dream

just posting this here real quick so i don't forget what i remember, it was a nice dream turned nightmare it was not a fun one to wake up from. it started at a house that mirrored my old house on greenway cir except it was mark's house and i was sitting there using his computer to check vampire wars , we were just hanging out and i jacked a granola bar or something out of his cupboard. Then the scene changed and we were in the basement of the current house and it was actually a house not a townhome so the windows were higher up but everything else looked the same. There was something about this weird guy that kept trying to contact us both but i can't remember his relevance in the dream. Then i remember getting dressed and telling Mark i had to do something, i was in town in a shop and i saw it start spitting snow. I used my cordless phone to call the house to say that i was on my way back. all of a sudden water came out of nowhere like a flood and the streets were consumed, i had to tell marks mom that i had to hang up with her because i got swept down this slope and almost dropped the phone. i caught my footing and was able to jump up off the street like a sidewalk and i started towards home because i was worried about the entire house being under water. i saw these trenches with workers digging to make sur the water went there and not all over, one of them told me how to get back through the canyon as it ended up being like lefthand cayon i didn't know how i was going to get back to the house. So i went up this bank of mud and started trudging towards the house, after awhile i came upon a house and i couldn't go around it i had to go through it. this guy stopped me and said i needed gloves that looked like cut gloves from the bakery. I tried to argue with him but he wouldn't let me leave without them, so i stood there waiting for him to get them and woke up. I was scared when i woke up cos i never made it back to the house so i was woried for mark and his mom. it was quite scary, now to head to work yayness.

All Alone I Turn To Stone

Yes today is a fantastic day, so I went to my old store to see about transferring back there but didn't a straight answer, dunno why I thought I would. Have a feeling that by talking to this store manager that if he talked to my current management team I won't be transferring. They're two-faced like that, yeh. Then I've been feeling empty today After hanging with my niece for the day I felt like talking to adults so i tried to txt a couple people and no one answered till i had to go to bed. Usually this is fine and dandy but with the insomnia that plagued me yesterday and now for the most part today it was a bummer. I probably should've taken my anti-depressant today oh well there's always tomorrow.

Everything has been a giant jumble in my head lately with the crappy Ronan situation and how technically we're no longer friends, and then my mind keeps thinking about David and i don't want to be back in that spot, but realise it doesn't matter cos i'll probably never see him again either. For the 3 hrs i sorta slept tonight dreaming about him was a nightmare i didn't want. Then the fact that i should feel glad i'm home, i'm neither glad nor sad just here. I miss Mark and mom and the kitties and pika, sorry i didn't really care for the dogs but love them too yeh. Being here reminds me that Lightning and Sammy aren't here and i just feel sad. I know why im here tho i need help and my dad can help me afford that, right now i'm drowning in my debt and need his insane budgeting skills to get me out of my current mess.

I don't trust anyone enough to tell them how i'm feeling so im silently suffering once again on my own, if i didn't have so much regret in my life about the way i tend to deal with things i probably wouldn't be in this mess, but yeh i hate having to reveal how i feel i will not become that vulnerable, this is the only glance people would get and the turmoil that plagues me and yet its not everything just the outer shell. Its taken many counselors to try and see into my demented mind and they've never been able to, and hell now i want to go back and see them again to pick apart what the hell is wrong with me.

Whatever right, suck it up and be the bigger person, well ya know what all i see is a monster i've turned into those people that i despise, i never thought i would be callous or jealous, never thought i'd been one of 'those' people who would be a backstabber; and yet here i am the monster i didn't want to become. maybe now i fit into the lead singer profile because yes part of me knows how good i am and what i should be able to obtain, and the other part of me knows that no matter how hard i try i won't be given a break. I'm neither skinny nor pretty enough to front anything, not in the denver scene. People say i'm over reacting but seriously i haven't gotten calls back from any bands in Colorado and I know quite a few these days but meh good for them for breaking me down and making me feel like the freak i am, thank you. The anger that sits in my chest is boiling so that means its time to peace out plus i get to have fun at slaveway tonight yayness.

yo ho whatever

So i'm bored once again, lately its like an hrly thing as to whether I can even find motivation for what needs to be done. Sadly no I haven't really found the strength to do much at all. I should be happy about all the awesome stuff coming up and instead i'm just super blah. I have way too much on my mind and am going over past incidences with people that I know. And sadly my mind is telling me that I told them too much info, the kind that will be used against me later I'm sure. That's one of the downfalls of trusting anyone and I know its all part of being human, yay.

