Does one ever really think about what their hopes and dreams cost them? I guess I never did, and with talking with my sister realised that I was so fucking stupid to believe that through hard work that I'd ever been seen as a musician. It was a pissing contest all along and I never had the right equipment.
I knew I was at a disadvantage not being able to keep time, and I figured with metal music it wouldn't matter if I was skinny, pretty or slutty enough for people to accept me. I was fully wrong and while I always knew I didn't fit in and that I didn't belong; I fooled myself into thinking that I did. It reminds me of being back in elementary school where I wanted to be friends with the popular kids so bad that I treated my friends poorly. It's something that haunts me every day.
But to face the music... literally. So jayce is coming out this weekend and was talking up his good game like he always does about creating this grand scale of music and then it not really reaching that potential. When we talked the other day and I actually got to choose the genre that I fully wanted to sing to; I was elated. Now after talking to him today and find out he's been just as stuck with life sucking that he hasn't written a single note. And if we're being honest; which we always are here. I've been procrastinating too, I keep telling myself that I'm going to start training again and I'm gonna try to lose weight. And then I eat more shit and just get fatter.
I will never be skinny enough or refined enough to try out for the voice, I'm totally fooling myself into believing that my voice wouldn't get me voted out first round. But knowing deep down that my 'IMAGE' would be the thing that would get me axed.
I read Cristina's posts every day about believing in yourself above all else but she's beautiful and talented and even tho she's a few years older than me she's fit and just amazing. I'm never going to be able to keep time, and was slightly rudely reminded of my flaw today. I know my sister was not trying to be cruel, but the only 2 times I've gotten to 'guest vocal' i blew it and was so pathetic. Every single time any bigger ppl from the scene would come to our shows ( far and few between) but I fucked up every single time. They weren't wrong to typecast me as a loser. I was trying to be all metal and brutal and threw out my voice so many times.
I'm so busy trying to sound like this hybrid singer of all my favourite vocalists that I don't even really have my own sound; anything I sing would come across as an Amy Lee replica. Without the stunning beauty and grace she exibits on stage. Today was a rough day. I'm 39 years old and because I'm so fat i feel like i'm 60. my body hurts, I owuldn't even be able to actually throw down on stage like I used to in Pillaging. I mean damn I wish I would've not been so scared to sing how I wanted. Jayce has always believed in my voice, even tho I no longer do.
I am the has-been, never-was that thought she'd go platinum and get to travel the world and be rich and get out of CO. Yet here I am 50 billion years later with dbl the weight than what I started at when I first got into the scene.. gahhh it's atrocious really.
Then i'm definitely becoming a grouchier old mare in my days, I'm still vindictive and cruel and honestly when I'm in the moment I love cutting people down; it makes me feel big and in charge. I always get a guilty conscious after the fact. But like I highly dislike most of my coworkers anymore. I need to keep my opinions to myself, because the store is fucked. All the managers are now shittier than they used to be and nothing is really going to get better. I need to not stoke the fire and add my commentary to the shit show of the century. I just have to bide my time until i'm old enough to retire and live in a nursing home; cos that's how old I need to be before I can even retire. I'll be lucky to get pensions and social security at that point.
I'm never going to win the lottery and I'm never going to have enough money to buy a house, let alone rent an apartment. I'm never gonna have my own cat to cuddle; mark literally stole Salem, I'm so mad at myself because I wanted him so bad!! and of course my dad said no, which in hindsight was good because he had bathroom problems all over the place. And with the clutter everywhere it would've been a disaster. I miss Oona because she would cuddle me the most. Lily is doing better but when I can only go over once every 6 mos, I lose ground with her every time.
I'm fucking lonely, I've had so much going on and no one to talk to about it. I'm mad about the Chris situation because, I do not 100% know if he would've been down with my asexuality; I spend so much time thinking factly that no guy could ever find me attractive. So i pushed him away before it could even start. And even though I wasn't attracted to Josh at all I am so livid at how he treated me. Like why waste your time talking to someone and being a friend for 7mos just to run away because I'm fat and ugly (which I told you from the beginning) he's not really a looker either so he's a shallow hal and not worth the anger. But I think it's because he wasted my time, like it was nice having someone to tell me to have a great day and ask how my day went; and being receptive about how my day went. and giving me a positive response even on my negative days. The only other person who tells me to have a good day is my sister. Cos honestly if I wouldn't ever text Mark, he'd never contact me.
Jayce contacts me a bit less, but honestly i'm ok with that, cos every time we talk it's always about him cos he doesn't have anyone either; but i'm sick of being the emotional beanbag chair. I would like to have something different to say after all my repetitive life can fit into 5 minutes of a 3hr call. I was super pissed this last time we talked cos he asked my opinion on style of music and still proceeded to shut me out. Like once again he has all the titles for the songs and the name of the album and I feel like it's not really a partnership in writing.
I could tell on the last album there were songs he didn't like but still played them anyway and titles he didn't care for but I wanted to be included. So then it goes back to that insanity where I just want to be included, cos i'm a hermit who wants human contact because I'm so utterlessly alone with my head and my emotions all the time.
Counseling isn't helping, I don't think Kayla will be able to help me, I can't fully describe my inner turmoil to her and , it's not like i'm lying or withholding stuff, but my sessions are so boring and repetative. I say the same lines every time it's always focused about work because that's all I can relate to right now. It's like my past is so intertwined with my being up to this point, I'm not sure I could ever forgive those who broke every part of me; including myself. I can't forgive myself.
I'm not suicidal persae but I am definitely exhausted, I have no legacy. I have no history to pass down to future generations. Ty is the only future generation coming out of our immediate bloodline; I will never have children (nor do I ever want them) I still hate kids lol. I can't even imagine what it would be like to find someone like me that could be ok with just holding me and not caring that I could never be naked or intimate with them. Like at this point I'm more in a relationship with my vibrator and no one on this plane of existence could match that.
So for now goodbye and goodnight I need a snack and some sleep.
Friday, September 4, 2020
Friday, December 27, 2019
End of the year Monotony
Ahhh here we are.. It's been forever since I came here, but lets be honest you knew nothing was going to change lol. I'm just as hateful as I always have been. I hate this fucking world, I Need to get off. I have absolutely nothing to live for, still begging every day for my ending that never comes. THIS IS MY HELL.
Oh where do I begin laying it all out, I'll start with my voice.. It's trash I've become so lazy,tired and exhausted that I didn't even rise to the occasion of training my breathing and my voice to be on the show of the same namesake.. It's the only positive thing I could think to do since I can't seem to get a position in the local scene. And do you know what really stopped me from really trying? My 'image' because lets face it even the fat people in the music business are pretty in the face; that's why people don't fully mind that they're fat. Me, I'm fat and ugly.. there is no way that these popular shows would pick the ugly fat girl as the winner. Eventually I'd be kicked to the curb.
