Ahhh here we are.. It's been forever since I came here, but lets be honest you knew nothing was going to change lol. I'm just as hateful as I always have been. I hate this fucking world, I Need to get off. I have absolutely nothing to live for, still begging every day for my ending that never comes. THIS IS MY HELL.
Oh where do I begin laying it all out, I'll start with my voice.. It's trash I've become so lazy,tired and exhausted that I didn't even rise to the occasion of training my breathing and my voice to be on the show of the same namesake.. It's the only positive thing I could think to do since I can't seem to get a position in the local scene. And do you know what really stopped me from really trying? My 'image' because lets face it even the fat people in the music business are pretty in the face; that's why people don't fully mind that they're fat. Me, I'm fat and ugly.. there is no way that these popular shows would pick the ugly fat girl as the winner. Eventually I'd be kicked to the curb.
That is honestly why i procrastinated, and also because I was afraid to fly to a different state just to audition. I kept holding out praying they'd open an audition spot in Denver like they did about 3 yrs ago. But of course to no avail. I'm terribly embarassed to fly and too afraid to go alone. But I'd have no one to ask; Mark wouldn't go with me and Jenna can't she's too busy living her poor married life.
I have no real friends..... Maybe that's my biggest regret is I've hurt everyone who has ever been close to me.
Then also at the end of March I was given a kitten by a co-worker and for the first 2-3 months he was my baby, my everything. And then once his tummy issues got taken care of and his kitten appointments ended in June, he was ripped away from me. He is no longer mine.... I'm just the lady that comes and takes him away from his safety to the vet and who pays for his pet plan, food and litter.. If that's what my money is actually used for. ( I have doubts)
I only hear about him when he does something bad, which of course I'm only allowed to go over once a month if that so it's not like I can do anything to fix the situation. It's too painful to go over there every month, cos the last 3 months he wouldn't even come over and cuddle with me like he used to.
He ignores me completely unless he uses me for a springboard and I get more cuddles from my fur niece. So I've come to the realisation that he is no longer my baby just my fur nephew. My stoner of a brother stole my cat. I hugely regret wanting him so bad, that broseph and mommy dearest ever suggested that I take him there. I mean idk where he would've ended up but my heart is dying.
Then bringing up mommy dearest she pissed me the fuck off and I'm still not over it. I lied and said I understand the disagreement but I fully do NOT. I'm so sick of her bitching about broseph and her fuck buddy. They both treat her horribly, I only treat her bad now because she's holding a grudge against me cos I called out the truth and she couldn't handle it. I told her I was only ever allowed to come over and see my baby once a month, she said that wasn't right. But they both forgot 100% that they told me I could come over whenever I wanted to see my baby. So she told me that I would be allowed to come over whenever, even if fuck buddy was there. When I was going over every other day for kitten's meds I didn't have to ask for permission. That all changed where they made me feel unwelcome to where I had to announce my wishes to visit and was told numerous times that, broseph didn't 'feel like' having company. So then exactly 4 days after she told me that things would be changing so I could see my baby more.... she fucking told me I couldn't come over cos her fuck buddy was there. Like she totally forgot that I dealt with fuck buddy for a yr when I lived there; sneaking into the house undetected... he's fucking ancient it's not like he's up and moving around much.. But they walk around in the nude so that's appalling and embarrasing for her.
So now I'm not really on speaking terms with her, one of the last times I was over like maybe a month ago I ordered dinner which I Always do and never get paid back for. I decided I'd be the one to take up her food, but unfortunately I can't sounds like a herd of elephants going up the stairs and she fucking booby trapped her door. My fat ass got stuck and I scared her. Ever since then she doesn't treat me the same at all. I feel completely shut out from both of them.
I mean hell I do end up spending the night but it's not good for either me or Mark cos he bitches about not having ppl to hang with but he's so focused on getting high and watching boring movies or playing games I don't care for. So I fall asleep, cos i'm always laying on the bed and i'm super narcoleptic. so he gets a smelly fat girl and I take naps. Ooners lays with me more than 'my cat' does and it's heart breaking. Like i love her immensely but she isn't mine and she does make that apparent. All 3 kitties do.
