a moment to pause 6/29/11

Hi!!!

I'm actually in a great mood today and that scares me just a bit. I know i have the occasional blog that isn't all poor me, this is one of them :) I know for my sanity that I have to leave the scene for a bit, but amazing enough originally I was gonna walk away and never come back. But i realise i will miss it extremely, but i think also that i'm scared because that I don't have a lot of street cred if you will. I just need to take the next 2 months and work on me, if i can lose some weight and also just refocus on writing new material and lyrics, i think i could bring my confidence up a couple of steps.

Being drastic has always been my calling card so of course i was being all drama queen at being hurt by my friends, but i realise the pressure they too are under but its when that pressure gets to be too much you need to turn to friends.

I may not have too many friends close by but i know who has my back sorta lol. I just wonder what Gods plan is for each of us and i wonder why i just can't bring myself to trust in a divine being. Not saying that i don't believe in fate and stuff but is there something else that controls our free will?

Then someone asked if i believed all this ascension stuff i don't think i do, but im hoping if it does happen and people are saved by God I hope he takes care of all the angels w/o wings in my life. There are too many awesome people out there who have on many occassions saved me from myself and proved that real friends will talk you into clarity.

I know i dog myself a lot, i guess its hard to feel worthy of light when i've been so lost in the dark for so long, but it really helps knowing that I am not alone and even if i don't feel worthy of my life, someone out there finds me worthy. Still dont know who posted that comment but i try to remember that on a daily basis that obviously my friends and family find me worthy of acceptance or we wouldn't be friends. So i close this by saying i may be WEIRD and a little FREAKY but i'm me and thanks to everyone who gets me. :)

wow took time off from my chaos...

And now I'm back, cos yeh my life is one big doozy. I'm trying to act like I can cope with my crappy state of mind but its a lot harder than it looks kiddies. I'm definitely losing my marbles practically one at a time, and I don't think they'll be coming back. I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless, like with Pillaging gone there is relief but also a giant void, I can't recall if i felt this after Merje cos yeh both bands lasted 2 years and BOOM, just done. I think I have to walk away from music for a bit maybe to gain some sanity, perhaps not but I've made that decision, and not lightly by any means.

My plan is simple tell the select few about my 2nd facebook acct and then transfer them over and abandon the person I have been for a while. I am done persuing Ronan he is driving me completely insane because I really can't be any more obvious when I'm with him, yet either he is that oblivious or he doesn't care. It plagues me to kinda walk away from him, because sadly i think i love him and I HATE admitting that at all. Because he thinks I'm nice and thoughtful and even when I told him that I care about him he just said thank you?! WTF man what do you think I mean when i say that i care and worry about your ass all the time.

ok breathe I didn't want this to be a curse fest should be proud I'm trying not to curse like a sailor today. But yeh this last downfall has just caused me to not trust anyone around me, i can't believe people who I thought were my friends, didn't even give me a chance. No, because I'm not skinny or pretty or well known, no because I haven't been in any big bands in this damn scene. Not on talent alone but because of my image. So my plan is to take these couple of months and not see the people I have grown to despise, and to focus on my ultimate goal to possibly, like the person staring back at me. Altho its been hell the last 25 years and I've never been told by anyone that I'm acceptable always the freak of nature. Well this weird ass freak of nature is gonna do what she does and always has done best... Hide.

Don't get me wrong I'm not ending my life trust me i'm too pansy to, but I need to get away from this persona of a rock star that never was, I've tried since I was 12 or 13 to tell people I'm a great musician and not just me but Jenna as well and still to this day people don't believe what we say. We are never given a break no matter how hard we try. So she too is walking away for her I sense that she might not come back and just work on her craft on the side, she's been playing her guitar again. But now Tiva is her #1 and she doesn't want to lose her daughter. But i can't do projects without her, and not because I don't have the talent.. Its because I can't keep time and every time i audition for new projects i look like an idiot. So instead of fill myself with embarrassment i've decided to quit. I will find something else I'm good at, I will read the 20+ plus books sitting next to my bed, I will become thin again, and I will become the highest Magus Wizard on 101, i don't care about FFXI i hate playing by myself its just absolutely boring, and the whole reason I started at all was because Mark and Mom wanted something to share with me, yet i get to share nothing with them. I haven't partied with them on there for almost a year it seems, cos they have all their other friends, why play with a low level n00b.

