oh wow this year has been pretty epic i have to say there were a lot of ups and downs but i think the end of it makes me excited to see what next yr brings!!!
So on a sad note it has been a year since my kitty passed away from cancer but i know he isnt hurting anymore and i am trying to fully accept that but he will be missed.
Also after my show last night i'm on a good positive high right now and thats why this post isnt all gloom and doom lol. I got to see my guy last night and sadly i got crunk but he just laughs like he is highly amused, lets hope that is the case lol. Im really hoping we will get together eventually but like i said i'm trying to take this slow i dont want to be all aggro and scare the guy off altho i'm pretty sure i wont do that :) I like the fact that he supports what i do and is such a sweetheart about it. I mean i was trashed and asked him to watch my sandwich while i ran outside to say goodbye to my lil sister that is dedication. I was embarrassed by asking him that later when i gained some common sense but it was a sweet gesture cos, when i came back inside i stood next to him and he was all like so you had me watch your sandwich and you're not gonna eat it.. i told him i had forgotten about it he said it was ok he was just teasing. but it was so cute atleast i thought so...
I think this new year awaits a whole new prospective, i'm gonna try to lose weight again and quit smoking for good and hopefully gain a sweet boyfriend but like i said no rushing. I want to do everything i can to empower my life instead of dwell on negative stuff.. i'm thankful for my family and all my wonderful friends and as long as i remember that i think that my life can only improve. well i guess i should get my chores started i have a lot to clean up after the holidays lol.
well goodbye for now!!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
i'd like a little emo pie
Hello welcome to the i am emo writing network, following this brief introduction i will commence to being emo.. thank you!!!
So i've been sitting in the emo seat for a week now i think its not helping that i'm sick and all i do is sleep and sit her analyzing every little thing. I hate being this insecure about everything but recently i've fallen for another guy we shall call him ronan... I know he cares about me but lil ole me keeps reading everything wrong. I guess in the hopes that i dont fuck this one up. Cos i do care about him but i swear i'm a crush whore, that's all i do is crush on so many guys to be let down by them all. the sad refutable fact that i can name every crush i've had since 1rst grade doesnt help either. And to remember how none of them liked me back scares the crap outta me... cos for once one likes me back but he is terrified by me i can tell, i'm too over bearing and i don't know how too back off.
I swear to the gods that i'm trying to be patient on this once but sadly patience is probably my worst virtue i am a Gemini after all. I don't understand how to change my ways, and believe that i am worthy of the life i've been given. How do i make myself believe what people tell of me? I don't feel pretty, or talented. I don't feel like i deserve to be courted by this wonderous man because he is unlike anyone i have ever met.
I say that old fashioned wise because thats how i feel, this relationship is cos i can feel that he wants to make the manly moves and be the one to win me, but little does he know he has. I am trying to take this crush slow because i fall too easily and i risk being hurt even this time. Pessimistic at heart right but hear me on this, i've never had a guy win my heart and not break it, every single guy i've liked up to now has stolen my heart and then stomped it into tiny little pieces.
I want to be someone who its worthy and not psychotic altho i fear i'm too late on that last one.. why must i dwell in the contemplation that i've already fucked up, he doesn't call me or txt me like he cant bring himself to get to kno me not even a little, not at all. i wish i could remember the poem Kat wrote in 10 things i hate about you it was a classic and should be entered here.
I'm a giant ass ball of Jealous because those whom ive crushed on in the past some have no idea while others merely never cared, and the fact that some of the more recent failures still held a candle in my heart, maybe me hoping they would see me but to no avail none of them have. I don't understand why i cant have the confirmation that ronan likes me, i mean i see his emotions on his face for some part but he cant bring himself to say it outloud.. i think i would be more patient to wait if i knew all my efforts weren't in vain. Sadly we even have a cheering section, altho for most of my crushes my friends try to be by my side even when i pick the assholes.
And i'm negative lately cos i'm minus one friend and I'll miss her greatly i still wish her the best of luck where she is headed!!! Damn straight she'll do great there east coast bound but still i will miss her, she is great she is so much like me in so many ways and because of that i believe no distance will ruin that friendship, im just sad that because of my schedule i hadn't gotten the chance to chill as much as i would've liked to.
Idk what else to do i keep thinking my other friends are changing and running away from me with a white flag but sadly i think i'm the one who has changed. I'd rather play hermit lately and dont want to do much, thanx work for that as well.. But even going to all the shows has just dulled for me, i think because i want to be playing these shows not on the sidelines all the time, but yeh patience once again. Oh well i'm done bitching today time to go play wizard 101 i am liking this game a lot, and all the books i've been reading are all relationship based so i'd like to hork.
So i've been sitting in the emo seat for a week now i think its not helping that i'm sick and all i do is sleep and sit her analyzing every little thing. I hate being this insecure about everything but recently i've fallen for another guy we shall call him ronan... I know he cares about me but lil ole me keeps reading everything wrong. I guess in the hopes that i dont fuck this one up. Cos i do care about him but i swear i'm a crush whore, that's all i do is crush on so many guys to be let down by them all. the sad refutable fact that i can name every crush i've had since 1rst grade doesnt help either. And to remember how none of them liked me back scares the crap outta me... cos for once one likes me back but he is terrified by me i can tell, i'm too over bearing and i don't know how too back off.
I swear to the gods that i'm trying to be patient on this once but sadly patience is probably my worst virtue i am a Gemini after all. I don't understand how to change my ways, and believe that i am worthy of the life i've been given. How do i make myself believe what people tell of me? I don't feel pretty, or talented. I don't feel like i deserve to be courted by this wonderous man because he is unlike anyone i have ever met.
I say that old fashioned wise because thats how i feel, this relationship is cos i can feel that he wants to make the manly moves and be the one to win me, but little does he know he has. I am trying to take this crush slow because i fall too easily and i risk being hurt even this time. Pessimistic at heart right but hear me on this, i've never had a guy win my heart and not break it, every single guy i've liked up to now has stolen my heart and then stomped it into tiny little pieces.
I want to be someone who its worthy and not psychotic altho i fear i'm too late on that last one.. why must i dwell in the contemplation that i've already fucked up, he doesn't call me or txt me like he cant bring himself to get to kno me not even a little, not at all. i wish i could remember the poem Kat wrote in 10 things i hate about you it was a classic and should be entered here.
I'm a giant ass ball of Jealous because those whom ive crushed on in the past some have no idea while others merely never cared, and the fact that some of the more recent failures still held a candle in my heart, maybe me hoping they would see me but to no avail none of them have. I don't understand why i cant have the confirmation that ronan likes me, i mean i see his emotions on his face for some part but he cant bring himself to say it outloud.. i think i would be more patient to wait if i knew all my efforts weren't in vain. Sadly we even have a cheering section, altho for most of my crushes my friends try to be by my side even when i pick the assholes.
And i'm negative lately cos i'm minus one friend and I'll miss her greatly i still wish her the best of luck where she is headed!!! Damn straight she'll do great there east coast bound but still i will miss her, she is great she is so much like me in so many ways and because of that i believe no distance will ruin that friendship, im just sad that because of my schedule i hadn't gotten the chance to chill as much as i would've liked to.
Idk what else to do i keep thinking my other friends are changing and running away from me with a white flag but sadly i think i'm the one who has changed. I'd rather play hermit lately and dont want to do much, thanx work for that as well.. But even going to all the shows has just dulled for me, i think because i want to be playing these shows not on the sidelines all the time, but yeh patience once again. Oh well i'm done bitching today time to go play wizard 101 i am liking this game a lot, and all the books i've been reading are all relationship based so i'd like to hork.
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