So now next thing so Counselor is done, if jayce moves back he wants to go in a different direction and it'll be interesting if he ever does make a real decision instead of bitching about the decisions he's already made. I'm not sure he could find a sliver of happy anywhere. I don't talk to people because even he interrupts me to spout off about all his dumb repetitive shit. yes I'm a bad friend I'm so sick of listening to him; I had to deal with all the before moving whining and now i have to hear about his existential crisis all the time. Like my life sux I seriously just want to be locked in a cell with netflix and my games and be left alone.
Even my gaming isn't doing anything for me, my real goals are to sleep my life away, I've lost all my friends in the alliance. Cat and Nugg are gone essentially, Ali has been too wrapped up in the RW because of all his injuries and partying. Darth is a horribly absent leader but that's been going on for years now. But now it's more noticible becaise with him and alex never reliable we had to promote 2 new ppl but yeah they're still like sitting back and not really taking any control of things. I'm definitely not a leader; I'd boot everyone that displeases me which is like half the alliance at this point.
Work is awful, they transferred our store manager, I'm pretty sure he asked to be transferred cos he was miserable too. But in doing so corporate took all of the ppl who helped the front end and really screwed Jared over. I mean all the other managers are shit, even Jeff has started losing his niceness and he's rude and grouchy all the time. Annette is the new Gina with her 50,000 smoke breaks and lazy attitude. George is still his shitty alcoholic self and trying to be in denial while thinking he's the best manager ever; the arrogance is fleeting. Gina is still the lazy bitch who just sits in the backroom not really doing anything with her 50,000 smoke breaks. Jack and Rafael are always so high and flirting with anything with tits and a cunt to actually be useful. And I'm the fat lazy boss who doesn't do anything ebcause i'm not paid enough to essentially give a shit. The company's best interest would be to close the store. We're so horridly understaffed that it's just so stressful on the people who actually show up every day.
It's been nice having all these days off this week but honestly I'm worried i'm gonna get fucked over and not paid correctly which will fuck up a lot in my life. But on the plus side I don't wanna be there so why not use some sick time, altho being here extra days has gotten me into a sour head space. I'm in prime striking distance to Ty to judge me and treat me like shit, so there's that.
I'm seriously trying to make it for another week or so, then my insurance switches over to kaiser and then I can start going to counseling, and will have to see about a new med and such and then maybe I won't be so dark. I'm super sad to lose Darcy she's been my best dr for the last 10 years at least. But this is a new start and i'm praying that I either find a way to not be so despondant or find a way to become a puppet so that I can't feel anything and just keep my existence to an extent. I'm deep down hoping that I can work on my anger issues and not hate everyone.. maybe then people will like me and I'll have energy to become skinny again and be able to walk and breathe better. ( This is the only positive thing I have to look fwd to and it pisses me off)
Friday, December 27, 2019
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
Oh FFS!!!!
Wow I'm in fucking shock.. mainly because I keep telling myself that I would've eventually asked him out. But my mind and heart knows I never could have. It's like a waging war with your heart and your mind with your heart being a dreamer and falling hard for someone and your mind being practical and tearing you off your pedestal. I found out today Ed got a promotion and while I'm super happy for him, my heart just finally broke. I figured he'd be the last guy I'd ever truly crush on. Why? Because he was as socially awkward as I was, very shy and private which is a miracle working in our job. And maybe that was what intrigued me in the first place, he was a mystery. This cute shy guy that no one really knew much about, didn't really talk much to ppl outside of his department. Never got to fully see his tat or ask if he had others.