Yeh anger it runs through me at alarming rates these days, I fear all those people whom i thought were evil are just normal, and i'm the monster. I really do hate people and I'm sick of pretending to be social cos yeh i really suck at it, so even tho Mark vows to get me out there to meet new people, the problem is i don't want to meet anyone. The last 10 years has been hell enough with the friendships i thought i gained only to have some (not all) of them just rip me down. I felt like one of the cool kids for once, but deep down i will always be the nerd girl trying to fit in somewhere I don't belong. The charade is up my friends i'm hoping i can gain some self respect instead of relying on people who are fake like acid tasting sugar. So now i vented and i'm logging off because really everything else is repeatative. Altho I still feel betrayed i never even got a chance, and that is all.

too much on my mind

So another night where i have too much on my mind. I think Im just hurt cos Ronan didnt come to the show last night. And I think i'm being too obsessive towards him, i have a inner feeling he is pulling away. Also i have a feeling that because everyone pairs us together and always asks me about him, i wonder if they ask him about me. So i would understand that he is a little freaked, cos i don't think he wants to be with me. But i know he has some deep stuff going on i just wish he could tell me so that i could help him or something. But yeh i only see him maybe once a month sometimes i'm spoiled and see him more.
I just wish that if he did like me he would at least tell me, whether we actually get to be a couple doesnt exactly bother me, i just want to know how he feels so i dont feel so pathetic. I just hate that I gte so damn attached like a lovesick puppy, it really just makes me feel so stupid. And no matter how I say im gonna just tell him what's on my mind.. I go near him and my brain cells leave. I can't even carry on a decent conversation with him cos it ends with yeh, uh huh, and really? I get so lost in just watching him, i get lost. Don't get me wrong i do listen to what he says and I do pay attention, but i have such a stupid brain that half the time i forget what he says. Then he thinks that because he has to keep reiterating everything that i wasnt listening. And that is SOO not true.
Then after talk serious with Mark and Jenna i didnt want to leave for work, i wanted to stay and continue and i was almost late because i didnt want to go. It was just a sad night saying bye to Robi and seeing everyone and all these people asking where Ronan was and the fact that I didn't know was sad, altho I am not his keeper and we dont really talk on a daily basis. half the time my mind tells me he probably doesnt think about me at all. I know he must but yeh that's a guess, and i got all emo because i was at work and Roots Radical came on and that used to be his txt tone on my other phone, then Pieces came on and that song makes me think of him. back to back it was horrid, im just glad that the other band that makes me think of him didnt come on.
I dont know why love is so lame and why i have to fall so bad, altho i give him props he is the first guy to really give me any positive response, but i dont know how to take his mood shifts like one minute, he seems glad to be near me and then the next he's running away. I think i freaked him out a bit at the show last week. he caught on that something was up and he didnt hang out near me after we had a spat because i told him i would walk with him and he said i didnt have to follow him. And said i was weird cos i was txting my bro while we were in the same venue. I couldnt tell him why my bro wasnt hanging with us, it would've been too embarrassing so i lied and said we were fighting. I don't think he believed me, and so i feel like a jerk cos i could've totally taken that moment and admitted what was really going on. But sadly i couldn't bring myself to tell him the real reason. So i fucked up royally with him and have been down on myself sense, why when i get caught in something do i have to automatically lie? Why couldn't i just tell him why my bro wasnt chilling with us.
I just feel so lost because i can't crack his walls, he won't let me get to know him and its not from a lack of trying. I think i can trust him and that scares the crap out of me, cos as everyone knows i have a hard time trusting anyone, let alone a dude. But fuck whatever its not like this drama will fix itself any time soon, we've been playing this game for a yr. So my patterns are repeating once again yayness.......... time for bed

oh wow

Ok so I've got it bad.... I should just end there but after last night, and what people supposedly asked my bro and my sister, I can't ignore our connections. Ronan pretty much has my heart I wish when I was around him I didnt get epically stupid. But yeh he does that to me, i guess that action is mutual cos he says stupid stuff too lol.

