Well Here we are in my house I call a prison, just had a counseling appointment with Stephane and still feel empty and pathetic. So Matt and Jenn gave me an ultimatum that by years end if I don't figure out how to be a better roommate that they will be kicking me out of the house. At first I was pissed cos this was my house. But now that the deed is split into 4 its 3 against 1. Hell even before that it was always 2 against 1. But my share was bigger.
Now I'm just a burden and a failure and still have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing to keep myself here, so the reality is I either go live with my mom in sticksville or become homeless. Work is just atrocious and not ever going to get better; even if kings takes over it will just be added shit and no worthless union to back us. (they dont do much now even tho we pay them ha!)
I honestly just wish I could die or set the house on fire with just me inside. I would never harm the puppos. Altho poor Capone is fighting a losing battle and it absolutely breaks my heart. And makes me so angry cos we saved him from being euthanised because of his shitty family and now we are going to lose him to cancer, like all the other animals who have died here.
I still fucking miss my dad every day and I know some days I get mad at him for leaving, according to him he would've passed anyway so doesn't even matter about the how. I still pray every day to not wake up but as Matt put it, if I died down here how would they lift me out, the ugly ass elephant I am.
I hate Mark for getting me into BL's because its fun getting to watch all the hot guys and their dramas but like it's also just as deceiving as the books I read. I will never have a life like that; I'm never gonna have someone run into me and fall in love with me. There is no reality in love at first sight or any sight. I think I'm just jealous cos Jenn found someone who loves her as is and it makes me angry cos I've never had anyone care for me like that ever.
I honestly wish I could've been like Steve and just peaced out of the shitshow, like why am I a pansy ass bitch who can't cut my wrists or take all the pills and just die. Like why am I such a loser gahhhhh
Anyways I have a few months to start getting everything out of the house and then just fade away, like I'm not built for PA or homelessness how am I going to make it work. In Oct I'll start cancelling all my streaming services and then I have Nov and Dec to pack up my needed belongings a.k.a my clothes and just be gone. I won't have a choice my life is literally fucked up and as this hits it will ruin my credit so I won't be able to even rent an apartment or a house. So maybe homelessness will be what happens. Not like anyone will truly care at that point tho.
signing out
