Oh FFS!!!!

  Wow I'm in fucking shock.. mainly because I keep telling myself that I would've eventually asked him out. But my mind and heart knows I never could have. It's like a waging war with your heart and your mind with your heart being a dreamer and falling hard for someone and your mind being practical and tearing you off your pedestal. I found out today Ed got a promotion and while I'm super happy for him, my heart just finally broke.  I figured he'd be the last guy I'd ever truly crush on. Why? Because he was as socially awkward as I was, very shy and private which is a miracle working in our job.  And maybe that was what intrigued me in the first place, he was a mystery. This cute shy guy that no one really knew much about, didn't really talk much to ppl outside of his department. Never got to fully see his tat or ask if he had others. 
   Why? Because I'm so juvenile in the way I dealt with him, and I'm 10yrs older than him.  And I'm so fucking stupid I should've broken down and told him how I felt a yr ago but I wanted him to tell me that he liked me, and I knew it wasn't true.  No guy in his right mind would like the monster that I am.  He played with my heart and I dived in, but he also flirted hard with jailbait from produce. which i just found out last week, and why shouldn't he she's beautiful; a hoe but beautiful.  Girls like her disgust me honestly, she's doe-eyed and young and skinny.. and she has a boyfriend overseas in the military. And she's not really faithful to him but she's 18 and apparently that's ok to do these days.
   There were a handful of people at work who knew my feelings for Ed, but I don't think anyone realised how obsessed I got. I back read his facebook wall, I know he's been hurt badly before; I figured that's why he doesn't date. Or dude could be married or have a gf who knows, honestly I just need to learn to lick my wounds and move on.  Cos lets face it, no one is ever going to find me beautiful and attractive enough to deal with my asexuality.  And I can't pretend that, that person exists because I'm about 100% sure he DOES NOT.
    I put on my fake smile and take people's false praise of me with a grain of salt, but honestly its another war.  I don't believe it when people praise me, I can't accept it, it feels wrong. Like if they knew my brand of psycho, no one would praise me. They would glare at me for the monster that I am.  Humans are a disgrace and while I don't believe in GOD I know somehow we are here.  And I think the beings that created and put us on this planet should be ashamed.  We as a species have destroyed everything and I really wish Thanos was real.  I'd ask him to turn me to dust; because I don't want to live here anymore.  Amongst the righteous who believe they are better than the person sitting next to them, the monsters that rape and kill others, the religious  book thumpers who feel holier than thou.  All those people should be eradicated and sadly that will never happen.  Eventually the world will just plunge into darkness as the electricity stops, as businesses stop, as homes become vacant. And the governments crash.  It would be utter chaos and yet it would be quiet.  No more twitter for the president fagface.. no more social media for the vain and disconnected.  No more internet to write this depressing ass blog. It would go back into my head where it was before the internet hit it big. Where I would hide away for hours reading books as the only way to escape reality.
    It's gotten so depressing that even reading books just debilitates me, why? because even the ugliest hero/heroine is found gorgeous and sexy by someone, and me I'm fat, ugly, ordinary and I'll never go on these wild adventures; not into fae not into the vampire lairs or the werewolf dens.  No i'll never be a witch or a shadowhunter or an x-man or a kung fu master.   No.... I will forever be this hideous fat, ugly lazy girl; until I kill myself or the fates take mercy and end my pain. But I feel like I'm aware of all these things with my empath abilities because this is my hell. I must've done something so horrendous in my past lives to be shoved into this life.  But why can't i flip a switch and be ruthless, why can't I be strong willed and determined to change my situation??? why not you ask??? because I'm a bitch stuck on the little bit of anti-depressants I do take, just to get up every day.  And the lies I tell to my family knowing well and good I forget to take my meds until I have emotions like today. Where I wish that once I go to bed today that I never wake up. But I'll take my stupid ass happy pill and set my alarm and wake up to the mundane, rinse and repeat of my dead end life.