The End of 2 decades

Does one ever really think about what their hopes and dreams cost them?  I guess I never did, and with talking with my sister realised that I was so fucking stupid to believe that through hard work that I'd ever been seen as a musician.  It was a pissing contest all along and I never had the right equipment.
   I knew I was at a disadvantage not being able to keep time, and I figured with metal music it wouldn't matter if I was skinny, pretty or slutty enough for people to accept me.  I was fully wrong and while I always knew I didn't fit in and that I didn't belong; I fooled myself into thinking that I did.  It reminds me of being back in elementary school where I wanted to be friends with the popular kids so bad that I treated my friends poorly.  It's something that haunts me every day.

   But to face the music... literally.  So jayce is coming out this weekend and was talking up his good game like he always does about creating this grand scale of music and then it not really reaching that potential.  When we talked the other day and I actually got to choose the genre that I fully wanted to sing to; I was elated.  Now after talking to him today and find out he's been just as stuck with life sucking that he hasn't written a single note.  And if we're being honest; which we always are here.  I've been procrastinating too, I keep telling myself that I'm going to start training again and I'm gonna try to lose weight. And then I eat more shit and just get fatter.
   I will never be skinny enough or refined enough to try out for the voice, I'm totally fooling myself into believing that my voice wouldn't get me voted out first round. But knowing deep down that my 'IMAGE' would be the thing that would get me axed.  

  I read Cristina's posts every day about believing in yourself above all else but she's beautiful and talented and even tho she's a few years older than me she's fit and just amazing.  I'm never going to be able to keep time, and was slightly rudely reminded of my flaw today.  I know my sister was not trying to be cruel, but the only 2 times I've gotten to 'guest vocal' i blew it and was so pathetic.  Every single time any bigger ppl from the scene would come to our shows ( far and few between) but I fucked up every single time.  They weren't wrong to typecast me as a loser.  I was trying to be all metal and brutal and threw out my voice so many times.  
     I'm so busy trying to sound like this hybrid singer of all my favourite vocalists that I don't even really have my own sound; anything I sing would come across as an Amy Lee replica. Without the stunning beauty and grace she exibits on stage.  Today was a rough day.  I'm 39 years old and because I'm so fat i feel like i'm 60. my body hurts, I owuldn't even be able to actually throw down on stage like I used to in Pillaging.  I mean damn I wish I would've not been so scared to sing how I wanted.  Jayce has always believed in my voice, even tho I no longer do.
    I am the has-been, never-was that thought she'd go platinum and get to travel the world and be rich and get out of CO.  Yet here I am 50 billion years later with dbl the weight than what I started at when I first got into the scene.. gahhh it's atrocious really.

  Then i'm definitely becoming a grouchier old mare in my days, I'm still vindictive and cruel and honestly when I'm in the moment I love cutting people down; it makes me feel big and in charge.  I always get a guilty conscious after the fact. But like I highly dislike most of my coworkers anymore.  I need to keep my opinions to myself, because the store is fucked.  All the managers are now shittier than they used to be and nothing is really going to get better.  I need to not stoke the fire and add my commentary to the shit show of the century.  I just have to bide my time until i'm old enough to retire and live in a nursing home; cos that's how old I need to be before I can even retire.  I'll be lucky to get pensions and social security at that point.

  I'm never going to win the lottery and I'm never going to have enough money to buy a house, let alone rent an apartment.  I'm never gonna have my own cat to cuddle; mark literally stole Salem, I'm so mad at myself because I wanted him so bad!! and of course my dad said no, which in hindsight was good because he had bathroom problems all over the place. And with the clutter everywhere it would've been a disaster.  I miss Oona because she would cuddle me the most. Lily is doing better but when I can only go over once every 6 mos, I lose ground with her every time.  
    I'm fucking lonely, I've had so much going on and no one to talk to about it.  I'm mad about the Chris situation because, I do not 100% know if he would've been down with my asexuality; I spend so much time thinking factly that no guy could ever find me attractive. So i pushed him away before it could even start.  And even though I wasn't attracted to Josh at all I am so livid at how he treated me.  Like why waste your time talking to someone and being a friend for 7mos just to run away because I'm fat and ugly (which I told you from the beginning) he's not really a looker either so he's a shallow hal and not worth the anger.  But I think it's because he wasted my time, like it was nice having someone to tell me to have a great day and ask how my day went; and being receptive about how my day went. and giving me a positive response even on my negative days.  The only other person who tells me to have a good day is my sister.  Cos honestly if I wouldn't ever text Mark, he'd never contact me.
   Jayce contacts me a bit less, but honestly i'm ok with that, cos every time we talk it's always about him cos he doesn't have anyone either; but i'm sick of being the emotional beanbag chair. I would like to have something different to say after all my repetitive life can fit into 5 minutes of a 3hr call.  I was super pissed this last time we talked cos he asked my opinion on style of music and still proceeded to shut me out. Like once again he has all the titles for the songs and the name of the album and I feel like it's not really a partnership in writing.
   I could tell on the last album there were songs he didn't like but still played them anyway and titles he didn't care for but I wanted to be included.  So then it goes back to that insanity where I just want to be included, cos i'm a hermit who wants human contact because I'm so utterlessly alone with my head and my emotions all the time.
   Counseling isn't helping, I don't think Kayla will be able to help me, I can't fully describe my inner turmoil to her and , it's not like i'm lying or withholding stuff, but my sessions are so boring and repetative.  I say the same lines every time it's always focused about work because that's all I can relate to right now.  It's like my past is so intertwined with my being up to this point, I'm not sure I could ever forgive those who broke every part of me; including myself.  I can't forgive myself.

    I'm not suicidal persae but I am definitely exhausted, I have no legacy.  I have no history to pass down to future generations. Ty is the only future generation coming out of our immediate bloodline; I will never have children (nor do I ever want them)  I still hate kids lol.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to find someone like me that could be ok with just holding me and not caring that I could never be naked or intimate with them.  Like at this point I'm more in a relationship with my vibrator and no one on this plane of existence could match that.

So for now goodbye and goodnight I need a snack and some sleep.