In Need of Faith

Wow talk about feeling hopeless, my life in the last month has just taken a downward spiral. I am not happy about any aspect of my life. I've been upset because I chose to move back into my dad's house, because its something I need to do for myself mainly as a precaution for myself. I just feel sad because Mark and mom are devastated and it hurts me a lot to see them both so upset. I love them they are my adopted family and they've cared for me this past yr, but there are demons inside me that I can no longer harbor on my own.. I need my sister and my dad, they've helped me not explode in the past; otherwise I will have to look into permanent help. I'm scared of what my mind contemplates, even though i know im too scared to actually go through with the thoughts they're still there and getting sicker by the day. I wish for once i had my sister's tolerance for pain, and that isn't a good thing.

Then there's Ronan I never thought someone could hurt me so bad, and its weird the first week after he hurt my feelings i wasnt actually too upset but as each week progresses i get more and more pissed. I guess its because my mind won't shut up. I could've swore he liked me back and for once I felt like someone understood me, because he made me not feel like the freak that i am. I know he thinks differently than others and maybe that was the initial attraction, because he wasnt a sheep like everyone else. HA! no he may think on a different level but he is one of the sheep, why because he is like every other doucher out there. Because i'm not skinny or pretty enough there was no attraction. Story of my life, then why does it hurt so bad? because i can name every guy since 1rst grade who broke a piece of my heart. And Ronan? he shattered what spirit I had left, because I wasnt going to go after him but couldn't help it.

I now know I can't trust anyone not like that is a surprise, but I just feel so alienated from everyone around me, like i'm just going through the motions that people expect from me. I just have no real intention to care anymore, im so bored with every aspect of my life, I wish i could return to being everyone else's shadow and that no one knew who i was. it would make life so much easier and mundane, can i have that back please? Don't get me wrong I love all my friends, and show accquaintances, but im just not happy being social anymore; if there was a way to be silent i'd rather do that. I'm sick of people asking me if i found a band yet. The answer is no, because i'm not known enough for people to give a fuck or even a fair chance, so stop Fucking asking. I tried posting in some scene forums on facebook, no one replied. I'm just this dorky ass girl who supports everyone else thats what i do, and i'm so awesome for doing it yay me.

I just hate everything and i don't know what to do now, I'm so sick of being on this forsaken planet and i despise waking up every day.. i pray to GOD one day he will hear me, but yeh right i'm not spiritual enough. sadistic bitch, thats all i got. I just don't give a flying fuck anymore, the anger has overtaken even the sadness and regret that have plagued me forever and a day. there is only hatred nothing else. that is where i end this cos i couldnt care if people worry about me, they never care when i worry about them so whats the different exchange worth?

A Breath of Fresh Air

So to say I was upset the other day would be an understatement. I was feral, I couldn't believe someone would stoop to destroy what spirit I had left. It hurt, it hurt so bad that it was like the air was punched out of my lungs MMA style. I have an over active imagination so I can actually picture the hole it should've left in my chest. I'm still slightly confused about what is going on, but I figured out a couple of things. Yes I may have been a bit smothering but its only because I was trying hard to be a friend, get to know him, so that I could be there for him. I don't think I'm the only one in the situation that can be applied overzealous since he too hunted me down a couple of times in the past. Also if me and Mark aren't practically hand in hand, he always asks where Mark is, like that i'm tethered to him yeh? Then the one time I wasn't able to be found you know he asked Mark where I was right after he told me not to be around him; I was in the pit taking out some aggression, I do that from time to time, cos being treated like a freak still to this day has its affects.

That was the first time he made it clear I wasnt to be near him, he only said the line 2 other times, and both times I didn't realise I had been invading his space. Damn I only see him once maybe twice a month and he isn't really a friend we don't hang outside the music scene. How else am I supposed to be his friend? randomly txt him to say hi? Won't happen again for sure I decided if he wants to be just accquaintences he's gone and done it. I erased his email, his number and I wish i could be a bitch and un-friend him cos guarenteed I will be highly uncomfortable around him forever more. I'm not sure how we will be able to stay friends, because friends hang around each other, and I will say hi maybe give him a hug, but then i'll run away so fast. I know from these words it seems harsh but I'm seriously afraid to see him in 3 weeks, because I told him I liked him; if he knew me at all then he would know i don't want to fuck, I don't want commitment, I'm not asking to date him because ah I DON'T date. I don't trust guys not one bit. I don't want to be intimate with anyone its too dangerous to let ones guard down that much, and no I never fantasied about a wedding day or a husband and little brats running around. The only fantasy I've had my entire life was music. Besides my family its my only love, the emotions i pour over my music is enough to blow up a fucking wedding cake.

