This is blog one of two because i just realised i have not posted since december and actually need to make a fucking diary about my life lol... why maybe so i can feel good about my current dilemma.
Part one:
Okay since November I have had a crush on a certain anywhoo in the Denver music scene, weirdly i didn't even know his name till maybe January of this year if not February. for all intensive purposes he is "V" . I'm so fucking confused because I feel like i connect to him but in reality I never will. I doubt he knows who i am and i'm not one to push the rememberance. I want to say the moment of sitting with him on the couch and that whatever minutes of silence was some fucked up connection.. I didn't act all groupiesh and he didn't have to talk. But i looked at him then and realised he was a beautiful individual with some light to him, even tho his mood was dark, but i saw a glimmer of something.
I don't know i knew i liked him then but it wasn't like i was totally hooked on him, i think i really liked him more after the new year, i wanted i don't know what i wanted... but i saw him again twice in two weeks and it was weird really. The first encounter i saw him angry and i wanted to comfort him because he never deserved the treatment he got, i tried to talk to him but he shrugged me off, i let him go.. we didn't know each other and to his friends i was probably a groupie or something.
Then i saw him the next week and actually carried a small conversation with him, and i was actually happy because he spoke freely and for one minute he let me through his barrier. From that day on I can't get the fucker off my mind, i dream about him i pretend that he's here and that he could actually care about me.. but who the fuck am i kidding he doesn't even know my name...
I was sad cos i was supposed to see him earlier this month but i knew god didn't want me to fuck things up cos yeh i got trashed i would've either been a pussy and never said hi to him or i would've gotten too friendly or something. I'm almost scared to see him soon, because i don't know if i will be able to just say hi or if i will be stupid and hit on him although anyone who knows me, should know i'd be the pussy and never say anything i never have the nerve... and why because so many times i've told people i like someone and they say ask them out or talk to them.
That's when i find out i'm not attractive enough or too dorky for anyone to take notice.. Plus my standards are too high.. i am mainly attracted to the hot guys who only want the pretty skinny girls with preppy girly clothes, not some overweight goth chick. But even when i was skinny they didn't like me cos i was too tomboyish hence the 'lesbian' reference all the fucking time.
I almost wish i was a lesbian really or that i was a guy... cos if i was a guy i'd look like my dad i would be attractive. or i could be a gay male and have the one guy who gets me lol.. (next blog)
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