Why? Because I'm so juvenile in the way I dealt with him, and I'm 10yrs older than him. And I'm so fucking stupid I should've broken down and told him how I felt a yr ago but I wanted him to tell me that he liked me, and I knew it wasn't true. No guy in his right mind would like the monster that I am. He played with my heart and I dived in, but he also flirted hard with jailbait from produce. which i just found out last week, and why shouldn't he she's beautiful; a hoe but beautiful. Girls like her disgust me honestly, she's doe-eyed and young and skinny.. and she has a boyfriend overseas in the military. And she's not really faithful to him but she's 18 and apparently that's ok to do these days.
There were a handful of people at work who knew my feelings for Ed, but I don't think anyone realised how obsessed I got. I back read his facebook wall, I know he's been hurt badly before; I figured that's why he doesn't date. Or dude could be married or have a gf who knows, honestly I just need to learn to lick my wounds and move on. Cos lets face it, no one is ever going to find me beautiful and attractive enough to deal with my asexuality. And I can't pretend that, that person exists because I'm about 100% sure he DOES NOT.
I put on my fake smile and take people's false praise of me with a grain of salt, but honestly its another war. I don't believe it when people praise me, I can't accept it, it feels wrong. Like if they knew my brand of psycho, no one would praise me. They would glare at me for the monster that I am. Humans are a disgrace and while I don't believe in GOD I know somehow we are here. And I think the beings that created and put us on this planet should be ashamed. We as a species have destroyed everything and I really wish Thanos was real. I'd ask him to turn me to dust; because I don't want to live here anymore. Amongst the righteous who believe they are better than the person sitting next to them, the monsters that rape and kill others, the religious book thumpers who feel holier than thou. All those people should be eradicated and sadly that will never happen. Eventually the world will just plunge into darkness as the electricity stops, as businesses stop, as homes become vacant. And the governments crash. It would be utter chaos and yet it would be quiet. No more twitter for the president fagface.. no more social media for the vain and disconnected. No more internet to write this depressing ass blog. It would go back into my head where it was before the internet hit it big. Where I would hide away for hours reading books as the only way to escape reality.
It's gotten so depressing that even reading books just debilitates me, why? because even the ugliest hero/heroine is found gorgeous and sexy by someone, and me I'm fat, ugly, ordinary and I'll never go on these wild adventures; not into fae not into the vampire lairs or the werewolf dens. No i'll never be a witch or a shadowhunter or an x-man or a kung fu master. No.... I will forever be this hideous fat, ugly lazy girl; until I kill myself or the fates take mercy and end my pain. But I feel like I'm aware of all these things with my empath abilities because this is my hell. I must've done something so horrendous in my past lives to be shoved into this life. But why can't i flip a switch and be ruthless, why can't I be strong willed and determined to change my situation??? why not you ask??? because I'm a bitch stuck on the little bit of anti-depressants I do take, just to get up every day. And the lies I tell to my family knowing well and good I forget to take my meds until I have emotions like today. Where I wish that once I go to bed today that I never wake up. But I'll take my stupid ass happy pill and set my alarm and wake up to the mundane, rinse and repeat of my dead end life.
Why? Because I'm so juvenile in the way I dealt with him, and I'm 10yrs older than him. And I'm so fucking stupid I should've broken down and told him how I felt a yr ago but I wanted him to tell me that he liked me, and I knew it wasn't true. No guy in his right mind would like the monster that I am. He played with my heart and I dived in, but he also flirted hard with jailbait from produce. which i just found out last week, and why shouldn't he she's beautiful; a hoe but beautiful. Girls like her disgust me honestly, she's doe-eyed and young and skinny.. and she has a boyfriend overseas in the military. And she's not really faithful to him but she's 18 and apparently that's ok to do these days.
There were a handful of people at work who knew my feelings for Ed, but I don't think anyone realised how obsessed I got. I back read his facebook wall, I know he's been hurt badly before; I figured that's why he doesn't date. Or dude could be married or have a gf who knows, honestly I just need to learn to lick my wounds and move on. Cos lets face it, no one is ever going to find me beautiful and attractive enough to deal with my asexuality. And I can't pretend that, that person exists because I'm about 100% sure he DOES NOT.
