a yr to remember

oh wow this year has been pretty epic i have to say there were a lot of ups and downs but i think the end of it makes me excited to see what next yr brings!!!

So on a sad note it has been a year since my kitty passed away from cancer but i know he isnt hurting anymore and i am trying to fully accept that but he will be missed.

Also after my show last night i'm on a good positive high right now and thats why this post isnt all gloom and doom lol. I got to see my guy last night and sadly i got crunk but he just laughs like he is highly amused, lets hope that is the case lol. Im really hoping we will get together eventually but like i said i'm trying to take this slow i dont want to be all aggro and scare the guy off altho i'm pretty sure i wont do that :) I like the fact that he supports what i do and is such a sweetheart about it. I mean i was trashed and asked him to watch my sandwich while i ran outside to say goodbye to my lil sister that is dedication. I was embarrassed by asking him that later when i gained some common sense but it was a sweet gesture cos, when i came back inside i stood next to him and he was all like so you had me watch your sandwich and you're not gonna eat it.. i told him i had forgotten about it he said it was ok he was just teasing. but it was so cute atleast i thought so...
I think this new year awaits a whole new prospective, i'm gonna try to lose weight again and quit smoking for good and hopefully gain a sweet boyfriend but like i said no rushing. I want to do everything i can to empower my life instead of dwell on negative stuff.. i'm thankful for my family and all my wonderful friends and as long as i remember that i think that my life can only improve. well i guess i should get my chores started i have a lot to clean up after the holidays lol.
well goodbye for now!!

i'd like a little emo pie

Hello welcome to the i am emo writing network, following this brief introduction i will commence to being emo.. thank you!!!
So i've been sitting in the emo seat for a week now i think its not helping that i'm sick and all i do is sleep and sit her analyzing every little thing. I hate being this insecure about everything but recently i've fallen for another guy we shall call him ronan... I know he cares about me but lil ole me keeps reading everything wrong. I guess in the hopes that i dont fuck this one up. Cos i do care about him but i swear i'm a crush whore, that's all i do is crush on so many guys to be let down by them all. the sad refutable fact that i can name every crush i've had since 1rst grade doesnt help either. And to remember how none of them liked me back scares the crap outta me... cos for once one likes me back but he is terrified by me i can tell, i'm too over bearing and i don't know how too back off.
I swear to the gods that i'm trying to be patient on this once but sadly patience is probably my worst virtue i am a Gemini after all. I don't understand how to change my ways, and believe that i am worthy of the life i've been given. How do i make myself believe what people tell of me? I don't feel pretty, or talented. I don't feel like i deserve to be courted by this wonderous man because he is unlike anyone i have ever met.
I say that old fashioned wise because thats how i feel, this relationship is cos i can feel that he wants to make the manly moves and be the one to win me, but little does he know he has. I am trying to take this crush slow because i fall too easily and i risk being hurt even this time. Pessimistic at heart right but hear me on this, i've never had a guy win my heart and not break it, every single guy i've liked up to now has stolen my heart and then stomped it into tiny little pieces.
I want to be someone who its worthy and not psychotic altho i fear i'm too late on that last one.. why must i dwell in the contemplation that i've already fucked up, he doesn't call me or txt me like he cant bring himself to get to kno me not even a little, not at all. i wish i could remember the poem Kat wrote in 10 things i hate about you it was a classic and should be entered here.

I'm a giant ass ball of Jealous because those whom ive crushed on in the past some have no idea while others merely never cared, and the fact that some of the more recent failures still held a candle in my heart, maybe me hoping they would see me but to no avail none of them have. I don't understand why i cant have the confirmation that ronan likes me, i mean i see his emotions on his face for some part but he cant bring himself to say it outloud.. i think i would be more patient to wait if i knew all my efforts weren't in vain. Sadly we even have a cheering section, altho for most of my crushes my friends try to be by my side even when i pick the assholes.

And i'm negative lately cos i'm minus one friend and I'll miss her greatly i still wish her the best of luck where she is headed!!! Damn straight she'll do great there east coast bound but still i will miss her, she is great she is so much like me in so many ways and because of that i believe no distance will ruin that friendship, im just sad that because of my schedule i hadn't gotten the chance to chill as much as i would've liked to.

Idk what else to do i keep thinking my other friends are changing and running away from me with a white flag but sadly i think i'm the one who has changed. I'd rather play hermit lately and dont want to do much, thanx work for that as well.. But even going to all the shows has just dulled for me, i think because i want to be playing these shows not on the sidelines all the time, but yeh patience once again. Oh well i'm done bitching today time to go play wizard 101 i am liking this game a lot, and all the books i've been reading are all relationship based so i'd like to hork.