That is honestly why i procrastinated, and also because I was afraid to fly to a different state just to audition. I kept holding out praying they'd open an audition spot in Denver like they did about 3 yrs ago. But of course to no avail. I'm terribly embarassed to fly and too afraid to go alone. But I'd have no one to ask; Mark wouldn't go with me and Jenna can't she's too busy living her poor married life.
I have no real friends..... Maybe that's my biggest regret is I've hurt everyone who has ever been close to me.
Then also at the end of March I was given a kitten by a co-worker and for the first 2-3 months he was my baby, my everything. And then once his tummy issues got taken care of and his kitten appointments ended in June, he was ripped away from me. He is no longer mine.... I'm just the lady that comes and takes him away from his safety to the vet and who pays for his pet plan, food and litter.. If that's what my money is actually used for. ( I have doubts)
I only hear about him when he does something bad, which of course I'm only allowed to go over once a month if that so it's not like I can do anything to fix the situation. It's too painful to go over there every month, cos the last 3 months he wouldn't even come over and cuddle with me like he used to.
He ignores me completely unless he uses me for a springboard and I get more cuddles from my fur niece. So I've come to the realisation that he is no longer my baby just my fur nephew. My stoner of a brother stole my cat. I hugely regret wanting him so bad, that broseph and mommy dearest ever suggested that I take him there. I mean idk where he would've ended up but my heart is dying.
Then bringing up mommy dearest she pissed me the fuck off and I'm still not over it. I lied and said I understand the disagreement but I fully do NOT. I'm so sick of her bitching about broseph and her fuck buddy. They both treat her horribly, I only treat her bad now because she's holding a grudge against me cos I called out the truth and she couldn't handle it. I told her I was only ever allowed to come over and see my baby once a month, she said that wasn't right. But they both forgot 100% that they told me I could come over whenever I wanted to see my baby. So she told me that I would be allowed to come over whenever, even if fuck buddy was there. When I was going over every other day for kitten's meds I didn't have to ask for permission. That all changed where they made me feel unwelcome to where I had to announce my wishes to visit and was told numerous times that, broseph didn't 'feel like' having company. So then exactly 4 days after she told me that things would be changing so I could see my baby more.... she fucking told me I couldn't come over cos her fuck buddy was there. Like she totally forgot that I dealt with fuck buddy for a yr when I lived there; sneaking into the house undetected... he's fucking ancient it's not like he's up and moving around much.. But they walk around in the nude so that's appalling and embarrasing for her.
So now I'm not really on speaking terms with her, one of the last times I was over like maybe a month ago I ordered dinner which I Always do and never get paid back for. I decided I'd be the one to take up her food, but unfortunately I can't sounds like a herd of elephants going up the stairs and she fucking booby trapped her door. My fat ass got stuck and I scared her. Ever since then she doesn't treat me the same at all. I feel completely shut out from both of them.
I mean hell I do end up spending the night but it's not good for either me or Mark cos he bitches about not having ppl to hang with but he's so focused on getting high and watching boring movies or playing games I don't care for. So I fall asleep, cos i'm always laying on the bed and i'm super narcoleptic. so he gets a smelly fat girl and I take naps. Ooners lays with me more than 'my cat' does and it's heart breaking. Like i love her immensely but she isn't mine and she does make that apparent. All 3 kitties do.
So now next thing so Counselor is done, if jayce moves back he wants to go in a different direction and it'll be interesting if he ever does make a real decision instead of bitching about the decisions he's already made. I'm not sure he could find a sliver of happy anywhere. I don't talk to people because even he interrupts me to spout off about all his dumb repetitive shit. yes I'm a bad friend I'm so sick of listening to him; I had to deal with all the before moving whining and now i have to hear about his existential crisis all the time. Like my life sux I seriously just want to be locked in a cell with netflix and my games and be left alone.
Even my gaming isn't doing anything for me, my real goals are to sleep my life away, I've lost all my friends in the alliance. Cat and Nugg are gone essentially, Ali has been too wrapped up in the RW because of all his injuries and partying. Darth is a horribly absent leader but that's been going on for years now. But now it's more noticible becaise with him and alex never reliable we had to promote 2 new ppl but yeah they're still like sitting back and not really taking any control of things. I'm definitely not a leader; I'd boot everyone that displeases me which is like half the alliance at this point.
Work is awful, they transferred our store manager, I'm pretty sure he asked to be transferred cos he was miserable too. But in doing so corporate took all of the ppl who helped the front end and really screwed Jared over. I mean all the other managers are shit, even Jeff has started losing his niceness and he's rude and grouchy all the time. Annette is the new Gina with her 50,000 smoke breaks and lazy attitude. George is still his shitty alcoholic self and trying to be in denial while thinking he's the best manager ever; the arrogance is fleeting. Gina is still the lazy bitch who just sits in the backroom not really doing anything with her 50,000 smoke breaks. Jack and Rafael are always so high and flirting with anything with tits and a cunt to actually be useful. And I'm the fat lazy boss who doesn't do anything ebcause i'm not paid enough to essentially give a shit. The company's best interest would be to close the store. We're so horridly understaffed that it's just so stressful on the people who actually show up every day.
It's been nice having all these days off this week but honestly I'm worried i'm gonna get fucked over and not paid correctly which will fuck up a lot in my life. But on the plus side I don't wanna be there so why not use some sick time, altho being here extra days has gotten me into a sour head space. I'm in prime striking distance to Ty to judge me and treat me like shit, so there's that.
I'm seriously trying to make it for another week or so, then my insurance switches over to kaiser and then I can start going to counseling, and will have to see about a new med and such and then maybe I won't be so dark. I'm super sad to lose Darcy she's been my best dr for the last 10 years at least. But this is a new start and i'm praying that I either find a way to not be so despondant or find a way to become a puppet so that I can't feel anything and just keep my existence to an extent. I'm deep down hoping that I can work on my anger issues and not hate everyone.. maybe then people will like me and I'll have energy to become skinny again and be able to walk and breathe better. ( This is the only positive thing I have to look fwd to and it pisses me off)
Oh where do I begin laying it all out, I'll start with my voice.. It's trash I've become so lazy,tired and exhausted that I didn't even rise to the occasion of training my breathing and my voice to be on the show of the same namesake.. It's the only positive thing I could think to do since I can't seem to get a position in the local scene. And do you know what really stopped me from really trying? My 'image' because lets face it even the fat people in the music business are pretty in the face; that's why people don't fully mind that they're fat. Me, I'm fat and ugly.. there is no way that these popular shows would pick the ugly fat girl as the winner. Eventually I'd be kicked to the curb.
