Urgh i'm so done right now

Urgh I am so sick and tired these past two weeks have been rough I won't lie.. After talking to my boss I feel a little better, I thought she would be so pissed that I failed and end audit, which means my displays and crap like that weren't signed.. The store manager has been less than understanding about the fact that I'm at my wits end i'm ready to take a 24 hr nap and just catch up on massive amounts of lost sleep.

Yeh dude told me i'm pretty much his skapegoat if he doesn't get transferred like he has been planning to. I interpreted that as he will make my life a living hell, I know it could be worse but I already feel like i'm working at a prison/concentration camp. I spite him by asking God if he is Hitlers' reincarnation, i know that isnt nice but this man i swear has some devil in him, horrible man. I'm under the assumption that he has multiple personalities cos there are days where he can be the nicest person and then every other day he's an asshole.

The funny thing at least to me is that he doesn't yell at me like he does everyone else, like he tries to use this stern i'm in charge voice and yes i hate confrontation so i do back down a bit, but he has also seen my angry side and yes i am psychotic i have no problem letting people know when i'm pissed; most of the time they just have to look at my face and people get out of my way like i'm an oncoming freight train. :) i have really bad anger issues and its not something people should test to see how far they can push me, its not pretty.. when i get the black vision over my eyes and the rage takes over i'm not me anymore, it is intimidating i wont lie.

i was so upset that i had myself in tears, i hate crying but i refuse to cry in front of that man, he is a chovenist pig and uses tears as a weapon. My tears come from anger and possibly fear if he tries to fire me, even though i tried my hardest the past 2 weeks and have only 2 days left and am 100% happy theyre 4 hrs or under days :) I txtd my boss and told her what happened so on Monday if he just happens to call her into his office she won't be bitch slapped by the fact he thinks i suck at my job lol.. well now i'm more relaxed and hope i can sleep some yesterday i was in a state of insomnia its horrid lol..

this is the reason for my turnaround

I wrote this last week and never posted it, but it was because of this blog that was my eye opener time to wake up moment.. Everyone takes the happy moments in life for granted, for people like me I take whatever happy moment is there and put a death grip on it. I wish there was one day where something didn't always bum me out. I am seriously trying to be happy and i beg for people to understand me.

WTF- 7/11/11

The one time I really want to write a blog the damn site is deciding to be a douche so I im gonna write a document and post later lol.

Ok to say that last night it plaguing me is an understatement nothing went as planned don't know why im surprised nothing ever goes the way I plan. I wish I wasn't so OCD where I could just be spontaneous but I even have to plan the initiative to be risky. I am one fucked up individual, but I guess im just upset because I thought for a minute I could actually explain myself and my actions to Ronan of all people and yeh that was a flop. I went to tell him what was going on and instead I could feel him freaking out and so I had to abridge everything. Empath sucks sometimes, he was acting so distant towards me last night, and he hurt my feelings a little when I was going outside to have a smoke I told him I would be right back cos I had re found him and wanted to talk with him when I came back inside and he was like you don't Have to hang with me. And I did get assertive and said I don't HAVE to do anything I want to hang with you. But I felt rebuffed after that, I couldn't even concentrate at work, cos yeh now I feel like i'm this giant freak show; and the one person I thought would understand me is running full force the other way. I think I fucked this up so so so bad, why am I always the underdog? Why can't I for once just not be unlucky in my life? This is why I need to get away I feel so isolated already, I wish I could just shrivel up and disappear.

I see now the hermit thing isnt gonna work but its not that anyone will listen to why I need some time for me, I only told a couple people about needing time off and it got blown out of proportion, i'm not leaving the scene for good I just need some down time. People think I'm crazy for going to shows on nights that I have to work, and lately with my depression flaring out of control, i'm starting to think that maybe I am putting too much on my plate. I really love music and I wish I had the time and means to go to everybody's shows but I can't and I know people think im blowing them off but im starting to go down hill. This was my place to go to vent and now I can't even hide here, I never thought my excessive bitching would draw fans.

