Why Can't I Be a Girl

FML!! I don't really know what else to say about everything.  I'm so super depressed and nothing really seems to help to alleviate that hurt.  I kno I'm not pretty and skinny or anywhere near attractive but to sit there and be a douche to me because of all of my short comings I don't really know how to respond to that.  So with JM I thought maybe he was just having a rough month or so but after today I'm 100% sure i'm the only one in my store that he has a problem with and I don't kno why.  Like I wish I could be powerful and walk up to him and ask him what his fucking problem is.  It's like should I apologise for being nice and trying to be friendly?  NO? Then why the fuck do you shoot the shit with my co-workers?  Oh because they're guys, there's no way that they'll stare at you and hit on you is that it???
     And then I have to wait until next yr to do my full sleep study so for a month I have to sleep with oxygen and night 1 was awful, my nose and throat were so dry that I woke up and couldn't breathe; i felt like i was suffocating or having an asthma attack.  And just getting to work I had to use my inhaler because it set my asthma off more.  
   I'm so sick of being fucking fat and not having the energy to fix it.  I don't want to hit 400+ lbs like DW at work he's so useless he should claim disability and not waste our time.  I'm 300 and worthless as well maybe I should just institutionalize myself.  I'm fucking insane and have no one to help combat the crazy.  I'm losing it and starting to talk to myself again cos I don't have anyone who wants to listen to my problems.  I know my sister doesn't want to hear about gaming or work so anytime she asks how i'm doing i just say fine even tho that's the furthest from where I'm actually at.
       She's too busy being career mom and doting wife while I lost my sister and my best friend.  She doesn't want to hear about my day because it consists of work and that drama but that's my day.  I told her about JM and how he's been treating me and she just shrugs.  Even everyone at work just shrugs at me cos they all have partners and don't care that my attraction to him is like middle schoolish.  No i don't want to fuck him.. why?  cos i'm broken and could never commit to that much.  And he is definitely not attracted to me so no chance of that ever happening.
   I'm so jealous and sick of all these people hooking up, dating or getting married and having kids.  I've always told myself I didn't want these things but I'd be super lying if I didn't tell the truth that I want someone to want to hold me and be happy to see me.  And I know for certain that I will Never have that.  I'm 35 i'm not getting any younger and so possibly that internal clock is ticking but I just laugh maniacally at it cos it's never getting fullfilled.  The higher powers that are can take me now. I don't want this anymore.  I've failed as a human being so I should be banished to nowhere all by myself.   I pray for death today, tomorrow and every day after that. I just can't do this anymore... Why do I have to be a pansy?! Why can't i be like my sister and able to cause myself pain. I beg for an ending cos I can feel the hope i've held onto just slipping.
     How can an emotionally devoid person even try to hold onto something they'll never be able to grasp or understand.  Please someone hear me.

I fucking forgot why I wanted to post this damnit!!!  So today Jay came into the store and like i've done the past 2 weeks didn't look at him. But what pisses me off the most is ever since the cheeto incident he now shoots the shit with J and W!! So its just me that he doesn't like; I'm the one being ignored like the plague!  What the fuck did I do to deserve that shit?  And then I realised something essential.  Had J and W not roused him about the checkstand situation he would've never offered me a cheeto, he only did that because they were there.  So Even tho I thought he didn't like me cos I checked him out, it goes back further than that and I'm not sure what I did besides being a DUFF???  Seriously that just makes him look like the biggest/shallowest asshole on the planet.  :'(   Like seriously??
  I was so sure he stopped talking to me cos he was going through shit and in reals he must've realised i was crushing on him and was disgusted so stopped all contact with me.  LIke I know I'm not date material not even hook up material but fuck I would've rather been friends but yeah that will never happen. So here I sit not sure why anybody gives me and kind of credit as a human being.  Yeah fuck that.

