A bad week I need to vent lmao

Soooo I like a guy we'll call him Jay, I know absolutely nothing about him but he makes me have butterflies.  I've not had that feeling in a long time; just sucks that he's hot cos that means i'm invisible lmao.  I fall too hard for people I know always a bad way to go especially since I have nothing to offer.  I hate that I like him cos there is no way outside of ringing him up (which I hardly ever do) we don't talk I slightly stalked him just to find out his name and such and then found him on fbk. Realised he's way too young for me but at least he's awesome eye candy.
The last guy that gave me butterflies was a complete douche.  And well today Jay was sort of a jerk to me :'(    So usually when he comes to the checkstand he always has headphones in so after many attempts to say hi where he didn't hear me, I just wave at him, usually he'll take a bud out and say hi and converse with me.  Today I was the one with the headphones in so i still just waved but he didn't wave back.  It made me kinda sad.  Then when I went to put my things away he walked by me so i waved and mouthed goodbye and he just did a short nod didn't even say anything.
Now i know i'm overreacting cos if I remember correctly today is his Monday so i think he's always crabby; but i've had a horrible week was wanting to see him all week just cos he makes me smile.  And I walked out of work today just bummed.  I didn't finish my tags since i got screwed over yesterday and am praying tomorrow i can get my shit together and finish everything.  I'm soooo fucking sick of being screwed over whether its with tags or cashiering like what did I do that put me on the shitlist?  And i'm bummed cos i know tomorrow is gonna be another shit day and will probably have to work off the clock which i hate to do but i don't want to leave anything for laura on monday.  

Anyways I've been dealing with so much lately that I feel despondant with everything like nothing i do is good enough and i just want to fade away.  I've tried the last many months to still go to trailside and still pretend i fit in there, but its so massively apparent that I don't.  I mean I have 'friends' if you will but i'm not particularly close to any of them I talk to none of them outside of the bar.  But i feel its my only way to ever see my sister which makes it that much more depressing.   Then I know i gave up on music i chose to whether in my hands or not but still miss it more that i care to admit.  And the fact that I've said in the company of those friends that I miss it and nothing comes of it reminds me of why I walked away.  I think the one that pisses me off the most is my sister; since may she's been going off about wanting a project since IAAM went on hiatus. I kept being like hello I want a project too.. And i think the worse part is every time I'd throw my name in the hat to start a project she'd stutter and be like well i don't know we'll see.   Now amazingly enough all of IAAM is now back in state and wanting to restart everything and now she posts on fbk about a music project coming up.  I'm actually very hurt because she never comes out and says she doesn't want to do a project with me, she just dances around the topic.  And if I call her out on it then i'm being an asshole and trying to start a fight.  

So as it stands I sit there hanging out at the local bar and craving for a chance to be on stage again and even my sister doesn't want to work with me, which makes me even more self conscious and petty.  I have nothing left to live for.  I don't know what is wrong with me but i'm NOT ok.  My anxiety and depression are through the roof, i'm either sleeping too much or not enough and i have no energy to be human.  I don't go out drinking to meet people I rarely even go to karaoke anymore; and even though i crave interaction its not the kind i need.  

Then there is a part of me that is a huge jerk cos i'm really pissed off that my sister had a boyfriend and now they're married and I don't have my sister at all. At least when they were dating she still lived here but in may they moved out together and then in july they were married and there was a whole bunch of drama with that as well that honestly i'm still not fully ok with.  But now fast fwd to next month when they're doing a thing for the wedding and shit.  I'm actually going out of my comfort zone to transform myself girly just so i don't embarrass her like cos i know with how i have to dress she's embarrassed to be around me.  I'm embarrassed to be around me too.  But i almost feel like i'm trying too hard just so I can get a compliment like i clean up well or something bwahaha.

Deep down I wish that Jay would come to the bar and see me prettyfied cos that's the only way he'd even see me as human.  Everyone at work thinks i'm so nice and sweet and then they find out that I'm actually the biggest asshole you'll ever meet.  Yes I throw tantrums and I pull rank all the time because i've done my time with all the shit jobs and god with the sleep issues going on i'm not sleeping well and its making me into this monotone robot.  For all the times i say that i don't feel normal now its a reality.

Urgh now i'm feeling groggy and want to sleep my day away i really need energy so i can do laundry and get a shower and I just don't want to... So with that I've got to log off and revel in my darkness and pray for some light to find me.