I put on my fake smile and take people's false praise of me with a grain of salt, but honestly its another war. I don't believe it when people praise me, I can't accept it, it feels wrong. Like if they knew my brand of psycho, no one would praise me. They would glare at me for the monster that I am. Humans are a disgrace and while I don't believe in GOD I know somehow we are here. And I think the beings that created and put us on this planet should be ashamed. We as a species have destroyed everything and I really wish Thanos was real. I'd ask him to turn me to dust; because I don't want to live here anymore. Amongst the righteous who believe they are better than the person sitting next to them, the monsters that rape and kill others, the religious book thumpers who feel holier than thou. All those people should be eradicated and sadly that will never happen. Eventually the world will just plunge into darkness as the electricity stops, as businesses stop, as homes become vacant. And the governments crash. It would be utter chaos and yet it would be quiet. No more twitter for the president fagface.. no more social media for the vain and disconnected. No more internet to write this depressing ass blog. It would go back into my head where it was before the internet hit it big. Where I would hide away for hours reading books as the only way to escape reality.
It's gotten so depressing that even reading books just debilitates me, why? because even the ugliest hero/heroine is found gorgeous and sexy by someone, and me I'm fat, ugly, ordinary and I'll never go on these wild adventures; not into fae not into the vampire lairs or the werewolf dens. No i'll never be a witch or a shadowhunter or an x-man or a kung fu master. No.... I will forever be this hideous fat, ugly lazy girl; until I kill myself or the fates take mercy and end my pain. But I feel like I'm aware of all these things with my empath abilities because this is my hell. I must've done something so horrendous in my past lives to be shoved into this life. But why can't i flip a switch and be ruthless, why can't I be strong willed and determined to change my situation??? why not you ask??? because I'm a bitch stuck on the little bit of anti-depressants I do take, just to get up every day. And the lies I tell to my family knowing well and good I forget to take my meds until I have emotions like today. Where I wish that once I go to bed today that I never wake up. But I'll take my stupid ass happy pill and set my alarm and wake up to the mundane, rinse and repeat of my dead end life.
Saturday, February 9, 2019
I Never Learn From My Mistakes
Urgh I can't win.. I'm sick of my heart trying to piece itself back together; where I feel like I'm worthy of something. Only to realise that I'm still not worth the attention of the opposite sex. Then dealing with J's constant stream of negativity on top of my own just makes me sick. Which is ironic cos that's the filth I spew onto my friends when I talk about guys that will never love me.
So here we are a few months after my last mistake hahaha, sunday confessional a day early. I keep forgetting I'm a fat, ugly old lady. I hang out with all these 20 somethings at work and because of my immaturaty I feel like i belong. Then shit like this happens and I'm reminded that all these 20 somethings are smart, attractive and worth looking at. And here I am this dead in the middle 30 something where there is half of me that's already a naggy old lady and the other half of me still thinking I need (can get) a boyfriend.
Idk if its because its the week of Valentine's Day and my heart and mind sabotage me tell me that Ed likes me, that maybe he'll be my secret admirer for V-Day. When in reality I'll go to work like every other day, except I have to be in the fucking floral department all week. So I actually get to assist these guys and S.O's who have someone; who feels the need to buy them over priced dead things and profess extra special love because its a requirement. Deep down I want this, cos I've never had this, but cynically I want to watch everyone burn.
I know its just a small thing that Ed didn't want something I baked, but honestly then why smile at me all week and give me 'hey girl' nods. Like stop fucking playing with my dumbass heart, it's already blackened and charred to a slivered remain. But then I remember that I'm the one with the overactive imagination that inserts things that were never there. I don't hate him at all, but I do hate myself. I can't win ever.
Then i look at my twin sister, who has always gotten the boys even tho she was always a bit more chubbyish, i really feel its because she gives off the stench of having sex like normal ppl, where my pheramones are obviously whithered or dying or not even there. She has always gotten relationships mostly bad but atleast experiencing some type of elation.