Im kinda freaking out

So I don't know what is going with me lately.. I have been having a controversy with myself right now. So on a regular basis i fall flat on my face when it comes to guys and i scare them away cos i'm too brazen or something. But I finally found 1 guy who isnt the usual jerk that i tend to fall for, and I feel like a failure. I'm always worried that once he really gets to know me that he will go running the other way like every other guy, but I know he is different. He is totally like me and we have way too much in common but i'm still terrified.

I know i'm almost 30 and most people say that is still young but being a damn girl, I've been thinking about what it would like to have real love and fins someone you could spend your whole life with.. and I'm terrfied because I don't want to be thinking of settling down, I don't want to think about relationships and I don't want to end up sleeping with a random person who would screw me over the first chance they'd get. Why do I have to over- analyze every situation.

I want to be with this guy a lot and everyone is trying to pressure me into be more brazen *ironic right* because for once i chose to not be normal. Deep down I guess I am old fashioned Id rather have a guy court me and be the one who is excertive. I don't mind paying my own way seriously, but I love it when a guy is polite and sweet. Most guys are jerks and treat you like a one night gig if you will.. And I am not a hoe or a slut and for once someone isn't treating me like i'm a groupie.

I'm really worried because he is so shy and we flirt and obviously like each other but I dont want to mess this up. I was so excited he came to my show and was really kick ass, and asked me out for coffee and I was gushing all night. He makes me want to be girly and he makes me smile a lot. I went to bed with a smile and woke up with one too... I know this is corny but he is the light in my dark and that worries me. He inspires me to be happy and not dwell in my depression.

Ive never had a guy who seemed to worry about my well being or that he would let me down.. I'm so lost because its definitely good but I don't know how to act I don't know how to handle it. He likes me the way I am, I know that but seriously Im worried that once he knows about my past and my dark side, that I'll scare him away.

Once again over thinking and freaking myself out.. is there ever a happy medium.. I dont know what to do because Ive never been in this good of a situation... I never thought that I would be handed someone for me, even tho I know I'm overreacting because he isnt mine but hes the closest ive ever gotten to someone understanding me.
He makes me completely idiotic and I just gawk at him because he is perfect.
If I don't end there I will completely keep repeating how awesome this guy is, and still wondering what I am doing lol..

There is hope here!

Wow I'm in a really good mood today despite being tired. No i havent solved any of my dilemmas but at this point it doesn't matter. I'm so happy that i'm ready to move foward, I'm putting my emotions back out there but only for people who deserve it. I'm ready to take a stand against those who wish to harm me. And i feel Empowered.
I've just been trying to hide and i don't feel like hiding anymore.. no i may not take the big leap of faith i want to but its a start. I"m looking forward to this upcoming show because it will open doors for my band.. sadly i don't know the direction for the band, we are having quite a bunch of turmoil but that doesn't mean that some of us wont stay strong. I right now just want to focus on feeling better so that i can give my highest performance and that i wont bomb in front of a lot of people or a select few lol..... This on is short because i ran out of time yesterday when i wanted to rant about hope and stuff and today well i'm just too tired lol

A different beginning

Its not really a beginning persae but a continuation of a life. I can't say i'm any better but i'm past that breaking point and i've made minor adjustments to my life. V is out of my life i just deleted him he wasnt worth my time. Trying to focus on Pillaging and had to put Innocent and Unknown back in the shadows but for now its worth it. We indeed have a drummer and i'm excited to see where this takes the band. Sadly i have fallen for another guy and while for once he isn't a complete asshole, i still feel inadequate only because he is such a good guy and he has faith and all this hope and compassion that i don't see in most. Im actually afraid i would corrupt him altho he is just as WEIRD as me. And for once he is older than me, still he is a musician (would i fall for anyone else, usually not) but he just gets to me cos he fits most of my preconceived ideas of what i want in a guy. I feel like im being taunted because he shows some interest in me but unlike past guys i refuse to say anything first. I need to think before i speak, he is my friend and i definitely dont want to lose him.
I don't know what to do because he is christian and i am nothing, i don't have a faith and i feel incomplete. Im curious about religions for sure but i just cant choose and maybe its because i don't know if i believe in any of them. I'm spiritual i do believe in higher powers mainly earth bound but here is my dilemma do i believe there is one grand being or do i stray and believe in many??? whole ignorance i'm sure but with romans and greeks having multilple deities and pagans the same. and then christianity,muslims, and buddism having only one its weighs heavy on which is true which is believable and to me none of them are... I'm sacriligious i know but atleast i'm not a satanist i guess lol
well damn ahve to head to work will have a whole nother post on my religious and govermental woes at a later date