No I won't give it up to a guy and no I'm not attracted to girls, I sometimes like to wear skirts and dresses but most of the time I just like being comfortable. I am the definition of punk - I don't like oppression whether it be my religion, my political views, my fashion, my demeanor, or my look. I'm one of those people who will wear something one day because I like it and something different tomorrow. I am the ultimate Weirdo/ Freak... I'm sorry i noticed that you were appalled by my hair you are shallow and vepid like every other male out there. The look you had on your face when I walked into the Gothic with my short blue hair said it all. I wore my hair with dignity and passion, because its what I do. Hair grows back but respect is a lot harder to fix.

I don't care if people agree with me cutting my hair, because it is empowering for me to be strong enough to cause a stir and know that I still have the wild streak in me. I know its time to make a stand and not do what people want or expect of me, but what i expect of myself. And because seriously if I'm stuck in this hell, i have to take care of me and mine. That means paying off my 10k of debt paying the last 3.5k of my car loan that I'm proud to say is in my name with my credit. I work so hard to be able to help people out, I've been so many peoples' sugar mama over the yr. To the lovers who like to drink too much and beg a beer off of everyone at every show, to the brother who is having the worse time trying to find a job in this shit economy, to my sister who works her ass off and reaps no rewards even to help her daughter, to the injured man whom I thought i would help out cos he was my friend and is having a hard time with stuff. The only person I want to pay me back is my sister she owes me quite a bit.

For everyone else i don't ask to be paid back, i did things for those i love and care about because they needed it at the time. I do have a heart no matter how black and dead it feels. its broken into billions of pieces has been since i was a kid, yet it still wants to beat, even against my will. Im not going to pretend that i didn't extend myself among my means but i don't regret it either. These past years have been times to remember and also times to forget, i have a horrible memory its hereditary or something or maybe its all the stress of illness on my part i'm not sure anymore.

Yes i am manic i hate taking meds because i just don't feel they work, although without them i get delusional and think i feel things i don't, i judge people harshly and it comes out of years of distrust. Doesn't mean i don't love my family and friends, but i do condescend each and every one of you, wondering if you've gotten from me what you needed and if my contract expired. I know lately I don't call or txt or write to anyone and its because i am feeling emo, i don't want to be around people, i just want to forget my time on the stage or in the scene and become part of the shadows again. It was lonely there but it was safe, now i feel too exposed in a world that chooses to tear me down every chance it gets. So yes i'm losing my mind I want to put myself in the hospital, those around me say like hell they'd let me.. then reality is i can't afford to take off from work and stuff to do so. Then i get frustrated because i simply just want to vanish and breathe my own air for once. Be my own. And right now i'm a lost soul i don't know where i'm headed or where i want to go, i don't know who i am anymore. I just want to find out who i am, and i don't know where to start. Why? because i don't know who to trust to help me. I don't want people to tell me what i should do because then im not me, but then again im so lost i don't know about anything anymore.

