Urgh I can't win.. I'm sick of my heart trying to piece itself back together; where I feel like I'm worthy of something. Only to realise that I'm still not worth the attention of the opposite sex. Then dealing with J's constant stream of negativity on top of my own just makes me sick. Which is ironic cos that's the filth I spew onto my friends when I talk about guys that will never love me.
So here we are a few months after my last mistake hahaha, sunday confessional a day early. I keep forgetting I'm a fat, ugly old lady. I hang out with all these 20 somethings at work and because of my immaturaty I feel like i belong. Then shit like this happens and I'm reminded that all these 20 somethings are smart, attractive and worth looking at. And here I am this dead in the middle 30 something where there is half of me that's already a naggy old lady and the other half of me still thinking I need (can get) a boyfriend.
Idk if its because its the week of Valentine's Day and my heart and mind sabotage me tell me that Ed likes me, that maybe he'll be my secret admirer for V-Day. When in reality I'll go to work like every other day, except I have to be in the fucking floral department all week. So I actually get to assist these guys and S.O's who have someone; who feels the need to buy them over priced dead things and profess extra special love because its a requirement. Deep down I want this, cos I've never had this, but cynically I want to watch everyone burn.
I know its just a small thing that Ed didn't want something I baked, but honestly then why smile at me all week and give me 'hey girl' nods. Like stop fucking playing with my dumbass heart, it's already blackened and charred to a slivered remain. But then I remember that I'm the one with the overactive imagination that inserts things that were never there. I don't hate him at all, but I do hate myself. I can't win ever.
Then i look at my twin sister, who has always gotten the boys even tho she was always a bit more chubbyish, i really feel its because she gives off the stench of having sex like normal ppl, where my pheramones are obviously whithered or dying or not even there. She has always gotten relationships mostly bad but atleast experiencing some type of elation.
I sit there and contemplate on the 3 incidences I've had. A, S, and H. It's like a film strip that constantly plays like a broken record to remind me, that I am undesireable.
It reminds me why I chose/didn't choose to be asexual, its because that in my 37 years nobody has ever wanted me unless they were drunk and horny. And just degrading for me cos i'm not desperate, even tho I want someone to want me, I will never beg anyone. I'm so juvenille I don't know how to ask boys out I don't know how to date and I just can't bring myself to be comfortable enough to sleep with someone.
Then having Gnoc confirm Ed's age really put things into perspective, I'm just too old. I'm finally at that crossroads where I just realise that no amount of dreaming with end with someone finding me attractive. Why can't I just die??? I'm alone anyways. All I have is Jayce and he's just awful to be around, he's more negative than I am. And always just sucks any positivity I have right out of me like a vampire. I wish he would decide to leave and move to wherever and then I wouldn't have to pretend that the music is working. It's supposed to be my relief and my therapy and I'm stuck there being his therapist. And the sad part is everything he says is valid it's real shit that makes so much sense. Where my shit is that a boy doesn't like me, and I'm still at the same shitty job for 19yrs and now talked into being a manager that I never wanted to be.
I pray that when I go to sleep tonight I don't wake up..... but I know I will.
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