Wow crazyiness abounds

So a couple weeks ago my sister played a show with her friend's band filling in on vocals. I know so shocking lol, first we went to see another friend's show and ran into an old friend I haven't seen for a good couple of years.  It was so great to see him and he seemed really happy and it was a good change in him.  Anyways he decided to come along to Jenna's show and seemed really happy to see her perform since we've all been out of the scene for a better part of 2 years or more.  Once we pulled up to the venue he started freaking out a bit and said that people were looking at him and judging him, I didn't see or feel that from anyone not directly.  So he kept walking around and being super paranoid and he was upset because he wanted a drink but has only been sober for a little while.  So he told me to help him not buy any alcohol, but then he kept running off and right as the band was getting ready to start.  it bothered me cos I promised I would help him but I was there for my sister and she was plenty nervous.  Well a mutual friend went and sat with him and helped him not drink which made me feel better.  Well prior to making it to my sister's show my friend and I were talking about all the crap that went down; and as to why I walked away from music.  
  He asked about everything and it led to bringing up Ronan; he asked what really happened between the 2 of us.  I didn't really get to tell him everything but i told him why i unfriended Ronan, I told him I did miss the idiot but was too prideful to say anything to Ronan about it. ( I miss a lot of the friends I abandoned in the scene but they obviously haven't missed me as we barely talk anymore.  I don't even belong in the music scene anymore I don't know anyone and its like starting at square 1 and I've done that way too many times to count and I just can't be bothered; even tho i miss performing singing my heart out and shedding anger and sweat on stage there is no other feeling on this planet)  Anyways back to that night, my friend said he needed to go for a walk and ofcourse that worried me a lot but what can ya do right.  Well I was outside on the smoking patio and he came out and said that he was leaving, and that Ronan was there to pick him up.  And of course I was like Ronan, Ronan? and he said yes so i freaked and was like idk if i should go talk to him.  And he was all like its up to you, but all night he kept asking me what should he do about this situation blah blah, but wouldn't return the favor.  
  So I braved my pride and walked outside with him and came face to face with Ronan whom I haven't seen since 2011.  It was awkward but pleasant he was actually kind of nice side the part where he tried to make me feel stupid about some lame christian project he's a part of, cos he assumed I thought it was a band with big named people ummm yeh right.
   Anyway he kinda ruined my night by just seeing him, cos just looking into those eyes brought back the flood of everything that had broken my spirit 2 years prior, i ended up sitting in the car bawling my eyes out while my sister was inside the venue smoozing with the lame ass metal scene.  She came out and asked if i was hungry and said we would go eat and then someone's friends' band was playing so thats when she went back inside and I sat outside like an idiot crying.  I tried to text a couple friends that knew the back story but neither offered any reprieve from my pain which made it worse.  I realised then at that very moment that I don't have a best friend that I can talk to about stupid crap like running into an ex or which brand of shoes look decent on my hobbit feet.  It was a sad moment, and I wish I could rewind something in my heart that has blocked everyone out.  I want to find a moment and take it back, every back stabbing word that came out of anger, every abandoned text or show invite.
  I don't even find timeless comfort in the games i used to play on facebook they're all so boring and repetative.  I tried to play some xbox360 games and realised i'm even bad at those so I'm no gamer, I'm horrible at D&D and Marvel Heroes.  The only rpg game i'm relatively good at is wizards101 and I have no one to play with me there either.  I have recently only found comfort in books, they don't judge me they just feed me fantasy stories I wish I could live.  To be a mage in renaissance times, or a shadow hunter who was born to kill demons and evil things or a half aedh/ werewolf who can kick ass and have endless sex. those are the stories that i read or your percy jackson stories, I've read so many series' just in the past 6 months that lately when I have extra money its usually for a damn kindle card lol.
  And my dad wonders where I'm getting all these gas points from, he should just be lucky i don't go out of my way to get gas in my car so that he can enjoy the fruits of my addiction.  I also hate reading these books because even through every challenge there is always a reward for the hero/heroine.  I would just once like to be pretty enough for even a blatantly boring guy would find me somewhat attractive.  I get so sad because I know unless I'm a size zero slut I'll never have a guy truly look at me.  I always tell people that i'm content in the friend zone but it definitely hurts when you fall for someone and they don't even notice.  I don't want to get married or anything cos in this day and age that means nothing, but I can't even find a guy who wants to hold my hand go to dinner and a movie or just sit in the grass at a park, but those are daydreams, no matter how I try to lose weight finally smoked my last cigarette and have been pretty successful and cutting soda almost completely out (i know energy drinks are just as bad) one step at a time.  I play tennis when I can but i sabotage myself cos i am a stress eater and all I ever want is to shove food down my throat.  Its like i just want to give up on trying but i'm miserable my whole body is sore all the time and I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me.
  I can't even go to my friend's wedding at the end of August because I can't afford to purchase 2 airline seats for my fat ass.  I can't go to the amusement park with my niece and I refuse to even eye a bathing suit cos I'll never wear one in public. Fuck my life. I'm logging off and searching for some dinner before i have to head to bed.  I wonder how much a hired sharpshooter costs? Not like i could afford a hitman because I can't even afford to fix my tooth or get plastic surgery.  One day I will look normal.. I wonder if I'll ever get the surgeries I need. One day...