I'm actually not looking fwd to the Glass show this time around, and I know i'm sad because they are once again going away for a couple months like last yr. I think its mainly cos I don't want to see this doucher that hurt me, but if he did what he did at the last show then i feel like he is avoiding the shows because of me and that sux. I understand the position and i could care less if he shows up or not, but hopefully people wont ask me about him, i may explode and go off, would rather not. I just wish things were clear as to why someone would act like they like me and then BAM pretty much call me unattractive without calling me out. I still am really hurt about the whole stupid ass thing cos I wasn't being a bitch about what happened but I'm so angry because the doucher is like every other fucking male on this planet. Why can't I be gay? I've had countless amounts of girls hit on me and tell me I'm pretty which I'm not but it feels nice to be told so every once in awhile.

NO i have to be attracted to guys, and have them always hate me back, why throw myself under a bus just to try to date the nihilistic jerks who always end up being shallow and vepid? And why am i never good enough for anyone? I'm sorry but with each rejection I view myself as a monster, its hard to keep faith in people and the heavens when every turn is a bitch slap in the face. I was trying to find some kind of faith something to believe in and even that fell through.

Do you know what sux tho? Is I've often posted about wanting to be apathetic and not feel and the sad part is I'm pretty apathetic about endeavors and stuff but still feel the pain, an my head attacks me at every turn. I tried to be bigger about the lost band opportunity but still feel rebuffed, and with Ronan i went a couple days not feeling affected but the more i remember what he said to me the more angrier i get. Then with my brother we got in a pretty big fight a month or so ago and i feel like we're not as close.

No one wants to be around me anymore and every decision i make is the wrong one and im such a fucking failure at being human and just my breathing is wrong stupid asthma... I just want to disappear because i'm losing myself and everything i worked so hard for, its like i'm reverting back to 13 when i initially began to show the broken parts of myself. And i know i need help but i don't know where to go, who to trust and i just want to give up so much. Yet I will wake up tomorrow and still be just as miserable with myself. Fuck me, i hate myself!

In Need of Faith

Wow talk about feeling hopeless, my life in the last month has just taken a downward spiral. I am not happy about any aspect of my life. I've been upset because I chose to move back into my dad's house, because its something I need to do for myself mainly as a precaution for myself. I just feel sad because Mark and mom are devastated and it hurts me a lot to see them both so upset. I love them they are my adopted family and they've cared for me this past yr, but there are demons inside me that I can no longer harbor on my own.. I need my sister and my dad, they've helped me not explode in the past; otherwise I will have to look into permanent help. I'm scared of what my mind contemplates, even though i know im too scared to actually go through with the thoughts they're still there and getting sicker by the day. I wish for once i had my sister's tolerance for pain, and that isn't a good thing.

Then there's Ronan I never thought someone could hurt me so bad, and its weird the first week after he hurt my feelings i wasnt actually too upset but as each week progresses i get more and more pissed. I guess its because my mind won't shut up. I could've swore he liked me back and for once I felt like someone understood me, because he made me not feel like the freak that i am. I know he thinks differently than others and maybe that was the initial attraction, because he wasnt a sheep like everyone else. HA! no he may think on a different level but he is one of the sheep, why because he is like every other doucher out there. Because i'm not skinny or pretty enough there was no attraction. Story of my life, then why does it hurt so bad? because i can name every guy since 1rst grade who broke a piece of my heart. And Ronan? he shattered what spirit I had left, because I wasnt going to go after him but couldn't help it.

I now know I can't trust anyone not like that is a surprise, but I just feel so alienated from everyone around me, like i'm just going through the motions that people expect from me. I just have no real intention to care anymore, im so bored with every aspect of my life, I wish i could return to being everyone else's shadow and that no one knew who i was. it would make life so much easier and mundane, can i have that back please? Don't get me wrong I love all my friends, and show accquaintances, but im just not happy being social anymore; if there was a way to be silent i'd rather do that. I'm sick of people asking me if i found a band yet. The answer is no, because i'm not known enough for people to give a fuck or even a fair chance, so stop Fucking asking. I tried posting in some scene forums on facebook, no one replied. I'm just this dorky ass girl who supports everyone else thats what i do, and i'm so awesome for doing it yay me.

I just hate everything and i don't know what to do now, I'm so sick of being on this forsaken planet and i despise waking up every day.. i pray to GOD one day he will hear me, but yeh right i'm not spiritual enough. sadistic bitch, thats all i got. I just don't give a flying fuck anymore, the anger has overtaken even the sadness and regret that have plagued me forever and a day. there is only hatred nothing else. that is where i end this cos i couldnt care if people worry about me, they never care when i worry about them so whats the different exchange worth?

