When One Thread Unravels....

So here we are in the grand shithole of 2022; And I can honestly say nothing has gotten better.  I have an even newer counselor than Kristen who replaced Kayla and did very little to help me.  I honestly 100% believe that even this new person will never be able to help me.  We're 3 sessions in and yeah I don't see anything changing.

  Oh wait my whole world is changing once and like before I am totally not on board.  I fucking hate this world, I hate work, I hate home, I have no friends and I'm a negative Nancy.
  I am not looking forward to losing my house, but I am looking forward to losing Jen and her 'little family'. They make me ashamed to be seen or heard and they barely do anything with me anymore.  I really wish I wouldn't have gotten a ticket to Killswitch, I really didn't have fun and was a 3rd wheel all night.  I did have a blast at Silent Theory but completely embarrassed myself by acting like a fangirling teenager.  I don't even think I told any of them my name, like somehow I thought since they picked me as the winner for their rap contest that I'd be recognised.  I was not.  They didn't even announce the winner on facebook; which I guess I'm mad cos I wanted to be like 2 seconds of famous.

    Then last night the 25th my sister and her husband severely hurt my feelings. For some reason I was thinking the Scum show was tonight, not last night.  But they didn't even ask me if I wanted to go. I've never gotten to see Scum perform, and it reminds me that they're part of that scene, I am not.  I just really don't belong anywhere and it hurts so bad. I see all these 'scene people' posting about coming out and supporting the Denver scene.  But not a single one of those people have ever supported any of my projects and I've gone to way too many of their shows to count.  It's exclusive and I never had a membership.

   I will never have the bravery to try to get back in the scene, I'd need to lose 100+ lbs first and at this rate that's never going to happen.  I wasted my money on this Noom shit,  I'm never going to lose this weight. I'm so glad when I die I'll be cremated cos otherwise I'd need a dbl wide coffin.

    I fucking miss my dad. I really wish it would've been me that died, cos Jenn and Matt could still have their nice apartment and my dad would've been able to throw my life into an industrial dumpster and call it good.  He would've moved to Ohio to be near Ty, so this house would be sold.  I'm stuck here like a prisoner in hell, and then I think daily that maybe this is hell?  
   I'm so riddled with hate and despair that I just burst into tears a lot. I'm a disaster and I just want it all to stop and go away. I don't want my feelings and memories.  I just want nothing. I want to not exist anymore, I'm just a black stain on everyone around me.  I complain all the time about everything, I can't ever see a silver lining in anything around me.   Everything feels so hopeless, but I keep trying like I have reason to believe it will improve.  But I know it's only downhill from here.  

Please Help Me..... I say to the empty air.