dream

just posting this here real quick so i don't forget what i remember, it was a nice dream turned nightmare it was not a fun one to wake up from. it started at a house that mirrored my old house on greenway cir except it was mark's house and i was sitting there using his computer to check vampire wars , we were just hanging out and i jacked a granola bar or something out of his cupboard. Then the scene changed and we were in the basement of the current house and it was actually a house not a townhome so the windows were higher up but everything else looked the same. There was something about this weird guy that kept trying to contact us both but i can't remember his relevance in the dream. Then i remember getting dressed and telling Mark i had to do something, i was in town in a shop and i saw it start spitting snow. I used my cordless phone to call the house to say that i was on my way back. all of a sudden water came out of nowhere like a flood and the streets were consumed, i had to tell marks mom that i had to hang up with her because i got swept down this slope and almost dropped the phone. i caught my footing and was able to jump up off the street like a sidewalk and i started towards home because i was worried about the entire house being under water. i saw these trenches with workers digging to make sur the water went there and not all over, one of them told me how to get back through the canyon as it ended up being like lefthand cayon i didn't know how i was going to get back to the house. So i went up this bank of mud and started trudging towards the house, after awhile i came upon a house and i couldn't go around it i had to go through it. this guy stopped me and said i needed gloves that looked like cut gloves from the bakery. I tried to argue with him but he wouldn't let me leave without them, so i stood there waiting for him to get them and woke up. I was scared when i woke up cos i never made it back to the house so i was woried for mark and his mom. it was quite scary, now to head to work yayness.

All Alone I Turn To Stone

Yes today is a fantastic day, so I went to my old store to see about transferring back there but didn't a straight answer, dunno why I thought I would. Have a feeling that by talking to this store manager that if he talked to my current management team I won't be transferring. They're two-faced like that, yeh. Then I've been feeling empty today After hanging with my niece for the day I felt like talking to adults so i tried to txt a couple people and no one answered till i had to go to bed. Usually this is fine and dandy but with the insomnia that plagued me yesterday and now for the most part today it was a bummer. I probably should've taken my anti-depressant today oh well there's always tomorrow.

Everything has been a giant jumble in my head lately with the crappy Ronan situation and how technically we're no longer friends, and then my mind keeps thinking about David and i don't want to be back in that spot, but realise it doesn't matter cos i'll probably never see him again either. For the 3 hrs i sorta slept tonight dreaming about him was a nightmare i didn't want. Then the fact that i should feel glad i'm home, i'm neither glad nor sad just here. I miss Mark and mom and the kitties and pika, sorry i didn't really care for the dogs but love them too yeh. Being here reminds me that Lightning and Sammy aren't here and i just feel sad. I know why im here tho i need help and my dad can help me afford that, right now i'm drowning in my debt and need his insane budgeting skills to get me out of my current mess.

I don't trust anyone enough to tell them how i'm feeling so im silently suffering once again on my own, if i didn't have so much regret in my life about the way i tend to deal with things i probably wouldn't be in this mess, but yeh i hate having to reveal how i feel i will not become that vulnerable, this is the only glance people would get and the turmoil that plagues me and yet its not everything just the outer shell. Its taken many counselors to try and see into my demented mind and they've never been able to, and hell now i want to go back and see them again to pick apart what the hell is wrong with me.

Whatever right, suck it up and be the bigger person, well ya know what all i see is a monster i've turned into those people that i despise, i never thought i would be callous or jealous, never thought i'd been one of 'those' people who would be a backstabber; and yet here i am the monster i didn't want to become. maybe now i fit into the lead singer profile because yes part of me knows how good i am and what i should be able to obtain, and the other part of me knows that no matter how hard i try i won't be given a break. I'm neither skinny nor pretty enough to front anything, not in the denver scene. People say i'm over reacting but seriously i haven't gotten calls back from any bands in Colorado and I know quite a few these days but meh good for them for breaking me down and making me feel like the freak i am, thank you. The anger that sits in my chest is boiling so that means its time to peace out plus i get to have fun at slaveway tonight yayness.

yo ho whatever

So i'm bored once again, lately its like an hrly thing as to whether I can even find motivation for what needs to be done. Sadly no I haven't really found the strength to do much at all. I should be happy about all the awesome stuff coming up and instead i'm just super blah. I have way too much on my mind and am going over past incidences with people that I know. And sadly my mind is telling me that I told them too much info, the kind that will be used against me later I'm sure. That's one of the downfalls of trusting anyone and I know its all part of being human, yay.

I'm actually not looking fwd to the Glass show this time around, and I know i'm sad because they are once again going away for a couple months like last yr. I think its mainly cos I don't want to see this doucher that hurt me, but if he did what he did at the last show then i feel like he is avoiding the shows because of me and that sux. I understand the position and i could care less if he shows up or not, but hopefully people wont ask me about him, i may explode and go off, would rather not. I just wish things were clear as to why someone would act like they like me and then BAM pretty much call me unattractive without calling me out. I still am really hurt about the whole stupid ass thing cos I wasn't being a bitch about what happened but I'm so angry because the doucher is like every other fucking male on this planet. Why can't I be gay? I've had countless amounts of girls hit on me and tell me I'm pretty which I'm not but it feels nice to be told so every once in awhile.

NO i have to be attracted to guys, and have them always hate me back, why throw myself under a bus just to try to date the nihilistic jerks who always end up being shallow and vepid? And why am i never good enough for anyone? I'm sorry but with each rejection I view myself as a monster, its hard to keep faith in people and the heavens when every turn is a bitch slap in the face. I was trying to find some kind of faith something to believe in and even that fell through.