I know there are so many people who have been where I'm at yet i don't feel comforted by that, they've been there but I am not them i may not come out of this darkness the way they did; I may not be as strong or mentally able enough to pull through, i don't even care some days. Half the time i feel that people only say that as a jest because they don't know what else to really say. it gets so repeatative to hear the words "I Know How You Feel" I am guilty of those words myself and I wonder how many people think I'm catty for saying just that to them. I wish that half the time i knew what to say to make people feel better and being a broken empath that maybe the feelings would come, but no i can't tell when people aren't being honest to me, i can tell when there is tension and i can tell when everything is for show and not necessarily for caring. Its a downfall of this gift/ curse whatever it is. I don't like to tell people that im a freaked out empath because feeling emotions isnt all i can do, and to explain what i can do weirds people out. Most people don't know because they'd think i was demonic or something, but i often wonder if its angelic (half the time i doubt it) but why would god give me a specialty and then give me no esteem to use it correctly. How am i supposed to help people on emotional energies its the most absurd thing i've ever heard. I can't heal with my mind or my hands.. no i calm people down but only on a one on one basis.. And even then i feel like if people actually knew how i calmed them down in a blink of an eye i would be looked at like a freak. The sad part is i call my gift the Rogue syndrome- because on a usual basis i need skin contact. There has only been one incident where skin contact wasnt required, and it was scary. I think im gonna start wearing my hand gloves, because as little contact as possible would be better than none at all.

I should end this here because now you all who read this know my imperfection and will over think it next time you are near me and even be afraid of me. That is how fear is made.

wow............

Im such an idiot. I've completely fucked up everything that was good in my life. I ruined my best friendships and I feel like the monster i was trying not to become. So Ronan and I are finished hardcore, I understand his position and obviously missed all his real signals, cos seriously i thought he liked me, liked me. And he thought i was kinda stalkerish..oops my bad :( I should just learn not to fall so hard, but yeh its my downfall on every single fucking guy why i thought he would be any different, i don't know. These past 7 months have made me realise how fucked up i really am and how nothing can fix me. No one can help me, not anymore. I'm glad i only wasted a year and a half trying to get to know him, and now he is leaving the state thanx for being my friend and telling me. I'm not angry at him really, i know i come on aggressive all the time, so nothing new, just he actually gave me feedback on me being a freak.. I know he was trying to be nice but i should've opened my damned eyes and saw what was in front of me, not what i wanted it to be.

Also, i've messed up everything even with people i do love and care about, I'm just surrounded by so much black and anger and yeh lets just throw more fuel on that fucking fire. I want to watch my soul and my heart burn to the crispy black it feels like they should be. I was thinking the other day that I was so glad i didn't kill myself, because i have some wonderful friends and family. And then i wondered why i'm making them suffer with me, why am i so damn selfish? why am i such a pussy that i can't just fix everything. Now i have no will to fix fucking anything! Truth be told I've begged for death to take me for as long as i remember, i pray for the love of god i don't wake up tomorrow.. sadly i will like i do every day. only now im dead inside and there is so resurrection of the heart that used to beat here. FUCK MY LIFE, there is no hope no faith, no GOD only hell.

Late Night Ramblings

Ok so Im a smidge bored, i can't seem to keep my focus on anything for long periods of time lately. Must be some spastic ADD kicking in or something lol. And its not like i'm out of stuff to do, i guess i'm just bored with the things I always do. even after being away from most of my apps for a month or longer most are caught up and i dont have the same conviction to keeping them. Altho scrabble is the only one i make sure i check on a daily basis, cos yeh im trying really hard to be good at the game, but still fall short; my scores are improving tho but not enough to beat my opponents lol. Anyway i guess i just felt like posting about my crazy mind again tonight, i'm still having dark periods every day where the anger just grabs ahold of me, but i feel better because that i have been trying to do the praying thing. I hope God does hear me some days i just pray to tell him hi. I figured i used to only pray to him when i wanted something for myself, and i mean how selfish could i be when so many other people actually need his miracles. So now i actually pray for those around me a lot more!!
I'm just hoping that i can find a happy medium in my life, I did go through with my seeing about a boy thing and ive noticed things are opening up more, still more work to be done there, but every encounter makes for a better day the next. I am trying to harness patience and so far i haven't plunged off the deep end for being a bit reserved, so i take it as a good sign that i'm on the right path :) I need to realise i'm not the only one with dark in their life and that others need advice and understanding as well, so once again with open eyes i'm observing, i'm learning.
I just wish i knew how to talk to people and confidently say what i would like to, i know it takes practice but it so doesn't help when the person i want to talk to most renders me speechless lol. Naw i take it as a good sign that someone can make me that retarded and still be a great friend. I mean we had a moment the other night that still makes me smile today and thats something i will hold onto for awhile. I even told him it was awesome!!! Well ok im starting to gush i'm signing off now lol

Urgh i'm so done right now

Urgh I am so sick and tired these past two weeks have been rough I won't lie.. After talking to my boss I feel a little better, I thought she would be so pissed that I failed and end audit, which means my displays and crap like that weren't signed.. The store manager has been less than understanding about the fact that I'm at my wits end i'm ready to take a 24 hr nap and just catch up on massive amounts of lost sleep.

