Oh How The Tides Rise

So yesterday even tho I was feeling blah at work I did a really awesome thing, this poor girl was upset cos her apple pay wouldn't work and she had forgotten her wallet. X tried to help with it but it just wouldn't work; So I turned around and paid for her groceries.  Not a big deal but she gave me a hug and was practically in tears.  Even X was like shocked I did it but hey why not lol.
So generally I walk into work today with my chest puffed out a little I got a compliment from X and D when they came to work cos that girl gave me a 10 shop.  That was the highlight of my day it went shit from there.  Today was super slow and extremely boring.  And then Jay came in and I perked up a little only to be practically kicked in the teeth and highly embarrassed...

So I over react to everything any kind of niceity and I think I've won an edge with someone.... So the other day Jay came in and bought cheetos i'm skipping the banter between him, J and W but anyways he offered them some cheetos both guys said no.  So he was in really good mood and turned to me and asked if I wanted some cheetos I of course said yes lol.  So he said to the guys 'see someone cares!!'  Which i just blushed hell i'm a fat girl and I like cheeotos.  But I think a part of me felt excited that he said I cared......

  Fast fwd to today So apparently I assumed because of that interaction that maybe that would make Jay more friendly to me, yeaaaaahhh not so much.  When I was on lunch he came upstairs and I said hey in an overly friendly tone and he practicalled grunted something that was supposed to pass as a hey or something.  So I was upset cos I really do try to say hi to him; and no not just cos I like him but he always looks really down and anti-social and I wanted to offer a niceness to bring a smile to his face.  The past month that hasn't worked it did at first when he would come up so I'd say hi when he was checking out. Now he either avoids the checkstands like the plague or doesn't acknowledge me whatsoever.
Well after that break room whatever it was I thought he had left, which I was bummed but glad and then I saw he was still there.  Well then I saw him talking to this other guy and X and he seemed normal and complacent like.
I mean yes I know I stare at him a lot he's hot I can't really help myself, and its not like anything will ever happen cos I'm well ... me.
 Anyways X called a huddle to floral so I glanced over there and then was pacing the front end.  Jay came walking by and like a moron i turned my gaze to him and watched him go, well when he was rounding the corner he caught me looking at him.  And well the look he gave me was slight disgusted slight annoyance; it completely shattered me. I'm usually careful when I like someone not to stare but obviously I freak him out so I must've been too nice to him.
  After the cheeto incident I assumed it made us pals but no that boy is more bi-polar than I am.  And that's saying a lot.

So now as I'm completely embarrassed and feeling highly inadequate I have to curse my heart and my emotions for always falling too hard for people like I do.  I should kno that i'm forever in the pal/buddy zone.  I don't get hit on unless the guy is drunk or desperate and gee doesn't that make a girl feel special.  

It's like hey I know I'm a freak ok, I've been told I was one for as long as I can remember, and it never ceases ya know.  I'm not pretty, skinny, wantable I get it. Please stop reminding me. I mean fuck I was appalled when PC was trying to flirt with me cos he liked my sister and help assuming that because I was alone and he was desperate that he would be willing to deal with my Asexuality.  The guy is a man whore there was no way he'd be able to just 'ignore' that.  Needless to say i politely declined just as I decline my friends who are dating and they're not happy but keep trying to throw in a good word for their friend whom I have NO interest in ever meeting.

I lie all the time and say that I deal with being alone because it's better in the long run, less drama.  But I've turned into a vicious person and the truth is I push people away and no I don't trust anyone but i fucking hate being a lone.  But i will forever and pathetically revel in the amazement of the single life...