Do you know what sux tho? Is I've often posted about wanting to be apathetic and not feel and the sad part is I'm pretty apathetic about endeavors and stuff but still feel the pain, an my head attacks me at every turn. I tried to be bigger about the lost band opportunity but still feel rebuffed, and with Ronan i went a couple days not feeling affected but the more i remember what he said to me the more angrier i get. Then with my brother we got in a pretty big fight a month or so ago and i feel like we're not as close.

No one wants to be around me anymore and every decision i make is the wrong one and im such a fucking failure at being human and just my breathing is wrong stupid asthma... I just want to disappear because i'm losing myself and everything i worked so hard for, its like i'm reverting back to 13 when i initially began to show the broken parts of myself. And i know i need help but i don't know where to go, who to trust and i just want to give up so much. Yet I will wake up tomorrow and still be just as miserable with myself. Fuck me, i hate myself!

In Need of Faith

Wow talk about feeling hopeless, my life in the last month has just taken a downward spiral. I am not happy about any aspect of my life. I've been upset because I chose to move back into my dad's house, because its something I need to do for myself mainly as a precaution for myself. I just feel sad because Mark and mom are devastated and it hurts me a lot to see them both so upset. I love them they are my adopted family and they've cared for me this past yr, but there are demons inside me that I can no longer harbor on my own.. I need my sister and my dad, they've helped me not explode in the past; otherwise I will have to look into permanent help. I'm scared of what my mind contemplates, even though i know im too scared to actually go through with the thoughts they're still there and getting sicker by the day. I wish for once i had my sister's tolerance for pain, and that isn't a good thing.

Then there's Ronan I never thought someone could hurt me so bad, and its weird the first week after he hurt my feelings i wasnt actually too upset but as each week progresses i get more and more pissed. I guess its because my mind won't shut up. I could've swore he liked me back and for once I felt like someone understood me, because he made me not feel like the freak that i am. I know he thinks differently than others and maybe that was the initial attraction, because he wasnt a sheep like everyone else. HA! no he may think on a different level but he is one of the sheep, why because he is like every other doucher out there. Because i'm not skinny or pretty enough there was no attraction. Story of my life, then why does it hurt so bad? because i can name every guy since 1rst grade who broke a piece of my heart. And Ronan? he shattered what spirit I had left, because I wasnt going to go after him but couldn't help it.

I now know I can't trust anyone not like that is a surprise, but I just feel so alienated from everyone around me, like i'm just going through the motions that people expect from me. I just have no real intention to care anymore, im so bored with every aspect of my life, I wish i could return to being everyone else's shadow and that no one knew who i was. it would make life so much easier and mundane, can i have that back please? Don't get me wrong I love all my friends, and show accquaintances, but im just not happy being social anymore; if there was a way to be silent i'd rather do that. I'm sick of people asking me if i found a band yet. The answer is no, because i'm not known enough for people to give a fuck or even a fair chance, so stop Fucking asking. I tried posting in some scene forums on facebook, no one replied. I'm just this dorky ass girl who supports everyone else thats what i do, and i'm so awesome for doing it yay me.

I just hate everything and i don't know what to do now, I'm so sick of being on this forsaken planet and i despise waking up every day.. i pray to GOD one day he will hear me, but yeh right i'm not spiritual enough. sadistic bitch, thats all i got. I just don't give a flying fuck anymore, the anger has overtaken even the sadness and regret that have plagued me forever and a day. there is only hatred nothing else. that is where i end this cos i couldnt care if people worry about me, they never care when i worry about them so whats the different exchange worth?

A Breath of Fresh Air

So to say I was upset the other day would be an understatement. I was feral, I couldn't believe someone would stoop to destroy what spirit I had left. It hurt, it hurt so bad that it was like the air was punched out of my lungs MMA style. I have an over active imagination so I can actually picture the hole it should've left in my chest. I'm still slightly confused about what is going on, but I figured out a couple of things. Yes I may have been a bit smothering but its only because I was trying hard to be a friend, get to know him, so that I could be there for him. I don't think I'm the only one in the situation that can be applied overzealous since he too hunted me down a couple of times in the past. Also if me and Mark aren't practically hand in hand, he always asks where Mark is, like that i'm tethered to him yeh? Then the one time I wasn't able to be found you know he asked Mark where I was right after he told me not to be around him; I was in the pit taking out some aggression, I do that from time to time, cos being treated like a freak still to this day has its affects.

That was the first time he made it clear I wasnt to be near him, he only said the line 2 other times, and both times I didn't realise I had been invading his space. Damn I only see him once maybe twice a month and he isn't really a friend we don't hang outside the music scene. How else am I supposed to be his friend? randomly txt him to say hi? Won't happen again for sure I decided if he wants to be just accquaintences he's gone and done it. I erased his email, his number and I wish i could be a bitch and un-friend him cos guarenteed I will be highly uncomfortable around him forever more. I'm not sure how we will be able to stay friends, because friends hang around each other, and I will say hi maybe give him a hug, but then i'll run away so fast. I know from these words it seems harsh but I'm seriously afraid to see him in 3 weeks, because I told him I liked him; if he knew me at all then he would know i don't want to fuck, I don't want commitment, I'm not asking to date him because ah I DON'T date. I don't trust guys not one bit. I don't want to be intimate with anyone its too dangerous to let ones guard down that much, and no I never fantasied about a wedding day or a husband and little brats running around. The only fantasy I've had my entire life was music. Besides my family its my only love, the emotions i pour over my music is enough to blow up a fucking wedding cake.

