Why Can't I Be a Girl

FML!! I don't really know what else to say about everything.  I'm so super depressed and nothing really seems to help to alleviate that hurt.  I kno I'm not pretty and skinny or anywhere near attractive but to sit there and be a douche to me because of all of my short comings I don't really know how to respond to that.  So with JM I thought maybe he was just having a rough month or so but after today I'm 100% sure i'm the only one in my store that he has a problem with and I don't kno why.  Like I wish I could be powerful and walk up to him and ask him what his fucking problem is.  It's like should I apologise for being nice and trying to be friendly?  NO? Then why the fuck do you shoot the shit with my co-workers?  Oh because they're guys, there's no way that they'll stare at you and hit on you is that it???
     And then I have to wait until next yr to do my full sleep study so for a month I have to sleep with oxygen and night 1 was awful, my nose and throat were so dry that I woke up and couldn't breathe; i felt like i was suffocating or having an asthma attack.  And just getting to work I had to use my inhaler because it set my asthma off more.  
   I'm so sick of being fucking fat and not having the energy to fix it.  I don't want to hit 400+ lbs like DW at work he's so useless he should claim disability and not waste our time.  I'm 300 and worthless as well maybe I should just institutionalize myself.  I'm fucking insane and have no one to help combat the crazy.  I'm losing it and starting to talk to myself again cos I don't have anyone who wants to listen to my problems.  I know my sister doesn't want to hear about gaming or work so anytime she asks how i'm doing i just say fine even tho that's the furthest from where I'm actually at.
       She's too busy being career mom and doting wife while I lost my sister and my best friend.  She doesn't want to hear about my day because it consists of work and that drama but that's my day.  I told her about JM and how he's been treating me and she just shrugs.  Even everyone at work just shrugs at me cos they all have partners and don't care that my attraction to him is like middle schoolish.  No i don't want to fuck him.. why?  cos i'm broken and could never commit to that much.  And he is definitely not attracted to me so no chance of that ever happening.
   I'm so jealous and sick of all these people hooking up, dating or getting married and having kids.  I've always told myself I didn't want these things but I'd be super lying if I didn't tell the truth that I want someone to want to hold me and be happy to see me.  And I know for certain that I will Never have that.  I'm 35 i'm not getting any younger and so possibly that internal clock is ticking but I just laugh maniacally at it cos it's never getting fullfilled.  The higher powers that are can take me now. I don't want this anymore.  I've failed as a human being so I should be banished to nowhere all by myself.   I pray for death today, tomorrow and every day after that. I just can't do this anymore... Why do I have to be a pansy?! Why can't i be like my sister and able to cause myself pain. I beg for an ending cos I can feel the hope i've held onto just slipping.
     How can an emotionally devoid person even try to hold onto something they'll never be able to grasp or understand.  Please someone hear me.

I fucking forgot why I wanted to post this damnit!!!  So today Jay came into the store and like i've done the past 2 weeks didn't look at him. But what pisses me off the most is ever since the cheeto incident he now shoots the shit with J and W!! So its just me that he doesn't like; I'm the one being ignored like the plague!  What the fuck did I do to deserve that shit?  And then I realised something essential.  Had J and W not roused him about the checkstand situation he would've never offered me a cheeto, he only did that because they were there.  So Even tho I thought he didn't like me cos I checked him out, it goes back further than that and I'm not sure what I did besides being a DUFF???  Seriously that just makes him look like the biggest/shallowest asshole on the planet.  :'(   Like seriously??
  I was so sure he stopped talking to me cos he was going through shit and in reals he must've realised i was crushing on him and was disgusted so stopped all contact with me.  LIke I know I'm not date material not even hook up material but fuck I would've rather been friends but yeah that will never happen. So here I sit not sure why anybody gives me and kind of credit as a human being.  Yeah fuck that.

Oh How The Tides Rise

So yesterday even tho I was feeling blah at work I did a really awesome thing, this poor girl was upset cos her apple pay wouldn't work and she had forgotten her wallet. X tried to help with it but it just wouldn't work; So I turned around and paid for her groceries.  Not a big deal but she gave me a hug and was practically in tears.  Even X was like shocked I did it but hey why not lol.
So generally I walk into work today with my chest puffed out a little I got a compliment from X and D when they came to work cos that girl gave me a 10 shop.  That was the highlight of my day it went shit from there.  Today was super slow and extremely boring.  And then Jay came in and I perked up a little only to be practically kicked in the teeth and highly embarrassed...

So I over react to everything any kind of niceity and I think I've won an edge with someone.... So the other day Jay came in and bought cheetos i'm skipping the banter between him, J and W but anyways he offered them some cheetos both guys said no.  So he was in really good mood and turned to me and asked if I wanted some cheetos I of course said yes lol.  So he said to the guys 'see someone cares!!'  Which i just blushed hell i'm a fat girl and I like cheeotos.  But I think a part of me felt excited that he said I cared......

  Fast fwd to today So apparently I assumed because of that interaction that maybe that would make Jay more friendly to me, yeaaaaahhh not so much.  When I was on lunch he came upstairs and I said hey in an overly friendly tone and he practicalled grunted something that was supposed to pass as a hey or something.  So I was upset cos I really do try to say hi to him; and no not just cos I like him but he always looks really down and anti-social and I wanted to offer a niceness to bring a smile to his face.  The past month that hasn't worked it did at first when he would come up so I'd say hi when he was checking out. Now he either avoids the checkstands like the plague or doesn't acknowledge me whatsoever.
Well after that break room whatever it was I thought he had left, which I was bummed but glad and then I saw he was still there.  Well then I saw him talking to this other guy and X and he seemed normal and complacent like.
I mean yes I know I stare at him a lot he's hot I can't really help myself, and its not like anything will ever happen cos I'm well ... me.
 Anyways X called a huddle to floral so I glanced over there and then was pacing the front end.  Jay came walking by and like a moron i turned my gaze to him and watched him go, well when he was rounding the corner he caught me looking at him.  And well the look he gave me was slight disgusted slight annoyance; it completely shattered me. I'm usually careful when I like someone not to stare but obviously I freak him out so I must've been too nice to him.
  After the cheeto incident I assumed it made us pals but no that boy is more bi-polar than I am.  And that's saying a lot.

So now as I'm completely embarrassed and feeling highly inadequate I have to curse my heart and my emotions for always falling too hard for people like I do.  I should kno that i'm forever in the pal/buddy zone.  I don't get hit on unless the guy is drunk or desperate and gee doesn't that make a girl feel special.  

It's like hey I know I'm a freak ok, I've been told I was one for as long as I can remember, and it never ceases ya know.  I'm not pretty, skinny, wantable I get it. Please stop reminding me. I mean fuck I was appalled when PC was trying to flirt with me cos he liked my sister and help assuming that because I was alone and he was desperate that he would be willing to deal with my Asexuality.  The guy is a man whore there was no way he'd be able to just 'ignore' that.  Needless to say i politely declined just as I decline my friends who are dating and they're not happy but keep trying to throw in a good word for their friend whom I have NO interest in ever meeting.

I lie all the time and say that I deal with being alone because it's better in the long run, less drama.  But I've turned into a vicious person and the truth is I push people away and no I don't trust anyone but i fucking hate being a lone.  But i will forever and pathetically revel in the amazement of the single life...