I dont want to rush things with him, wait yeh i do but i know he is chivalrous and i think hes kinda prude, im not saying that im not, but i think i got a step up on him against prudeness. Like i wish he would just tell me what he thinks, if he wants to play old school he should tell me first right? I think once he gets a job and is able to take me out he'll change his tune, so Im trying not to freak out, especially after last night when everyone said duh we know what's going on with you two. One of you have to make a move, and I dont want to be aggro so i have to say that I can't be the one to go first.

Altho im a sneaky bastard and gave him his 1rst bday card! And it was cute he took it back to his car so it wouldnt get ruined, that made me go AWW that he didnt want it damaged. Then he let me buy him a shot again, at least he's letting me do that he gets mad sometimes but meh he can deal its really all i get to buy him. I sound so high school in this sentence im a little scared!! Does liking someone tremendously do that to just about everyone?? Then i girlified myself out, just how much? I painted my nails i'll state for the record i like i painting my nails but because of my work they peel so fast i never do it. He got the painted nails cos I wanted to dress nice for his birthday.

He makes me giddy like a school girl and that really creeps me out lol, because i am an adult yet when im around him i feel elementary all over, i cant say anything intelligable and i do listen to what he says but i get so lost just space out lol.

its weird everyone in our group now asks me about him, where is he at did you talk to him recently, are you 2 together. its just im usually only tied to my sister and my brother. So its like we're already together in everyone elses eyes, we have a cheering section! Altho i wouldnt mind if the cheering section closest to him told him to make a move or something lol. No that would be pushing him and idk if he is ready for anything besides continuous flirty stuff lol.. which he is so cute lol... *gush entered here*

It was crazy last night no one from our group came up and talked with me and him cos we were standing off to the side, it really was date like because most people kept their distance, and they all get +1 xp for not staring this time. Altho i was embarasssed when my friends mom asked my brother if me a ronan were together! It shocked me cos i don't think anyone asks them that, well except Z asked mark once. Its like im finding out everyone is talking about us and asking my sibs if ronan and i are together cos we're elementary lol.
ok i have to stop here or its gonna be bigger gush city and i don't know how much i can really say right now that isnt a repeat......

backtracking and screwing things up

oh jeez where do i begin... i should just end this there because im so disappointed with myself right now... I know ive been bitching about ronan for months now, but he is for now the least of my issues. So i had a dream the other night about the dreaded V. It was horrible because it stirred up every emotion i have for him, and i say that not past tense because even tho i havent seen him since last july he is like a tattoo on my memory. Ive been lying to myself about him because he is but a ghost in my life, and my full attention should be on my newer interest. But yet again i carry so much regrets with the way i handled V, i think i feel that because he admitted that he liked me not fully, but by telling me he was jealous when he thought my brother was my boyfriend (hehe it still makes me laugh). And what did i do 2 months later i wrote to him cant remember what i said but it was pretty fucked up.

I just wish i could stop my madness cos i know he probably never thinks about me, and i am still lusting him :( The sad part is i keep seeing his jerk of a friend mr. decrepit and he is the last person i would ever want to see. I think i need therapy or something, i seriously need some help. Ive just been surrounded by black lately, everything i do is like a mimick of the life i used to celebrate. I feel so vague and out of touch. How did my life become so empty and so hard, i feel like a fake every day. I dont really like talking to anyone anymore, because i end up just complaining about everything thats wrong, my worries, my doubts. I just never thought id be so broken, i mean ive never been fully whole but ive just never felt depleted.