No I won't give it up to a guy and no I'm not attracted to girls, I sometimes like to wear skirts and dresses but most of the time I just like being comfortable. I am the definition of punk - I don't like oppression whether it be my religion, my political views, my fashion, my demeanor, or my look. I'm one of those people who will wear something one day because I like it and something different tomorrow. I am the ultimate Weirdo/ Freak... I'm sorry i noticed that you were appalled by my hair you are shallow and vepid like every other male out there. The look you had on your face when I walked into the Gothic with my short blue hair said it all. I wore my hair with dignity and passion, because its what I do. Hair grows back but respect is a lot harder to fix.

I don't care if people agree with me cutting my hair, because it is empowering for me to be strong enough to cause a stir and know that I still have the wild streak in me. I know its time to make a stand and not do what people want or expect of me, but what i expect of myself. And because seriously if I'm stuck in this hell, i have to take care of me and mine. That means paying off my 10k of debt paying the last 3.5k of my car loan that I'm proud to say is in my name with my credit. I work so hard to be able to help people out, I've been so many peoples' sugar mama over the yr. To the lovers who like to drink too much and beg a beer off of everyone at every show, to the brother who is having the worse time trying to find a job in this shit economy, to my sister who works her ass off and reaps no rewards even to help her daughter, to the injured man whom I thought i would help out cos he was my friend and is having a hard time with stuff. The only person I want to pay me back is my sister she owes me quite a bit.

For everyone else i don't ask to be paid back, i did things for those i love and care about because they needed it at the time. I do have a heart no matter how black and dead it feels. its broken into billions of pieces has been since i was a kid, yet it still wants to beat, even against my will. Im not going to pretend that i didn't extend myself among my means but i don't regret it either. These past years have been times to remember and also times to forget, i have a horrible memory its hereditary or something or maybe its all the stress of illness on my part i'm not sure anymore.

Yes i am manic i hate taking meds because i just don't feel they work, although without them i get delusional and think i feel things i don't, i judge people harshly and it comes out of years of distrust. Doesn't mean i don't love my family and friends, but i do condescend each and every one of you, wondering if you've gotten from me what you needed and if my contract expired. I know lately I don't call or txt or write to anyone and its because i am feeling emo, i don't want to be around people, i just want to forget my time on the stage or in the scene and become part of the shadows again. It was lonely there but it was safe, now i feel too exposed in a world that chooses to tear me down every chance it gets. So yes i'm losing my mind I want to put myself in the hospital, those around me say like hell they'd let me.. then reality is i can't afford to take off from work and stuff to do so. Then i get frustrated because i simply just want to vanish and breathe my own air for once. Be my own. And right now i'm a lost soul i don't know where i'm headed or where i want to go, i don't know who i am anymore. I just want to find out who i am, and i don't know where to start. Why? because i don't know who to trust to help me. I don't want people to tell me what i should do because then im not me, but then again im so lost i don't know about anything anymore.

I know there are so many people who have been where I'm at yet i don't feel comforted by that, they've been there but I am not them i may not come out of this darkness the way they did; I may not be as strong or mentally able enough to pull through, i don't even care some days. Half the time i feel that people only say that as a jest because they don't know what else to really say. it gets so repeatative to hear the words "I Know How You Feel" I am guilty of those words myself and I wonder how many people think I'm catty for saying just that to them. I wish that half the time i knew what to say to make people feel better and being a broken empath that maybe the feelings would come, but no i can't tell when people aren't being honest to me, i can tell when there is tension and i can tell when everything is for show and not necessarily for caring. Its a downfall of this gift/ curse whatever it is. I don't like to tell people that im a freaked out empath because feeling emotions isnt all i can do, and to explain what i can do weirds people out. Most people don't know because they'd think i was demonic or something, but i often wonder if its angelic (half the time i doubt it) but why would god give me a specialty and then give me no esteem to use it correctly. How am i supposed to help people on emotional energies its the most absurd thing i've ever heard. I can't heal with my mind or my hands.. no i calm people down but only on a one on one basis.. And even then i feel like if people actually knew how i calmed them down in a blink of an eye i would be looked at like a freak. The sad part is i call my gift the Rogue syndrome- because on a usual basis i need skin contact. There has only been one incident where skin contact wasnt required, and it was scary. I think im gonna start wearing my hand gloves, because as little contact as possible would be better than none at all.

I should end this here because now you all who read this know my imperfection and will over think it next time you are near me and even be afraid of me. That is how fear is made.

wow............

Im such an idiot. I've completely fucked up everything that was good in my life. I ruined my best friendships and I feel like the monster i was trying not to become. So Ronan and I are finished hardcore, I understand his position and obviously missed all his real signals, cos seriously i thought he liked me, liked me. And he thought i was kinda stalkerish..oops my bad :( I should just learn not to fall so hard, but yeh its my downfall on every single fucking guy why i thought he would be any different, i don't know. These past 7 months have made me realise how fucked up i really am and how nothing can fix me. No one can help me, not anymore. I'm glad i only wasted a year and a half trying to get to know him, and now he is leaving the state thanx for being my friend and telling me. I'm not angry at him really, i know i come on aggressive all the time, so nothing new, just he actually gave me feedback on me being a freak.. I know he was trying to be nice but i should've opened my damned eyes and saw what was in front of me, not what i wanted it to be.

Also, i've messed up everything even with people i do love and care about, I'm just surrounded by so much black and anger and yeh lets just throw more fuel on that fucking fire. I want to watch my soul and my heart burn to the crispy black it feels like they should be. I was thinking the other day that I was so glad i didn't kill myself, because i have some wonderful friends and family. And then i wondered why i'm making them suffer with me, why am i so damn selfish? why am i such a pussy that i can't just fix everything. Now i have no will to fix fucking anything! Truth be told I've begged for death to take me for as long as i remember, i pray for the love of god i don't wake up tomorrow.. sadly i will like i do every day. only now im dead inside and there is so resurrection of the heart that used to beat here. FUCK MY LIFE, there is no hope no faith, no GOD only hell.

