the crazy shit continues

ok so here is part two lol the one where because i'm stoned i've just given a life story in one blog. but no i have these stupid revelations when i'm so stoned and i hate to just sit and ponder them but i never remember what i said the next day. SO

Part two:

So i ask myself why god made me so fucked up like from doing stuff in my past did i make him despise me or was i made to be fucked up always??? I wrote this down because i wanted to go back and update up to this stupid point that i'm about to make like an epiphany lol.

GOD is cruel.
Why even create emotions and love?
I just realised who my soulmate has been all along, but its not fair cos he's not straight and i am not a gay male. But we secretly liked each other way back when. I secretly wanted him then, but to be honest i thought he was so attractive but i don't know if it was because he was with Jenn... she got all the boyfriends, she's the one who has had real relationships. But i secretly liked kissing him even when i knew he was gay, he's the one guy i will always like to kiss.
I sit here and i hate that i was jealous of my sister, i always thought he was great.. even now i look at him and i still have a hole in my heart that was burned there for him.. I almost wish he was straight cos then i wouldn't be even thinking of "V" i would be thinking of only him.
Then i hate myself because i seem to always like more than one guy like "C" and "S" at the same time.. I then feel like a whore because i'd hate to choose. But its weird i still don't like a single guy who isn't out of my reach... Every guy on this planet that attracts me is completely unattainable. Its weird i have a pattern with guys lol.. most of the guys i like a lot are Taurus' why i dunno really... But the two guys that this post is about are not.. I can't say their sign incase people that know "V" were to put pieces together. See again afraid of everyone else.

I want to know why i can't tell people how i feel and have them be ok with it? I either lose those people in my life or my life gets turned upside down and a shitload of drama insues. Case and point i don't really talk to either of my exes, that's right just two.. why because i can't land a date to save my fucking life. well technically i did have a date when i was 20 but that went horribly wrong and yeh i never saw the guy again. no we didn't fuck that's how it sounds.. no i was so damn nervous cos really he was my first official date ever, sorry but the date with "A" sucked and i never considered it a real one. But i talked the poor guy's ear off for too many hours, and that taught me to never talk around any guy i find remotely attractive. yes i look like an asshole for not speaking but trust me its better than having an emotional breakdown over pasta lol.

I dream that one day i will have someone see me for me and not my fucking chest.. trust me i hate it and if i get rich i will have surgery.. that's a promise i made myself in middle school if not earlier. I get all these assholes thinking that just because i dress in gothy black clothes that i'm a slut who likes S&M and wants to get freaky with every guy.. I'm sick of guys asking me if I bite just because i like vampires and i'm sick of guys only talking to me because they think i would fuck them news flash to anyone who even gives a shit.... I am a virgin and i won't sleep with anyone i don't trust.. I know that's a fault cos supposedly at 27 i should be sleeping with whomever i want commitment or not. But i have mad issues there, i don't want to sleep with just anyone i want to know the person i want to be somewhat attracted to them. no we don't have to be married or shit like that, but i want someone who might understand me and not take intial advantage of me. I want someone who won't just fuck me and then walk out the door and tell everyone that i'm a whore, i only want someone who wouldn't mind if i suck in that department cos news flash i probably will. why cos i actually hate the thought of actually committing to someone that far. again the trust issue.

Wow that's the most honest i've been even to myself, because i don't discuss my sexual thoughts to anyone.. and no i'm not broken i get excited around guys i do but my brain is never locked on sex or anything along those lines.. maybe i am broken because that's not the first thing i think about when i look at a guy. even tho i know that's the only thing they think about when they see me. Fuck i just really need to not care anymore, but that's my downfall damnit cos i will always care too much. about people and about what they think of me. wtf right?

Wow my life is a freak show

This is blog one of two because i just realised i have not posted since december and actually need to make a fucking diary about my life lol... why maybe so i can feel good about my current dilemma.

Part one:

Okay since November I have had a crush on a certain anywhoo in the Denver music scene, weirdly i didn't even know his name till maybe January of this year if not February. for all intensive purposes he is "V" . I'm so fucking confused because I feel like i connect to him but in reality I never will. I doubt he knows who i am and i'm not one to push the rememberance. I want to say the moment of sitting with him on the couch and that whatever minutes of silence was some fucked up connection.. I didn't act all groupiesh and he didn't have to talk. But i looked at him then and realised he was a beautiful individual with some light to him, even tho his mood was dark, but i saw a glimmer of something.
I don't know i knew i liked him then but it wasn't like i was totally hooked on him, i think i really liked him more after the new year, i wanted i don't know what i wanted... but i saw him again twice in two weeks and it was weird really. The first encounter i saw him angry and i wanted to comfort him because he never deserved the treatment he got, i tried to talk to him but he shrugged me off, i let him go.. we didn't know each other and to his friends i was probably a groupie or something.
Then i saw him the next week and actually carried a small conversation with him, and i was actually happy because he spoke freely and for one minute he let me through his barrier. From that day on I can't get the fucker off my mind, i dream about him i pretend that he's here and that he could actually care about me.. but who the fuck am i kidding he doesn't even know my name...
I was sad cos i was supposed to see him earlier this month but i knew god didn't want me to fuck things up cos yeh i got trashed i would've either been a pussy and never said hi to him or i would've gotten too friendly or something. I'm almost scared to see him soon, because i don't know if i will be able to just say hi or if i will be stupid and hit on him although anyone who knows me, should know i'd be the pussy and never say anything i never have the nerve... and why because so many times i've told people i like someone and they say ask them out or talk to them.
That's when i find out i'm not attractive enough or too dorky for anyone to take notice.. Plus my standards are too high.. i am mainly attracted to the hot guys who only want the pretty skinny girls with preppy girly clothes, not some overweight goth chick. But even when i was skinny they didn't like me cos i was too tomboyish hence the 'lesbian' reference all the fucking time.
I almost wish i was a lesbian really or that i was a guy... cos if i was a guy i'd look like my dad i would be attractive. or i could be a gay male and have the one guy who gets me lol.. (next blog)