So once again i'm getting what my sister and brother call S.A.D moments they're plaguing me which yeh i'm usually depressed but this time add in lost, confused and pissed off and its a great time had by all..
I feel so helpless with so many situations that surround me lately like i kno my bro is going through stuff and he can't talk to me about it and i feel like i fail as a support system. My sis has so much going wrong for her with work, money and even her resistance for trust. I can't blame her on the last one i'm completely losing trust for everyone in my life. My friends are dwindling down to none cos i never have "time" i hate that word. they say time is so short so do what you want to do, but fuck its not that easy. Between work and music things i don't have time for me.. I have this relentless need to support bands in the scene in the vain hopes they would support my band.. Failed at that the only 2 bands that have had continual support is My Vendetta and Glass Delirium. At that point i want to tell the rest to go fuck themselves.. Not scene friendly huh.
At this point I will never have a real relationship cos i let down my barriers a couple times and my heart was ripped out thrown on the floor and chewed up or something, i will never be able to trust anyone in that way and i have tried to let people in my truest mistake. Fuck V and fuck J they've done nothing for me and they don't care.
I've lost all my friends cos of schedules and band shit, and they're all going to school and bettering their lives and i feel stupid cos i won't get to go back any time soon, and now my passion for school has died i almost want to never go back.
Sometimes i question why GOD saved me when i was a baby i know i shouldn't be back at this point but i feel like a failure because i'm not happy i'm not motivated to breathe and if i didn't work so damn much i would just hide in my house and sleep all day.. My lack of sleep in the last 3 months makes me hate my life....
I'm so pissed at people i thought i could trust even my dad he kicked me out 3 weeks ago and i'm still upset by it altho Mark and his mom have accepted me with open arms i feel like a giant burden cos when they're up i'm asleep and i never get the chance to help with chores, cept take out the trash whoo hoo. I know Mark feels the stress of that and i'm so sorry i fail at everything.
What are my chances of ever making it anywhere i almost wish i could be declared insane and locked in a padded room where they feed you your meds and sedate your life away. Why can't i have that luxury.. i pray for that or death.
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