Oh How The Tides Rise

So yesterday even tho I was feeling blah at work I did a really awesome thing, this poor girl was upset cos her apple pay wouldn't work and she had forgotten her wallet. X tried to help with it but it just wouldn't work; So I turned around and paid for her groceries.  Not a big deal but she gave me a hug and was practically in tears.  Even X was like shocked I did it but hey why not lol.
So generally I walk into work today with my chest puffed out a little I got a compliment from X and D when they came to work cos that girl gave me a 10 shop.  That was the highlight of my day it went shit from there.  Today was super slow and extremely boring.  And then Jay came in and I perked up a little only to be practically kicked in the teeth and highly embarrassed...

So I over react to everything any kind of niceity and I think I've won an edge with someone.... So the other day Jay came in and bought cheetos i'm skipping the banter between him, J and W but anyways he offered them some cheetos both guys said no.  So he was in really good mood and turned to me and asked if I wanted some cheetos I of course said yes lol.  So he said to the guys 'see someone cares!!'  Which i just blushed hell i'm a fat girl and I like cheeotos.  But I think a part of me felt excited that he said I cared......

  Fast fwd to today So apparently I assumed because of that interaction that maybe that would make Jay more friendly to me, yeaaaaahhh not so much.  When I was on lunch he came upstairs and I said hey in an overly friendly tone and he practicalled grunted something that was supposed to pass as a hey or something.  So I was upset cos I really do try to say hi to him; and no not just cos I like him but he always looks really down and anti-social and I wanted to offer a niceness to bring a smile to his face.  The past month that hasn't worked it did at first when he would come up so I'd say hi when he was checking out. Now he either avoids the checkstands like the plague or doesn't acknowledge me whatsoever.
Well after that break room whatever it was I thought he had left, which I was bummed but glad and then I saw he was still there.  Well then I saw him talking to this other guy and X and he seemed normal and complacent like.
I mean yes I know I stare at him a lot he's hot I can't really help myself, and its not like anything will ever happen cos I'm well ... me.
 Anyways X called a huddle to floral so I glanced over there and then was pacing the front end.  Jay came walking by and like a moron i turned my gaze to him and watched him go, well when he was rounding the corner he caught me looking at him.  And well the look he gave me was slight disgusted slight annoyance; it completely shattered me. I'm usually careful when I like someone not to stare but obviously I freak him out so I must've been too nice to him.
  After the cheeto incident I assumed it made us pals but no that boy is more bi-polar than I am.  And that's saying a lot.

So now as I'm completely embarrassed and feeling highly inadequate I have to curse my heart and my emotions for always falling too hard for people like I do.  I should kno that i'm forever in the pal/buddy zone.  I don't get hit on unless the guy is drunk or desperate and gee doesn't that make a girl feel special.  

It's like hey I know I'm a freak ok, I've been told I was one for as long as I can remember, and it never ceases ya know.  I'm not pretty, skinny, wantable I get it. Please stop reminding me. I mean fuck I was appalled when PC was trying to flirt with me cos he liked my sister and help assuming that because I was alone and he was desperate that he would be willing to deal with my Asexuality.  The guy is a man whore there was no way he'd be able to just 'ignore' that.  Needless to say i politely declined just as I decline my friends who are dating and they're not happy but keep trying to throw in a good word for their friend whom I have NO interest in ever meeting.

I lie all the time and say that I deal with being alone because it's better in the long run, less drama.  But I've turned into a vicious person and the truth is I push people away and no I don't trust anyone but i fucking hate being a lone.  But i will forever and pathetically revel in the amazement of the single life...

