wtf i hate feelings

Its weird today has been a productive day and it went well i think, but tonight as i sit here in front of this screen i have a bad feeling over me. I don't know eaxctly what i feel bad about i know shit's been going down at work and it will get worse starting tomorrow i will indeed be on my boss' shit list but that doesn't actually bother me.

I also have this guy on my mind he's out of my reach but i can't help but see his face all the time, in every dream it begins to anger me that i let a guy bring me to this nonsense. He's a dear friend and i haven't and probably never will tell him how i feel, it seems every time i do tell a guy how i feel that it always goes bad and i lose a friend. so this time saving my dignity and pride i choose to look at him through an inch of glass.

I sit here questioning certain friendships, i love all my friends dearly and don't actually question them, but i have a weird pit in my stomach that they're not always telling me everything.... I condescend myself a lot, i push myself to believe the worst in people and i know its unhealthy but trust is always an issue. I fight myself daily on how loyal my friends are and i question myself as to how loyal i am to them.

i question life always and ask why i am here and what my exact purpose is, i know i may never actually know that answer but i feel unworthy at times, like i am a mere pion who was mistakenly forgotten, but are we ever forgotten? i spit philosophy like it will give me a definite answer but i am left knowledgeless or am i indeed learning the grandest of lessons. I don't know you tell me lol.
I should leave it at that cos i could spin questions like a web and get lost in the translation of the answer(like we all don't do this right?)