Late Night Ramblings

Ok so Im a smidge bored, i can't seem to keep my focus on anything for long periods of time lately. Must be some spastic ADD kicking in or something lol. And its not like i'm out of stuff to do, i guess i'm just bored with the things I always do. even after being away from most of my apps for a month or longer most are caught up and i dont have the same conviction to keeping them. Altho scrabble is the only one i make sure i check on a daily basis, cos yeh im trying really hard to be good at the game, but still fall short; my scores are improving tho but not enough to beat my opponents lol. Anyway i guess i just felt like posting about my crazy mind again tonight, i'm still having dark periods every day where the anger just grabs ahold of me, but i feel better because that i have been trying to do the praying thing. I hope God does hear me some days i just pray to tell him hi. I figured i used to only pray to him when i wanted something for myself, and i mean how selfish could i be when so many other people actually need his miracles. So now i actually pray for those around me a lot more!!
I'm just hoping that i can find a happy medium in my life, I did go through with my seeing about a boy thing and ive noticed things are opening up more, still more work to be done there, but every encounter makes for a better day the next. I am trying to harness patience and so far i haven't plunged off the deep end for being a bit reserved, so i take it as a good sign that i'm on the right path :) I need to realise i'm not the only one with dark in their life and that others need advice and understanding as well, so once again with open eyes i'm observing, i'm learning.
I just wish i knew how to talk to people and confidently say what i would like to, i know it takes practice but it so doesn't help when the person i want to talk to most renders me speechless lol. Naw i take it as a good sign that someone can make me that retarded and still be a great friend. I mean we had a moment the other night that still makes me smile today and thats something i will hold onto for awhile. I even told him it was awesome!!! Well ok im starting to gush i'm signing off now lol

Urgh i'm so done right now

Urgh I am so sick and tired these past two weeks have been rough I won't lie.. After talking to my boss I feel a little better, I thought she would be so pissed that I failed and end audit, which means my displays and crap like that weren't signed.. The store manager has been less than understanding about the fact that I'm at my wits end i'm ready to take a 24 hr nap and just catch up on massive amounts of lost sleep.

Yeh dude told me i'm pretty much his skapegoat if he doesn't get transferred like he has been planning to. I interpreted that as he will make my life a living hell, I know it could be worse but I already feel like i'm working at a prison/concentration camp. I spite him by asking God if he is Hitlers' reincarnation, i know that isnt nice but this man i swear has some devil in him, horrible man. I'm under the assumption that he has multiple personalities cos there are days where he can be the nicest person and then every other day he's an asshole.

The funny thing at least to me is that he doesn't yell at me like he does everyone else, like he tries to use this stern i'm in charge voice and yes i hate confrontation so i do back down a bit, but he has also seen my angry side and yes i am psychotic i have no problem letting people know when i'm pissed; most of the time they just have to look at my face and people get out of my way like i'm an oncoming freight train. :) i have really bad anger issues and its not something people should test to see how far they can push me, its not pretty.. when i get the black vision over my eyes and the rage takes over i'm not me anymore, it is intimidating i wont lie.

i was so upset that i had myself in tears, i hate crying but i refuse to cry in front of that man, he is a chovenist pig and uses tears as a weapon. My tears come from anger and possibly fear if he tries to fire me, even though i tried my hardest the past 2 weeks and have only 2 days left and am 100% happy theyre 4 hrs or under days :) I txtd my boss and told her what happened so on Monday if he just happens to call her into his office she won't be bitch slapped by the fact he thinks i suck at my job lol.. well now i'm more relaxed and hope i can sleep some yesterday i was in a state of insomnia its horrid lol..

this is the reason for my turnaround

I wrote this last week and never posted it, but it was because of this blog that was my eye opener time to wake up moment.. Everyone takes the happy moments in life for granted, for people like me I take whatever happy moment is there and put a death grip on it. I wish there was one day where something didn't always bum me out. I am seriously trying to be happy and i beg for people to understand me.

WTF- 7/11/11

The one time I really want to write a blog the damn site is deciding to be a douche so I im gonna write a document and post later lol.

Ok to say that last night it plaguing me is an understatement nothing went as planned don't know why im surprised nothing ever goes the way I plan. I wish I wasn't so OCD where I could just be spontaneous but I even have to plan the initiative to be risky. I am one fucked up individual, but I guess im just upset because I thought for a minute I could actually explain myself and my actions to Ronan of all people and yeh that was a flop. I went to tell him what was going on and instead I could feel him freaking out and so I had to abridge everything. Empath sucks sometimes, he was acting so distant towards me last night, and he hurt my feelings a little when I was going outside to have a smoke I told him I would be right back cos I had re found him and wanted to talk with him when I came back inside and he was like you don't Have to hang with me. And I did get assertive and said I don't HAVE to do anything I want to hang with you. But I felt rebuffed after that, I couldn't even concentrate at work, cos yeh now I feel like i'm this giant freak show; and the one person I thought would understand me is running full force the other way. I think I fucked this up so so so bad, why am I always the underdog? Why can't I for once just not be unlucky in my life? This is why I need to get away I feel so isolated already, I wish I could just shrivel up and disappear.

I see now the hermit thing isnt gonna work but its not that anyone will listen to why I need some time for me, I only told a couple people about needing time off and it got blown out of proportion, i'm not leaving the scene for good I just need some down time. People think I'm crazy for going to shows on nights that I have to work, and lately with my depression flaring out of control, i'm starting to think that maybe I am putting too much on my plate. I really love music and I wish I had the time and means to go to everybody's shows but I can't and I know people think im blowing them off but im starting to go down hill. This was my place to go to vent and now I can't even hide here, I never thought my excessive bitching would draw fans.