Yeh dude told me i'm pretty much his skapegoat if he doesn't get transferred like he has been planning to. I interpreted that as he will make my life a living hell, I know it could be worse but I already feel like i'm working at a prison/concentration camp. I spite him by asking God if he is Hitlers' reincarnation, i know that isnt nice but this man i swear has some devil in him, horrible man. I'm under the assumption that he has multiple personalities cos there are days where he can be the nicest person and then every other day he's an asshole.

The funny thing at least to me is that he doesn't yell at me like he does everyone else, like he tries to use this stern i'm in charge voice and yes i hate confrontation so i do back down a bit, but he has also seen my angry side and yes i am psychotic i have no problem letting people know when i'm pissed; most of the time they just have to look at my face and people get out of my way like i'm an oncoming freight train. :) i have really bad anger issues and its not something people should test to see how far they can push me, its not pretty.. when i get the black vision over my eyes and the rage takes over i'm not me anymore, it is intimidating i wont lie.

i was so upset that i had myself in tears, i hate crying but i refuse to cry in front of that man, he is a chovenist pig and uses tears as a weapon. My tears come from anger and possibly fear if he tries to fire me, even though i tried my hardest the past 2 weeks and have only 2 days left and am 100% happy theyre 4 hrs or under days :) I txtd my boss and told her what happened so on Monday if he just happens to call her into his office she won't be bitch slapped by the fact he thinks i suck at my job lol.. well now i'm more relaxed and hope i can sleep some yesterday i was in a state of insomnia its horrid lol..

this is the reason for my turnaround

I wrote this last week and never posted it, but it was because of this blog that was my eye opener time to wake up moment.. Everyone takes the happy moments in life for granted, for people like me I take whatever happy moment is there and put a death grip on it. I wish there was one day where something didn't always bum me out. I am seriously trying to be happy and i beg for people to understand me.

WTF- 7/11/11

The one time I really want to write a blog the damn site is deciding to be a douche so I im gonna write a document and post later lol.

Ok to say that last night it plaguing me is an understatement nothing went as planned don't know why im surprised nothing ever goes the way I plan. I wish I wasn't so OCD where I could just be spontaneous but I even have to plan the initiative to be risky. I am one fucked up individual, but I guess im just upset because I thought for a minute I could actually explain myself and my actions to Ronan of all people and yeh that was a flop. I went to tell him what was going on and instead I could feel him freaking out and so I had to abridge everything. Empath sucks sometimes, he was acting so distant towards me last night, and he hurt my feelings a little when I was going outside to have a smoke I told him I would be right back cos I had re found him and wanted to talk with him when I came back inside and he was like you don't Have to hang with me. And I did get assertive and said I don't HAVE to do anything I want to hang with you. But I felt rebuffed after that, I couldn't even concentrate at work, cos yeh now I feel like i'm this giant freak show; and the one person I thought would understand me is running full force the other way. I think I fucked this up so so so bad, why am I always the underdog? Why can't I for once just not be unlucky in my life? This is why I need to get away I feel so isolated already, I wish I could just shrivel up and disappear.

I see now the hermit thing isnt gonna work but its not that anyone will listen to why I need some time for me, I only told a couple people about needing time off and it got blown out of proportion, i'm not leaving the scene for good I just need some down time. People think I'm crazy for going to shows on nights that I have to work, and lately with my depression flaring out of control, i'm starting to think that maybe I am putting too much on my plate. I really love music and I wish I had the time and means to go to everybody's shows but I can't and I know people think im blowing them off but im starting to go down hill. This was my place to go to vent and now I can't even hide here, I never thought my excessive bitching would draw fans.

