A year and some change

Wow, I haven't felt the need to come on and blog for quite a long time or felt it but was too lazy to do it. And of course so much has happened since my last post haha.

So it's been a wild ride for the most part but still the life of a depressed and cynical me.  I can't remember things from last year except that I was fully able to let JF go, I only saw him a bit after that day with Wolfe but they changed the sugar tax in good ole boulder so they changed vendors for the sodas and stuff, and the guy that took over for JF is still there but there are pretty much all new vendors otherwise (yay me!! no seriously i'm happy about it)
  I still think about him often but more like how would he react to seeing me, but not about me being attracted. Cos he is hot but no longer the object of my infatuation.
Once I started getting over him and realising he wasn't really a nice person, it opened my eyes to see this cute guy in the meat department.  And yes I guess I was blind to him like i am most of the time when I'm obsessed with someone else.
This guy is a loner and very Ed Sheeran, like he's cute but not overly noticeable but it's not a flaw in my eyes.  I didn't fully realise him until one day Micah and Abby were swooning on him when he came through SCO, and they were commenting on how good he smelt which yes his cologne or body spray smells good damn him.
   But it actually made me look at him and instantly there were butterflies and of course I was over.  Stealing glances and stuff but nothing too big.

Now many months later, I still can't remember my whole reason for leaving but I transferred to a different store for 7 months, but on my last day in boulder I was giving everyone my fake story about moving as my reason for transferring but in all honesty i think i was being childish instead of manning up to whatever was the real issue.  Anyway I so desperately wanted to say goodbye to Ed so that he knew I liked him; cos as you know my brain plays out all sorts of scenarios that will never happen.  So I panicked and I ran after him as he was leaving and gave him a hug.  It was so embarrassing but at least tho very awkward he hugged me back.
    Now fast fwd to now the last 7 months were hell at the other store it was definitely stupid af for me to leave boulder, but after some bullshit went down that I don't really want to explain (it would take too long)  I ended up fighting to transfer back to boulder.  I've been back for a month and feel like things have advanced but not really with Ed.  So i'm slightly stalkerish and always check his schedule and have fbk stalked him a cpl times (he doesn't use it) which is a very good thing (whew)  But on my first day back at the store I clocked in early to help face which i hate doing btw, but it was close to 8am when I was supposed to check; but i ran upstairs and went to the bathroom.  When I came downstairs he was right there and gave me this surprised smile and said hello, he looked generally happy to see me; it made my heart flutter out of control and now I'm ridiculous lol.
   The thing that updated was that he most of the time will say hello to me which is wonderful cos I don't think we talked much at all before. the other thing is I embarrass myself more in front of him which is SOOO not ok, i'm such a lost cause, and from stalking his page, i realise why he's so closed off and so I just can't bring myself to let down my guard and actually admit to him I like him. So of course my daydreamer mind wishes with all the scenarios that would bring us together, and have him be accepting of my asexuality but I know for a fact no guy would ever be ok with it.  One scenario is that he too is asexual but I can only dream on that one.

  But i did learn a valuable lesson really, I'm excited to be back in boulder it's like coming home, I still think some of the issues are ridiculous but more manageable since i've been introduced to worse stores.  Like my tag boss went on vacation last week and it wasn't stressful at all really, like some of the days I was busy but I knew by the end of the week I'd be able to get everything done and it was refreshing.

I'm still in Counselor with Jayce and we're slowly not really progressing with our 3rd cd, and we started working with Dave on FTD but i don't really see that taking off as much.  I feel bad that Jayce is such a big dreamer and has these neat ideas but they're always so flippant and just never pan out, and there is nothing bad about dreaming and wanting a different life God knows I wish I had a diff one. But at our age and shit there has to be some realistic undertone where you don't spend your whole time daydreaming the what ifs and ignoring that someone right in front of you still wants to be making music.  I get so frustrated sometimes cos the first 2 albums came very easily for the most part and then he just quit trying there for a long while and I understand that life is screwing him over relentlessly, but I need this project I want to write.

I know deep down I don't always give it my all, as I still fantasize about having my dream project but I know it will never happen so I do the best I can to write my style with my lyrics but i realise all my stuff sounds slightly repetitive. still trying to work on that for sure.