wow............

Im such an idiot. I've completely fucked up everything that was good in my life. I ruined my best friendships and I feel like the monster i was trying not to become. So Ronan and I are finished hardcore, I understand his position and obviously missed all his real signals, cos seriously i thought he liked me, liked me. And he thought i was kinda stalkerish..oops my bad :( I should just learn not to fall so hard, but yeh its my downfall on every single fucking guy why i thought he would be any different, i don't know. These past 7 months have made me realise how fucked up i really am and how nothing can fix me. No one can help me, not anymore. I'm glad i only wasted a year and a half trying to get to know him, and now he is leaving the state thanx for being my friend and telling me. I'm not angry at him really, i know i come on aggressive all the time, so nothing new, just he actually gave me feedback on me being a freak.. I know he was trying to be nice but i should've opened my damned eyes and saw what was in front of me, not what i wanted it to be.

Also, i've messed up everything even with people i do love and care about, I'm just surrounded by so much black and anger and yeh lets just throw more fuel on that fucking fire. I want to watch my soul and my heart burn to the crispy black it feels like they should be. I was thinking the other day that I was so glad i didn't kill myself, because i have some wonderful friends and family. And then i wondered why i'm making them suffer with me, why am i so damn selfish? why am i such a pussy that i can't just fix everything. Now i have no will to fix fucking anything! Truth be told I've begged for death to take me for as long as i remember, i pray for the love of god i don't wake up tomorrow.. sadly i will like i do every day. only now im dead inside and there is so resurrection of the heart that used to beat here. FUCK MY LIFE, there is no hope no faith, no GOD only hell.

Late Night Ramblings

Ok so Im a smidge bored, i can't seem to keep my focus on anything for long periods of time lately. Must be some spastic ADD kicking in or something lol. And its not like i'm out of stuff to do, i guess i'm just bored with the things I always do. even after being away from most of my apps for a month or longer most are caught up and i dont have the same conviction to keeping them. Altho scrabble is the only one i make sure i check on a daily basis, cos yeh im trying really hard to be good at the game, but still fall short; my scores are improving tho but not enough to beat my opponents lol. Anyway i guess i just felt like posting about my crazy mind again tonight, i'm still having dark periods every day where the anger just grabs ahold of me, but i feel better because that i have been trying to do the praying thing. I hope God does hear me some days i just pray to tell him hi. I figured i used to only pray to him when i wanted something for myself, and i mean how selfish could i be when so many other people actually need his miracles. So now i actually pray for those around me a lot more!!
I'm just hoping that i can find a happy medium in my life, I did go through with my seeing about a boy thing and ive noticed things are opening up more, still more work to be done there, but every encounter makes for a better day the next. I am trying to harness patience and so far i haven't plunged off the deep end for being a bit reserved, so i take it as a good sign that i'm on the right path :) I need to realise i'm not the only one with dark in their life and that others need advice and understanding as well, so once again with open eyes i'm observing, i'm learning.
I just wish i knew how to talk to people and confidently say what i would like to, i know it takes practice but it so doesn't help when the person i want to talk to most renders me speechless lol. Naw i take it as a good sign that someone can make me that retarded and still be a great friend. I mean we had a moment the other night that still makes me smile today and thats something i will hold onto for awhile. I even told him it was awesome!!! Well ok im starting to gush i'm signing off now lol

Urgh i'm so done right now

Urgh I am so sick and tired these past two weeks have been rough I won't lie.. After talking to my boss I feel a little better, I thought she would be so pissed that I failed and end audit, which means my displays and crap like that weren't signed.. The store manager has been less than understanding about the fact that I'm at my wits end i'm ready to take a 24 hr nap and just catch up on massive amounts of lost sleep.

Yeh dude told me i'm pretty much his skapegoat if he doesn't get transferred like he has been planning to. I interpreted that as he will make my life a living hell, I know it could be worse but I already feel like i'm working at a prison/concentration camp. I spite him by asking God if he is Hitlers' reincarnation, i know that isnt nice but this man i swear has some devil in him, horrible man. I'm under the assumption that he has multiple personalities cos there are days where he can be the nicest person and then every other day he's an asshole.