My goals are quite simple for the next couple of months save money for this procedure I want done by the end of next year altho it might take a year or 2 to save money for it, and then to pay off my massive debt, and then to pay for counseling cos yeh I can't hack it on my own like i've been telling myself I could. I need to be more proactive on exercising and its really hard because all I do is work and im exhausted and just want to black out for days. I planned to do that today cos I was practically passing out at work but 5 hrs of sleeping and I woke up with a migraine, but I didn't feel good last night at Glass. I should've notice that my body was gearing up for something. I have been quite tired lately which was my cue that the depression was back full swing. I haven't had 14 hr sleeping days since I was in high school, I remember when I was 13 and I would sleep from the time I got home from school through dinner and all the way till the next morning. I would be up at 430am cramming all my homework in before having to catch the bus.

This is that same feeling where im trying to cram in stuff in around before going to work and coming home and crashing until I have to get up to go to work again. I haven't been eating right because i've been out cold. And yes i'm an idiot I keep forgetting to take my meds so I tried an experiment for at least 2 weeks maybe more of not taking my pills and I just want it documented im screwed im gonna have to take this crap til I die, its not fair. Why did I get this extreme depression? I'm not bi-polar but i'm not uni-polar so what the hell does that classify me as... the fucking freak of nature. Once again I defy everything that I could be categorized as, I fit no molds and yet im still just another head case or something.

I've come to a conclusion that maybe I shouldn't let anyone near me, if I let someone love me, even Ronan; I could screw them up for good, i'm all over the place and I can't control my thoughts or emotions, how can I ask them to deal with me? I wish the simple answer was to lock me in a mental ward for awhile yet im poor I could never afford to take the time off work because I got massive debts to pay, and people would think I was just blowing them off, and disown my friendship. Every solution is a disaster because it would piss everyone else off, and of course because of the empath crap I care about what happens to those around me.. hence why suicide is always in my brain but never executed, well that and I hate physical pain, if I could endure the amount of physical pain that was equal to the mental/emotional pain i've endured; I would be in trouble. But no don't worry kiddies I promise to be a good girl and pretend i'm superfantabulous because that's whats expected. So I shall be the greatest actress on the planet and pretend that everyone doesn't hurt me and that I can't sense the emotions flowing out of every single one of you. (smile. Must keep head up. Pose. smile)

'Its a boy, girl thing'

I am scared right now, I'm deciding to be super brave for once in my life. Why cos I gotta see about a boy. I'm begging you God to please give me the strength to do what I need to do :) I realise that I've been so scared to tell people or one person the truth that I've been hiding behind myself. I have talked to a couple people about my current dilemma and realise that people are rooting for me so much right now. I need to focusing because you can miss so much from being scared. If you never give that cute girl your number or smile at that boy you could miss a whole lifetime of happiness. At this point in time I blame Mark and possibly Sami they've been trying to give me confidence this past month. And I think finally this girl has got a bit to go on, now i just have to have a little faith that God knows what he is doing too.

I know i seem less christian and perhaps a bit agnostic, i believe i'm just confused a little lost, there is love and hope and even peace surrounding us all and we need to accept that.. No matter how normal or weird we may seem that if we accept that as ourselves then anything is possible. There is no way to truly fit in everywhere, some people fit in as jocks others fit in as goths or maybe the quiet skater or the cheerleader. Can you think if your roles were reversed but you knew what you were like before, would you seriously say that it wouldn't have an impact??

I am the quiet punk/skater/goth/thugger girl who just happens to be weird. Sometimes i feel like i don't fit anywhere but ya know what these past couple of months I've finally met people who don't care about my style but accept me for the freaky weird girl i am. I am Not my voice, I am not what i wear. I am Emily the girl who has ambition, I am the girl who loves music because its epic, I am the girl who loves to dream because dreams give you inspiration and motivation. I am Emily damn it and I will not be forsaken anymore, I love this boy and I am no longer afraid of the freak that I am. I finally after 30 years of life can say I 100% accept the girl GOD made me to be.. I accept all the bad and all the good that has paved my life and I will overcome everything that has ever shot me down and I will pray to God every day for the life that he has given me, because if i would've succeeded when i was 15 yrs old I would've never met the most amazing people that I know today. I love you all and I, I think i love myself.

a moment to pause 6/29/11

Hi!!!

I'm actually in a great mood today and that scares me just a bit. I know i have the occasional blog that isn't all poor me, this is one of them :) I know for my sanity that I have to leave the scene for a bit, but amazing enough originally I was gonna walk away and never come back. But i realise i will miss it extremely, but i think also that i'm scared because that I don't have a lot of street cred if you will. I just need to take the next 2 months and work on me, if i can lose some weight and also just refocus on writing new material and lyrics, i think i could bring my confidence up a couple of steps.

Being drastic has always been my calling card so of course i was being all drama queen at being hurt by my friends, but i realise the pressure they too are under but its when that pressure gets to be too much you need to turn to friends.

I may not have too many friends close by but i know who has my back sorta lol. I just wonder what Gods plan is for each of us and i wonder why i just can't bring myself to trust in a divine being. Not saying that i don't believe in fate and stuff but is there something else that controls our free will?

Then someone asked if i believed all this ascension stuff i don't think i do, but im hoping if it does happen and people are saved by God I hope he takes care of all the angels w/o wings in my life. There are too many awesome people out there who have on many occassions saved me from myself and proved that real friends will talk you into clarity.