A bad week I need to vent lmao

Soooo I like a guy we'll call him Jay, I know absolutely nothing about him but he makes me have butterflies.  I've not had that feeling in a long time; just sucks that he's hot cos that means i'm invisible lmao.  I fall too hard for people I know always a bad way to go especially since I have nothing to offer.  I hate that I like him cos there is no way outside of ringing him up (which I hardly ever do) we don't talk I slightly stalked him just to find out his name and such and then found him on fbk. Realised he's way too young for me but at least he's awesome eye candy.
The last guy that gave me butterflies was a complete douche.  And well today Jay was sort of a jerk to me :'(    So usually when he comes to the checkstand he always has headphones in so after many attempts to say hi where he didn't hear me, I just wave at him, usually he'll take a bud out and say hi and converse with me.  Today I was the one with the headphones in so i still just waved but he didn't wave back.  It made me kinda sad.  Then when I went to put my things away he walked by me so i waved and mouthed goodbye and he just did a short nod didn't even say anything.
Now i know i'm overreacting cos if I remember correctly today is his Monday so i think he's always crabby; but i've had a horrible week was wanting to see him all week just cos he makes me smile.  And I walked out of work today just bummed.  I didn't finish my tags since i got screwed over yesterday and am praying tomorrow i can get my shit together and finish everything.  I'm soooo fucking sick of being screwed over whether its with tags or cashiering like what did I do that put me on the shitlist?  And i'm bummed cos i know tomorrow is gonna be another shit day and will probably have to work off the clock which i hate to do but i don't want to leave anything for laura on monday.  

Anyways I've been dealing with so much lately that I feel despondant with everything like nothing i do is good enough and i just want to fade away.  I've tried the last many months to still go to trailside and still pretend i fit in there, but its so massively apparent that I don't.  I mean I have 'friends' if you will but i'm not particularly close to any of them I talk to none of them outside of the bar.  But i feel its my only way to ever see my sister which makes it that much more depressing.   Then I know i gave up on music i chose to whether in my hands or not but still miss it more that i care to admit.  And the fact that I've said in the company of those friends that I miss it and nothing comes of it reminds me of why I walked away.  I think the one that pisses me off the most is my sister; since may she's been going off about wanting a project since IAAM went on hiatus. I kept being like hello I want a project too.. And i think the worse part is every time I'd throw my name in the hat to start a project she'd stutter and be like well i don't know we'll see.   Now amazingly enough all of IAAM is now back in state and wanting to restart everything and now she posts on fbk about a music project coming up.  I'm actually very hurt because she never comes out and says she doesn't want to do a project with me, she just dances around the topic.  And if I call her out on it then i'm being an asshole and trying to start a fight.  

So as it stands I sit there hanging out at the local bar and craving for a chance to be on stage again and even my sister doesn't want to work with me, which makes me even more self conscious and petty.  I have nothing left to live for.  I don't know what is wrong with me but i'm NOT ok.  My anxiety and depression are through the roof, i'm either sleeping too much or not enough and i have no energy to be human.  I don't go out drinking to meet people I rarely even go to karaoke anymore; and even though i crave interaction its not the kind i need.  

Then there is a part of me that is a huge jerk cos i'm really pissed off that my sister had a boyfriend and now they're married and I don't have my sister at all. At least when they were dating she still lived here but in may they moved out together and then in july they were married and there was a whole bunch of drama with that as well that honestly i'm still not fully ok with.  But now fast fwd to next month when they're doing a thing for the wedding and shit.  I'm actually going out of my comfort zone to transform myself girly just so i don't embarrass her like cos i know with how i have to dress she's embarrassed to be around me.  I'm embarrassed to be around me too.  But i almost feel like i'm trying too hard just so I can get a compliment like i clean up well or something bwahaha.

Deep down I wish that Jay would come to the bar and see me prettyfied cos that's the only way he'd even see me as human.  Everyone at work thinks i'm so nice and sweet and then they find out that I'm actually the biggest asshole you'll ever meet.  Yes I throw tantrums and I pull rank all the time because i've done my time with all the shit jobs and god with the sleep issues going on i'm not sleeping well and its making me into this monotone robot.  For all the times i say that i don't feel normal now its a reality.

Urgh now i'm feeling groggy and want to sleep my day away i really need energy so i can do laundry and get a shower and I just don't want to... So with that I've got to log off and revel in my darkness and pray for some light to find me.