The funny thing at least to me is that he doesn't yell at me like he does everyone else, like he tries to use this stern i'm in charge voice and yes i hate confrontation so i do back down a bit, but he has also seen my angry side and yes i am psychotic i have no problem letting people know when i'm pissed; most of the time they just have to look at my face and people get out of my way like i'm an oncoming freight train. :) i have really bad anger issues and its not something people should test to see how far they can push me, its not pretty.. when i get the black vision over my eyes and the rage takes over i'm not me anymore, it is intimidating i wont lie.

i was so upset that i had myself in tears, i hate crying but i refuse to cry in front of that man, he is a chovenist pig and uses tears as a weapon. My tears come from anger and possibly fear if he tries to fire me, even though i tried my hardest the past 2 weeks and have only 2 days left and am 100% happy theyre 4 hrs or under days :) I txtd my boss and told her what happened so on Monday if he just happens to call her into his office she won't be bitch slapped by the fact he thinks i suck at my job lol.. well now i'm more relaxed and hope i can sleep some yesterday i was in a state of insomnia its horrid lol..

this is the reason for my turnaround

I wrote this last week and never posted it, but it was because of this blog that was my eye opener time to wake up moment.. Everyone takes the happy moments in life for granted, for people like me I take whatever happy moment is there and put a death grip on it. I wish there was one day where something didn't always bum me out. I am seriously trying to be happy and i beg for people to understand me.

WTF- 7/11/11

The one time I really want to write a blog the damn site is deciding to be a douche so I im gonna write a document and post later lol.

Ok to say that last night it plaguing me is an understatement nothing went as planned don't know why im surprised nothing ever goes the way I plan. I wish I wasn't so OCD where I could just be spontaneous but I even have to plan the initiative to be risky. I am one fucked up individual, but I guess im just upset because I thought for a minute I could actually explain myself and my actions to Ronan of all people and yeh that was a flop. I went to tell him what was going on and instead I could feel him freaking out and so I had to abridge everything. Empath sucks sometimes, he was acting so distant towards me last night, and he hurt my feelings a little when I was going outside to have a smoke I told him I would be right back cos I had re found him and wanted to talk with him when I came back inside and he was like you don't Have to hang with me. And I did get assertive and said I don't HAVE to do anything I want to hang with you. But I felt rebuffed after that, I couldn't even concentrate at work, cos yeh now I feel like i'm this giant freak show; and the one person I thought would understand me is running full force the other way. I think I fucked this up so so so bad, why am I always the underdog? Why can't I for once just not be unlucky in my life? This is why I need to get away I feel so isolated already, I wish I could just shrivel up and disappear.

I see now the hermit thing isnt gonna work but its not that anyone will listen to why I need some time for me, I only told a couple people about needing time off and it got blown out of proportion, i'm not leaving the scene for good I just need some down time. People think I'm crazy for going to shows on nights that I have to work, and lately with my depression flaring out of control, i'm starting to think that maybe I am putting too much on my plate. I really love music and I wish I had the time and means to go to everybody's shows but I can't and I know people think im blowing them off but im starting to go down hill. This was my place to go to vent and now I can't even hide here, I never thought my excessive bitching would draw fans.

My goals are quite simple for the next couple of months save money for this procedure I want done by the end of next year altho it might take a year or 2 to save money for it, and then to pay off my massive debt, and then to pay for counseling cos yeh I can't hack it on my own like i've been telling myself I could. I need to be more proactive on exercising and its really hard because all I do is work and im exhausted and just want to black out for days. I planned to do that today cos I was practically passing out at work but 5 hrs of sleeping and I woke up with a migraine, but I didn't feel good last night at Glass. I should've notice that my body was gearing up for something. I have been quite tired lately which was my cue that the depression was back full swing. I haven't had 14 hr sleeping days since I was in high school, I remember when I was 13 and I would sleep from the time I got home from school through dinner and all the way till the next morning. I would be up at 430am cramming all my homework in before having to catch the bus.

