wow............

Im such an idiot. I've completely fucked up everything that was good in my life. I ruined my best friendships and I feel like the monster i was trying not to become. So Ronan and I are finished hardcore, I understand his position and obviously missed all his real signals, cos seriously i thought he liked me, liked me. And he thought i was kinda stalkerish..oops my bad :( I should just learn not to fall so hard, but yeh its my downfall on every single fucking guy why i thought he would be any different, i don't know. These past 7 months have made me realise how fucked up i really am and how nothing can fix me. No one can help me, not anymore. I'm glad i only wasted a year and a half trying to get to know him, and now he is leaving the state thanx for being my friend and telling me. I'm not angry at him really, i know i come on aggressive all the time, so nothing new, just he actually gave me feedback on me being a freak.. I know he was trying to be nice but i should've opened my damned eyes and saw what was in front of me, not what i wanted it to be.

Also, i've messed up everything even with people i do love and care about, I'm just surrounded by so much black and anger and yeh lets just throw more fuel on that fucking fire. I want to watch my soul and my heart burn to the crispy black it feels like they should be. I was thinking the other day that I was so glad i didn't kill myself, because i have some wonderful friends and family. And then i wondered why i'm making them suffer with me, why am i so damn selfish? why am i such a pussy that i can't just fix everything. Now i have no will to fix fucking anything! Truth be told I've begged for death to take me for as long as i remember, i pray for the love of god i don't wake up tomorrow.. sadly i will like i do every day. only now im dead inside and there is so resurrection of the heart that used to beat here. FUCK MY LIFE, there is no hope no faith, no GOD only hell.

Late Night Ramblings

Ok so Im a smidge bored, i can't seem to keep my focus on anything for long periods of time lately. Must be some spastic ADD kicking in or something lol. And its not like i'm out of stuff to do, i guess i'm just bored with the things I always do. even after being away from most of my apps for a month or longer most are caught up and i dont have the same conviction to keeping them. Altho scrabble is the only one i make sure i check on a daily basis, cos yeh im trying really hard to be good at the game, but still fall short; my scores are improving tho but not enough to beat my opponents lol. Anyway i guess i just felt like posting about my crazy mind again tonight, i'm still having dark periods every day where the anger just grabs ahold of me, but i feel better because that i have been trying to do the praying thing. I hope God does hear me some days i just pray to tell him hi. I figured i used to only pray to him when i wanted something for myself, and i mean how selfish could i be when so many other people actually need his miracles. So now i actually pray for those around me a lot more!!
I'm just hoping that i can find a happy medium in my life, I did go through with my seeing about a boy thing and ive noticed things are opening up more, still more work to be done there, but every encounter makes for a better day the next. I am trying to harness patience and so far i haven't plunged off the deep end for being a bit reserved, so i take it as a good sign that i'm on the right path :) I need to realise i'm not the only one with dark in their life and that others need advice and understanding as well, so once again with open eyes i'm observing, i'm learning.
I just wish i knew how to talk to people and confidently say what i would like to, i know it takes practice but it so doesn't help when the person i want to talk to most renders me speechless lol. Naw i take it as a good sign that someone can make me that retarded and still be a great friend. I mean we had a moment the other night that still makes me smile today and thats something i will hold onto for awhile. I even told him it was awesome!!! Well ok im starting to gush i'm signing off now lol