That is honestly why i procrastinated, and also because I was afraid to fly to a different state just to audition. I kept holding out praying they'd open an audition spot in Denver like they did about 3 yrs ago. But of course to no avail. I'm terribly embarassed to fly and too afraid to go alone. But I'd have no one to ask; Mark wouldn't go with me and Jenna can't she's too busy living her poor married life.
I have no real friends..... Maybe that's my biggest regret is I've hurt everyone who has ever been close to me.
Then also at the end of March I was given a kitten by a co-worker and for the first 2-3 months he was my baby, my everything. And then once his tummy issues got taken care of and his kitten appointments ended in June, he was ripped away from me. He is no longer mine.... I'm just the lady that comes and takes him away from his safety to the vet and who pays for his pet plan, food and litter.. If that's what my money is actually used for. ( I have doubts)
I only hear about him when he does something bad, which of course I'm only allowed to go over once a month if that so it's not like I can do anything to fix the situation. It's too painful to go over there every month, cos the last 3 months he wouldn't even come over and cuddle with me like he used to.
He ignores me completely unless he uses me for a springboard and I get more cuddles from my fur niece. So I've come to the realisation that he is no longer my baby just my fur nephew. My stoner of a brother stole my cat. I hugely regret wanting him so bad, that broseph and mommy dearest ever suggested that I take him there. I mean idk where he would've ended up but my heart is dying.
Then bringing up mommy dearest she pissed me the fuck off and I'm still not over it. I lied and said I understand the disagreement but I fully do NOT. I'm so sick of her bitching about broseph and her fuck buddy. They both treat her horribly, I only treat her bad now because she's holding a grudge against me cos I called out the truth and she couldn't handle it. I told her I was only ever allowed to come over and see my baby once a month, she said that wasn't right. But they both forgot 100% that they told me I could come over whenever I wanted to see my baby. So she told me that I would be allowed to come over whenever, even if fuck buddy was there. When I was going over every other day for kitten's meds I didn't have to ask for permission. That all changed where they made me feel unwelcome to where I had to announce my wishes to visit and was told numerous times that, broseph didn't 'feel like' having company. So then exactly 4 days after she told me that things would be changing so I could see my baby more.... she fucking told me I couldn't come over cos her fuck buddy was there. Like she totally forgot that I dealt with fuck buddy for a yr when I lived there; sneaking into the house undetected... he's fucking ancient it's not like he's up and moving around much.. But they walk around in the nude so that's appalling and embarrasing for her.
So now I'm not really on speaking terms with her, one of the last times I was over like maybe a month ago I ordered dinner which I Always do and never get paid back for. I decided I'd be the one to take up her food, but unfortunately I can't sounds like a herd of elephants going up the stairs and she fucking booby trapped her door. My fat ass got stuck and I scared her. Ever since then she doesn't treat me the same at all. I feel completely shut out from both of them.
I mean hell I do end up spending the night but it's not good for either me or Mark cos he bitches about not having ppl to hang with but he's so focused on getting high and watching boring movies or playing games I don't care for. So I fall asleep, cos i'm always laying on the bed and i'm super narcoleptic. so he gets a smelly fat girl and I take naps. Ooners lays with me more than 'my cat' does and it's heart breaking. Like i love her immensely but she isn't mine and she does make that apparent. All 3 kitties do.
So now next thing so Counselor is done, if jayce moves back he wants to go in a different direction and it'll be interesting if he ever does make a real decision instead of bitching about the decisions he's already made. I'm not sure he could find a sliver of happy anywhere. I don't talk to people because even he interrupts me to spout off about all his dumb repetitive shit. yes I'm a bad friend I'm so sick of listening to him; I had to deal with all the before moving whining and now i have to hear about his existential crisis all the time. Like my life sux I seriously just want to be locked in a cell with netflix and my games and be left alone.
Even my gaming isn't doing anything for me, my real goals are to sleep my life away, I've lost all my friends in the alliance. Cat and Nugg are gone essentially, Ali has been too wrapped up in the RW because of all his injuries and partying. Darth is a horribly absent leader but that's been going on for years now. But now it's more noticible becaise with him and alex never reliable we had to promote 2 new ppl but yeah they're still like sitting back and not really taking any control of things. I'm definitely not a leader; I'd boot everyone that displeases me which is like half the alliance at this point.
Work is awful, they transferred our store manager, I'm pretty sure he asked to be transferred cos he was miserable too. But in doing so corporate took all of the ppl who helped the front end and really screwed Jared over. I mean all the other managers are shit, even Jeff has started losing his niceness and he's rude and grouchy all the time. Annette is the new Gina with her 50,000 smoke breaks and lazy attitude. George is still his shitty alcoholic self and trying to be in denial while thinking he's the best manager ever; the arrogance is fleeting. Gina is still the lazy bitch who just sits in the backroom not really doing anything with her 50,000 smoke breaks. Jack and Rafael are always so high and flirting with anything with tits and a cunt to actually be useful. And I'm the fat lazy boss who doesn't do anything ebcause i'm not paid enough to essentially give a shit. The company's best interest would be to close the store. We're so horridly understaffed that it's just so stressful on the people who actually show up every day.
It's been nice having all these days off this week but honestly I'm worried i'm gonna get fucked over and not paid correctly which will fuck up a lot in my life. But on the plus side I don't wanna be there so why not use some sick time, altho being here extra days has gotten me into a sour head space. I'm in prime striking distance to Ty to judge me and treat me like shit, so there's that.
I'm seriously trying to make it for another week or so, then my insurance switches over to kaiser and then I can start going to counseling, and will have to see about a new med and such and then maybe I won't be so dark. I'm super sad to lose Darcy she's been my best dr for the last 10 years at least. But this is a new start and i'm praying that I either find a way to not be so despondant or find a way to become a puppet so that I can't feel anything and just keep my existence to an extent. I'm deep down hoping that I can work on my anger issues and not hate everyone.. maybe then people will like me and I'll have energy to become skinny again and be able to walk and breathe better. ( This is the only positive thing I have to look fwd to and it pisses me off)
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
Oh FFS!!!!