I know i dog myself a lot, i guess its hard to feel worthy of light when i've been so lost in the dark for so long, but it really helps knowing that I am not alone and even if i don't feel worthy of my life, someone out there finds me worthy. Still dont know who posted that comment but i try to remember that on a daily basis that obviously my friends and family find me worthy of acceptance or we wouldn't be friends. So i close this by saying i may be WEIRD and a little FREAKY but i'm me and thanks to everyone who gets me. :)

wow took time off from my chaos...

And now I'm back, cos yeh my life is one big doozy. I'm trying to act like I can cope with my crappy state of mind but its a lot harder than it looks kiddies. I'm definitely losing my marbles practically one at a time, and I don't think they'll be coming back. I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless, like with Pillaging gone there is relief but also a giant void, I can't recall if i felt this after Merje cos yeh both bands lasted 2 years and BOOM, just done. I think I have to walk away from music for a bit maybe to gain some sanity, perhaps not but I've made that decision, and not lightly by any means.

My plan is simple tell the select few about my 2nd facebook acct and then transfer them over and abandon the person I have been for a while. I am done persuing Ronan he is driving me completely insane because I really can't be any more obvious when I'm with him, yet either he is that oblivious or he doesn't care. It plagues me to kinda walk away from him, because sadly i think i love him and I HATE admitting that at all. Because he thinks I'm nice and thoughtful and even when I told him that I care about him he just said thank you?! WTF man what do you think I mean when i say that i care and worry about your ass all the time.

ok breathe I didn't want this to be a curse fest should be proud I'm trying not to curse like a sailor today. But yeh this last downfall has just caused me to not trust anyone around me, i can't believe people who I thought were my friends, didn't even give me a chance. No, because I'm not skinny or pretty or well known, no because I haven't been in any big bands in this damn scene. Not on talent alone but because of my image. So my plan is to take these couple of months and not see the people I have grown to despise, and to focus on my ultimate goal to possibly, like the person staring back at me. Altho its been hell the last 25 years and I've never been told by anyone that I'm acceptable always the freak of nature. Well this weird ass freak of nature is gonna do what she does and always has done best... Hide.

Don't get me wrong I'm not ending my life trust me i'm too pansy to, but I need to get away from this persona of a rock star that never was, I've tried since I was 12 or 13 to tell people I'm a great musician and not just me but Jenna as well and still to this day people don't believe what we say. We are never given a break no matter how hard we try. So she too is walking away for her I sense that she might not come back and just work on her craft on the side, she's been playing her guitar again. But now Tiva is her #1 and she doesn't want to lose her daughter. But i can't do projects without her, and not because I don't have the talent.. Its because I can't keep time and every time i audition for new projects i look like an idiot. So instead of fill myself with embarrassment i've decided to quit. I will find something else I'm good at, I will read the 20+ plus books sitting next to my bed, I will become thin again, and I will become the highest Magus Wizard on 101, i don't care about FFXI i hate playing by myself its just absolutely boring, and the whole reason I started at all was because Mark and Mom wanted something to share with me, yet i get to share nothing with them. I haven't partied with them on there for almost a year it seems, cos they have all their other friends, why play with a low level n00b.

Yeh anger it runs through me at alarming rates these days, I fear all those people whom i thought were evil are just normal, and i'm the monster. I really do hate people and I'm sick of pretending to be social cos yeh i really suck at it, so even tho Mark vows to get me out there to meet new people, the problem is i don't want to meet anyone. The last 10 years has been hell enough with the friendships i thought i gained only to have some (not all) of them just rip me down. I felt like one of the cool kids for once, but deep down i will always be the nerd girl trying to fit in somewhere I don't belong. The charade is up my friends i'm hoping i can gain some self respect instead of relying on people who are fake like acid tasting sugar. So now i vented and i'm logging off because really everything else is repeatative. Altho I still feel betrayed i never even got a chance, and that is all.

too much on my mind

So another night where i have too much on my mind. I think Im just hurt cos Ronan didnt come to the show last night. And I think i'm being too obsessive towards him, i have a inner feeling he is pulling away. Also i have a feeling that because everyone pairs us together and always asks me about him, i wonder if they ask him about me. So i would understand that he is a little freaked, cos i don't think he wants to be with me. But i know he has some deep stuff going on i just wish he could tell me so that i could help him or something. But yeh i only see him maybe once a month sometimes i'm spoiled and see him more.
I just wish that if he did like me he would at least tell me, whether we actually get to be a couple doesnt exactly bother me, i just want to know how he feels so i dont feel so pathetic. I just hate that I gte so damn attached like a lovesick puppy, it really just makes me feel so stupid. And no matter how I say im gonna just tell him what's on my mind.. I go near him and my brain cells leave. I can't even carry on a decent conversation with him cos it ends with yeh, uh huh, and really? I get so lost in just watching him, i get lost. Don't get me wrong i do listen to what he says and I do pay attention, but i have such a stupid brain that half the time i forget what he says. Then he thinks that because he has to keep reiterating everything that i wasnt listening. And that is SOO not true.
Then after talk serious with Mark and Jenna i didnt want to leave for work, i wanted to stay and continue and i was almost late because i didnt want to go. It was just a sad night saying bye to Robi and seeing everyone and all these people asking where Ronan was and the fact that I didn't know was sad, altho I am not his keeper and we dont really talk on a daily basis. half the time my mind tells me he probably doesnt think about me at all. I know he must but yeh that's a guess, and i got all emo because i was at work and Roots Radical came on and that used to be his txt tone on my other phone, then Pieces came on and that song makes me think of him. back to back it was horrid, im just glad that the other band that makes me think of him didnt come on.
I dont know why love is so lame and why i have to fall so bad, altho i give him props he is the first guy to really give me any positive response, but i dont know how to take his mood shifts like one minute, he seems glad to be near me and then the next he's running away. I think i freaked him out a bit at the show last week. he caught on that something was up and he didnt hang out near me after we had a spat because i told him i would walk with him and he said i didnt have to follow him. And said i was weird cos i was txting my bro while we were in the same venue. I couldnt tell him why my bro wasnt hanging with us, it would've been too embarrassing so i lied and said we were fighting. I don't think he believed me, and so i feel like a jerk cos i could've totally taken that moment and admitted what was really going on. But sadly i couldn't bring myself to tell him the real reason. So i fucked up royally with him and have been down on myself sense, why when i get caught in something do i have to automatically lie? Why couldn't i just tell him why my bro wasnt chilling with us.
I just feel so lost because i can't crack his walls, he won't let me get to know him and its not from a lack of trying. I think i can trust him and that scares the crap out of me, cos as everyone knows i have a hard time trusting anyone, let alone a dude. But fuck whatever its not like this drama will fix itself any time soon, we've been playing this game for a yr. So my patterns are repeating once again yayness.......... time for bed

