why hello masses of what i'm not sure lol, ok so i shouldn't add the lol cos i'm definitely not laughing but ill try to start this and future mean posts with a light note perhaps. I had an official break down yesterday... did i tell anyone about it hell no so dear blog be happy you're the first to know. Ive been in a really dark place since the beginning of the year and i know losing my baby kat didn't help this, i miss him so terribly its like a void left within me. I'm still lost about every aspect of my life and yesterday i did the worse thing possible i started looking back at my entire life and i burst into tears for what seemed like 30 mins asking why me. I don't understand how people can give up on a child as a lost cause before they're even 6 yrs old. I want to know why when i showed signs of distress back then that no one tried to help, not teachers, definitely not my parents, friends... nothing.
I'm so pissed at my dad cos last year he cried and said he never helped me and i was like no shit.. between him and my mom i was fucked at birth. I know that's harsh but i was stuck with my mom for a long time and i feel like he didn't even fight to get me or my sister away from her. Between the phsyical, mental and verbal abuse what did he expect i'd become??? When your name is asshole growing up, don't expect that to teach a child confidence. He never called me names but he didn't help by pushing me to be like him to like my life to get through school it was just as scarring. what the hell am i supposed to do now huh i feel like an empty shell and i can't tell anyone what happened because i'm so confused that my loss and love and anger could cause me to have an epic meltdown.. I am 100% sure i can never trust myself or anyone around me, sad as it is i don't trust my sister or my brothers, i don't trust family or friends, not anymore. So at that fact it is said i will never trust a stranger to fix me or any guy to ever fully love me.............. I choose darkness cos i've asked GOD for help so many times i even apologised for everything i've ever said to him that was not faithful. But here i am still forsaken, i wish i could just be blank, no thoughts, no emotions, no breath. Then this shitty empath crap its getting stronger cos i can feel people and it scares me cos yeh i can't read for myself always that is the cost of a "gift" or a curse as i will forever refer it as. The only time i felt V was when i wanted to walk away and i was done so i thought now he has once again reigned me back in but for how long this time. I have finally decided that after the 36 cf concert coming up i will write him one last time and tell him to seriously go fuck himself cos i can't be strung along like this. And if i have to tell people to fuck off as well cos i'm giving up on my life.. no i can't self sacrifice myself trust me i've tried, another pussy move i'll never forget. But i'm just done trying for everyone else i've tried so hard to keep my 'friends' and in reality they are not mine to keep. this also helped me decide that mymyspace acct will be bands and apps only no 'friends' cos they don't exist i've already begun the process of deleting and i wish i could just delete the whole thing and my facebook, i don't feel like be social anymore. The hermit phase has begun, and now the actress must begin because i have to fool eveyone into thinking i'm fine.. i've done this so many times before i'm getting good at it i should get a fucking medal. -done-
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