I really need to write here today. I've been thinking about my life and no, there is nothing exciting or new. I'm still the hermit who answers people with the yeh we should hang out sometime, and know that we probably never will. Its almost a generic answer these days especially when I run into old school friends and look back at how when I went to school(mainly college) that I had an abundance of free time to hang with said friends. Then I got into my first band and that was a whirwind 2 years. After that I dropped out of college, I had wanted to pay my own way hence only taking a couple classes here or there; it was a shining accomplishment to be able to say that I paid my way through it. Well then band stuff became more great work screwed me over with hours at work where it was nearly impossible to even make it to class or actually get any homework done. Needless to say I failed the 3rd time I went. I did 4 semesters total but only took a class or 2 each time. Trust me I would've rather gone full time but yeh my parents couldn't pay for my classes and I never wanted one of those loans or grants you had to pay back. I was already in enough financial trouble I didn't need to add to it.
The reason I'm bringing up the college thing is because I made the most awesomest friend the 4th semester that I went. Because of work I failed English my 3rd time I went so I got a D you have to get a C or better to actually get credit for the class. So back to the 4th semester the teacher made us go around and say what we did outside of school what our hobbies were. Of course mine was music, and so I told everyone what my past time was. After class a girl walked up to me and said hey you said you played music what do you play and I laughed cos i can't play an instrument to save my life so I was like hey I'm a singer and she was like hey I play guitar. The friendship was bonded then we started talking about punk and rap music and she was a vegan. I was like wow you're the first person I've met in a long time who understands my eating habits lol. Anyways we were friends for years even after I dropped out of school we still found time to hang out and do movie nights or go to shows, she came to a couple of my 2nd band's shows and it was just awesome!! I still remember her fave song was Serotonin lol.
Anyway I ruined our friendship over a stupid boy who broke my heart anyways :( We went to this show a couple years back and I was nervous if I would see this boy there cos he was in the metal scene but also a rapper. Gods he had me hooked, I knew he was bad for me but there were moments he would be so damn sweet that it usually overrode that he was an asshole other times. Well in this scenario I was the asshole. Call it guilty conscious or whatever. So I asked my friend if she wanted to stand in this one spot and she was like nah i'm gonna sit here at the bar i'm pretty exhausted, i was sad cos i wanted her to stand with me; and in reality I should've stayed with her. But he asked if I wanted to stand with him and his friends and my heart got all giddy and asked my friend if it was ok. She said yeh, but the empath part of me felt she was bummed since we had gone to the show together to hang out. I had a good time at the show but knew I messed up bad and it was after that she moved away and we lost even more contact and there were times she was in state and I didn't even know.
Then I would text or email her and get a response or she'd call. And I remember the last time she called me I was in the car with my friend and his mom and they were talking kinda loud so I couldn't hear her so I told her I'd call her back when we got back to the house from doing the shopping run. We didnt get back till well after 8pm and I had to lay down for work i think, and yup I forgot to call her back, this happened so many times with her and my other friends still. That she just stopped trying and I don't blame her. Im a crappy friend lol.
Fast forward to my life now, ever since I got hurt by my friends in the music scene and a different boy than the above mentioned and with the downfall of my band, I broke down and am just not the same. I stopped supporting a lot of the bands in Denver cos my mind was telling me that nobody really gave a crap about me, and I know that's not true about some of the peoples; but the others I still don't trust. Anyways i walked away from music, I don't sing unless its with my headphones at work, I haven't played my piano in a really long time and I don't write anymore. Plus my best friend was my driver and because of him i was able to go everywhere and be social. Well him and I haven't gotten to hang out at all in the last year or so only a couple times, he has found new friends at work that live close to him and are cooler than me lol. It hurts yeh but it is a needed break because we hurt each other pretty bad and there is still anger and sadness in that. Anyways the only way I was social was because of him, cos he liked driving my car and going out.
I felt like I used him because I knew he liked to drive and I absolutely hate driving especially downtown. He would drive me to said wherever and I would pay for us both to get in, needless to say I ran out of money from going to bars, local and national shows. So now I don't go anywhere. I hate asking for rides cos mine always comes with restrictions, nobody really lives up here and on the weekends I always have to work so I can't stay as late as everyone else. He knew that and worked my schedule perfectly, well then he got a job and wham hang out time was over. I never know his days off and we don't really talk more than once a week or so, and its just to tell each other to have a good day.
So I have friends and all but most of them live down in Aurora area, and they all work during the day and Im still a freaking vampire. So I spend my time either playing apps on facebook pretending I have gaming friends and family or reading. In the past 4 months alone I've read over 20 or so books. I even bought myself a xbox 360 for xmas and have played it only 3 times. I don't even have the energy to go sit out in the room next to mine and play games on there cos even there im still a loner.
My sister works all the time now, so even our friendship is dwindling, I used to look forward to Weds or Thurs nights where we'd hanker down and watch Supernatural on dvd. We are still currently on the last episode of season 6 going on 6 months lol and I even have Season 7 ready to go. I'd have a better chance of watching it on my own time, yet I really don't feel like it. I have that one and 3 other series' to watch and i just don't have the fancy to watch them either. How did I become such a loser?? I was never not a loser but lately I just feel so useless.
I'm sorry this is a freaking novel, I had really wanted to talk about this paranormal investigation I did a week or so ago but that would take up more room so i think i'll start a new thread about that one. even tho it kinda sucked too lol.
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