oh wow

Ok so I've got it bad.... I should just end there but after last night, and what people supposedly asked my bro and my sister, I can't ignore our connections. Ronan pretty much has my heart I wish when I was around him I didnt get epically stupid. But yeh he does that to me, i guess that action is mutual cos he says stupid stuff too lol.

I dont want to rush things with him, wait yeh i do but i know he is chivalrous and i think hes kinda prude, im not saying that im not, but i think i got a step up on him against prudeness. Like i wish he would just tell me what he thinks, if he wants to play old school he should tell me first right? I think once he gets a job and is able to take me out he'll change his tune, so Im trying not to freak out, especially after last night when everyone said duh we know what's going on with you two. One of you have to make a move, and I dont want to be aggro so i have to say that I can't be the one to go first.

Altho im a sneaky bastard and gave him his 1rst bday card! And it was cute he took it back to his car so it wouldnt get ruined, that made me go AWW that he didnt want it damaged. Then he let me buy him a shot again, at least he's letting me do that he gets mad sometimes but meh he can deal its really all i get to buy him. I sound so high school in this sentence im a little scared!! Does liking someone tremendously do that to just about everyone?? Then i girlified myself out, just how much? I painted my nails i'll state for the record i like i painting my nails but because of my work they peel so fast i never do it. He got the painted nails cos I wanted to dress nice for his birthday.

He makes me giddy like a school girl and that really creeps me out lol, because i am an adult yet when im around him i feel elementary all over, i cant say anything intelligable and i do listen to what he says but i get so lost just space out lol.

its weird everyone in our group now asks me about him, where is he at did you talk to him recently, are you 2 together. its just im usually only tied to my sister and my brother. So its like we're already together in everyone elses eyes, we have a cheering section! Altho i wouldnt mind if the cheering section closest to him told him to make a move or something lol. No that would be pushing him and idk if he is ready for anything besides continuous flirty stuff lol.. which he is so cute lol... *gush entered here*

It was crazy last night no one from our group came up and talked with me and him cos we were standing off to the side, it really was date like because most people kept their distance, and they all get +1 xp for not staring this time. Altho i was embarasssed when my friends mom asked my brother if me a ronan were together! It shocked me cos i don't think anyone asks them that, well except Z asked mark once. Its like im finding out everyone is talking about us and asking my sibs if ronan and i are together cos we're elementary lol.
ok i have to stop here or its gonna be bigger gush city and i don't know how much i can really say right now that isnt a repeat......

backtracking and screwing things up

oh jeez where do i begin... i should just end this there because im so disappointed with myself right now... I know ive been bitching about ronan for months now, but he is for now the least of my issues. So i had a dream the other night about the dreaded V. It was horrible because it stirred up every emotion i have for him, and i say that not past tense because even tho i havent seen him since last july he is like a tattoo on my memory. Ive been lying to myself about him because he is but a ghost in my life, and my full attention should be on my newer interest. But yet again i carry so much regrets with the way i handled V, i think i feel that because he admitted that he liked me not fully, but by telling me he was jealous when he thought my brother was my boyfriend (hehe it still makes me laugh). And what did i do 2 months later i wrote to him cant remember what i said but it was pretty fucked up.

I just wish i could stop my madness cos i know he probably never thinks about me, and i am still lusting him :( The sad part is i keep seeing his jerk of a friend mr. decrepit and he is the last person i would ever want to see. I think i need therapy or something, i seriously need some help. Ive just been surrounded by black lately, everything i do is like a mimick of the life i used to celebrate. I feel so vague and out of touch. How did my life become so empty and so hard, i feel like a fake every day. I dont really like talking to anyone anymore, because i end up just complaining about everything thats wrong, my worries, my doubts. I just never thought id be so broken, i mean ive never been fully whole but ive just never felt depleted.

I just feel like there is no one i can talk to because everyone has their issues and how insensitive would i be to just want to pour out mine. But then everyone asks me advice and i feel like im lacking in that department how can i give people advice if i have never experienced anything. Mark says its because ill have an open mind and my answer would be more from my own heart, but i dont think people should trust my judgments not from my heart anyway. Im hopeless. I torture myself daily on what i will do with the messes that ive made in my life. And the truth i have no flipping idea what im doing, clueless, listless, disengaged.