Wow I'm in fucking shock.. mainly because I keep telling myself that I would've eventually asked him out. But my mind and heart knows I never could have. It's like a waging war with your heart and your mind with your heart being a dreamer and falling hard for someone and your mind being practical and tearing you off your pedestal. I found out today Ed got a promotion and while I'm super happy for him, my heart just finally broke. I figured he'd be the last guy I'd ever truly crush on. Why? Because he was as socially awkward as I was, very shy and private which is a miracle working in our job. And maybe that was what intrigued me in the first place, he was a mystery. This cute shy guy that no one really knew much about, didn't really talk much to ppl outside of his department. Never got to fully see his tat or ask if he had others.
Why? Because I'm so juvenile in the way I dealt with him, and I'm 10yrs older than him. And I'm so fucking stupid I should've broken down and told him how I felt a yr ago but I wanted him to tell me that he liked me, and I knew it wasn't true. No guy in his right mind would like the monster that I am. He played with my heart and I dived in, but he also flirted hard with jailbait from produce. which i just found out last week, and why shouldn't he she's beautiful; a hoe but beautiful. Girls like her disgust me honestly, she's doe-eyed and young and skinny.. and she has a boyfriend overseas in the military. And she's not really faithful to him but she's 18 and apparently that's ok to do these days.
There were a handful of people at work who knew my feelings for Ed, but I don't think anyone realised how obsessed I got. I back read his facebook wall, I know he's been hurt badly before; I figured that's why he doesn't date. Or dude could be married or have a gf who knows, honestly I just need to learn to lick my wounds and move on. Cos lets face it, no one is ever going to find me beautiful and attractive enough to deal with my asexuality. And I can't pretend that, that person exists because I'm about 100% sure he DOES NOT.
I put on my fake smile and take people's false praise of me with a grain of salt, but honestly its another war. I don't believe it when people praise me, I can't accept it, it feels wrong. Like if they knew my brand of psycho, no one would praise me. They would glare at me for the monster that I am. Humans are a disgrace and while I don't believe in GOD I know somehow we are here. And I think the beings that created and put us on this planet should be ashamed. We as a species have destroyed everything and I really wish Thanos was real. I'd ask him to turn me to dust; because I don't want to live here anymore. Amongst the righteous who believe they are better than the person sitting next to them, the monsters that rape and kill others, the religious book thumpers who feel holier than thou. All those people should be eradicated and sadly that will never happen. Eventually the world will just plunge into darkness as the electricity stops, as businesses stop, as homes become vacant. And the governments crash. It would be utter chaos and yet it would be quiet. No more twitter for the president fagface.. no more social media for the vain and disconnected. No more internet to write this depressing ass blog. It would go back into my head where it was before the internet hit it big. Where I would hide away for hours reading books as the only way to escape reality.
It's gotten so depressing that even reading books just debilitates me, why? because even the ugliest hero/heroine is found gorgeous and sexy by someone, and me I'm fat, ugly, ordinary and I'll never go on these wild adventures; not into fae not into the vampire lairs or the werewolf dens. No i'll never be a witch or a shadowhunter or an x-man or a kung fu master. No.... I will forever be this hideous fat, ugly lazy girl; until I kill myself or the fates take mercy and end my pain. But I feel like I'm aware of all these things with my empath abilities because this is my hell. I must've done something so horrendous in my past lives to be shoved into this life. But why can't i flip a switch and be ruthless, why can't I be strong willed and determined to change my situation??? why not you ask??? because I'm a bitch stuck on the little bit of anti-depressants I do take, just to get up every day. And the lies I tell to my family knowing well and good I forget to take my meds until I have emotions like today. Where I wish that once I go to bed today that I never wake up. But I'll take my stupid ass happy pill and set my alarm and wake up to the mundane, rinse and repeat of my dead end life.
Why? Because I'm so juvenile in the way I dealt with him, and I'm 10yrs older than him. And I'm so fucking stupid I should've broken down and told him how I felt a yr ago but I wanted him to tell me that he liked me, and I knew it wasn't true. No guy in his right mind would like the monster that I am. He played with my heart and I dived in, but he also flirted hard with jailbait from produce. which i just found out last week, and why shouldn't he she's beautiful; a hoe but beautiful. Girls like her disgust me honestly, she's doe-eyed and young and skinny.. and she has a boyfriend overseas in the military. And she's not really faithful to him but she's 18 and apparently that's ok to do these days.
There were a handful of people at work who knew my feelings for Ed, but I don't think anyone realised how obsessed I got. I back read his facebook wall, I know he's been hurt badly before; I figured that's why he doesn't date. Or dude could be married or have a gf who knows, honestly I just need to learn to lick my wounds and move on. Cos lets face it, no one is ever going to find me beautiful and attractive enough to deal with my asexuality. And I can't pretend that, that person exists because I'm about 100% sure he DOES NOT.
I put on my fake smile and take people's false praise of me with a grain of salt, but honestly its another war. I don't believe it when people praise me, I can't accept it, it feels wrong. Like if they knew my brand of psycho, no one would praise me. They would glare at me for the monster that I am. Humans are a disgrace and while I don't believe in GOD I know somehow we are here. And I think the beings that created and put us on this planet should be ashamed. We as a species have destroyed everything and I really wish Thanos was real. I'd ask him to turn me to dust; because I don't want to live here anymore. Amongst the righteous who believe they are better than the person sitting next to them, the monsters that rape and kill others, the religious book thumpers who feel holier than thou. All those people should be eradicated and sadly that will never happen. Eventually the world will just plunge into darkness as the electricity stops, as businesses stop, as homes become vacant. And the governments crash. It would be utter chaos and yet it would be quiet. No more twitter for the president fagface.. no more social media for the vain and disconnected. No more internet to write this depressing ass blog. It would go back into my head where it was before the internet hit it big. Where I would hide away for hours reading books as the only way to escape reality.
It's gotten so depressing that even reading books just debilitates me, why? because even the ugliest hero/heroine is found gorgeous and sexy by someone, and me I'm fat, ugly, ordinary and I'll never go on these wild adventures; not into fae not into the vampire lairs or the werewolf dens. No i'll never be a witch or a shadowhunter or an x-man or a kung fu master. No.... I will forever be this hideous fat, ugly lazy girl; until I kill myself or the fates take mercy and end my pain. But I feel like I'm aware of all these things with my empath abilities because this is my hell. I must've done something so horrendous in my past lives to be shoved into this life. But why can't i flip a switch and be ruthless, why can't I be strong willed and determined to change my situation??? why not you ask??? because I'm a bitch stuck on the little bit of anti-depressants I do take, just to get up every day. And the lies I tell to my family knowing well and good I forget to take my meds until I have emotions like today. Where I wish that once I go to bed today that I never wake up. But I'll take my stupid ass happy pill and set my alarm and wake up to the mundane, rinse and repeat of my dead end life.
