So here we are again had a cute and fun day at work. And of course Ed had a lot to do with that. I just don't know what to do with that boy like I really really need to tell my heart and brain to shut the fuck up when he's around, cos yup still embarrass myself.
I actually had a daydream when I was getting off work cos as you know my brain likes to make up elaborate scenarios that will never see the light of day. Like I was talking to Gman about Ed cos as an awkward lonely individual you'd think he'd understand a guy perspective. He was just annoyed and said yeah the dude is weird dunno what he's getting at. So no help there. But I thought what if he was waiting until Valentine's Day to come out and tell me that he liked me; but like asked AD what my fave restaurant was and went through a lot of trouble to get flowers and balloons that I would like, but do a secret admirer thing.
Like he got these red, black and white heart balloons and the the bouquet of flowers were amazing they were red and black and then had some white carnations that looked like a chessboard. And there'd be a note with "Ev" lyrics and then a poem about my voice and how he'd meet me at my fave rest. and reveal his face. I do this a lot of wishing just once to get some nice flowers from a guy but yeah we ALL know that's never going to happen.
No guy in his 100% right mind would ever be attracted to this, so I need to stop I need to stop trying to fool my heart that deep down he likes me a little bit. But honestly in my situation I really need to stop but its like my heart and mind do things on their own and deffo don't tell me not to act like a dummy.
Then even though work went great tonight at TS it did not. I made the mistake of last week telling LPKN that I told my work that I worked there so they'd give me the time off to be there to help out. And after what like 4-5 years possibly longer; even though i've stepped up and helped run the door at the fucking Pit Stop crack bar and then the past cpl national shows at the Roxy, I was told I was not allowed to sit behind the box and run it. Like I got disrespected at the last national show by PC and then now this normal one by LPKN, like I understand what he's saying cos I'll never be real SN. But once again I let my guard down like before and thought these fake ass motherfuckers were my friends, my family. (Yes they don't charge me for shows, haven't for a very long time) but to be told I disrespected him by touching the cashbox that now I"m not trusted with anymore?
Like Jayce was right all these people that we've supported and all these people that we've known for a long ass time are fake and they want nothing to do with us, we Do Not fit in with them and they continue to make that abundantly clear. I almost cried in public tonight it festered the entire time I was at the show. And you know what I still helped at the door like a stupid retard. I think it's time to admit what I am to these people..... Nothing.
Like I know i'm ugly and fat as fuck trust me I know better than anyone I mean for fucks sake I can't even shop for a pair of pants for work w/o just being completely disgusted by my body and my face and my clothes and my hair and everything. Like I hate myself and of course its true no one can love you when you hate yourself. I don't have any real freinds that I can talk to about boys, its too elementary no one cares. I can't even ask someone close to me what I should do cos they just roll their eyes and don't want to be bothered.
Why the fuck couldn't I be born pretty and why did I have to ahve that reaction to that damn pill; and why did I eat my athletic skinny girl. I'm so embarassed by this hideousness. But alas its 12am and I have to open so my self loathing ends here this time cos of work.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Sunday, October 21, 2018
A year and some change
Wow, I haven't felt the need to come on and blog for quite a long time or felt it but was too lazy to do it. And of course so much has happened since my last post haha.
So it's been a wild ride for the most part but still the life of a depressed and cynical me. I can't remember things from last year except that I was fully able to let JF go, I only saw him a bit after that day with Wolfe but they changed the sugar tax in good ole boulder so they changed vendors for the sodas and stuff, and the guy that took over for JF is still there but there are pretty much all new vendors otherwise (yay me!! no seriously i'm happy about it)
I still think about him often but more like how would he react to seeing me, but not about me being attracted. Cos he is hot but no longer the object of my infatuation.
Once I started getting over him and realising he wasn't really a nice person, it opened my eyes to see this cute guy in the meat department. And yes I guess I was blind to him like i am most of the time when I'm obsessed with someone else.
This guy is a loner and very Ed Sheeran, like he's cute but not overly noticeable but it's not a flaw in my eyes. I didn't fully realise him until one day Micah and Abby were swooning on him when he came through SCO, and they were commenting on how good he smelt which yes his cologne or body spray smells good damn him.
But it actually made me look at him and instantly there were butterflies and of course I was over. Stealing glances and stuff but nothing too big.
Now many months later, I still can't remember my whole reason for leaving but I transferred to a different store for 7 months, but on my last day in boulder I was giving everyone my fake story about moving as my reason for transferring but in all honesty i think i was being childish instead of manning up to whatever was the real issue. Anyway I so desperately wanted to say goodbye to Ed so that he knew I liked him; cos as you know my brain plays out all sorts of scenarios that will never happen. So I panicked and I ran after him as he was leaving and gave him a hug. It was so embarrassing but at least tho very awkward he hugged me back.
Now fast fwd to now the last 7 months were hell at the other store it was definitely stupid af for me to leave boulder, but after some bullshit went down that I don't really want to explain (it would take too long) I ended up fighting to transfer back to boulder. I've been back for a month and feel like things have advanced but not really with Ed. So i'm slightly stalkerish and always check his schedule and have fbk stalked him a cpl times (he doesn't use it) which is a very good thing (whew) But on my first day back at the store I clocked in early to help face which i hate doing btw, but it was close to 8am when I was supposed to check; but i ran upstairs and went to the bathroom. When I came downstairs he was right there and gave me this surprised smile and said hello, he looked generally happy to see me; it made my heart flutter out of control and now I'm ridiculous lol.
