ok so here is part two lol the one where because i'm stoned i've just given a life story in one blog. but no i have these stupid revelations when i'm so stoned and i hate to just sit and ponder them but i never remember what i said the next day. SO
Part two:
So i ask myself why god made me so fucked up like from doing stuff in my past did i make him despise me or was i made to be fucked up always??? I wrote this down because i wanted to go back and update up to this stupid point that i'm about to make like an epiphany lol.
GOD is cruel.
Why even create emotions and love?
I just realised who my soulmate has been all along, but its not fair cos he's not straight and i am not a gay male. But we secretly liked each other way back when. I secretly wanted him then, but to be honest i thought he was so attractive but i don't know if it was because he was with Jenn... she got all the boyfriends, she's the one who has had real relationships. But i secretly liked kissing him even when i knew he was gay, he's the one guy i will always like to kiss.
I sit here and i hate that i was jealous of my sister, i always thought he was great.. even now i look at him and i still have a hole in my heart that was burned there for him.. I almost wish he was straight cos then i wouldn't be even thinking of "V" i would be thinking of only him.
Then i hate myself because i seem to always like more than one guy like "C" and "S" at the same time.. I then feel like a whore because i'd hate to choose. But its weird i still don't like a single guy who isn't out of my reach... Every guy on this planet that attracts me is completely unattainable. Its weird i have a pattern with guys lol.. most of the guys i like a lot are Taurus' why i dunno really... But the two guys that this post is about are not.. I can't say their sign incase people that know "V" were to put pieces together. See again afraid of everyone else.
I want to know why i can't tell people how i feel and have them be ok with it? I either lose those people in my life or my life gets turned upside down and a shitload of drama insues. Case and point i don't really talk to either of my exes, that's right just two.. why because i can't land a date to save my fucking life. well technically i did have a date when i was 20 but that went horribly wrong and yeh i never saw the guy again. no we didn't fuck that's how it sounds.. no i was so damn nervous cos really he was my first official date ever, sorry but the date with "A" sucked and i never considered it a real one. But i talked the poor guy's ear off for too many hours, and that taught me to never talk around any guy i find remotely attractive. yes i look like an asshole for not speaking but trust me its better than having an emotional breakdown over pasta lol.
I dream that one day i will have someone see me for me and not my fucking chest.. trust me i hate it and if i get rich i will have surgery.. that's a promise i made myself in middle school if not earlier. I get all these assholes thinking that just because i dress in gothy black clothes that i'm a slut who likes S&M and wants to get freaky with every guy.. I'm sick of guys asking me if I bite just because i like vampires and i'm sick of guys only talking to me because they think i would fuck them news flash to anyone who even gives a shit.... I am a virgin and i won't sleep with anyone i don't trust.. I know that's a fault cos supposedly at 27 i should be sleeping with whomever i want commitment or not. But i have mad issues there, i don't want to sleep with just anyone i want to know the person i want to be somewhat attracted to them. no we don't have to be married or shit like that, but i want someone who might understand me and not take intial advantage of me. I want someone who won't just fuck me and then walk out the door and tell everyone that i'm a whore, i only want someone who wouldn't mind if i suck in that department cos news flash i probably will. why cos i actually hate the thought of actually committing to someone that far. again the trust issue.
Wow that's the most honest i've been even to myself, because i don't discuss my sexual thoughts to anyone.. and no i'm not broken i get excited around guys i do but my brain is never locked on sex or anything along those lines.. maybe i am broken because that's not the first thing i think about when i look at a guy. even tho i know that's the only thing they think about when they see me. Fuck i just really need to not care anymore, but that's my downfall damnit cos i will always care too much. about people and about what they think of me. wtf right?
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All right this is probably going to get me in trouble.
Gay guy isn't worth it, not because of my own personal thing, but because no one who is that unattainable is worth it. He's a great guy, I get that, I knew that side once before. But he's still not worth it.
You need to get some confidence, You always look nice in your photos, and you always look like you're having alot of fun. Those are good qualities. I think you're making assumptions on people too, I've never been small, and I've put myself way out there to get guys. I actually was sorta hoe-ish...not a good thing. But if you don't ever risk it, you can't ever get it. Everything is a moderate risk, asking for a raise at work, leaving your phone number for the hot waiter, posting a blog about people you like. ;D They are all risks, sometimes you have to put yourself out there. Not all guys care about size, and not all guys think big girls are sluts.
Um yeah, so if you hate me because of this, just go ahead and block me all around, it's all right, not like it hasn't happened before.
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