wow took time off from my chaos...

And now I'm back, cos yeh my life is one big doozy. I'm trying to act like I can cope with my crappy state of mind but its a lot harder than it looks kiddies. I'm definitely losing my marbles practically one at a time, and I don't think they'll be coming back. I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless, like with Pillaging gone there is relief but also a giant void, I can't recall if i felt this after Merje cos yeh both bands lasted 2 years and BOOM, just done. I think I have to walk away from music for a bit maybe to gain some sanity, perhaps not but I've made that decision, and not lightly by any means.

My plan is simple tell the select few about my 2nd facebook acct and then transfer them over and abandon the person I have been for a while. I am done persuing Ronan he is driving me completely insane because I really can't be any more obvious when I'm with him, yet either he is that oblivious or he doesn't care. It plagues me to kinda walk away from him, because sadly i think i love him and I HATE admitting that at all. Because he thinks I'm nice and thoughtful and even when I told him that I care about him he just said thank you?! WTF man what do you think I mean when i say that i care and worry about your ass all the time.

ok breathe I didn't want this to be a curse fest should be proud I'm trying not to curse like a sailor today. But yeh this last downfall has just caused me to not trust anyone around me, i can't believe people who I thought were my friends, didn't even give me a chance. No, because I'm not skinny or pretty or well known, no because I haven't been in any big bands in this damn scene. Not on talent alone but because of my image. So my plan is to take these couple of months and not see the people I have grown to despise, and to focus on my ultimate goal to possibly, like the person staring back at me. Altho its been hell the last 25 years and I've never been told by anyone that I'm acceptable always the freak of nature. Well this weird ass freak of nature is gonna do what she does and always has done best... Hide.

Don't get me wrong I'm not ending my life trust me i'm too pansy to, but I need to get away from this persona of a rock star that never was, I've tried since I was 12 or 13 to tell people I'm a great musician and not just me but Jenna as well and still to this day people don't believe what we say. We are never given a break no matter how hard we try. So she too is walking away for her I sense that she might not come back and just work on her craft on the side, she's been playing her guitar again. But now Tiva is her #1 and she doesn't want to lose her daughter. But i can't do projects without her, and not because I don't have the talent.. Its because I can't keep time and every time i audition for new projects i look like an idiot. So instead of fill myself with embarrassment i've decided to quit. I will find something else I'm good at, I will read the 20+ plus books sitting next to my bed, I will become thin again, and I will become the highest Magus Wizard on 101, i don't care about FFXI i hate playing by myself its just absolutely boring, and the whole reason I started at all was because Mark and Mom wanted something to share with me, yet i get to share nothing with them. I haven't partied with them on there for almost a year it seems, cos they have all their other friends, why play with a low level n00b.

Yeh anger it runs through me at alarming rates these days, I fear all those people whom i thought were evil are just normal, and i'm the monster. I really do hate people and I'm sick of pretending to be social cos yeh i really suck at it, so even tho Mark vows to get me out there to meet new people, the problem is i don't want to meet anyone. The last 10 years has been hell enough with the friendships i thought i gained only to have some (not all) of them just rip me down. I felt like one of the cool kids for once, but deep down i will always be the nerd girl trying to fit in somewhere I don't belong. The charade is up my friends i'm hoping i can gain some self respect instead of relying on people who are fake like acid tasting sugar. So now i vented and i'm logging off because really everything else is repeatative. Altho I still feel betrayed i never even got a chance, and that is all.