Urgh i'm so done right now

Urgh I am so sick and tired these past two weeks have been rough I won't lie.. After talking to my boss I feel a little better, I thought she would be so pissed that I failed and end audit, which means my displays and crap like that weren't signed.. The store manager has been less than understanding about the fact that I'm at my wits end i'm ready to take a 24 hr nap and just catch up on massive amounts of lost sleep.

Yeh dude told me i'm pretty much his skapegoat if he doesn't get transferred like he has been planning to. I interpreted that as he will make my life a living hell, I know it could be worse but I already feel like i'm working at a prison/concentration camp. I spite him by asking God if he is Hitlers' reincarnation, i know that isnt nice but this man i swear has some devil in him, horrible man. I'm under the assumption that he has multiple personalities cos there are days where he can be the nicest person and then every other day he's an asshole.

The funny thing at least to me is that he doesn't yell at me like he does everyone else, like he tries to use this stern i'm in charge voice and yes i hate confrontation so i do back down a bit, but he has also seen my angry side and yes i am psychotic i have no problem letting people know when i'm pissed; most of the time they just have to look at my face and people get out of my way like i'm an oncoming freight train. :) i have really bad anger issues and its not something people should test to see how far they can push me, its not pretty.. when i get the black vision over my eyes and the rage takes over i'm not me anymore, it is intimidating i wont lie.

i was so upset that i had myself in tears, i hate crying but i refuse to cry in front of that man, he is a chovenist pig and uses tears as a weapon. My tears come from anger and possibly fear if he tries to fire me, even though i tried my hardest the past 2 weeks and have only 2 days left and am 100% happy theyre 4 hrs or under days :) I txtd my boss and told her what happened so on Monday if he just happens to call her into his office she won't be bitch slapped by the fact he thinks i suck at my job lol.. well now i'm more relaxed and hope i can sleep some yesterday i was in a state of insomnia its horrid lol..

this is the reason for my turnaround

I wrote this last week and never posted it, but it was because of this blog that was my eye opener time to wake up moment.. Everyone takes the happy moments in life for granted, for people like me I take whatever happy moment is there and put a death grip on it. I wish there was one day where something didn't always bum me out. I am seriously trying to be happy and i beg for people to understand me.

WTF- 7/11/11

The one time I really want to write a blog the damn site is deciding to be a douche so I im gonna write a document and post later lol.

Ok to say that last night it plaguing me is an understatement nothing went as planned don't know why im surprised nothing ever goes the way I plan. I wish I wasn't so OCD where I could just be spontaneous but I even have to plan the initiative to be risky. I am one fucked up individual, but I guess im just upset because I thought for a minute I could actually explain myself and my actions to Ronan of all people and yeh that was a flop. I went to tell him what was going on and instead I could feel him freaking out and so I had to abridge everything. Empath sucks sometimes, he was acting so distant towards me last night, and he hurt my feelings a little when I was going outside to have a smoke I told him I would be right back cos I had re found him and wanted to talk with him when I came back inside and he was like you don't Have to hang with me. And I did get assertive and said I don't HAVE to do anything I want to hang with you. But I felt rebuffed after that, I couldn't even concentrate at work, cos yeh now I feel like i'm this giant freak show; and the one person I thought would understand me is running full force the other way. I think I fucked this up so so so bad, why am I always the underdog? Why can't I for once just not be unlucky in my life? This is why I need to get away I feel so isolated already, I wish I could just shrivel up and disappear.

I see now the hermit thing isnt gonna work but its not that anyone will listen to why I need some time for me, I only told a couple people about needing time off and it got blown out of proportion, i'm not leaving the scene for good I just need some down time. People think I'm crazy for going to shows on nights that I have to work, and lately with my depression flaring out of control, i'm starting to think that maybe I am putting too much on my plate. I really love music and I wish I had the time and means to go to everybody's shows but I can't and I know people think im blowing them off but im starting to go down hill. This was my place to go to vent and now I can't even hide here, I never thought my excessive bitching would draw fans.

My goals are quite simple for the next couple of months save money for this procedure I want done by the end of next year altho it might take a year or 2 to save money for it, and then to pay off my massive debt, and then to pay for counseling cos yeh I can't hack it on my own like i've been telling myself I could. I need to be more proactive on exercising and its really hard because all I do is work and im exhausted and just want to black out for days. I planned to do that today cos I was practically passing out at work but 5 hrs of sleeping and I woke up with a migraine, but I didn't feel good last night at Glass. I should've notice that my body was gearing up for something. I have been quite tired lately which was my cue that the depression was back full swing. I haven't had 14 hr sleeping days since I was in high school, I remember when I was 13 and I would sleep from the time I got home from school through dinner and all the way till the next morning. I would be up at 430am cramming all my homework in before having to catch the bus.

