Ironic... That is the word that reverberates inside my head as I sit here to revel in my woes, because I still have no one I can tell my thoughts to. How many times does it take of dealing with people and feeling dead before one realises that they're not meant to be around people. I try to be smiley and happy so people believe that I'm normal. Oh hell if people knew my alienation, how no matter if i'm in a sea of people or just a little throng of friends that I still feel like an outcast. I'm still the person who has to message my so called friends to arrange a hang out; they don't bother texting me asking my days off or if we can hang out. So then i stop texting them and low and behold I feel guilty for doing so, like I'm the asshole because I gave up once again. Then i get regretful and re-message them trying to patch up what doesn't exist.
Just once, I want someone to care. I don't need rockstar treatment but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt to be ignored. For example, last night; I decided to be Panda's ride to Trailside since my sister had to work. It was hip-hop night (or supposed to be) only 1 out of 5 artists showed up so we got an impromptu karaoke night. And I felt sooo old and out of place. cos lets be serious for a moment I do love getting the attention about my voice, I just don't take compliments well. And so it was a complete buzzkill to have a better singer than me there and hearing everyone give her praise. I'm not hating on her she is a sweet girl and yes an amazing singer and dancer. Any time she would sing everyone would run in from outside to listen to her, the only time they did that for me was on my first song which of course was Evanescence and I do rock it, but after that nobody listened to me. That was really the only praise I got all night was the bartender saying great job.
I wanted to cry by the end of the night and almost did a couple of times, among people who are essentially my friends i felt so alone; I tried to go hang out with Panda a couple of times cos he seemed upset but I could tell he didn't want me near him so i went and sat by myself pretending to have fun. I am my worst critic and was so disappointed on everything else i sang and felt worse when no one was listening. Cos honestly who wants to watch and listen to the ugly fat girl when you've got a skinny pretty girl who sounds better.
I get competitive when it comes to singing cos I've worked my entire life to have an amazing voice and getting sick in December and practically coughing up my lungs for 3 weeks damaged what I had left of my voice. Without my voice I am nothing, I have no specialty otherwise.
Then the night before i helped at Pit Stop and everyone kept ditching me at the door by myself all night, it sucks cos I don't really smoke anymore i bummed a few smokes off of Panda but otherwise both nights were so boring and just kept reminding me that I don't belong there. But i go every week because the only other interaction i get with people is at my work and i've been so frustrated that I've been a real cunt there as well. I've lost all interest of being online and have been spending all my free time reading. But again its a stark reminder that books always have romance and situations and experiences i will never have.
It reminds me that the only person who ever kinda hits on me is porkchop and I think because he didn't snag Jenna and we're twins he thinks i'm a good settlement, I'm not. I will never be as good as Jenna, I will never be acceptable like her. People use her because she is there like PK, or AH like a conquest. Panda is the only one who treats her right; but he is bad at normal interactions as well always saying he'll be in trouble if he talks to another girl or that he'll get his ass kicked for a girl trying to flirt with him, its a bit silly. No one seems to get that we aren't normal.
it's funny in that aspect it's great to not be normal cos i'm sick of all these guys bitchin about what they have to do for their fucking cunts, what they have to give up and be slaves to the vagina.. like what's the point if you can't be a human being, if you want something you can program buy a fucking robot.
I wish i could figure out why i'm so hateful, why nothing motivates me, and my dreams are dead. At 34 yrs old I'll never be a musician, i'll never get to travel around the world and even if i did all my fbk friends and i no longer talk; i've essentially become a hermit and would rather hide in my room and sleep or read a book than get on fbk and pretend to want to be there. Same with the music scene I've lost all sense of belonging; i'm not interesting enough to hold a conversation with and am just an awkward reminder of why i don't go out.
I feel like i just need to step away from the scene because i'm already a newb there, everyone is already friends and family and there are only a small few who hold that place in my heart but I still don't feel connected to them not really.
What am I supposed to do with my life? Why can't i cheer up and find some way to fix everything why the resignation, i've given up on the possibility of being a musician, i've given up the possibility of having a boyfriend,a house, a family. I've come to be comfortable in my darkness but so lonely in it as well. I'm such a mess and I have nowhere to turn. I lost all my friends, I lost my sister, I can't talk to my family or co-workers. I am now and forever just with me. I am truly alone.
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I don't want to be one of those people who say all sorts of stupid asinine things like "You know I love you..." and "I know what you're going through." Because when people say that it's like, "Shut up. I get that you feel things too." At the same time, you don't want to hear the comments of empty support either. But, I do want to say this. I love you. Where the only family I've ever had (through law or genetics) has abandoned me (except for my wonderful mother); you've always been there. You're more sister than I deserve. Even those that I've said are like family (including names that I'm not dropping) don't compare to you. Without you in my life, I wouldn't know what to do. Sure, you might not be like these other people... but as for me... I wouldn't want you to be. While it might not seem like others appreciate you, I do. Even during our times of separation, I know that my sister is there keeping the light inside me lit even when she can't physically be there. I'm not going to say things are bound to get better. Because, having you as my family... they are better. Even at their worst.
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