Saturday, February 9, 2019
I Never Learn From My Mistakes
Urgh I can't win.. I'm sick of my heart trying to piece itself back together; where I feel like I'm worthy of something. Only to realise that I'm still not worth the attention of the opposite sex. Then dealing with J's constant stream of negativity on top of my own just makes me sick. Which is ironic cos that's the filth I spew onto my friends when I talk about guys that will never love me.
So here we are a few months after my last mistake hahaha, sunday confessional a day early. I keep forgetting I'm a fat, ugly old lady. I hang out with all these 20 somethings at work and because of my immaturaty I feel like i belong. Then shit like this happens and I'm reminded that all these 20 somethings are smart, attractive and worth looking at. And here I am this dead in the middle 30 something where there is half of me that's already a naggy old lady and the other half of me still thinking I need (can get) a boyfriend.
Idk if its because its the week of Valentine's Day and my heart and mind sabotage me tell me that Ed likes me, that maybe he'll be my secret admirer for V-Day. When in reality I'll go to work like every other day, except I have to be in the fucking floral department all week. So I actually get to assist these guys and S.O's who have someone; who feels the need to buy them over priced dead things and profess extra special love because its a requirement. Deep down I want this, cos I've never had this, but cynically I want to watch everyone burn.
I know its just a small thing that Ed didn't want something I baked, but honestly then why smile at me all week and give me 'hey girl' nods. Like stop fucking playing with my dumbass heart, it's already blackened and charred to a slivered remain. But then I remember that I'm the one with the overactive imagination that inserts things that were never there. I don't hate him at all, but I do hate myself. I can't win ever.
Then i look at my twin sister, who has always gotten the boys even tho she was always a bit more chubbyish, i really feel its because she gives off the stench of having sex like normal ppl, where my pheramones are obviously whithered or dying or not even there. She has always gotten relationships mostly bad but atleast experiencing some type of elation.
I sit there and contemplate on the 3 incidences I've had. A, S, and H. It's like a film strip that constantly plays like a broken record to remind me, that I am undesireable.
It reminds me why I chose/didn't choose to be asexual, its because that in my 37 years nobody has ever wanted me unless they were drunk and horny. And just degrading for me cos i'm not desperate, even tho I want someone to want me, I will never beg anyone. I'm so juvenille I don't know how to ask boys out I don't know how to date and I just can't bring myself to be comfortable enough to sleep with someone.
Then having Gnoc confirm Ed's age really put things into perspective, I'm just too old. I'm finally at that crossroads where I just realise that no amount of dreaming with end with someone finding me attractive. Why can't I just die??? I'm alone anyways. All I have is Jayce and he's just awful to be around, he's more negative than I am. And always just sucks any positivity I have right out of me like a vampire. I wish he would decide to leave and move to wherever and then I wouldn't have to pretend that the music is working. It's supposed to be my relief and my therapy and I'm stuck there being his therapist. And the sad part is everything he says is valid it's real shit that makes so much sense. Where my shit is that a boy doesn't like me, and I'm still at the same shitty job for 19yrs and now talked into being a manager that I never wanted to be.
I pray that when I go to sleep tonight I don't wake up..... but I know I will.
So here we are a few months after my last mistake hahaha, sunday confessional a day early. I keep forgetting I'm a fat, ugly old lady. I hang out with all these 20 somethings at work and because of my immaturaty I feel like i belong. Then shit like this happens and I'm reminded that all these 20 somethings are smart, attractive and worth looking at. And here I am this dead in the middle 30 something where there is half of me that's already a naggy old lady and the other half of me still thinking I need (can get) a boyfriend.
Idk if its because its the week of Valentine's Day and my heart and mind sabotage me tell me that Ed likes me, that maybe he'll be my secret admirer for V-Day. When in reality I'll go to work like every other day, except I have to be in the fucking floral department all week. So I actually get to assist these guys and S.O's who have someone; who feels the need to buy them over priced dead things and profess extra special love because its a requirement. Deep down I want this, cos I've never had this, but cynically I want to watch everyone burn.
I know its just a small thing that Ed didn't want something I baked, but honestly then why smile at me all week and give me 'hey girl' nods. Like stop fucking playing with my dumbass heart, it's already blackened and charred to a slivered remain. But then I remember that I'm the one with the overactive imagination that inserts things that were never there. I don't hate him at all, but I do hate myself. I can't win ever.
Then i look at my twin sister, who has always gotten the boys even tho she was always a bit more chubbyish, i really feel its because she gives off the stench of having sex like normal ppl, where my pheramones are obviously whithered or dying or not even there. She has always gotten relationships mostly bad but atleast experiencing some type of elation.
I sit there and contemplate on the 3 incidences I've had. A, S, and H. It's like a film strip that constantly plays like a broken record to remind me, that I am undesireable.
It reminds me why I chose/didn't choose to be asexual, its because that in my 37 years nobody has ever wanted me unless they were drunk and horny. And just degrading for me cos i'm not desperate, even tho I want someone to want me, I will never beg anyone. I'm so juvenille I don't know how to ask boys out I don't know how to date and I just can't bring myself to be comfortable enough to sleep with someone.
Then having Gnoc confirm Ed's age really put things into perspective, I'm just too old. I'm finally at that crossroads where I just realise that no amount of dreaming with end with someone finding me attractive. Why can't I just die??? I'm alone anyways. All I have is Jayce and he's just awful to be around, he's more negative than I am. And always just sucks any positivity I have right out of me like a vampire. I wish he would decide to leave and move to wherever and then I wouldn't have to pretend that the music is working. It's supposed to be my relief and my therapy and I'm stuck there being his therapist. And the sad part is everything he says is valid it's real shit that makes so much sense. Where my shit is that a boy doesn't like me, and I'm still at the same shitty job for 19yrs and now talked into being a manager that I never wanted to be.
I pray that when I go to sleep tonight I don't wake up..... but I know I will.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Acting as human as possible
So here we are again had a cute and fun day at work. And of course Ed had a lot to do with that. I just don't know what to do with that boy like I really really need to tell my heart and brain to shut the fuck up when he's around, cos yup still embarrass myself.
I actually had a daydream when I was getting off work cos as you know my brain likes to make up elaborate scenarios that will never see the light of day. Like I was talking to Gman about Ed cos as an awkward lonely individual you'd think he'd understand a guy perspective. He was just annoyed and said yeah the dude is weird dunno what he's getting at. So no help there. But I thought what if he was waiting until Valentine's Day to come out and tell me that he liked me; but like asked AD what my fave restaurant was and went through a lot of trouble to get flowers and balloons that I would like, but do a secret admirer thing.