My goals are quite simple for the next couple of months save money for this procedure I want done by the end of next year altho it might take a year or 2 to save money for it, and then to pay off my massive debt, and then to pay for counseling cos yeh I can't hack it on my own like i've been telling myself I could. I need to be more proactive on exercising and its really hard because all I do is work and im exhausted and just want to black out for days. I planned to do that today cos I was practically passing out at work but 5 hrs of sleeping and I woke up with a migraine, but I didn't feel good last night at Glass. I should've notice that my body was gearing up for something. I have been quite tired lately which was my cue that the depression was back full swing. I haven't had 14 hr sleeping days since I was in high school, I remember when I was 13 and I would sleep from the time I got home from school through dinner and all the way till the next morning. I would be up at 430am cramming all my homework in before having to catch the bus.

This is that same feeling where im trying to cram in stuff in around before going to work and coming home and crashing until I have to get up to go to work again. I haven't been eating right because i've been out cold. And yes i'm an idiot I keep forgetting to take my meds so I tried an experiment for at least 2 weeks maybe more of not taking my pills and I just want it documented im screwed im gonna have to take this crap til I die, its not fair. Why did I get this extreme depression? I'm not bi-polar but i'm not uni-polar so what the hell does that classify me as... the fucking freak of nature. Once again I defy everything that I could be categorized as, I fit no molds and yet im still just another head case or something.

I've come to a conclusion that maybe I shouldn't let anyone near me, if I let someone love me, even Ronan; I could screw them up for good, i'm all over the place and I can't control my thoughts or emotions, how can I ask them to deal with me? I wish the simple answer was to lock me in a mental ward for awhile yet im poor I could never afford to take the time off work because I got massive debts to pay, and people would think I was just blowing them off, and disown my friendship. Every solution is a disaster because it would piss everyone else off, and of course because of the empath crap I care about what happens to those around me.. hence why suicide is always in my brain but never executed, well that and I hate physical pain, if I could endure the amount of physical pain that was equal to the mental/emotional pain i've endured; I would be in trouble. But no don't worry kiddies I promise to be a good girl and pretend i'm superfantabulous because that's whats expected. So I shall be the greatest actress on the planet and pretend that everyone doesn't hurt me and that I can't sense the emotions flowing out of every single one of you. (smile. Must keep head up. Pose. smile)

'Its a boy, girl thing'

I am scared right now, I'm deciding to be super brave for once in my life. Why cos I gotta see about a boy. I'm begging you God to please give me the strength to do what I need to do :) I realise that I've been so scared to tell people or one person the truth that I've been hiding behind myself. I have talked to a couple people about my current dilemma and realise that people are rooting for me so much right now. I need to focusing because you can miss so much from being scared. If you never give that cute girl your number or smile at that boy you could miss a whole lifetime of happiness. At this point in time I blame Mark and possibly Sami they've been trying to give me confidence this past month. And I think finally this girl has got a bit to go on, now i just have to have a little faith that God knows what he is doing too.

I know i seem less christian and perhaps a bit agnostic, i believe i'm just confused a little lost, there is love and hope and even peace surrounding us all and we need to accept that.. No matter how normal or weird we may seem that if we accept that as ourselves then anything is possible. There is no way to truly fit in everywhere, some people fit in as jocks others fit in as goths or maybe the quiet skater or the cheerleader. Can you think if your roles were reversed but you knew what you were like before, would you seriously say that it wouldn't have an impact??

I am the quiet punk/skater/goth/thugger girl who just happens to be weird. Sometimes i feel like i don't fit anywhere but ya know what these past couple of months I've finally met people who don't care about my style but accept me for the freaky weird girl i am. I am Not my voice, I am not what i wear. I am Emily the girl who has ambition, I am the girl who loves music because its epic, I am the girl who loves to dream because dreams give you inspiration and motivation. I am Emily damn it and I will not be forsaken anymore, I love this boy and I am no longer afraid of the freak that I am. I finally after 30 years of life can say I 100% accept the girl GOD made me to be.. I accept all the bad and all the good that has paved my life and I will overcome everything that has ever shot me down and I will pray to God every day for the life that he has given me, because if i would've succeeded when i was 15 yrs old I would've never met the most amazing people that I know today. I love you all and I, I think i love myself.