backtracking and screwing things up

oh jeez where do i begin... i should just end this there because im so disappointed with myself right now... I know ive been bitching about ronan for months now, but he is for now the least of my issues. So i had a dream the other night about the dreaded V. It was horrible because it stirred up every emotion i have for him, and i say that not past tense because even tho i havent seen him since last july he is like a tattoo on my memory. Ive been lying to myself about him because he is but a ghost in my life, and my full attention should be on my newer interest. But yet again i carry so much regrets with the way i handled V, i think i feel that because he admitted that he liked me not fully, but by telling me he was jealous when he thought my brother was my boyfriend (hehe it still makes me laugh). And what did i do 2 months later i wrote to him cant remember what i said but it was pretty fucked up.

I just wish i could stop my madness cos i know he probably never thinks about me, and i am still lusting him :( The sad part is i keep seeing his jerk of a friend mr. decrepit and he is the last person i would ever want to see. I think i need therapy or something, i seriously need some help. Ive just been surrounded by black lately, everything i do is like a mimick of the life i used to celebrate. I feel so vague and out of touch. How did my life become so empty and so hard, i feel like a fake every day. I dont really like talking to anyone anymore, because i end up just complaining about everything thats wrong, my worries, my doubts. I just never thought id be so broken, i mean ive never been fully whole but ive just never felt depleted.

I just feel like there is no one i can talk to because everyone has their issues and how insensitive would i be to just want to pour out mine. But then everyone asks me advice and i feel like im lacking in that department how can i give people advice if i have never experienced anything. Mark says its because ill have an open mind and my answer would be more from my own heart, but i dont think people should trust my judgments not from my heart anyway. Im hopeless. I torture myself daily on what i will do with the messes that ive made in my life. And the truth i have no flipping idea what im doing, clueless, listless, disengaged.

I cant even voice the feeling i have radiating through me theres so much distaste where do i begin. And then im angry at myself because i told myself i would try to be more caring towards god, and yet i just cant bring myself to fully open up to the idea of religion. I went back into the caverns of my mind today and remembered my life and its weird when i was making up a rap at work it seemed like what i was saying was a lie, but sadly it wasnt. I look back at how ive been a failure since birth at least in my parents' eyes, i know my mom never wanted us and it doesnt change the past. I understand now that she has grown and ive forgiven her but that doesnt mean ill ever forget.. trust me its in my blood like a map that shows when my messed up psyche started... i can remember back till about 4 can i recall every incident no, but the damage is done that i remember anything at all.
Then ofcourse after i chastised my life i went on to my non existant love life and how time and again im screwing up any chance of happiness. Im scared to see ronan soon there is so much i want to ask but feel like its inappropriate to push him into something he might not be comfortable with. Im merely just talking about trying to open him up, he is just as bad as me hermit and all. I know we have things in common but he has accepted retribution i feel i am not worthy of being redeemed. Is that sacriligious?? i went as far as to view my attempted sacrifice and know that people say in the bible that even the attempt means condemnsion for life.

Then i know from what people have told me that god is forgiving and when its time to face him will he be able to forgive me? I feel like a monster, i feel wrong does that make sense? i have a month till my 2 week vacation, i seriously want to see about taking a mini vacation to a mental ward and see if i can be helped. I feel stupid asking my doctors to help find a place where i can just get some peace for a bit. but being an out patient over the last 2 decades hasnt helped so i need a stronger approach and thats why i feel this is a better option. to quietly sneak out of my life for 2 weeks no contact with others and my obsessions. my other option is to whole up into a motel for 2 weeks and not answer my phone but sadly that sounds worse than an institution.. who knows.. so the planning begins.

the coolest dream ever!!

Ok so I just say that cos it was a pretty awesome dream. Definitely awesome to wake up to... So i dreamt that i was at my friends show and our usual crew was there. At the same time everyone decided to go smoke so me and Ronan were left there to chat. He asked why i wasnt going out to smoke and i told him that i had quit around my last show, he seemed surprised cos ive now tried to quit at least 3 times. Well we were talking about something that concerned my niece and he asked if she called me Auntie Em. I just laughed and said that everyone eventually calls me that and then i argued that im pushing 30 not 60, and once im 60 then ive earned the right to be called that. I guess he didn't know my age cos he said "wait you're 30?" and i said this yr i will be still 29. He still said he thought i was younger than that which i get all the time so i didnt take offense. Anyway i said well you know how old i am how old are you, his answer older than that. I argued that wasnt a valid answer lol and that he knew my age so i should know his.. He eventually told me, and i told him that was cool.
Then I did something uncharacteristic of myself and asked him if i could kiss him, and he looked shocked and asked why. I replied that i thought he was attractive that i liked him and thought he was cute and funny. His reply is "so then you ask me for permission?" I said well most people dont and can get close to being decked or something so i thought i would be polite and ask. He just smiled and said yeh. Like a dork I answered yeh what? He just raised his eyebrows at me like he does and i got it. So then i kissed him and it was crazy i didnt really get the whole nervous, we're in front of a lot of people we know feeling. At that point didnt care. I guess while we were kissing our group came in from smoking but only my brother and sister saw us making out.
They waited til we werent kissing and walked up and my sister was like so can i get a soda? I said sure i wanted one too so i turned to Ronan and my brother and asked if they wanted anything. Ronan said no but i was like what about some water or something and he said ok to that. My brother also went to water route.
So my sis and i headed towards the bar for drinks and we didnt even make it there before she started asking what was going on.
I turned bright red and tried to give her a quick run down of what happened, she just smiled and said well its about freaking time. Then the dream just ended and it was just a very crazy dream cos my subconscious is cruel lol.

I dont know why but when i dream about Ronan im always the one taking the steps because i can tell he is really shy but then again i dont exactly know how he feels about me. Like the other day i dreamt that we were with our crew of peeps at this giant house and he at least let me hold his hand, so each dream is what baby steps. I just wish i had more guts to reveal my emotions in real life i seem to be more confident in sleep, but arent we all right!! Well gotta end there cos yay gotta go to work.

so the new year has a glitch lol

so after attempts to get my other kitty feeling better, he just looks miserable and the medicine is affecting him weirdly. So im quite upset but on Monday we'll have to put him to sleep. It just amazes me that both my cats who were brothers will die from cancer. Im wondering if their family has a higher cancer rate than most cats and if their other siblings will have the same fate? I will never know, but it is crazy that it is genetic in animals as well.

so today is a down day for me, i think i officially freaked Ronan out. Ive kinda thrown alot at him as far as my show and inviting him to this other one, and he seemed ok with those. But when i decide to see if he'll play the favourites game with me, thats when he decides to stay mum. I don't know what to think its like he is regretting liking me. I know its not true but thats how i feel because when i invite him to shows he's all on board but when i bring up hanging out without a show involved he never replies. i know he is super shy but im just not good at this sort of thing. everyone is giving me ideas to try and get to know him better but he doesnt seem to want to get to know me. I know we have things in common, but im just losing faith here, i dont want to be patient its not who i am, but every time im around him i get so stupid i wouldnt be able to tell him how i feel anyway.

Im lame i think about him a lot but its not really obssessive like ive been in the past its just impatience lol. Anyways if he doesnt want to talk to me thats just fine, im sick of always having to txt him and just randomly say hi.. he never does that for me. Its like if i dont txt him he doesnt even remember who the fuck i am. Im sick of being an after thought, i wish he woulda never asked me out for coffee, then i wouldnt know he likes me. But we still haven't even done that, its like his spur of the moment things and now its over. Well i'm over it, im not trying anymore. "You want me, come find me, make up your mind" Ev lyrics entered here lol
Im out