So to say I was upset the other day would be an understatement. I was feral, I couldn't believe someone would stoop to destroy what spirit I had left. It hurt, it hurt so bad that it was like the air was punched out of my lungs MMA style. I have an over active imagination so I can actually picture the hole it should've left in my chest. I'm still slightly confused about what is going on, but I figured out a couple of things. Yes I may have been a bit smothering but its only because I was trying hard to be a friend, get to know him, so that I could be there for him. I don't think I'm the only one in the situation that can be applied overzealous since he too hunted me down a couple of times in the past. Also if me and Mark aren't practically hand in hand, he always asks where Mark is, like that i'm tethered to him yeh? Then the one time I wasn't able to be found you know he asked Mark where I was right after he told me not to be around him; I was in the pit taking out some aggression, I do that from time to time, cos being treated like a freak still to this day has its affects. That was the first time he made it clear I wasnt to be near him, he only said the line 2 other times, and both times I didn't realise I had been invading his space. Damn I only see him once maybe twice a month and he isn't really a friend we don't hang outside the music scene. How else am I supposed to be his friend? randomly txt him to say hi? Won't happen again for sure I decided if he wants to be just accquaintences he's gone and done it. I erased his email, his number and I wish i could be a bitch and un-friend him cos guarenteed I will be highly uncomfortable around him forever more. I'm not sure how we will be able to stay friends, because friends hang around each other, and I will say hi maybe give him a hug, but then i'll run away so fast. I know from these words it seems harsh but I'm seriously afraid to see him in 3 weeks, because I told him I liked him; if he knew me at all then he would know i don't want to fuck, I don't want commitment, I'm not asking to date him because ah I DON'T date. I don't trust guys not one bit. I don't want to be intimate with anyone its too dangerous to let ones guard down that much, and no I never fantasied about a wedding day or a husband and little brats running around. The only fantasy I've had my entire life was music. Besides my family its my only love, the emotions i pour over my music is enough to blow up a fucking wedding cake.
No I won't give it up to a guy and no I'm not attracted to girls, I sometimes like to wear skirts and dresses but most of the time I just like being comfortable. I am the definition of punk - I don't like oppression whether it be my religion, my political views, my fashion, my demeanor, or my look. I'm one of those people who will wear something one day because I like it and something different tomorrow. I am the ultimate Weirdo/ Freak... I'm sorry i noticed that you were appalled by my hair you are shallow and vepid like every other male out there. The look you had on your face when I walked into the Gothic with my short blue hair said it all. I wore my hair with dignity and passion, because its what I do. Hair grows back but respect is a lot harder to fix.
I don't care if people agree with me cutting my hair, because it is empowering for me to be strong enough to cause a stir and know that I still have the wild streak in me. I know its time to make a stand and not do what people want or expect of me, but what i expect of myself. And because seriously if I'm stuck in this hell, i have to take care of me and mine. That means paying off my 10k of debt paying the last 3.5k of my car loan that I'm proud to say is in my name with my credit. I work so hard to be able to help people out, I've been so many peoples' sugar mama over the yr. To the lovers who like to drink too much and beg a beer off of everyone at every show, to the brother who is having the worse time trying to find a job in this shit economy, to my sister who works her ass off and reaps no rewards even to help her daughter, to the injured man whom I thought i would help out cos he was my friend and is having a hard time with stuff. The only person I want to pay me back is my sister she owes me quite a bit.
For everyone else i don't ask to be paid back, i did things for those i love and care about because they needed it at the time. I do have a heart no matter how black and dead it feels. its broken into billions of pieces has been since i was a kid, yet it still wants to beat, even against my will. Im not going to pretend that i didn't extend myself among my means but i don't regret it either. These past years have been times to remember and also times to forget, i have a horrible memory its hereditary or something or maybe its all the stress of illness on my part i'm not sure anymore.
Yes i am manic i hate taking meds because i just don't feel they work, although without them i get delusional and think i feel things i don't, i judge people harshly and it comes out of years of distrust. Doesn't mean i don't love my family and friends, but i do condescend each and every one of you, wondering if you've gotten from me what you needed and if my contract expired. I know lately I don't call or txt or write to anyone and its because i am feeling emo, i don't want to be around people, i just want to forget my time on the stage or in the scene and become part of the shadows again. It was lonely there but it was safe, now i feel too exposed in a world that chooses to tear me down every chance it gets. So yes i'm losing my mind I want to put myself in the hospital, those around me say like hell they'd let me.. then reality is i can't afford to take off from work and stuff to do so. Then i get frustrated because i simply just want to vanish and breathe my own air for once. Be my own. And right now i'm a lost soul i don't know where i'm headed or where i want to go, i don't know who i am anymore. I just want to find out who i am, and i don't know where to start. Why? because i don't know who to trust to help me. I don't want people to tell me what i should do because then im not me, but then again im so lost i don't know about anything anymore.
I know there are so many people who have been where I'm at yet i don't feel comforted by that, they've been there but I am not them i may not come out of this darkness the way they did; I may not be as strong or mentally able enough to pull through, i don't even care some days. Half the time i feel that people only say that as a jest because they don't know what else to really say. it gets so repeatative to hear the words "I Know How You Feel" I am guilty of those words myself and I wonder how many people think I'm catty for saying just that to them. I wish that half the time i knew what to say to make people feel better and being a broken empath that maybe the feelings would come, but no i can't tell when people aren't being honest to me, i can tell when there is tension and i can tell when everything is for show and not necessarily for caring. Its a downfall of this gift/ curse whatever it is. I don't like to tell people that im a freaked out empath because feeling emotions isnt all i can do, and to explain what i can do weirds people out. Most people don't know because they'd think i was demonic or something, but i often wonder if its angelic (half the time i doubt it) but why would god give me a specialty and then give me no esteem to use it correctly. How am i supposed to help people on emotional energies its the most absurd thing i've ever heard. I can't heal with my mind or my hands.. no i calm people down but only on a one on one basis.. And even then i feel like if people actually knew how i calmed them down in a blink of an eye i would be looked at like a freak. The sad part is i call my gift the Rogue syndrome- because on a usual basis i need skin contact. There has only been one incident where skin contact wasnt required, and it was scary. I think im gonna start wearing my hand gloves, because as little contact as possible would be better than none at all.
I should end this here because now you all who read this know my imperfection and will over think it next time you are near me and even be afraid of me. That is how fear is made.