This is that same feeling where im trying to cram in stuff in around before going to work and coming home and crashing until I have to get up to go to work again. I haven't been eating right because i've been out cold. And yes i'm an idiot I keep forgetting to take my meds so I tried an experiment for at least 2 weeks maybe more of not taking my pills and I just want it documented im screwed im gonna have to take this crap til I die, its not fair. Why did I get this extreme depression? I'm not bi-polar but i'm not uni-polar so what the hell does that classify me as... the fucking freak of nature. Once again I defy everything that I could be categorized as, I fit no molds and yet im still just another head case or something.

I've come to a conclusion that maybe I shouldn't let anyone near me, if I let someone love me, even Ronan; I could screw them up for good, i'm all over the place and I can't control my thoughts or emotions, how can I ask them to deal with me? I wish the simple answer was to lock me in a mental ward for awhile yet im poor I could never afford to take the time off work because I got massive debts to pay, and people would think I was just blowing them off, and disown my friendship. Every solution is a disaster because it would piss everyone else off, and of course because of the empath crap I care about what happens to those around me.. hence why suicide is always in my brain but never executed, well that and I hate physical pain, if I could endure the amount of physical pain that was equal to the mental/emotional pain i've endured; I would be in trouble. But no don't worry kiddies I promise to be a good girl and pretend i'm superfantabulous because that's whats expected. So I shall be the greatest actress on the planet and pretend that everyone doesn't hurt me and that I can't sense the emotions flowing out of every single one of you. (smile. Must keep head up. Pose. smile)

'Its a boy, girl thing'

I am scared right now, I'm deciding to be super brave for once in my life. Why cos I gotta see about a boy. I'm begging you God to please give me the strength to do what I need to do :) I realise that I've been so scared to tell people or one person the truth that I've been hiding behind myself. I have talked to a couple people about my current dilemma and realise that people are rooting for me so much right now. I need to focusing because you can miss so much from being scared. If you never give that cute girl your number or smile at that boy you could miss a whole lifetime of happiness. At this point in time I blame Mark and possibly Sami they've been trying to give me confidence this past month. And I think finally this girl has got a bit to go on, now i just have to have a little faith that God knows what he is doing too.

I know i seem less christian and perhaps a bit agnostic, i believe i'm just confused a little lost, there is love and hope and even peace surrounding us all and we need to accept that.. No matter how normal or weird we may seem that if we accept that as ourselves then anything is possible. There is no way to truly fit in everywhere, some people fit in as jocks others fit in as goths or maybe the quiet skater or the cheerleader. Can you think if your roles were reversed but you knew what you were like before, would you seriously say that it wouldn't have an impact??

I am the quiet punk/skater/goth/thugger girl who just happens to be weird. Sometimes i feel like i don't fit anywhere but ya know what these past couple of months I've finally met people who don't care about my style but accept me for the freaky weird girl i am. I am Not my voice, I am not what i wear. I am Emily the girl who has ambition, I am the girl who loves music because its epic, I am the girl who loves to dream because dreams give you inspiration and motivation. I am Emily damn it and I will not be forsaken anymore, I love this boy and I am no longer afraid of the freak that I am. I finally after 30 years of life can say I 100% accept the girl GOD made me to be.. I accept all the bad and all the good that has paved my life and I will overcome everything that has ever shot me down and I will pray to God every day for the life that he has given me, because if i would've succeeded when i was 15 yrs old I would've never met the most amazing people that I know today. I love you all and I, I think i love myself.

a moment to pause 6/29/11

Hi!!!

I'm actually in a great mood today and that scares me just a bit. I know i have the occasional blog that isn't all poor me, this is one of them :) I know for my sanity that I have to leave the scene for a bit, but amazing enough originally I was gonna walk away and never come back. But i realise i will miss it extremely, but i think also that i'm scared because that I don't have a lot of street cred if you will. I just need to take the next 2 months and work on me, if i can lose some weight and also just refocus on writing new material and lyrics, i think i could bring my confidence up a couple of steps.

Being drastic has always been my calling card so of course i was being all drama queen at being hurt by my friends, but i realise the pressure they too are under but its when that pressure gets to be too much you need to turn to friends.

I may not have too many friends close by but i know who has my back sorta lol. I just wonder what Gods plan is for each of us and i wonder why i just can't bring myself to trust in a divine being. Not saying that i don't believe in fate and stuff but is there something else that controls our free will?