The thing that updated was that he most of the time will say hello to me which is wonderful cos I don't think we talked much at all before. the other thing is I embarrass myself more in front of him which is SOOO not ok, i'm such a lost cause, and from stalking his page, i realise why he's so closed off and so I just can't bring myself to let down my guard and actually admit to him I like him. So of course my daydreamer mind wishes with all the scenarios that would bring us together, and have him be accepting of my asexuality but I know for a fact no guy would ever be ok with it. One scenario is that he too is asexual but I can only dream on that one.
But i did learn a valuable lesson really, I'm excited to be back in boulder it's like coming home, I still think some of the issues are ridiculous but more manageable since i've been introduced to worse stores. Like my tag boss went on vacation last week and it wasn't stressful at all really, like some of the days I was busy but I knew by the end of the week I'd be able to get everything done and it was refreshing.
I'm still in Counselor with Jayce and we're slowly not really progressing with our 3rd cd, and we started working with Dave on FTD but i don't really see that taking off as much. I feel bad that Jayce is such a big dreamer and has these neat ideas but they're always so flippant and just never pan out, and there is nothing bad about dreaming and wanting a different life God knows I wish I had a diff one. But at our age and shit there has to be some realistic undertone where you don't spend your whole time daydreaming the what ifs and ignoring that someone right in front of you still wants to be making music. I get so frustrated sometimes cos the first 2 albums came very easily for the most part and then he just quit trying there for a long while and I understand that life is screwing him over relentlessly, but I need this project I want to write.
I know deep down I don't always give it my all, as I still fantasize about having my dream project but I know it will never happen so I do the best I can to write my style with my lyrics but i realise all my stuff sounds slightly repetitive. still trying to work on that for sure.
So it's been a wild ride for the most part but still the life of a depressed and cynical me. I can't remember things from last year except that I was fully able to let JF go, I only saw him a bit after that day with Wolfe but they changed the sugar tax in good ole boulder so they changed vendors for the sodas and stuff, and the guy that took over for JF is still there but there are pretty much all new vendors otherwise (yay me!! no seriously i'm happy about it)
I still think about him often but more like how would he react to seeing me, but not about me being attracted. Cos he is hot but no longer the object of my infatuation.
Once I started getting over him and realising he wasn't really a nice person, it opened my eyes to see this cute guy in the meat department. And yes I guess I was blind to him like i am most of the time when I'm obsessed with someone else.
This guy is a loner and very Ed Sheeran, like he's cute but not overly noticeable but it's not a flaw in my eyes. I didn't fully realise him until one day Micah and Abby were swooning on him when he came through SCO, and they were commenting on how good he smelt which yes his cologne or body spray smells good damn him.
But it actually made me look at him and instantly there were butterflies and of course I was over. Stealing glances and stuff but nothing too big.
Now many months later, I still can't remember my whole reason for leaving but I transferred to a different store for 7 months, but on my last day in boulder I was giving everyone my fake story about moving as my reason for transferring but in all honesty i think i was being childish instead of manning up to whatever was the real issue. Anyway I so desperately wanted to say goodbye to Ed so that he knew I liked him; cos as you know my brain plays out all sorts of scenarios that will never happen. So I panicked and I ran after him as he was leaving and gave him a hug. It was so embarrassing but at least tho very awkward he hugged me back.
Now fast fwd to now the last 7 months were hell at the other store it was definitely stupid af for me to leave boulder, but after some bullshit went down that I don't really want to explain (it would take too long) I ended up fighting to transfer back to boulder. I've been back for a month and feel like things have advanced but not really with Ed. So i'm slightly stalkerish and always check his schedule and have fbk stalked him a cpl times (he doesn't use it) which is a very good thing (whew) But on my first day back at the store I clocked in early to help face which i hate doing btw, but it was close to 8am when I was supposed to check; but i ran upstairs and went to the bathroom. When I came downstairs he was right there and gave me this surprised smile and said hello, he looked generally happy to see me; it made my heart flutter out of control and now I'm ridiculous lol.
The thing that updated was that he most of the time will say hello to me which is wonderful cos I don't think we talked much at all before. the other thing is I embarrass myself more in front of him which is SOOO not ok, i'm such a lost cause, and from stalking his page, i realise why he's so closed off and so I just can't bring myself to let down my guard and actually admit to him I like him. So of course my daydreamer mind wishes with all the scenarios that would bring us together, and have him be accepting of my asexuality but I know for a fact no guy would ever be ok with it. One scenario is that he too is asexual but I can only dream on that one.
But i did learn a valuable lesson really, I'm excited to be back in boulder it's like coming home, I still think some of the issues are ridiculous but more manageable since i've been introduced to worse stores. Like my tag boss went on vacation last week and it wasn't stressful at all really, like some of the days I was busy but I knew by the end of the week I'd be able to get everything done and it was refreshing.
I'm still in Counselor with Jayce and we're slowly not really progressing with our 3rd cd, and we started working with Dave on FTD but i don't really see that taking off as much. I feel bad that Jayce is such a big dreamer and has these neat ideas but they're always so flippant and just never pan out, and there is nothing bad about dreaming and wanting a different life God knows I wish I had a diff one. But at our age and shit there has to be some realistic undertone where you don't spend your whole time daydreaming the what ifs and ignoring that someone right in front of you still wants to be making music. I get so frustrated sometimes cos the first 2 albums came very easily for the most part and then he just quit trying there for a long while and I understand that life is screwing him over relentlessly, but I need this project I want to write.
I know deep down I don't always give it my all, as I still fantasize about having my dream project but I know it will never happen so I do the best I can to write my style with my lyrics but i realise all my stuff sounds slightly repetitive. still trying to work on that for sure.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
