wow my life is messed up lol

Ok so this is my life, its been quite weird for the whole month of December. First off I hurt my friend 'I' because I had to tell him I don't like him the way he likes me and i feel like an ass for that... He hasn't called since I had to lay down my boundaries. Then just a couple weeks ago I went to a show with a good friend and my sister, had some weird goth guy hit on me. I've seen him at other shows and have been nice to him but I never gave the impression that I wanted to jump him. He was all over me trying to hold my hand and giving me hugs he even kissed me on the cheek, it was just too weird. Plus i think it was the full moon week i can't even remember would like it to just disappear.
Now fast foward to tonite I decided to check myspace because i've been posting bulletins for my sister's band cos they have a show coming up.. I got a message from some guy who wants me to be his friend with benefits, only problem is I don't know him we are not friends, and I don 't do that sort of thing.
I guess I'm just confused I've got all these guys telling me how hot I am, when I don't see myself that way at all. I'm not a fucking model or anything?? confused i know i am. I don't understand why guys say that to me, like its supposed to boost what little confidence i have. I guess i would understand if a guy i actually liked thought i was pretty enough, but yeh that's a dream waiting to happen =^( I think guys just see my assets and not me, i hate it. If i could i would just change and be a boy, then maybe i would look good. Whatever I need some sleep.

Twilight Mania

Hello i know its been awhile but here i am back for more fun lol...
Okay so in the past month(november) i have become overly obsessed with the newest vampire craze Twilight, i always love a good vampire story. And after reading the first book and then seeing the movie i was hooked, I am now on the 3rd book of 4 and am sad that's all there is lol.. I know other friends who are also reading these books but i can't seem to put the books down and that's how i'm already on the third one.
I was very happy with the casting of Edward his portrayer Rob Pattinson does the character so much justice that i can't help but imagine the Edward in the book to look like him. I think its really cool to have a distinct visual of the characters, it really makes the story so much more prominent.

Anyways i could babble more about the story but it wouldn't be fun for those who aren't reading them or are not up to where i am in the books. so if you're looking for a good read this saga is hypnotic and is greatly told by Stephenie Meyer.

Holy smoke batman

omg i'm freaking out right now, i just found out my friend's house burned down and they lost everything and her son is in the hospital with 2nd degree burns because he was brave and saved everyone living in the house.
I can't stop tearing up and i'm extremely worried for the family and how they're going to make it, because they're all quite poor and to not have a home for their kids is a bit scary.

Why do tragedies have to happen like that, i mean i know they're not planned but they strike without warning and i see all this stuff happening around the world that is just veering out of control.

I'm too upset to really embellish more so i'm gonna leave it at that, I may not be religious really but God Bless my friends and save her son.

I'm SO confused

Ok in the last month i've been overly confused. I know first off i should apologise to my friends i've been so busy dealing with my own shit that i've neglected a lot of you. I don't even know if any of my friends read these either, my luck is they wouldn't cos they're mad at me.
Anywayz i just need to vent, I feel like a couple of my friends are totally pissed at me we shall call them S and F cos i don't want to use names.. But i've tried to contact these people in the last month because i was so excited to get a week of from work so i could hang with all my friends. AND because that my car broke, i hung out with one friend cos she called me back.
I wish people would call me back so i know why they won't talk to me, but if they won't answer emails, texts, and phone calls i'm lost.
I know something's up because both the above mentioned always answer me back and i've tried for the mentioned month and nothing. I want to know what i did so i can fix it but i just don't know what to do :( I could use some help lol

wtf i hate feelings

Its weird today has been a productive day and it went well i think, but tonight as i sit here in front of this screen i have a bad feeling over me. I don't know eaxctly what i feel bad about i know shit's been going down at work and it will get worse starting tomorrow i will indeed be on my boss' shit list but that doesn't actually bother me.

I also have this guy on my mind he's out of my reach but i can't help but see his face all the time, in every dream it begins to anger me that i let a guy bring me to this nonsense. He's a dear friend and i haven't and probably never will tell him how i feel, it seems every time i do tell a guy how i feel that it always goes bad and i lose a friend. so this time saving my dignity and pride i choose to look at him through an inch of glass.

I sit here questioning certain friendships, i love all my friends dearly and don't actually question them, but i have a weird pit in my stomach that they're not always telling me everything.... I condescend myself a lot, i push myself to believe the worst in people and i know its unhealthy but trust is always an issue. I fight myself daily on how loyal my friends are and i question myself as to how loyal i am to them.

i question life always and ask why i am here and what my exact purpose is, i know i may never actually know that answer but i feel unworthy at times, like i am a mere pion who was mistakenly forgotten, but are we ever forgotten? i spit philosophy like it will give me a definite answer but i am left knowledgeless or am i indeed learning the grandest of lessons. I don't know you tell me lol.
I should leave it at that cos i could spin questions like a web and get lost in the translation of the answer(like we all don't do this right?)

miracles i swear

Holy crap this day has been so damn weird... I found out who my stalker at work was.. not really a stalker but some guy who i have met from somewhere who recognised me at the local 7-11 (weird I know).. and i just happened to see him when i went to my work for fucking ice cream of all things lol Then my friend at work asked me to answer the phone because it was ringing and it happened to be a co-workers estranged daughter. Then i get an email from that co-worker tonight all because i forgot to call her like i planned to all because my stalker stopped me before i made it out the door. But now my co- worker has worked out her problems with her daughters and i had a hand in that i mean its genius really because i'm such a scatterbrain it totally flew right over my head i mean come on is that not some kind of miracle at work?
Yeh i can't begin to explain today its like i was meant to go to my work to give my friend a bday card and ice cream and to answer that phone otherwise the call would've gone unanswered cos the store got slammed at that time so i think some higher powers had a hand in this one i obviously can't take the credit but it was like fate or something i can't wait to call my friend later.. i emailed her but its just not the same as telling her the chain of events.
Fuck sorry had to spill all that as in unfolded :)

okay okay i'm dramatic what the fuck lol

Ok so my friends don't really abandon me I just got pissed at one friend and took it out on them all lol.. I think sometimes I feel like a mess waiting to happen then i open my eyes and realise that i'm fucking insane lol.. I don't know exactly where my thoughts lie and i think i lie to myself to say i told you so or maybe to prove a point, its something i'll never truly understand.

I think if i could be more flexible that my friends could be too but thanx to slaveway that never really happens lol... Sometimes i can't wait to get through school and get the hell outta that shit hole, but it pays good for now and helps me even attempt to make it through school... yeh at a turtle's pace lol
Well that's my gab for the day cos that's all i can think of lol.

Angry doesn't begin to describe how i'm feeling

I always begin to wonder about people's motives and how in the hell they can call themselves your friends. For awhile you chill a lot and then one day it just stops they don't call you back don't take the initiative to hang out and get all frumpy because you called trying to hang out. At this point in time I feel like a lot of my friends have abandoned me, i will always have my family but i see them every day except sara she's family but i don't get to see her much. I odten wonder what happens in people's minds to make them quit wanting to hang with me, have i gotten so boring that i put them to sleep or something. This is what i'm pondering at 2 Am and angry at all my local friends right now.