Nobody to be pretty for, fuck it let it rattle

why hello masses of what i'm not sure lol, ok so i shouldn't add the lol cos i'm definitely not laughing but ill try to start this and future mean posts with a light note perhaps. I had an official break down yesterday... did i tell anyone about it hell no so dear blog be happy you're the first to know. Ive been in a really dark place since the beginning of the year and i know losing my baby kat didn't help this, i miss him so terribly its like a void left within me. I'm still lost about every aspect of my life and yesterday i did the worse thing possible i started looking back at my entire life and i burst into tears for what seemed like 30 mins asking why me. I don't understand how people can give up on a child as a lost cause before they're even 6 yrs old. I want to know why when i showed signs of distress back then that no one tried to help, not teachers, definitely not my parents, friends... nothing.
I'm so pissed at my dad cos last year he cried and said he never helped me and i was like no shit.. between him and my mom i was fucked at birth. I know that's harsh but i was stuck with my mom for a long time and i feel like he didn't even fight to get me or my sister away from her. Between the phsyical, mental and verbal abuse what did he expect i'd become??? When your name is asshole growing up, don't expect that to teach a child confidence. He never called me names but he didn't help by pushing me to be like him to like my life to get through school it was just as scarring. what the hell am i supposed to do now huh i feel like an empty shell and i can't tell anyone what happened because i'm so confused that my loss and love and anger could cause me to have an epic meltdown.. I am 100% sure i can never trust myself or anyone around me, sad as it is i don't trust my sister or my brothers, i don't trust family or friends, not anymore. So at that fact it is said i will never trust a stranger to fix me or any guy to ever fully love me.............. I choose darkness cos i've asked GOD for help so many times i even apologised for everything i've ever said to him that was not faithful. But here i am still forsaken, i wish i could just be blank, no thoughts, no emotions, no breath. Then this shitty empath crap its getting stronger cos i can feel people and it scares me cos yeh i can't read for myself always that is the cost of a "gift" or a curse as i will forever refer it as. The only time i felt V was when i wanted to walk away and i was done so i thought now he has once again reigned me back in but for how long this time. I have finally decided that after the 36 cf concert coming up i will write him one last time and tell him to seriously go fuck himself cos i can't be strung along like this. And if i have to tell people to fuck off as well cos i'm giving up on my life.. no i can't self sacrifice myself trust me i've tried, another pussy move i'll never forget. But i'm just done trying for everyone else i've tried so hard to keep my 'friends' and in reality they are not mine to keep. this also helped me decide that mymyspace acct will be bands and apps only no 'friends' cos they don't exist i've already begun the process of deleting and i wish i could just delete the whole thing and my facebook, i don't feel like be social anymore. The hermit phase has begun, and now the actress must begin because i have to fool eveyone into thinking i'm fine.. i've done this so many times before i'm getting good at it i should get a fucking medal. -done-

I start to lose control don't kno what up

Man i am bored right now, and i feel like i should do something so i'm writing a stupid ass random blog...

why you ask cos i've got questions that've got no answers or so i think right lol....
SO i was really happy about the way this past weekend went only because i didn't get my ass kicked and my band had a good practice lol. Ok i'm joking i didn't think i'd get my ass kicked but i thought i'd have to go hard thugger bitch and was a bit worried lol.
If most of the people that read these kno me, then they kno i don't really like being threatened any hint of rudeness and i tend to lose it.. Thanx childhood for that, I've always been on the defensive so i was thrown off guard that for once i didn't have to be.
Yes i speak in tongues its easier than admitting that i actually got a surprise from someone.. like when you hear or see something you least expect and it smacks ya upside the head like DUH... I only say this cos i really did not think that things were as they seemed, i tend to condescend myself because i guess i feel inadequate compared to most because really who am i? I'm not all pompous and think i'm tha shit so i am generally down to earth. But i had 2 people tell me they saw something about the situation and was telling me what they saw from it. I totally doubted them both till recently, except that encounter has now left me confused.
I realise i am completely oblivious to facts that are clear as day lol, altho the situation is still a giant mystery it gives a sliver of hope for what i'm not exactly sure yet lol. It just makes me laugh that i have to never fully say what i mean cos of fear of a reprocussion if there is such a thing for an observation. you be the judge i guess. I'm hoping to find out all this mystery stuff and solve whatever i can .
Well weird as this is i'm actually in an awesome mood right now :)
Seriously tho it makes me look foward to the future in hopes that i will not remain so blah about it and that i can come to terms with certain things and peoples in my past.. i think if i'm so willing to better what i have that things will tend to fall in place. Now i'm not saying that karma and i are friends but i'm under the impression that if you do good in your life that karma will rain down and you will be well recieved i think i read that in a book called Siddartha but damn that was in HS lol, so i'm bullshitting but its better than 100% mis quote right lol.
So this is now a book because i feel good and just want to vent in a good way and that is really odd for me, usually i look at everything so negatively but im seeing things and some people in a different light, is it scary, hell yes but whats the point of moving forward if you cant be objective and observant at the same time lol. I'm hoping i'm making sense and that i'm not the only one who will have good come from this!!
Its like share the wealth day or something... peace fo now

