backtracking and screwing things up

oh jeez where do i begin... i should just end this there because im so disappointed with myself right now... I know ive been bitching about ronan for months now, but he is for now the least of my issues. So i had a dream the other night about the dreaded V. It was horrible because it stirred up every emotion i have for him, and i say that not past tense because even tho i havent seen him since last july he is like a tattoo on my memory. Ive been lying to myself about him because he is but a ghost in my life, and my full attention should be on my newer interest. But yet again i carry so much regrets with the way i handled V, i think i feel that because he admitted that he liked me not fully, but by telling me he was jealous when he thought my brother was my boyfriend (hehe it still makes me laugh). And what did i do 2 months later i wrote to him cant remember what i said but it was pretty fucked up.

I just wish i could stop my madness cos i know he probably never thinks about me, and i am still lusting him :( The sad part is i keep seeing his jerk of a friend mr. decrepit and he is the last person i would ever want to see. I think i need therapy or something, i seriously need some help. Ive just been surrounded by black lately, everything i do is like a mimick of the life i used to celebrate. I feel so vague and out of touch. How did my life become so empty and so hard, i feel like a fake every day. I dont really like talking to anyone anymore, because i end up just complaining about everything thats wrong, my worries, my doubts. I just never thought id be so broken, i mean ive never been fully whole but ive just never felt depleted.

I just feel like there is no one i can talk to because everyone has their issues and how insensitive would i be to just want to pour out mine. But then everyone asks me advice and i feel like im lacking in that department how can i give people advice if i have never experienced anything. Mark says its because ill have an open mind and my answer would be more from my own heart, but i dont think people should trust my judgments not from my heart anyway. Im hopeless. I torture myself daily on what i will do with the messes that ive made in my life. And the truth i have no flipping idea what im doing, clueless, listless, disengaged.

I cant even voice the feeling i have radiating through me theres so much distaste where do i begin. And then im angry at myself because i told myself i would try to be more caring towards god, and yet i just cant bring myself to fully open up to the idea of religion. I went back into the caverns of my mind today and remembered my life and its weird when i was making up a rap at work it seemed like what i was saying was a lie, but sadly it wasnt. I look back at how ive been a failure since birth at least in my parents' eyes, i know my mom never wanted us and it doesnt change the past. I understand now that she has grown and ive forgiven her but that doesnt mean ill ever forget.. trust me its in my blood like a map that shows when my messed up psyche started... i can remember back till about 4 can i recall every incident no, but the damage is done that i remember anything at all.
Then ofcourse after i chastised my life i went on to my non existant love life and how time and again im screwing up any chance of happiness. Im scared to see ronan soon there is so much i want to ask but feel like its inappropriate to push him into something he might not be comfortable with. Im merely just talking about trying to open him up, he is just as bad as me hermit and all. I know we have things in common but he has accepted retribution i feel i am not worthy of being redeemed. Is that sacriligious?? i went as far as to view my attempted sacrifice and know that people say in the bible that even the attempt means condemnsion for life.

Then i know from what people have told me that god is forgiving and when its time to face him will he be able to forgive me? I feel like a monster, i feel wrong does that make sense? i have a month till my 2 week vacation, i seriously want to see about taking a mini vacation to a mental ward and see if i can be helped. I feel stupid asking my doctors to help find a place where i can just get some peace for a bit. but being an out patient over the last 2 decades hasnt helped so i need a stronger approach and thats why i feel this is a better option. to quietly sneak out of my life for 2 weeks no contact with others and my obsessions. my other option is to whole up into a motel for 2 weeks and not answer my phone but sadly that sounds worse than an institution.. who knows.. so the planning begins.