This is that same feeling where im trying to cram in stuff in around before going to work and coming home and crashing until I have to get up to go to work again. I haven't been eating right because i've been out cold. And yes i'm an idiot I keep forgetting to take my meds so I tried an experiment for at least 2 weeks maybe more of not taking my pills and I just want it documented im screwed im gonna have to take this crap til I die, its not fair. Why did I get this extreme depression? I'm not bi-polar but i'm not uni-polar so what the hell does that classify me as... the fucking freak of nature. Once again I defy everything that I could be categorized as, I fit no molds and yet im still just another head case or something.

I've come to a conclusion that maybe I shouldn't let anyone near me, if I let someone love me, even Ronan; I could screw them up for good, i'm all over the place and I can't control my thoughts or emotions, how can I ask them to deal with me? I wish the simple answer was to lock me in a mental ward for awhile yet im poor I could never afford to take the time off work because I got massive debts to pay, and people would think I was just blowing them off, and disown my friendship. Every solution is a disaster because it would piss everyone else off, and of course because of the empath crap I care about what happens to those around me.. hence why suicide is always in my brain but never executed, well that and I hate physical pain, if I could endure the amount of physical pain that was equal to the mental/emotional pain i've endured; I would be in trouble. But no don't worry kiddies I promise to be a good girl and pretend i'm superfantabulous because that's whats expected. So I shall be the greatest actress on the planet and pretend that everyone doesn't hurt me and that I can't sense the emotions flowing out of every single one of you. (smile. Must keep head up. Pose. smile)

'Its a boy, girl thing'

I am scared right now, I'm deciding to be super brave for once in my life. Why cos I gotta see about a boy. I'm begging you God to please give me the strength to do what I need to do :) I realise that I've been so scared to tell people or one person the truth that I've been hiding behind myself. I have talked to a couple people about my current dilemma and realise that people are rooting for me so much right now. I need to focusing because you can miss so much from being scared. If you never give that cute girl your number or smile at that boy you could miss a whole lifetime of happiness. At this point in time I blame Mark and possibly Sami they've been trying to give me confidence this past month. And I think finally this girl has got a bit to go on, now i just have to have a little faith that God knows what he is doing too.

I know i seem less christian and perhaps a bit agnostic, i believe i'm just confused a little lost, there is love and hope and even peace surrounding us all and we need to accept that.. No matter how normal or weird we may seem that if we accept that as ourselves then anything is possible. There is no way to truly fit in everywhere, some people fit in as jocks others fit in as goths or maybe the quiet skater or the cheerleader. Can you think if your roles were reversed but you knew what you were like before, would you seriously say that it wouldn't have an impact??

I am the quiet punk/skater/goth/thugger girl who just happens to be weird. Sometimes i feel like i don't fit anywhere but ya know what these past couple of months I've finally met people who don't care about my style but accept me for the freaky weird girl i am. I am Not my voice, I am not what i wear. I am Emily the girl who has ambition, I am the girl who loves music because its epic, I am the girl who loves to dream because dreams give you inspiration and motivation. I am Emily damn it and I will not be forsaken anymore, I love this boy and I am no longer afraid of the freak that I am. I finally after 30 years of life can say I 100% accept the girl GOD made me to be.. I accept all the bad and all the good that has paved my life and I will overcome everything that has ever shot me down and I will pray to God every day for the life that he has given me, because if i would've succeeded when i was 15 yrs old I would've never met the most amazing people that I know today. I love you all and I, I think i love myself.

a moment to pause 6/29/11

Hi!!!

I'm actually in a great mood today and that scares me just a bit. I know i have the occasional blog that isn't all poor me, this is one of them :) I know for my sanity that I have to leave the scene for a bit, but amazing enough originally I was gonna walk away and never come back. But i realise i will miss it extremely, but i think also that i'm scared because that I don't have a lot of street cred if you will. I just need to take the next 2 months and work on me, if i can lose some weight and also just refocus on writing new material and lyrics, i think i could bring my confidence up a couple of steps.

Being drastic has always been my calling card so of course i was being all drama queen at being hurt by my friends, but i realise the pressure they too are under but its when that pressure gets to be too much you need to turn to friends.

I may not have too many friends close by but i know who has my back sorta lol. I just wonder what Gods plan is for each of us and i wonder why i just can't bring myself to trust in a divine being. Not saying that i don't believe in fate and stuff but is there something else that controls our free will?

Then someone asked if i believed all this ascension stuff i don't think i do, but im hoping if it does happen and people are saved by God I hope he takes care of all the angels w/o wings in my life. There are too many awesome people out there who have on many occassions saved me from myself and proved that real friends will talk you into clarity.

