Wow here i am again, always late at night... and always thinking too damn much lol.. I was just reading back posts because i get lazy and forget to update my soap opera. And now yay i always have more to add lol. Not only can't i get 'V' outta my head, now i have a new subject lol.. we shall call him 'J' because i don't want to use his real initials too obvious. Its what i said i can never just like one guy at a time and again this new guy is outta my reach once again.
I feel so lost anymore, because I seriously don't understand why i get so obsessed with guys, like i want them but i don't. I think its just that i've always been lonely in that department and they're so hot its like a gravitational pull. I wish that i could somehow turn it off and just be peaceful for even 2 minutes.
I don't know exactly how to phrase my thoughts these days, cos they're so lost in translation. I need a code breaker so that i could understand what it is that i'm thinking and what it is that those around me are thinking. I wish i could just get over myself and tell everyone how i feel. But again after recent events i now and forever choose to keep my mouth shut.
Events that caused this final decision is this, i am right now happy that i don't see 'V' much, it would be awkward which i have to claim that seeing him recently was a kick in the teeth. I know i'm reading more into what's not there but no one else saw his face. And the hurt that i'm the one that put it there. I'm kinda upset because i saw him a couple times that day but wasn't sure if it was him so i just ignored that my head was screaming that it was him all along. I went to a show and i was scared because i was pretty sure him or his friends would be there. I was bracing for a confrontation, because i know all his friends think i'm a groupie or just really stupid. Again speculation. Anyways during my fave band i was rockin out and i saw my friend next to the pit and thought it would be funny to mosh him from behind. After i ran into him i backed up and got ready to turn to go back to where i was standing. And who should i see across the pit 'V' and the look of oh shit its the crazy chick just spread across his face, like the biggest disappointment ever. At that point i wasn't feelin it anymore, and if i didn't enjoy that band so much i would've left then.
The horrible thing is deeply i wanted to run into him so i could talk to him even tho in reality he would've blown me off hardcore. I freaked out and went with the original plan that after the band played i would have to leave for work.. i probably could've stayed for the next band and still made it to work on time, but my mind was made up i wanted to run from the building like it was on fire. I am also fighting myself today because he has an event coming up and i want to go, but i probably won't. I'm not a stalker after all. urgh its just so frustrating cos i don't think people are being straight with me. like my friend 'N' i believe he's been hanging with 'V' and his friends and that's why he's being shady with me. Can't prove that obviously but the suspicion is there.
Man i really need to write my feelings more these huge posts are an eyesore to read later. But i always back read so i know what i've already pointed out compared to my new dilemmas that crawl to life later.
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