I cant even voice the feeling i have radiating through me theres so much distaste where do i begin. And then im angry at myself because i told myself i would try to be more caring towards god, and yet i just cant bring myself to fully open up to the idea of religion. I went back into the caverns of my mind today and remembered my life and its weird when i was making up a rap at work it seemed like what i was saying was a lie, but sadly it wasnt. I look back at how ive been a failure since birth at least in my parents' eyes, i know my mom never wanted us and it doesnt change the past. I understand now that she has grown and ive forgiven her but that doesnt mean ill ever forget.. trust me its in my blood like a map that shows when my messed up psyche started... i can remember back till about 4 can i recall every incident no, but the damage is done that i remember anything at all.
Then ofcourse after i chastised my life i went on to my non existant love life and how time and again im screwing up any chance of happiness. Im scared to see ronan soon there is so much i want to ask but feel like its inappropriate to push him into something he might not be comfortable with. Im merely just talking about trying to open him up, he is just as bad as me hermit and all. I know we have things in common but he has accepted retribution i feel i am not worthy of being redeemed. Is that sacriligious?? i went as far as to view my attempted sacrifice and know that people say in the bible that even the attempt means condemnsion for life.

Then i know from what people have told me that god is forgiving and when its time to face him will he be able to forgive me? I feel like a monster, i feel wrong does that make sense? i have a month till my 2 week vacation, i seriously want to see about taking a mini vacation to a mental ward and see if i can be helped. I feel stupid asking my doctors to help find a place where i can just get some peace for a bit. but being an out patient over the last 2 decades hasnt helped so i need a stronger approach and thats why i feel this is a better option. to quietly sneak out of my life for 2 weeks no contact with others and my obsessions. my other option is to whole up into a motel for 2 weeks and not answer my phone but sadly that sounds worse than an institution.. who knows.. so the planning begins.

the coolest dream ever!!

Ok so I just say that cos it was a pretty awesome dream. Definitely awesome to wake up to... So i dreamt that i was at my friends show and our usual crew was there. At the same time everyone decided to go smoke so me and Ronan were left there to chat. He asked why i wasnt going out to smoke and i told him that i had quit around my last show, he seemed surprised cos ive now tried to quit at least 3 times. Well we were talking about something that concerned my niece and he asked if she called me Auntie Em. I just laughed and said that everyone eventually calls me that and then i argued that im pushing 30 not 60, and once im 60 then ive earned the right to be called that. I guess he didn't know my age cos he said "wait you're 30?" and i said this yr i will be still 29. He still said he thought i was younger than that which i get all the time so i didnt take offense. Anyway i said well you know how old i am how old are you, his answer older than that. I argued that wasnt a valid answer lol and that he knew my age so i should know his.. He eventually told me, and i told him that was cool.
Then I did something uncharacteristic of myself and asked him if i could kiss him, and he looked shocked and asked why. I replied that i thought he was attractive that i liked him and thought he was cute and funny. His reply is "so then you ask me for permission?" I said well most people dont and can get close to being decked or something so i thought i would be polite and ask. He just smiled and said yeh. Like a dork I answered yeh what? He just raised his eyebrows at me like he does and i got it. So then i kissed him and it was crazy i didnt really get the whole nervous, we're in front of a lot of people we know feeling. At that point didnt care. I guess while we were kissing our group came in from smoking but only my brother and sister saw us making out.
They waited til we werent kissing and walked up and my sister was like so can i get a soda? I said sure i wanted one too so i turned to Ronan and my brother and asked if they wanted anything. Ronan said no but i was like what about some water or something and he said ok to that. My brother also went to water route.
So my sis and i headed towards the bar for drinks and we didnt even make it there before she started asking what was going on.
I turned bright red and tried to give her a quick run down of what happened, she just smiled and said well its about freaking time. Then the dream just ended and it was just a very crazy dream cos my subconscious is cruel lol.

I dont know why but when i dream about Ronan im always the one taking the steps because i can tell he is really shy but then again i dont exactly know how he feels about me. Like the other day i dreamt that we were with our crew of peeps at this giant house and he at least let me hold his hand, so each dream is what baby steps. I just wish i had more guts to reveal my emotions in real life i seem to be more confident in sleep, but arent we all right!! Well gotta end there cos yay gotta go to work.

so the new year has a glitch lol

so after attempts to get my other kitty feeling better, he just looks miserable and the medicine is affecting him weirdly. So im quite upset but on Monday we'll have to put him to sleep. It just amazes me that both my cats who were brothers will die from cancer. Im wondering if their family has a higher cancer rate than most cats and if their other siblings will have the same fate? I will never know, but it is crazy that it is genetic in animals as well.

so today is a down day for me, i think i officially freaked Ronan out. Ive kinda thrown alot at him as far as my show and inviting him to this other one, and he seemed ok with those. But when i decide to see if he'll play the favourites game with me, thats when he decides to stay mum. I don't know what to think its like he is regretting liking me. I know its not true but thats how i feel because when i invite him to shows he's all on board but when i bring up hanging out without a show involved he never replies. i know he is super shy but im just not good at this sort of thing. everyone is giving me ideas to try and get to know him better but he doesnt seem to want to get to know me. I know we have things in common, but im just losing faith here, i dont want to be patient its not who i am, but every time im around him i get so stupid i wouldnt be able to tell him how i feel anyway.

Im lame i think about him a lot but its not really obssessive like ive been in the past its just impatience lol. Anyways if he doesnt want to talk to me thats just fine, im sick of always having to txt him and just randomly say hi.. he never does that for me. Its like if i dont txt him he doesnt even remember who the fuck i am. Im sick of being an after thought, i wish he woulda never asked me out for coffee, then i wouldnt know he likes me. But we still haven't even done that, its like his spur of the moment things and now its over. Well i'm over it, im not trying anymore. "You want me, come find me, make up your mind" Ev lyrics entered here lol
Im out