I know i dog myself a lot, i guess its hard to feel worthy of light when i've been so lost in the dark for so long, but it really helps knowing that I am not alone and even if i don't feel worthy of my life, someone out there finds me worthy. Still dont know who posted that comment but i try to remember that on a daily basis that obviously my friends and family find me worthy of acceptance or we wouldn't be friends. So i close this by saying i may be WEIRD and a little FREAKY but i'm me and thanks to everyone who gets me. :)

wow took time off from my chaos...

And now I'm back, cos yeh my life is one big doozy. I'm trying to act like I can cope with my crappy state of mind but its a lot harder than it looks kiddies. I'm definitely losing my marbles practically one at a time, and I don't think they'll be coming back. I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless, like with Pillaging gone there is relief but also a giant void, I can't recall if i felt this after Merje cos yeh both bands lasted 2 years and BOOM, just done. I think I have to walk away from music for a bit maybe to gain some sanity, perhaps not but I've made that decision, and not lightly by any means.

My plan is simple tell the select few about my 2nd facebook acct and then transfer them over and abandon the person I have been for a while. I am done persuing Ronan he is driving me completely insane because I really can't be any more obvious when I'm with him, yet either he is that oblivious or he doesn't care. It plagues me to kinda walk away from him, because sadly i think i love him and I HATE admitting that at all. Because he thinks I'm nice and thoughtful and even when I told him that I care about him he just said thank you?! WTF man what do you think I mean when i say that i care and worry about your ass all the time.

ok breathe I didn't want this to be a curse fest should be proud I'm trying not to curse like a sailor today. But yeh this last downfall has just caused me to not trust anyone around me, i can't believe people who I thought were my friends, didn't even give me a chance. No, because I'm not skinny or pretty or well known, no because I haven't been in any big bands in this damn scene. Not on talent alone but because of my image. So my plan is to take these couple of months and not see the people I have grown to despise, and to focus on my ultimate goal to possibly, like the person staring back at me. Altho its been hell the last 25 years and I've never been told by anyone that I'm acceptable always the freak of nature. Well this weird ass freak of nature is gonna do what she does and always has done best... Hide.

Don't get me wrong I'm not ending my life trust me i'm too pansy to, but I need to get away from this persona of a rock star that never was, I've tried since I was 12 or 13 to tell people I'm a great musician and not just me but Jenna as well and still to this day people don't believe what we say. We are never given a break no matter how hard we try. So she too is walking away for her I sense that she might not come back and just work on her craft on the side, she's been playing her guitar again. But now Tiva is her #1 and she doesn't want to lose her daughter. But i can't do projects without her, and not because I don't have the talent.. Its because I can't keep time and every time i audition for new projects i look like an idiot. So instead of fill myself with embarrassment i've decided to quit. I will find something else I'm good at, I will read the 20+ plus books sitting next to my bed, I will become thin again, and I will become the highest Magus Wizard on 101, i don't care about FFXI i hate playing by myself its just absolutely boring, and the whole reason I started at all was because Mark and Mom wanted something to share with me, yet i get to share nothing with them. I haven't partied with them on there for almost a year it seems, cos they have all their other friends, why play with a low level n00b.

Yeh anger it runs through me at alarming rates these days, I fear all those people whom i thought were evil are just normal, and i'm the monster. I really do hate people and I'm sick of pretending to be social cos yeh i really suck at it, so even tho Mark vows to get me out there to meet new people, the problem is i don't want to meet anyone. The last 10 years has been hell enough with the friendships i thought i gained only to have some (not all) of them just rip me down. I felt like one of the cool kids for once, but deep down i will always be the nerd girl trying to fit in somewhere I don't belong. The charade is up my friends i'm hoping i can gain some self respect instead of relying on people who are fake like acid tasting sugar. So now i vented and i'm logging off because really everything else is repeatative. Altho I still feel betrayed i never even got a chance, and that is all.