Like he got these red, black and white heart balloons and the the bouquet of flowers were amazing they were red and black and then had some white carnations that looked like a chessboard. And there'd be a note with "Ev" lyrics and then a poem about my voice and how he'd meet me at my fave rest. and reveal his face. I do this a lot of wishing just once to get some nice flowers from a guy but yeah we ALL know that's never going to happen.
No guy in his 100% right mind would ever be attracted to this, so I need to stop I need to stop trying to fool my heart that deep down he likes me a little bit. But honestly in my situation I really need to stop but its like my heart and mind do things on their own and deffo don't tell me not to act like a dummy.
Then even though work went great tonight at TS it did not. I made the mistake of last week telling LPKN that I told my work that I worked there so they'd give me the time off to be there to help out. And after what like 4-5 years possibly longer; even though i've stepped up and helped run the door at the fucking Pit Stop crack bar and then the past cpl national shows at the Roxy, I was told I was not allowed to sit behind the box and run it. Like I got disrespected at the last national show by PC and then now this normal one by LPKN, like I understand what he's saying cos I'll never be real SN. But once again I let my guard down like before and thought these fake ass motherfuckers were my friends, my family. (Yes they don't charge me for shows, haven't for a very long time) but to be told I disrespected him by touching the cashbox that now I"m not trusted with anymore?
Like Jayce was right all these people that we've supported and all these people that we've known for a long ass time are fake and they want nothing to do with us, we Do Not fit in with them and they continue to make that abundantly clear. I almost cried in public tonight it festered the entire time I was at the show. And you know what I still helped at the door like a stupid retard. I think it's time to admit what I am to these people..... Nothing.
Like I know i'm ugly and fat as fuck trust me I know better than anyone I mean for fucks sake I can't even shop for a pair of pants for work w/o just being completely disgusted by my body and my face and my clothes and my hair and everything. Like I hate myself and of course its true no one can love you when you hate yourself. I don't have any real freinds that I can talk to about boys, its too elementary no one cares. I can't even ask someone close to me what I should do cos they just roll their eyes and don't want to be bothered.
Why the fuck couldn't I be born pretty and why did I have to ahve that reaction to that damn pill; and why did I eat my athletic skinny girl. I'm so embarassed by this hideousness. But alas its 12am and I have to open so my self loathing ends here this time cos of work.
I actually had a daydream when I was getting off work cos as you know my brain likes to make up elaborate scenarios that will never see the light of day. Like I was talking to Gman about Ed cos as an awkward lonely individual you'd think he'd understand a guy perspective. He was just annoyed and said yeah the dude is weird dunno what he's getting at. So no help there. But I thought what if he was waiting until Valentine's Day to come out and tell me that he liked me; but like asked AD what my fave restaurant was and went through a lot of trouble to get flowers and balloons that I would like, but do a secret admirer thing.
Like he got these red, black and white heart balloons and the the bouquet of flowers were amazing they were red and black and then had some white carnations that looked like a chessboard. And there'd be a note with "Ev" lyrics and then a poem about my voice and how he'd meet me at my fave rest. and reveal his face. I do this a lot of wishing just once to get some nice flowers from a guy but yeah we ALL know that's never going to happen.
No guy in his 100% right mind would ever be attracted to this, so I need to stop I need to stop trying to fool my heart that deep down he likes me a little bit. But honestly in my situation I really need to stop but its like my heart and mind do things on their own and deffo don't tell me not to act like a dummy.
Then even though work went great tonight at TS it did not. I made the mistake of last week telling LPKN that I told my work that I worked there so they'd give me the time off to be there to help out. And after what like 4-5 years possibly longer; even though i've stepped up and helped run the door at the fucking Pit Stop crack bar and then the past cpl national shows at the Roxy, I was told I was not allowed to sit behind the box and run it. Like I got disrespected at the last national show by PC and then now this normal one by LPKN, like I understand what he's saying cos I'll never be real SN. But once again I let my guard down like before and thought these fake ass motherfuckers were my friends, my family. (Yes they don't charge me for shows, haven't for a very long time) but to be told I disrespected him by touching the cashbox that now I"m not trusted with anymore?
Like Jayce was right all these people that we've supported and all these people that we've known for a long ass time are fake and they want nothing to do with us, we Do Not fit in with them and they continue to make that abundantly clear. I almost cried in public tonight it festered the entire time I was at the show. And you know what I still helped at the door like a stupid retard. I think it's time to admit what I am to these people..... Nothing.
Like I know i'm ugly and fat as fuck trust me I know better than anyone I mean for fucks sake I can't even shop for a pair of pants for work w/o just being completely disgusted by my body and my face and my clothes and my hair and everything. Like I hate myself and of course its true no one can love you when you hate yourself. I don't have any real freinds that I can talk to about boys, its too elementary no one cares. I can't even ask someone close to me what I should do cos they just roll their eyes and don't want to be bothered.
Why the fuck couldn't I be born pretty and why did I have to ahve that reaction to that damn pill; and why did I eat my athletic skinny girl. I'm so embarassed by this hideousness. But alas its 12am and I have to open so my self loathing ends here this time cos of work.
Sunday, October 21, 2018
A year and some change
Wow, I haven't felt the need to come on and blog for quite a long time or felt it but was too lazy to do it. And of course so much has happened since my last post haha.
So it's been a wild ride for the most part but still the life of a depressed and cynical me. I can't remember things from last year except that I was fully able to let JF go, I only saw him a bit after that day with Wolfe but they changed the sugar tax in good ole boulder so they changed vendors for the sodas and stuff, and the guy that took over for JF is still there but there are pretty much all new vendors otherwise (yay me!! no seriously i'm happy about it)
I still think about him often but more like how would he react to seeing me, but not about me being attracted. Cos he is hot but no longer the object of my infatuation.
Once I started getting over him and realising he wasn't really a nice person, it opened my eyes to see this cute guy in the meat department. And yes I guess I was blind to him like i am most of the time when I'm obsessed with someone else.
This guy is a loner and very Ed Sheeran, like he's cute but not overly noticeable but it's not a flaw in my eyes. I didn't fully realise him until one day Micah and Abby were swooning on him when he came through SCO, and they were commenting on how good he smelt which yes his cologne or body spray smells good damn him.
But it actually made me look at him and instantly there were butterflies and of course I was over. Stealing glances and stuff but nothing too big.
