Acting as human as possible

So here we are again had a cute and fun day at work. And of course Ed had a lot to do with that.  I just don't know what to do with that boy like I really really need to tell my heart and brain to shut the fuck up when he's around, cos yup still embarrass myself.

I actually had a daydream when I was getting off work cos as you know my brain likes to make up elaborate scenarios that will never see the light of day.  Like I was talking to Gman about Ed cos as an awkward lonely individual you'd think he'd understand a guy perspective.  He was just annoyed and said yeah the dude is weird dunno what he's getting at.  So no help there.  But I thought what if he was  waiting until Valentine's Day to come out and tell me that he liked me; but like asked AD what my fave restaurant was and went through a lot of trouble to get flowers and balloons that I would like, but do a secret admirer thing.

Like he got these red, black and white heart balloons and the the bouquet of flowers were amazing they were red and black and then had some white carnations that looked like a chessboard.  And there'd be a note with "Ev" lyrics and then a poem about my voice and how he'd meet me at my fave rest. and reveal his face.  I do this a lot of wishing just once to get some nice flowers from a guy but yeah we ALL know that's never going to happen.

No guy in his 100% right mind would ever be attracted to this, so I need to stop I need to stop trying to fool my heart that deep down he likes me a little bit. But honestly in my situation I really need to stop but  its like my heart and mind do things on their own and deffo don't tell me not to act like a dummy.

Then even though work went great tonight at TS it did not.  I made the mistake of last week telling LPKN that I told my work that I worked there so they'd give me the time off to be there to help out.  And after what like 4-5 years possibly longer; even though i've stepped up and helped run the door at the fucking Pit Stop crack bar and then the past cpl national shows at the Roxy, I was told I was not allowed to sit behind the box and run it.  Like I got disrespected at the last national show by PC and then now this normal one by LPKN, like I understand what he's saying cos I'll never be real SN. But once again I let my guard down like before and thought these fake ass motherfuckers were my friends, my family.  (Yes they don't charge me for shows, haven't for a very long time) but to be told I disrespected him by touching the cashbox that now I"m not trusted with anymore? 

Like Jayce was right all these people that we've supported and all these people that we've known for a long ass time are fake and they want nothing to do with us, we Do Not fit in with them and they continue to make that abundantly clear.  I almost cried in public tonight it festered the entire time I was at the show. And you know what I still helped at the door like a stupid retard.  I think it's time to admit what I am to these people..... Nothing.

Like I know i'm ugly and fat as fuck trust me I know better than anyone I mean for fucks sake I can't even shop for a pair of pants for work w/o just being completely disgusted by my body and my face and my clothes and my hair and everything.  Like I hate myself and of course its true no one can love you when you hate yourself.  I don't have any real freinds that I can talk to about boys, its too elementary no one cares. I can't even ask someone close to me what I should do cos they just roll their eyes and don't want to be bothered.

Why the fuck couldn't I be born pretty and why did I have to ahve that reaction to that damn pill; and why did I eat my athletic skinny girl.  I'm so embarassed by this hideousness.  But alas its 12am and I have to open so my self loathing ends here this time cos of work.