yo ho whatever

So i'm bored once again, lately its like an hrly thing as to whether I can even find motivation for what needs to be done. Sadly no I haven't really found the strength to do much at all. I should be happy about all the awesome stuff coming up and instead i'm just super blah. I have way too much on my mind and am going over past incidences with people that I know. And sadly my mind is telling me that I told them too much info, the kind that will be used against me later I'm sure. That's one of the downfalls of trusting anyone and I know its all part of being human, yay.

I'm actually not looking fwd to the Glass show this time around, and I know i'm sad because they are once again going away for a couple months like last yr. I think its mainly cos I don't want to see this doucher that hurt me, but if he did what he did at the last show then i feel like he is avoiding the shows because of me and that sux. I understand the position and i could care less if he shows up or not, but hopefully people wont ask me about him, i may explode and go off, would rather not. I just wish things were clear as to why someone would act like they like me and then BAM pretty much call me unattractive without calling me out. I still am really hurt about the whole stupid ass thing cos I wasn't being a bitch about what happened but I'm so angry because the doucher is like every other fucking male on this planet. Why can't I be gay? I've had countless amounts of girls hit on me and tell me I'm pretty which I'm not but it feels nice to be told so every once in awhile.

NO i have to be attracted to guys, and have them always hate me back, why throw myself under a bus just to try to date the nihilistic jerks who always end up being shallow and vepid? And why am i never good enough for anyone? I'm sorry but with each rejection I view myself as a monster, its hard to keep faith in people and the heavens when every turn is a bitch slap in the face. I was trying to find some kind of faith something to believe in and even that fell through.

Do you know what sux tho? Is I've often posted about wanting to be apathetic and not feel and the sad part is I'm pretty apathetic about endeavors and stuff but still feel the pain, an my head attacks me at every turn. I tried to be bigger about the lost band opportunity but still feel rebuffed, and with Ronan i went a couple days not feeling affected but the more i remember what he said to me the more angrier i get. Then with my brother we got in a pretty big fight a month or so ago and i feel like we're not as close.

No one wants to be around me anymore and every decision i make is the wrong one and im such a fucking failure at being human and just my breathing is wrong stupid asthma... I just want to disappear because i'm losing myself and everything i worked so hard for, its like i'm reverting back to 13 when i initially began to show the broken parts of myself. And i know i need help but i don't know where to go, who to trust and i just want to give up so much. Yet I will wake up tomorrow and still be just as miserable with myself. Fuck me, i hate myself!