Now many months later, I still can't remember my whole reason for leaving but I transferred to a different store for 7 months, but on my last day in boulder I was giving everyone my fake story about moving as my reason for transferring but in all honesty i think i was being childish instead of manning up to whatever was the real issue. Anyway I so desperately wanted to say goodbye to Ed so that he knew I liked him; cos as you know my brain plays out all sorts of scenarios that will never happen. So I panicked and I ran after him as he was leaving and gave him a hug. It was so embarrassing but at least tho very awkward he hugged me back.
Now fast fwd to now the last 7 months were hell at the other store it was definitely stupid af for me to leave boulder, but after some bullshit went down that I don't really want to explain (it would take too long) I ended up fighting to transfer back to boulder. I've been back for a month and feel like things have advanced but not really with Ed. So i'm slightly stalkerish and always check his schedule and have fbk stalked him a cpl times (he doesn't use it) which is a very good thing (whew) But on my first day back at the store I clocked in early to help face which i hate doing btw, but it was close to 8am when I was supposed to check; but i ran upstairs and went to the bathroom. When I came downstairs he was right there and gave me this surprised smile and said hello, he looked generally happy to see me; it made my heart flutter out of control and now I'm ridiculous lol.
The thing that updated was that he most of the time will say hello to me which is wonderful cos I don't think we talked much at all before. the other thing is I embarrass myself more in front of him which is SOOO not ok, i'm such a lost cause, and from stalking his page, i realise why he's so closed off and so I just can't bring myself to let down my guard and actually admit to him I like him. So of course my daydreamer mind wishes with all the scenarios that would bring us together, and have him be accepting of my asexuality but I know for a fact no guy would ever be ok with it. One scenario is that he too is asexual but I can only dream on that one.
But i did learn a valuable lesson really, I'm excited to be back in boulder it's like coming home, I still think some of the issues are ridiculous but more manageable since i've been introduced to worse stores. Like my tag boss went on vacation last week and it wasn't stressful at all really, like some of the days I was busy but I knew by the end of the week I'd be able to get everything done and it was refreshing.
I'm still in Counselor with Jayce and we're slowly not really progressing with our 3rd cd, and we started working with Dave on FTD but i don't really see that taking off as much. I feel bad that Jayce is such a big dreamer and has these neat ideas but they're always so flippant and just never pan out, and there is nothing bad about dreaming and wanting a different life God knows I wish I had a diff one. But at our age and shit there has to be some realistic undertone where you don't spend your whole time daydreaming the what ifs and ignoring that someone right in front of you still wants to be making music. I get so frustrated sometimes cos the first 2 albums came very easily for the most part and then he just quit trying there for a long while and I understand that life is screwing him over relentlessly, but I need this project I want to write.
I know deep down I don't always give it my all, as I still fantasize about having my dream project but I know it will never happen so I do the best I can to write my style with my lyrics but i realise all my stuff sounds slightly repetitive. still trying to work on that for sure.
So it's been a wild ride for the most part but still the life of a depressed and cynical me. I can't remember things from last year except that I was fully able to let JF go, I only saw him a bit after that day with Wolfe but they changed the sugar tax in good ole boulder so they changed vendors for the sodas and stuff, and the guy that took over for JF is still there but there are pretty much all new vendors otherwise (yay me!! no seriously i'm happy about it)
I still think about him often but more like how would he react to seeing me, but not about me being attracted. Cos he is hot but no longer the object of my infatuation.
Once I started getting over him and realising he wasn't really a nice person, it opened my eyes to see this cute guy in the meat department. And yes I guess I was blind to him like i am most of the time when I'm obsessed with someone else.
This guy is a loner and very Ed Sheeran, like he's cute but not overly noticeable but it's not a flaw in my eyes. I didn't fully realise him until one day Micah and Abby were swooning on him when he came through SCO, and they were commenting on how good he smelt which yes his cologne or body spray smells good damn him.
But it actually made me look at him and instantly there were butterflies and of course I was over. Stealing glances and stuff but nothing too big.
Now many months later, I still can't remember my whole reason for leaving but I transferred to a different store for 7 months, but on my last day in boulder I was giving everyone my fake story about moving as my reason for transferring but in all honesty i think i was being childish instead of manning up to whatever was the real issue. Anyway I so desperately wanted to say goodbye to Ed so that he knew I liked him; cos as you know my brain plays out all sorts of scenarios that will never happen. So I panicked and I ran after him as he was leaving and gave him a hug. It was so embarrassing but at least tho very awkward he hugged me back.
Now fast fwd to now the last 7 months were hell at the other store it was definitely stupid af for me to leave boulder, but after some bullshit went down that I don't really want to explain (it would take too long) I ended up fighting to transfer back to boulder. I've been back for a month and feel like things have advanced but not really with Ed. So i'm slightly stalkerish and always check his schedule and have fbk stalked him a cpl times (he doesn't use it) which is a very good thing (whew) But on my first day back at the store I clocked in early to help face which i hate doing btw, but it was close to 8am when I was supposed to check; but i ran upstairs and went to the bathroom. When I came downstairs he was right there and gave me this surprised smile and said hello, he looked generally happy to see me; it made my heart flutter out of control and now I'm ridiculous lol.
The thing that updated was that he most of the time will say hello to me which is wonderful cos I don't think we talked much at all before. the other thing is I embarrass myself more in front of him which is SOOO not ok, i'm such a lost cause, and from stalking his page, i realise why he's so closed off and so I just can't bring myself to let down my guard and actually admit to him I like him. So of course my daydreamer mind wishes with all the scenarios that would bring us together, and have him be accepting of my asexuality but I know for a fact no guy would ever be ok with it. One scenario is that he too is asexual but I can only dream on that one.
But i did learn a valuable lesson really, I'm excited to be back in boulder it's like coming home, I still think some of the issues are ridiculous but more manageable since i've been introduced to worse stores. Like my tag boss went on vacation last week and it wasn't stressful at all really, like some of the days I was busy but I knew by the end of the week I'd be able to get everything done and it was refreshing.
I'm still in Counselor with Jayce and we're slowly not really progressing with our 3rd cd, and we started working with Dave on FTD but i don't really see that taking off as much. I feel bad that Jayce is such a big dreamer and has these neat ideas but they're always so flippant and just never pan out, and there is nothing bad about dreaming and wanting a different life God knows I wish I had a diff one. But at our age and shit there has to be some realistic undertone where you don't spend your whole time daydreaming the what ifs and ignoring that someone right in front of you still wants to be making music. I get so frustrated sometimes cos the first 2 albums came very easily for the most part and then he just quit trying there for a long while and I understand that life is screwing him over relentlessly, but I need this project I want to write.