My goals are quite simple for the next couple of months save money for this procedure I want done by the end of next year altho it might take a year or 2 to save money for it, and then to pay off my massive debt, and then to pay for counseling cos yeh I can't hack it on my own like i've been telling myself I could. I need to be more proactive on exercising and its really hard because all I do is work and im exhausted and just want to black out for days. I planned to do that today cos I was practically passing out at work but 5 hrs of sleeping and I woke up with a migraine, but I didn't feel good last night at Glass. I should've notice that my body was gearing up for something. I have been quite tired lately which was my cue that the depression was back full swing. I haven't had 14 hr sleeping days since I was in high school, I remember when I was 13 and I would sleep from the time I got home from school through dinner and all the way till the next morning. I would be up at 430am cramming all my homework in before having to catch the bus.

This is that same feeling where im trying to cram in stuff in around before going to work and coming home and crashing until I have to get up to go to work again. I haven't been eating right because i've been out cold. And yes i'm an idiot I keep forgetting to take my meds so I tried an experiment for at least 2 weeks maybe more of not taking my pills and I just want it documented im screwed im gonna have to take this crap til I die, its not fair. Why did I get this extreme depression? I'm not bi-polar but i'm not uni-polar so what the hell does that classify me as... the fucking freak of nature. Once again I defy everything that I could be categorized as, I fit no molds and yet im still just another head case or something.

I've come to a conclusion that maybe I shouldn't let anyone near me, if I let someone love me, even Ronan; I could screw them up for good, i'm all over the place and I can't control my thoughts or emotions, how can I ask them to deal with me? I wish the simple answer was to lock me in a mental ward for awhile yet im poor I could never afford to take the time off work because I got massive debts to pay, and people would think I was just blowing them off, and disown my friendship. Every solution is a disaster because it would piss everyone else off, and of course because of the empath crap I care about what happens to those around me.. hence why suicide is always in my brain but never executed, well that and I hate physical pain, if I could endure the amount of physical pain that was equal to the mental/emotional pain i've endured; I would be in trouble. But no don't worry kiddies I promise to be a good girl and pretend i'm superfantabulous because that's whats expected. So I shall be the greatest actress on the planet and pretend that everyone doesn't hurt me and that I can't sense the emotions flowing out of every single one of you. (smile. Must keep head up. Pose. smile)

'Its a boy, girl thing'

I am scared right now, I'm deciding to be super brave for once in my life. Why cos I gotta see about a boy. I'm begging you God to please give me the strength to do what I need to do :) I realise that I've been so scared to tell people or one person the truth that I've been hiding behind myself. I have talked to a couple people about my current dilemma and realise that people are rooting for me so much right now. I need to focusing because you can miss so much from being scared. If you never give that cute girl your number or smile at that boy you could miss a whole lifetime of happiness. At this point in time I blame Mark and possibly Sami they've been trying to give me confidence this past month. And I think finally this girl has got a bit to go on, now i just have to have a little faith that God knows what he is doing too.

I know i seem less christian and perhaps a bit agnostic, i believe i'm just confused a little lost, there is love and hope and even peace surrounding us all and we need to accept that.. No matter how normal or weird we may seem that if we accept that as ourselves then anything is possible. There is no way to truly fit in everywhere, some people fit in as jocks others fit in as goths or maybe the quiet skater or the cheerleader. Can you think if your roles were reversed but you knew what you were like before, would you seriously say that it wouldn't have an impact??

I am the quiet punk/skater/goth/thugger girl who just happens to be weird. Sometimes i feel like i don't fit anywhere but ya know what these past couple of months I've finally met people who don't care about my style but accept me for the freaky weird girl i am. I am Not my voice, I am not what i wear. I am Emily the girl who has ambition, I am the girl who loves music because its epic, I am the girl who loves to dream because dreams give you inspiration and motivation. I am Emily damn it and I will not be forsaken anymore, I love this boy and I am no longer afraid of the freak that I am. I finally after 30 years of life can say I 100% accept the girl GOD made me to be.. I accept all the bad and all the good that has paved my life and I will overcome everything that has ever shot me down and I will pray to God every day for the life that he has given me, because if i would've succeeded when i was 15 yrs old I would've never met the most amazing people that I know today. I love you all and I, I think i love myself.