3 years later

Ironic... That is the word that reverberates inside my head as I sit here to revel in my woes, because I still have no one I can tell my thoughts to.  How many times does it take of dealing with people and feeling dead before one realises that they're not meant to be around people.  I try to be smiley and happy so people believe that I'm normal. Oh hell if people knew my alienation, how no matter if i'm in a sea of people or just a little throng of friends that I still feel like an outcast.  I'm still the person who has to message my so called friends to arrange a hang out; they don't bother texting me asking my days off or if we can hang out.   So then i stop texting them and low and behold I feel guilty for doing so, like I'm the asshole because I gave up once again.  Then i get regretful and re-message them trying to patch up what doesn't exist.
   Just once, I want someone to care.  I don't need rockstar treatment but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt to be ignored.  For example, last night; I decided to be Panda's ride to Trailside since my sister had to work.  It was hip-hop night (or supposed to be) only 1 out of 5 artists showed up so we got an impromptu karaoke night.  And I felt sooo old and out of place. cos lets be serious for a moment I do love getting the attention about my voice, I just don't take compliments well.  And so it was a complete buzzkill to have a better singer than me there and hearing everyone give her praise.  I'm not hating on her she is a sweet girl and yes an amazing singer and dancer.  Any time she would sing everyone would run in from outside to listen to her, the only time they did that for me was on my first song which of course was Evanescence and I do rock it, but after that nobody listened to me. That was really the only praise I got all night was the bartender saying great job.
   I wanted to cry by the end of the night and almost did a couple of times, among people who are essentially my friends i felt so alone; I tried to go hang out with Panda a couple of times cos he seemed upset but I could tell he didn't want me near him so i went and sat by myself pretending to have fun.  I am my worst critic and was so disappointed on everything else i sang and felt worse when no one was listening.  Cos honestly who wants to watch and listen to the ugly fat girl when you've got a skinny pretty girl who sounds better.
I get competitive when it comes to singing cos I've worked my entire life to have an amazing voice and getting sick in December and practically coughing up my lungs for 3 weeks damaged what I had left of my voice. Without my voice I am nothing, I have no specialty otherwise.
  Then the night before i helped at Pit Stop and everyone kept ditching me at the door by myself all night, it sucks cos I don't really smoke anymore i bummed a few smokes off of Panda but otherwise both nights were so boring and just kept reminding me that I don't belong there.  But i go every week because the only other interaction i get with people is at my work and i've been so frustrated that I've been a real cunt there as well.  I've lost all interest of being online and have been spending all my free time reading. But again its a stark reminder that books always have romance and situations and experiences i will never have.
  It reminds me that the only person who ever kinda hits on me is porkchop and I think because he didn't snag Jenna and we're twins he thinks i'm a good settlement, I'm not.  I will never be as good as Jenna, I will never be acceptable like her.  People use her because she is there like PK, or AH like a conquest. Panda is the only one who treats her right; but he is bad at normal interactions as well always saying he'll be in trouble if he talks to another girl or that he'll get his ass kicked for a girl trying to flirt with him, its a bit silly.  No one seems to get that we aren't normal.
  it's funny in that aspect it's great to not be normal cos i'm sick of all these guys bitchin about what they have to do for their fucking cunts, what they have to give up and be slaves to the vagina.. like what's the point if you can't be a human being, if you want something you can program buy a fucking robot.
  I wish i could figure out why i'm so hateful, why nothing motivates me, and my dreams are dead.  At 34 yrs old I'll never be a musician, i'll never get to travel around the world and even if i did all my fbk friends and i no longer talk; i've essentially become a hermit and would rather hide in my room and sleep or read a book than get on fbk and pretend to want to be there. Same with the music scene I've lost all sense of belonging; i'm not interesting enough to hold a conversation with and am just an awkward reminder of why i don't go out.
I feel like i just need to step away from the scene because i'm already a newb there, everyone is already friends and family and there are only a small few who hold that place in my heart but I still don't feel connected to them not really.
   What am I supposed to do with my life? Why can't i cheer up and find some way to fix everything why the resignation, i've given up on the possibility of being a musician, i've given up the possibility of having a boyfriend,a house, a family.  I've come to be comfortable in my darkness but so lonely in it as well.  I'm such a mess and I have nowhere to turn.  I lost all my friends, I lost my sister, I can't talk to my family or co-workers.  I am now and forever just with me. I am truly alone.