too much on my mind

So another night where i have too much on my mind. I think Im just hurt cos Ronan didnt come to the show last night. And I think i'm being too obsessive towards him, i have a inner feeling he is pulling away. Also i have a feeling that because everyone pairs us together and always asks me about him, i wonder if they ask him about me. So i would understand that he is a little freaked, cos i don't think he wants to be with me. But i know he has some deep stuff going on i just wish he could tell me so that i could help him or something. But yeh i only see him maybe once a month sometimes i'm spoiled and see him more.
I just wish that if he did like me he would at least tell me, whether we actually get to be a couple doesnt exactly bother me, i just want to know how he feels so i dont feel so pathetic. I just hate that I gte so damn attached like a lovesick puppy, it really just makes me feel so stupid. And no matter how I say im gonna just tell him what's on my mind.. I go near him and my brain cells leave. I can't even carry on a decent conversation with him cos it ends with yeh, uh huh, and really? I get so lost in just watching him, i get lost. Don't get me wrong i do listen to what he says and I do pay attention, but i have such a stupid brain that half the time i forget what he says. Then he thinks that because he has to keep reiterating everything that i wasnt listening. And that is SOO not true.
Then after talk serious with Mark and Jenna i didnt want to leave for work, i wanted to stay and continue and i was almost late because i didnt want to go. It was just a sad night saying bye to Robi and seeing everyone and all these people asking where Ronan was and the fact that I didn't know was sad, altho I am not his keeper and we dont really talk on a daily basis. half the time my mind tells me he probably doesnt think about me at all. I know he must but yeh that's a guess, and i got all emo because i was at work and Roots Radical came on and that used to be his txt tone on my other phone, then Pieces came on and that song makes me think of him. back to back it was horrid, im just glad that the other band that makes me think of him didnt come on.
I dont know why love is so lame and why i have to fall so bad, altho i give him props he is the first guy to really give me any positive response, but i dont know how to take his mood shifts like one minute, he seems glad to be near me and then the next he's running away. I think i freaked him out a bit at the show last week. he caught on that something was up and he didnt hang out near me after we had a spat because i told him i would walk with him and he said i didnt have to follow him. And said i was weird cos i was txting my bro while we were in the same venue. I couldnt tell him why my bro wasnt hanging with us, it would've been too embarrassing so i lied and said we were fighting. I don't think he believed me, and so i feel like a jerk cos i could've totally taken that moment and admitted what was really going on. But sadly i couldn't bring myself to tell him the real reason. So i fucked up royally with him and have been down on myself sense, why when i get caught in something do i have to automatically lie? Why couldn't i just tell him why my bro wasnt chilling with us.
I just feel so lost because i can't crack his walls, he won't let me get to know him and its not from a lack of trying. I think i can trust him and that scares the crap out of me, cos as everyone knows i have a hard time trusting anyone, let alone a dude. But fuck whatever its not like this drama will fix itself any time soon, we've been playing this game for a yr. So my patterns are repeating once again yayness.......... time for bed

oh wow

Ok so I've got it bad.... I should just end there but after last night, and what people supposedly asked my bro and my sister, I can't ignore our connections. Ronan pretty much has my heart I wish when I was around him I didnt get epically stupid. But yeh he does that to me, i guess that action is mutual cos he says stupid stuff too lol.

I dont want to rush things with him, wait yeh i do but i know he is chivalrous and i think hes kinda prude, im not saying that im not, but i think i got a step up on him against prudeness. Like i wish he would just tell me what he thinks, if he wants to play old school he should tell me first right? I think once he gets a job and is able to take me out he'll change his tune, so Im trying not to freak out, especially after last night when everyone said duh we know what's going on with you two. One of you have to make a move, and I dont want to be aggro so i have to say that I can't be the one to go first.

Altho im a sneaky bastard and gave him his 1rst bday card! And it was cute he took it back to his car so it wouldnt get ruined, that made me go AWW that he didnt want it damaged. Then he let me buy him a shot again, at least he's letting me do that he gets mad sometimes but meh he can deal its really all i get to buy him. I sound so high school in this sentence im a little scared!! Does liking someone tremendously do that to just about everyone?? Then i girlified myself out, just how much? I painted my nails i'll state for the record i like i painting my nails but because of my work they peel so fast i never do it. He got the painted nails cos I wanted to dress nice for his birthday.

He makes me giddy like a school girl and that really creeps me out lol, because i am an adult yet when im around him i feel elementary all over, i cant say anything intelligable and i do listen to what he says but i get so lost just space out lol.

its weird everyone in our group now asks me about him, where is he at did you talk to him recently, are you 2 together. its just im usually only tied to my sister and my brother. So its like we're already together in everyone elses eyes, we have a cheering section! Altho i wouldnt mind if the cheering section closest to him told him to make a move or something lol. No that would be pushing him and idk if he is ready for anything besides continuous flirty stuff lol.. which he is so cute lol... *gush entered here*

It was crazy last night no one from our group came up and talked with me and him cos we were standing off to the side, it really was date like because most people kept their distance, and they all get +1 xp for not staring this time. Altho i was embarasssed when my friends mom asked my brother if me a ronan were together! It shocked me cos i don't think anyone asks them that, well except Z asked mark once. Its like im finding out everyone is talking about us and asking my sibs if ronan and i are together cos we're elementary lol.
ok i have to stop here or its gonna be bigger gush city and i don't know how much i can really say right now that isnt a repeat......