I know deep down I don't always give it my all, as I still fantasize about having my dream project but I know it will never happen so I do the best I can to write my style with my lyrics but i realise all my stuff sounds slightly repetitive. still trying to work on that for sure.
Monday, June 5, 2017
Sing A Song of Sixpence
Well its a new year new shit and stuff. In the end of January Jayce contacted Jenna about starting a project but she declined so I asked her to msg him and throw my name in the pot. I was super surprise she did and that he wrote back. SO now we have Counselor a 2 piece acoustic duo and we have our first show in a couple weeks. That's the high part of my life, but I didn't come here to swim in the decent moments cos that's not what this place is for lol.
So Wolffe where do I start with him? So ever since he had come to my store he always acted really weird about the fact that I called him my little brother, like he was embarrassed and in all actuality I ended up embarrassing myself because I couldn't see that we weren't even friends anymore. He only called me his sister so he could feel comfortable about the part where I liked him and its so fucking stupid cos a part of me will always like him. And I blame myself for Rogue-ing him cos that made me feel closer to him and it freaked him out and he ran away full speed. Sure when he wanted to go to the comicbook store he'd call and wake me up to go, but damn all to hell if he'd hang out with me after that. So it made me feel like an on point friend cos he had no one else. I started declining to hang out because I felt like I was only invited to the comic store for his shit and if he wanted to ask me about baby mama drama. It pains me to fully admit that he used me just as bad as Jz did and I let him because of liking him. I realised that when he asked me in the store if I was still friends with her and I said not that it doomed our friendship or the lack of what really was one. He was only friends with me because i was also friends with her. If he could get info on her then he'd be a step ahead. I was crushed when I realised I was so stupid.
Now to the real reason I'm sad right now. So I can't even remember the last time I talked with him it was some stupid text or something with his small one word answers and boredom feels. Or when he'd randomly come into the store outside of that I only tried inviting him to karaoke once and when he wasn't even polite enough to send me a msg declining.
Now he shows up in the same uniform as JF and has been working there 4 months or so; didn't even tell me but then again we don't talk. And of course he would be chillin with JF and what just upset me badly is I heard his voice before I saw him and he was all about giving K a hug so I yelled at him that I wanted a hug, he left me hanging (yes he had to pee but that's beside the point) he didn't even come say hi to me after he went, he went to chat with JF I didn't see him till they were getting ready to leave and he finally gave me a hug. I know I was unfair in making him feel bad but I thought I'd be one of the first people he'd give a hug to. But then I remembered that I think he's with K it just makes so much sense. And ironically its the only time JF actually sat there and conversed with me too because he was comfortable cos Wolffe was there. So I was sad by that, then as they were leaving i heard him say he had to go talk to someone else. Of course it was K i saw them all over by the deli when I was leaving. I so badly wanted to go over and butt in and pretend that I was one of the cool kids. But i decided to have some self pride today damnit.
Then I sat outside for a moment and smoked a cig, and thought if only I'd gone over and asked him if he wanted a cd for my band that maybe that would peak JF's interest but I couldn't do it cos I'm a pansy hahaha. I can't believe that I'm so lame why can't I just get over JF he doesn't like me and I fully know it just as I fully kno that Wolffe and I are no longer friends. And that makes me jealous of K cos I bet he texts her or calls her as they have the SW Guild together :'(
I just feel so fucking empty, altho the truth is feel everything and it hurts me consistently day after day. Tonight will be day one of getting back on my anti-depressants full time and I pray they help me cos I'm so lost that I don't even kno how to dig my way back out of this grave. Like where do I begin how do I start to let go of all my anger and resentment??
So Wolffe where do I start with him? So ever since he had come to my store he always acted really weird about the fact that I called him my little brother, like he was embarrassed and in all actuality I ended up embarrassing myself because I couldn't see that we weren't even friends anymore. He only called me his sister so he could feel comfortable about the part where I liked him and its so fucking stupid cos a part of me will always like him. And I blame myself for Rogue-ing him cos that made me feel closer to him and it freaked him out and he ran away full speed. Sure when he wanted to go to the comicbook store he'd call and wake me up to go, but damn all to hell if he'd hang out with me after that. So it made me feel like an on point friend cos he had no one else. I started declining to hang out because I felt like I was only invited to the comic store for his shit and if he wanted to ask me about baby mama drama. It pains me to fully admit that he used me just as bad as Jz did and I let him because of liking him. I realised that when he asked me in the store if I was still friends with her and I said not that it doomed our friendship or the lack of what really was one. He was only friends with me because i was also friends with her. If he could get info on her then he'd be a step ahead. I was crushed when I realised I was so stupid.
Now to the real reason I'm sad right now. So I can't even remember the last time I talked with him it was some stupid text or something with his small one word answers and boredom feels. Or when he'd randomly come into the store outside of that I only tried inviting him to karaoke once and when he wasn't even polite enough to send me a msg declining.
Now he shows up in the same uniform as JF and has been working there 4 months or so; didn't even tell me but then again we don't talk. And of course he would be chillin with JF and what just upset me badly is I heard his voice before I saw him and he was all about giving K a hug so I yelled at him that I wanted a hug, he left me hanging (yes he had to pee but that's beside the point) he didn't even come say hi to me after he went, he went to chat with JF I didn't see him till they were getting ready to leave and he finally gave me a hug. I know I was unfair in making him feel bad but I thought I'd be one of the first people he'd give a hug to. But then I remembered that I think he's with K it just makes so much sense. And ironically its the only time JF actually sat there and conversed with me too because he was comfortable cos Wolffe was there. So I was sad by that, then as they were leaving i heard him say he had to go talk to someone else. Of course it was K i saw them all over by the deli when I was leaving. I so badly wanted to go over and butt in and pretend that I was one of the cool kids. But i decided to have some self pride today damnit.
Then I sat outside for a moment and smoked a cig, and thought if only I'd gone over and asked him if he wanted a cd for my band that maybe that would peak JF's interest but I couldn't do it cos I'm a pansy hahaha. I can't believe that I'm so lame why can't I just get over JF he doesn't like me and I fully know it just as I fully kno that Wolffe and I are no longer friends. And that makes me jealous of K cos I bet he texts her or calls her as they have the SW Guild together :'(
I just feel so fucking empty, altho the truth is feel everything and it hurts me consistently day after day. Tonight will be day one of getting back on my anti-depressants full time and I pray they help me cos I'm so lost that I don't even kno how to dig my way back out of this grave. Like where do I begin how do I start to let go of all my anger and resentment??
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