A Need for Prose

You know its bad when I start a new year by venturing back to this page that I abandoned, but I have nowhere else to turn really.  I'm feeling so alienated right now and no one to discuss my rants to.  Too many hours of me being alone lets my mind patronize everything in my life and within the past 6 months or so if not longer everything has just been shit.  I am broke have no friends I can hang with and no one to talk to.  Yes I talk to many people on facebook it's not the same as actually getting to hang out going to eat or going to a movie together or even playing a game together.  Its just an empty gesture that once you turn off your computer screen those people become shadows of a life that isn't really there.  I'm not saying this about everyone on my page but for the most part most the people I used to count as friends are mere shadows of a past I no longer accquire.
  It's lame to have a dream and watch it just fade, and to realize I had a stupid dream and was wondering how a nerd ass like me could ever make it among the vain.  Why did I pick the dream of wanting to be a musician why couldn't I have chosen a doctor or a therapist one where I could actually feel like I have self worth?  No I choose the profession where if you're not skinny and pretty people eat you for fucking breakfast.  I just don't belong anywhere and after leaving the scene only to be betrayed by my own flesh and blood, I hate it.  Im so glad to be a mere merch girl so I can hide behind some booth and pretend to wanna be there.
  To lose a sister and a best friend all in a couple of months, I'm doing so damn well for myself.  Cos I don't like hanging out with my sister anymore she is so fake, and only cares about her work and her awesome band.  She always works late and never wants to hang out with me anymore, altho in this state I wouldn't want to hang with me either.  And then my best friend hasn't hung out with me in a long time.  We barely even talk anymore :(  and it fucking sucks, its like ever since I lived with him our relationship is depleted cos neither of us trust each other and it pains me that things turned so shitty between us.
  When I tell him I miss him its the truth but sometimes I wonder if he really misses me, and then I know he's been going through a lot but he doesn't talk to me about any of it, he only talks with his co-workers or Jean.  Maybe I am jealous cos that used to be my job to be the listener and help him and now I know nothing about what he does or how he is doing.  Same with my sister when I tell her about my day she always falls asleep on me and leaves me feeling useless.  But it's not like she ever has a day off unless its for her shows and then she gets to be super awesome screamy bass chick for her band.
  I know jealous much, the reason I hold it against her is I asked her to work with me to rekindle our old project that was me and her, and pretty awesome.  Her response is that she just wasnt feeling music anymore.  And then a couple months later now she has a new MUSIC project and its what she's always wanted.  Gee thanks a fucking bunch!  So since she got her project I had decided to audition for this pretty big band and had asked her help with timing and stuff since everyone knows I can't keep time to save my life, her response is she was too busy at work to help me.  So needless to say I totally bombed the audition.  This was back in June at that point I said fuck it and walked away from music.  I haven't touched my piano or done vocal warms ups since, and I scrapped my rap project as well.  I have no passion for music anymore, even though I get a pang of sadness going to anyone's show because I do miss being on stage but I'll never get a fair chance at being up there unless Im skinny and get plastic surgery to look remote pretty.  And yeh that isn't gonna happen, not in this lifetime cos I can't get the surgery I need until I pay off my debt and of course I'm a stress eater and have been plenty stressed.
  I lost everything within a year, and I'm not looking forward to this year despite what I told Mark to keep his head up cos it was a new year and things would look up.  I don't believe this and haven't for many lifetimes now.  I was born to be miserable and nothing can save my soul its not mine to save, it never was.  I wish GOD would destroy me make me beg for solace in heaven, but I would be complacent even as a ghost.  Im too fucked for heaven or hell.  This day and this earth are my hell prison there is no such thing as reprieve not in this reality.  Fuck this shit.