Waste Away behind my shadow...

So once again i'm getting what my sister and brother call S.A.D moments they're plaguing me which yeh i'm usually depressed but this time add in lost, confused and pissed off and its a great time had by all..
I feel so helpless with so many situations that surround me lately like i kno my bro is going through stuff and he can't talk to me about it and i feel like i fail as a support system. My sis has so much going wrong for her with work, money and even her resistance for trust. I can't blame her on the last one i'm completely losing trust for everyone in my life. My friends are dwindling down to none cos i never have "time" i hate that word. they say time is so short so do what you want to do, but fuck its not that easy. Between work and music things i don't have time for me.. I have this relentless need to support bands in the scene in the vain hopes they would support my band.. Failed at that the only 2 bands that have had continual support is My Vendetta and Glass Delirium. At that point i want to tell the rest to go fuck themselves.. Not scene friendly huh.

At this point I will never have a real relationship cos i let down my barriers a couple times and my heart was ripped out thrown on the floor and chewed up or something, i will never be able to trust anyone in that way and i have tried to let people in my truest mistake. Fuck V and fuck J they've done nothing for me and they don't care.
I've lost all my friends cos of schedules and band shit, and they're all going to school and bettering their lives and i feel stupid cos i won't get to go back any time soon, and now my passion for school has died i almost want to never go back.

Sometimes i question why GOD saved me when i was a baby i know i shouldn't be back at this point but i feel like a failure because i'm not happy i'm not motivated to breathe and if i didn't work so damn much i would just hide in my house and sleep all day.. My lack of sleep in the last 3 months makes me hate my life....

I'm so pissed at people i thought i could trust even my dad he kicked me out 3 weeks ago and i'm still upset by it altho Mark and his mom have accepted me with open arms i feel like a giant burden cos when they're up i'm asleep and i never get the chance to help with chores, cept take out the trash whoo hoo. I know Mark feels the stress of that and i'm so sorry i fail at everything.

What are my chances of ever making it anywhere i almost wish i could be declared insane and locked in a padded room where they feed you your meds and sedate your life away. Why can't i have that luxury.. i pray for that or death.

Something for nothing wait huh??

So wow its been a really long ass time. I guess i'm lame and just didn't have time to whine about shit lol... And wow its always late at night that my mind just kills me.... So newest update new year. band back together. one less cat and still no optimism..... I know i'm supposed to focus on it being a new year and dreaming that things will get better every new year that comes around right.
Still can't say things are up i'm trying tho really hard to stay somewhat sane is this working not really, just too much craziness.
Like DV is still this stupid staple in my life no matter how many times i make myself the ultimatum to walk away from him, it never works i don't know how he does it but he pulls me right back in. And no we are still not together cos he will never like me altho i can't explain why weird connections keep happening with us.
Then the band is back together but we are drummerless because Todd quit/got fired still confusing there huh. So my sisters kinda now bf drummed for a couple shows and is now recording an EP with us but can't be in our band cos of drama and he has another band.
My kitty died on new years eve from cancer and i realised that when i got tatted i didn't put his death date but the day he went to the hospital cos thats the day i knew something was really wrong and he wasn't gonna make it.. didn't find out about the cancer til new years eve and thats when we put him to sleep.. so i had a crappy ending for last year.

So i was trying to focus on music this year which technically i have cos i've gone to consistant shows since Jan 1rst... but its been hard cos i work so hard to support the denver scene and it doesn't support back it gets old.
I decided that i was going to work on my rap project it still hasn't taken off but i do have an intro for whenever i get to make an album lol.

Ok so i'm extremely tired and dickhead is on my mind so i am deciding just to breathe and go to bed.. hopefully i don't see him tomorrow... I'm going to Bone Thugs N Harmony i kno he likes rap and seriously don't want to see him there.
"Good nite, good nite guys my bright eyes ain't shutting i'm sick of arguing so barging in seemed like it would help something- P.O.S."