wow............

Im such an idiot. I've completely fucked up everything that was good in my life. I ruined my best friendships and I feel like the monster i was trying not to become. So Ronan and I are finished hardcore, I understand his position and obviously missed all his real signals, cos seriously i thought he liked me, liked me. And he thought i was kinda stalkerish..oops my bad :( I should just learn not to fall so hard, but yeh its my downfall on every single fucking guy why i thought he would be any different, i don't know. These past 7 months have made me realise how fucked up i really am and how nothing can fix me. No one can help me, not anymore. I'm glad i only wasted a year and a half trying to get to know him, and now he is leaving the state thanx for being my friend and telling me. I'm not angry at him really, i know i come on aggressive all the time, so nothing new, just he actually gave me feedback on me being a freak.. I know he was trying to be nice but i should've opened my damned eyes and saw what was in front of me, not what i wanted it to be.

Also, i've messed up everything even with people i do love and care about, I'm just surrounded by so much black and anger and yeh lets just throw more fuel on that fucking fire. I want to watch my soul and my heart burn to the crispy black it feels like they should be. I was thinking the other day that I was so glad i didn't kill myself, because i have some wonderful friends and family. And then i wondered why i'm making them suffer with me, why am i so damn selfish? why am i such a pussy that i can't just fix everything. Now i have no will to fix fucking anything! Truth be told I've begged for death to take me for as long as i remember, i pray for the love of god i don't wake up tomorrow.. sadly i will like i do every day. only now im dead inside and there is so resurrection of the heart that used to beat here. FUCK MY LIFE, there is no hope no faith, no GOD only hell.