All Alone I Turn To Stone

Yes today is a fantastic day, so I went to my old store to see about transferring back there but didn't a straight answer, dunno why I thought I would. Have a feeling that by talking to this store manager that if he talked to my current management team I won't be transferring. They're two-faced like that, yeh. Then I've been feeling empty today After hanging with my niece for the day I felt like talking to adults so i tried to txt a couple people and no one answered till i had to go to bed. Usually this is fine and dandy but with the insomnia that plagued me yesterday and now for the most part today it was a bummer. I probably should've taken my anti-depressant today oh well there's always tomorrow.

Everything has been a giant jumble in my head lately with the crappy Ronan situation and how technically we're no longer friends, and then my mind keeps thinking about David and i don't want to be back in that spot, but realise it doesn't matter cos i'll probably never see him again either. For the 3 hrs i sorta slept tonight dreaming about him was a nightmare i didn't want. Then the fact that i should feel glad i'm home, i'm neither glad nor sad just here. I miss Mark and mom and the kitties and pika, sorry i didn't really care for the dogs but love them too yeh. Being here reminds me that Lightning and Sammy aren't here and i just feel sad. I know why im here tho i need help and my dad can help me afford that, right now i'm drowning in my debt and need his insane budgeting skills to get me out of my current mess.

I don't trust anyone enough to tell them how i'm feeling so im silently suffering once again on my own, if i didn't have so much regret in my life about the way i tend to deal with things i probably wouldn't be in this mess, but yeh i hate having to reveal how i feel i will not become that vulnerable, this is the only glance people would get and the turmoil that plagues me and yet its not everything just the outer shell. Its taken many counselors to try and see into my demented mind and they've never been able to, and hell now i want to go back and see them again to pick apart what the hell is wrong with me.

Whatever right, suck it up and be the bigger person, well ya know what all i see is a monster i've turned into those people that i despise, i never thought i would be callous or jealous, never thought i'd been one of 'those' people who would be a backstabber; and yet here i am the monster i didn't want to become. maybe now i fit into the lead singer profile because yes part of me knows how good i am and what i should be able to obtain, and the other part of me knows that no matter how hard i try i won't be given a break. I'm neither skinny nor pretty enough to front anything, not in the denver scene. People say i'm over reacting but seriously i haven't gotten calls back from any bands in Colorado and I know quite a few these days but meh good for them for breaking me down and making me feel like the freak i am, thank you. The anger that sits in my chest is boiling so that means its time to peace out plus i get to have fun at slaveway tonight yayness.