Why Can't I Be a Girl

FML!! I don't really know what else to say about everything.  I'm so super depressed and nothing really seems to help to alleviate that hurt.  I kno I'm not pretty and skinny or anywhere near attractive but to sit there and be a douche to me because of all of my short comings I don't really know how to respond to that.  So with JM I thought maybe he was just having a rough month or so but after today I'm 100% sure i'm the only one in my store that he has a problem with and I don't kno why.  Like I wish I could be powerful and walk up to him and ask him what his fucking problem is.  It's like should I apologise for being nice and trying to be friendly?  NO? Then why the fuck do you shoot the shit with my co-workers?  Oh because they're guys, there's no way that they'll stare at you and hit on you is that it???
     And then I have to wait until next yr to do my full sleep study so for a month I have to sleep with oxygen and night 1 was awful, my nose and throat were so dry that I woke up and couldn't breathe; i felt like i was suffocating or having an asthma attack.  And just getting to work I had to use my inhaler because it set my asthma off more.  
   I'm so sick of being fucking fat and not having the energy to fix it.  I don't want to hit 400+ lbs like DW at work he's so useless he should claim disability and not waste our time.  I'm 300 and worthless as well maybe I should just institutionalize myself.  I'm fucking insane and have no one to help combat the crazy.  I'm losing it and starting to talk to myself again cos I don't have anyone who wants to listen to my problems.  I know my sister doesn't want to hear about gaming or work so anytime she asks how i'm doing i just say fine even tho that's the furthest from where I'm actually at.
       She's too busy being career mom and doting wife while I lost my sister and my best friend.  She doesn't want to hear about my day because it consists of work and that drama but that's my day.  I told her about JM and how he's been treating me and she just shrugs.  Even everyone at work just shrugs at me cos they all have partners and don't care that my attraction to him is like middle schoolish.  No i don't want to fuck him.. why?  cos i'm broken and could never commit to that much.  And he is definitely not attracted to me so no chance of that ever happening.
   I'm so jealous and sick of all these people hooking up, dating or getting married and having kids.  I've always told myself I didn't want these things but I'd be super lying if I didn't tell the truth that I want someone to want to hold me and be happy to see me.  And I know for certain that I will Never have that.  I'm 35 i'm not getting any younger and so possibly that internal clock is ticking but I just laugh maniacally at it cos it's never getting fullfilled.  The higher powers that are can take me now. I don't want this anymore.  I've failed as a human being so I should be banished to nowhere all by myself.   I pray for death today, tomorrow and every day after that. I just can't do this anymore... Why do I have to be a pansy?! Why can't i be like my sister and able to cause myself pain. I beg for an ending cos I can feel the hope i've held onto just slipping.
     How can an emotionally devoid person even try to hold onto something they'll never be able to grasp or understand.  Please someone hear me.

I fucking forgot why I wanted to post this damnit!!!  So today Jay came into the store and like i've done the past 2 weeks didn't look at him. But what pisses me off the most is ever since the cheeto incident he now shoots the shit with J and W!! So its just me that he doesn't like; I'm the one being ignored like the plague!  What the fuck did I do to deserve that shit?  And then I realised something essential.  Had J and W not roused him about the checkstand situation he would've never offered me a cheeto, he only did that because they were there.  So Even tho I thought he didn't like me cos I checked him out, it goes back further than that and I'm not sure what I did besides being a DUFF???  Seriously that just makes him look like the biggest/shallowest asshole on the planet.  :'(   Like seriously??
  I was so sure he stopped talking to me cos he was going through shit and in reals he must've realised i was crushing on him and was disgusted so stopped all contact with me.  LIke I know I'm not date material not even hook up material but fuck I would've rather been friends but yeah that will never happen. So here I sit not sure why anybody gives me and kind of credit as a human being.  Yeah fuck that.