Then someone asked if i believed all this ascension stuff i don't think i do, but im hoping if it does happen and people are saved by God I hope he takes care of all the angels w/o wings in my life. There are too many awesome people out there who have on many occassions saved me from myself and proved that real friends will talk you into clarity.

I know i dog myself a lot, i guess its hard to feel worthy of light when i've been so lost in the dark for so long, but it really helps knowing that I am not alone and even if i don't feel worthy of my life, someone out there finds me worthy. Still dont know who posted that comment but i try to remember that on a daily basis that obviously my friends and family find me worthy of acceptance or we wouldn't be friends. So i close this by saying i may be WEIRD and a little FREAKY but i'm me and thanks to everyone who gets me. :)

wow took time off from my chaos...

And now I'm back, cos yeh my life is one big doozy. I'm trying to act like I can cope with my crappy state of mind but its a lot harder than it looks kiddies. I'm definitely losing my marbles practically one at a time, and I don't think they'll be coming back. I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless, like with Pillaging gone there is relief but also a giant void, I can't recall if i felt this after Merje cos yeh both bands lasted 2 years and BOOM, just done. I think I have to walk away from music for a bit maybe to gain some sanity, perhaps not but I've made that decision, and not lightly by any means.

My plan is simple tell the select few about my 2nd facebook acct and then transfer them over and abandon the person I have been for a while. I am done persuing Ronan he is driving me completely insane because I really can't be any more obvious when I'm with him, yet either he is that oblivious or he doesn't care. It plagues me to kinda walk away from him, because sadly i think i love him and I HATE admitting that at all. Because he thinks I'm nice and thoughtful and even when I told him that I care about him he just said thank you?! WTF man what do you think I mean when i say that i care and worry about your ass all the time.

ok breathe I didn't want this to be a curse fest should be proud I'm trying not to curse like a sailor today. But yeh this last downfall has just caused me to not trust anyone around me, i can't believe people who I thought were my friends, didn't even give me a chance. No, because I'm not skinny or pretty or well known, no because I haven't been in any big bands in this damn scene. Not on talent alone but because of my image. So my plan is to take these couple of months and not see the people I have grown to despise, and to focus on my ultimate goal to possibly, like the person staring back at me. Altho its been hell the last 25 years and I've never been told by anyone that I'm acceptable always the freak of nature. Well this weird ass freak of nature is gonna do what she does and always has done best... Hide.

Don't get me wrong I'm not ending my life trust me i'm too pansy to, but I need to get away from this persona of a rock star that never was, I've tried since I was 12 or 13 to tell people I'm a great musician and not just me but Jenna as well and still to this day people don't believe what we say. We are never given a break no matter how hard we try. So she too is walking away for her I sense that she might not come back and just work on her craft on the side, she's been playing her guitar again. But now Tiva is her #1 and she doesn't want to lose her daughter. But i can't do projects without her, and not because I don't have the talent.. Its because I can't keep time and every time i audition for new projects i look like an idiot. So instead of fill myself with embarrassment i've decided to quit. I will find something else I'm good at, I will read the 20+ plus books sitting next to my bed, I will become thin again, and I will become the highest Magus Wizard on 101, i don't care about FFXI i hate playing by myself its just absolutely boring, and the whole reason I started at all was because Mark and Mom wanted something to share with me, yet i get to share nothing with them. I haven't partied with them on there for almost a year it seems, cos they have all their other friends, why play with a low level n00b.

Yeh anger it runs through me at alarming rates these days, I fear all those people whom i thought were evil are just normal, and i'm the monster. I really do hate people and I'm sick of pretending to be social cos yeh i really suck at it, so even tho Mark vows to get me out there to meet new people, the problem is i don't want to meet anyone. The last 10 years has been hell enough with the friendships i thought i gained only to have some (not all) of them just rip me down. I felt like one of the cool kids for once, but deep down i will always be the nerd girl trying to fit in somewhere I don't belong. The charade is up my friends i'm hoping i can gain some self respect instead of relying on people who are fake like acid tasting sugar. So now i vented and i'm logging off because really everything else is repeatative. Altho I still feel betrayed i never even got a chance, and that is all.