A Breath of Fresh Air

So to say I was upset the other day would be an understatement. I was feral, I couldn't believe someone would stoop to destroy what spirit I had left. It hurt, it hurt so bad that it was like the air was punched out of my lungs MMA style. I have an over active imagination so I can actually picture the hole it should've left in my chest. I'm still slightly confused about what is going on, but I figured out a couple of things. Yes I may have been a bit smothering but its only because I was trying hard to be a friend, get to know him, so that I could be there for him. I don't think I'm the only one in the situation that can be applied overzealous since he too hunted me down a couple of times in the past. Also if me and Mark aren't practically hand in hand, he always asks where Mark is, like that i'm tethered to him yeh? Then the one time I wasn't able to be found you know he asked Mark where I was right after he told me not to be around him; I was in the pit taking out some aggression, I do that from time to time, cos being treated like a freak still to this day has its affects.

That was the first time he made it clear I wasnt to be near him, he only said the line 2 other times, and both times I didn't realise I had been invading his space. Damn I only see him once maybe twice a month and he isn't really a friend we don't hang outside the music scene. How else am I supposed to be his friend? randomly txt him to say hi? Won't happen again for sure I decided if he wants to be just accquaintences he's gone and done it. I erased his email, his number and I wish i could be a bitch and un-friend him cos guarenteed I will be highly uncomfortable around him forever more. I'm not sure how we will be able to stay friends, because friends hang around each other, and I will say hi maybe give him a hug, but then i'll run away so fast. I know from these words it seems harsh but I'm seriously afraid to see him in 3 weeks, because I told him I liked him; if he knew me at all then he would know i don't want to fuck, I don't want commitment, I'm not asking to date him because ah I DON'T date. I don't trust guys not one bit. I don't want to be intimate with anyone its too dangerous to let ones guard down that much, and no I never fantasied about a wedding day or a husband and little brats running around. The only fantasy I've had my entire life was music. Besides my family its my only love, the emotions i pour over my music is enough to blow up a fucking wedding cake.

No I won't give it up to a guy and no I'm not attracted to girls, I sometimes like to wear skirts and dresses but most of the time I just like being comfortable. I am the definition of punk - I don't like oppression whether it be my religion, my political views, my fashion, my demeanor, or my look. I'm one of those people who will wear something one day because I like it and something different tomorrow. I am the ultimate Weirdo/ Freak... I'm sorry i noticed that you were appalled by my hair you are shallow and vepid like every other male out there. The look you had on your face when I walked into the Gothic with my short blue hair said it all. I wore my hair with dignity and passion, because its what I do. Hair grows back but respect is a lot harder to fix.

I don't care if people agree with me cutting my hair, because it is empowering for me to be strong enough to cause a stir and know that I still have the wild streak in me. I know its time to make a stand and not do what people want or expect of me, but what i expect of myself. And because seriously if I'm stuck in this hell, i have to take care of me and mine. That means paying off my 10k of debt paying the last 3.5k of my car loan that I'm proud to say is in my name with my credit. I work so hard to be able to help people out, I've been so many peoples' sugar mama over the yr. To the lovers who like to drink too much and beg a beer off of everyone at every show, to the brother who is having the worse time trying to find a job in this shit economy, to my sister who works her ass off and reaps no rewards even to help her daughter, to the injured man whom I thought i would help out cos he was my friend and is having a hard time with stuff. The only person I want to pay me back is my sister she owes me quite a bit.

For everyone else i don't ask to be paid back, i did things for those i love and care about because they needed it at the time. I do have a heart no matter how black and dead it feels. its broken into billions of pieces has been since i was a kid, yet it still wants to beat, even against my will. Im not going to pretend that i didn't extend myself among my means but i don't regret it either. These past years have been times to remember and also times to forget, i have a horrible memory its hereditary or something or maybe its all the stress of illness on my part i'm not sure anymore.

Yes i am manic i hate taking meds because i just don't feel they work, although without them i get delusional and think i feel things i don't, i judge people harshly and it comes out of years of distrust. Doesn't mean i don't love my family and friends, but i do condescend each and every one of you, wondering if you've gotten from me what you needed and if my contract expired. I know lately I don't call or txt or write to anyone and its because i am feeling emo, i don't want to be around people, i just want to forget my time on the stage or in the scene and become part of the shadows again. It was lonely there but it was safe, now i feel too exposed in a world that chooses to tear me down every chance it gets. So yes i'm losing my mind I want to put myself in the hospital, those around me say like hell they'd let me.. then reality is i can't afford to take off from work and stuff to do so. Then i get frustrated because i simply just want to vanish and breathe my own air for once. Be my own. And right now i'm a lost soul i don't know where i'm headed or where i want to go, i don't know who i am anymore. I just want to find out who i am, and i don't know where to start. Why? because i don't know who to trust to help me. I don't want people to tell me what i should do because then im not me, but then again im so lost i don't know about anything anymore.

