too much on my mind

So another night where i have too much on my mind. I think Im just hurt cos Ronan didnt come to the show last night. And I think i'm being too obsessive towards him, i have a inner feeling he is pulling away. Also i have a feeling that because everyone pairs us together and always asks me about him, i wonder if they ask him about me. So i would understand that he is a little freaked, cos i don't think he wants to be with me. But i know he has some deep stuff going on i just wish he could tell me so that i could help him or something. But yeh i only see him maybe once a month sometimes i'm spoiled and see him more.
I just wish that if he did like me he would at least tell me, whether we actually get to be a couple doesnt exactly bother me, i just want to know how he feels so i dont feel so pathetic. I just hate that I gte so damn attached like a lovesick puppy, it really just makes me feel so stupid. And no matter how I say im gonna just tell him what's on my mind.. I go near him and my brain cells leave. I can't even carry on a decent conversation with him cos it ends with yeh, uh huh, and really? I get so lost in just watching him, i get lost. Don't get me wrong i do listen to what he says and I do pay attention, but i have such a stupid brain that half the time i forget what he says. Then he thinks that because he has to keep reiterating everything that i wasnt listening. And that is SOO not true.
Then after talk serious with Mark and Jenna i didnt want to leave for work, i wanted to stay and continue and i was almost late because i didnt want to go. It was just a sad night saying bye to Robi and seeing everyone and all these people asking where Ronan was and the fact that I didn't know was sad, altho I am not his keeper and we dont really talk on a daily basis. half the time my mind tells me he probably doesnt think about me at all. I know he must but yeh that's a guess, and i got all emo because i was at work and Roots Radical came on and that used to be his txt tone on my other phone, then Pieces came on and that song makes me think of him. back to back it was horrid, im just glad that the other band that makes me think of him didnt come on.
I dont know why love is so lame and why i have to fall so bad, altho i give him props he is the first guy to really give me any positive response, but i dont know how to take his mood shifts like one minute, he seems glad to be near me and then the next he's running away. I think i freaked him out a bit at the show last week. he caught on that something was up and he didnt hang out near me after we had a spat because i told him i would walk with him and he said i didnt have to follow him. And said i was weird cos i was txting my bro while we were in the same venue. I couldnt tell him why my bro wasnt hanging with us, it would've been too embarrassing so i lied and said we were fighting. I don't think he believed me, and so i feel like a jerk cos i could've totally taken that moment and admitted what was really going on. But sadly i couldn't bring myself to tell him the real reason. So i fucked up royally with him and have been down on myself sense, why when i get caught in something do i have to automatically lie? Why couldn't i just tell him why my bro wasnt chilling with us.
I just feel so lost because i can't crack his walls, he won't let me get to know him and its not from a lack of trying. I think i can trust him and that scares the crap out of me, cos as everyone knows i have a hard time trusting anyone, let alone a dude. But fuck whatever its not like this drama will fix itself any time soon, we've been playing this game for a yr. So my patterns are repeating once again yayness.......... time for bed