I sit there and contemplate on the 3 incidences I've had. A, S, and H. It's like a film strip that constantly plays like a broken record to remind me, that I am undesireable.
It reminds me why I chose/didn't choose to be asexual, its because that in my 37 years nobody has ever wanted me unless they were drunk and horny. And just degrading for me cos i'm not desperate, even tho I want someone to want me, I will never beg anyone. I'm so juvenille I don't know how to ask boys out I don't know how to date and I just can't bring myself to be comfortable enough to sleep with someone.
Then having Gnoc confirm Ed's age really put things into perspective, I'm just too old. I'm finally at that crossroads where I just realise that no amount of dreaming with end with someone finding me attractive. Why can't I just die??? I'm alone anyways. All I have is Jayce and he's just awful to be around, he's more negative than I am. And always just sucks any positivity I have right out of me like a vampire. I wish he would decide to leave and move to wherever and then I wouldn't have to pretend that the music is working. It's supposed to be my relief and my therapy and I'm stuck there being his therapist. And the sad part is everything he says is valid it's real shit that makes so much sense. Where my shit is that a boy doesn't like me, and I'm still at the same shitty job for 19yrs and now talked into being a manager that I never wanted to be.
I pray that when I go to sleep tonight I don't wake up..... but I know I will.
So here we are a few months after my last mistake hahaha, sunday confessional a day early. I keep forgetting I'm a fat, ugly old lady. I hang out with all these 20 somethings at work and because of my immaturaty I feel like i belong. Then shit like this happens and I'm reminded that all these 20 somethings are smart, attractive and worth looking at. And here I am this dead in the middle 30 something where there is half of me that's already a naggy old lady and the other half of me still thinking I need (can get) a boyfriend.
Idk if its because its the week of Valentine's Day and my heart and mind sabotage me tell me that Ed likes me, that maybe he'll be my secret admirer for V-Day. When in reality I'll go to work like every other day, except I have to be in the fucking floral department all week. So I actually get to assist these guys and S.O's who have someone; who feels the need to buy them over priced dead things and profess extra special love because its a requirement. Deep down I want this, cos I've never had this, but cynically I want to watch everyone burn.
I know its just a small thing that Ed didn't want something I baked, but honestly then why smile at me all week and give me 'hey girl' nods. Like stop fucking playing with my dumbass heart, it's already blackened and charred to a slivered remain. But then I remember that I'm the one with the overactive imagination that inserts things that were never there. I don't hate him at all, but I do hate myself. I can't win ever.
Then i look at my twin sister, who has always gotten the boys even tho she was always a bit more chubbyish, i really feel its because she gives off the stench of having sex like normal ppl, where my pheramones are obviously whithered or dying or not even there. She has always gotten relationships mostly bad but atleast experiencing some type of elation.
I sit there and contemplate on the 3 incidences I've had. A, S, and H. It's like a film strip that constantly plays like a broken record to remind me, that I am undesireable.
It reminds me why I chose/didn't choose to be asexual, its because that in my 37 years nobody has ever wanted me unless they were drunk and horny. And just degrading for me cos i'm not desperate, even tho I want someone to want me, I will never beg anyone. I'm so juvenille I don't know how to ask boys out I don't know how to date and I just can't bring myself to be comfortable enough to sleep with someone.
Then having Gnoc confirm Ed's age really put things into perspective, I'm just too old. I'm finally at that crossroads where I just realise that no amount of dreaming with end with someone finding me attractive. Why can't I just die??? I'm alone anyways. All I have is Jayce and he's just awful to be around, he's more negative than I am. And always just sucks any positivity I have right out of me like a vampire. I wish he would decide to leave and move to wherever and then I wouldn't have to pretend that the music is working. It's supposed to be my relief and my therapy and I'm stuck there being his therapist. And the sad part is everything he says is valid it's real shit that makes so much sense. Where my shit is that a boy doesn't like me, and I'm still at the same shitty job for 19yrs and now talked into being a manager that I never wanted to be.
I pray that when I go to sleep tonight I don't wake up..... but I know I will.
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