I know there are so many people who have been where I'm at yet i don't feel comforted by that, they've been there but I am not them i may not come out of this darkness the way they did; I may not be as strong or mentally able enough to pull through, i don't even care some days. Half the time i feel that people only say that as a jest because they don't know what else to really say. it gets so repeatative to hear the words "I Know How You Feel" I am guilty of those words myself and I wonder how many people think I'm catty for saying just that to them. I wish that half the time i knew what to say to make people feel better and being a broken empath that maybe the feelings would come, but no i can't tell when people aren't being honest to me, i can tell when there is tension and i can tell when everything is for show and not necessarily for caring. Its a downfall of this gift/ curse whatever it is. I don't like to tell people that im a freaked out empath because feeling emotions isnt all i can do, and to explain what i can do weirds people out. Most people don't know because they'd think i was demonic or something, but i often wonder if its angelic (half the time i doubt it) but why would god give me a specialty and then give me no esteem to use it correctly. How am i supposed to help people on emotional energies its the most absurd thing i've ever heard. I can't heal with my mind or my hands.. no i calm people down but only on a one on one basis.. And even then i feel like if people actually knew how i calmed them down in a blink of an eye i would be looked at like a freak. The sad part is i call my gift the Rogue syndrome- because on a usual basis i need skin contact. There has only been one incident where skin contact wasnt required, and it was scary. I think im gonna start wearing my hand gloves, because as little contact as possible would be better than none at all.

I should end this here because now you all who read this know my imperfection and will over think it next time you are near me and even be afraid of me. That is how fear is made.

wow............

Im such an idiot. I've completely fucked up everything that was good in my life. I ruined my best friendships and I feel like the monster i was trying not to become. So Ronan and I are finished hardcore, I understand his position and obviously missed all his real signals, cos seriously i thought he liked me, liked me. And he thought i was kinda stalkerish..oops my bad :( I should just learn not to fall so hard, but yeh its my downfall on every single fucking guy why i thought he would be any different, i don't know. These past 7 months have made me realise how fucked up i really am and how nothing can fix me. No one can help me, not anymore. I'm glad i only wasted a year and a half trying to get to know him, and now he is leaving the state thanx for being my friend and telling me. I'm not angry at him really, i know i come on aggressive all the time, so nothing new, just he actually gave me feedback on me being a freak.. I know he was trying to be nice but i should've opened my damned eyes and saw what was in front of me, not what i wanted it to be.

Also, i've messed up everything even with people i do love and care about, I'm just surrounded by so much black and anger and yeh lets just throw more fuel on that fucking fire. I want to watch my soul and my heart burn to the crispy black it feels like they should be. I was thinking the other day that I was so glad i didn't kill myself, because i have some wonderful friends and family. And then i wondered why i'm making them suffer with me, why am i so damn selfish? why am i such a pussy that i can't just fix everything. Now i have no will to fix fucking anything! Truth be told I've begged for death to take me for as long as i remember, i pray for the love of god i don't wake up tomorrow.. sadly i will like i do every day. only now im dead inside and there is so resurrection of the heart that used to beat here. FUCK MY LIFE, there is no hope no faith, no GOD only hell.

Late Night Ramblings

Ok so Im a smidge bored, i can't seem to keep my focus on anything for long periods of time lately. Must be some spastic ADD kicking in or something lol. And its not like i'm out of stuff to do, i guess i'm just bored with the things I always do. even after being away from most of my apps for a month or longer most are caught up and i dont have the same conviction to keeping them. Altho scrabble is the only one i make sure i check on a daily basis, cos yeh im trying really hard to be good at the game, but still fall short; my scores are improving tho but not enough to beat my opponents lol. Anyway i guess i just felt like posting about my crazy mind again tonight, i'm still having dark periods every day where the anger just grabs ahold of me, but i feel better because that i have been trying to do the praying thing. I hope God does hear me some days i just pray to tell him hi. I figured i used to only pray to him when i wanted something for myself, and i mean how selfish could i be when so many other people actually need his miracles. So now i actually pray for those around me a lot more!!
I'm just hoping that i can find a happy medium in my life, I did go through with my seeing about a boy thing and ive noticed things are opening up more, still more work to be done there, but every encounter makes for a better day the next. I am trying to harness patience and so far i haven't plunged off the deep end for being a bit reserved, so i take it as a good sign that i'm on the right path :) I need to realise i'm not the only one with dark in their life and that others need advice and understanding as well, so once again with open eyes i'm observing, i'm learning.
I just wish i knew how to talk to people and confidently say what i would like to, i know it takes practice but it so doesn't help when the person i want to talk to most renders me speechless lol. Naw i take it as a good sign that someone can make me that retarded and still be a great friend. I mean we had a moment the other night that still makes me smile today and thats something i will hold onto for awhile. I even told him it was awesome!!! Well ok im starting to gush i'm signing off now lol