I just feel like there is no one i can talk to because everyone has their issues and how insensitive would i be to just want to pour out mine. But then everyone asks me advice and i feel like im lacking in that department how can i give people advice if i have never experienced anything. Mark says its because ill have an open mind and my answer would be more from my own heart, but i dont think people should trust my judgments not from my heart anyway. Im hopeless. I torture myself daily on what i will do with the messes that ive made in my life. And the truth i have no flipping idea what im doing, clueless, listless, disengaged.

I cant even voice the feeling i have radiating through me theres so much distaste where do i begin. And then im angry at myself because i told myself i would try to be more caring towards god, and yet i just cant bring myself to fully open up to the idea of religion. I went back into the caverns of my mind today and remembered my life and its weird when i was making up a rap at work it seemed like what i was saying was a lie, but sadly it wasnt. I look back at how ive been a failure since birth at least in my parents' eyes, i know my mom never wanted us and it doesnt change the past. I understand now that she has grown and ive forgiven her but that doesnt mean ill ever forget.. trust me its in my blood like a map that shows when my messed up psyche started... i can remember back till about 4 can i recall every incident no, but the damage is done that i remember anything at all.
Then ofcourse after i chastised my life i went on to my non existant love life and how time and again im screwing up any chance of happiness. Im scared to see ronan soon there is so much i want to ask but feel like its inappropriate to push him into something he might not be comfortable with. Im merely just talking about trying to open him up, he is just as bad as me hermit and all. I know we have things in common but he has accepted retribution i feel i am not worthy of being redeemed. Is that sacriligious?? i went as far as to view my attempted sacrifice and know that people say in the bible that even the attempt means condemnsion for life.

Then i know from what people have told me that god is forgiving and when its time to face him will he be able to forgive me? I feel like a monster, i feel wrong does that make sense? i have a month till my 2 week vacation, i seriously want to see about taking a mini vacation to a mental ward and see if i can be helped. I feel stupid asking my doctors to help find a place where i can just get some peace for a bit. but being an out patient over the last 2 decades hasnt helped so i need a stronger approach and thats why i feel this is a better option. to quietly sneak out of my life for 2 weeks no contact with others and my obsessions. my other option is to whole up into a motel for 2 weeks and not answer my phone but sadly that sounds worse than an institution.. who knows.. so the planning begins.

the coolest dream ever!!

Ok so I just say that cos it was a pretty awesome dream. Definitely awesome to wake up to... So i dreamt that i was at my friends show and our usual crew was there. At the same time everyone decided to go smoke so me and Ronan were left there to chat. He asked why i wasnt going out to smoke and i told him that i had quit around my last show, he seemed surprised cos ive now tried to quit at least 3 times. Well we were talking about something that concerned my niece and he asked if she called me Auntie Em. I just laughed and said that everyone eventually calls me that and then i argued that im pushing 30 not 60, and once im 60 then ive earned the right to be called that. I guess he didn't know my age cos he said "wait you're 30?" and i said this yr i will be still 29. He still said he thought i was younger than that which i get all the time so i didnt take offense. Anyway i said well you know how old i am how old are you, his answer older than that. I argued that wasnt a valid answer lol and that he knew my age so i should know his.. He eventually told me, and i told him that was cool.
Then I did something uncharacteristic of myself and asked him if i could kiss him, and he looked shocked and asked why. I replied that i thought he was attractive that i liked him and thought he was cute and funny. His reply is "so then you ask me for permission?" I said well most people dont and can get close to being decked or something so i thought i would be polite and ask. He just smiled and said yeh. Like a dork I answered yeh what? He just raised his eyebrows at me like he does and i got it. So then i kissed him and it was crazy i didnt really get the whole nervous, we're in front of a lot of people we know feeling. At that point didnt care. I guess while we were kissing our group came in from smoking but only my brother and sister saw us making out.
They waited til we werent kissing and walked up and my sister was like so can i get a soda? I said sure i wanted one too so i turned to Ronan and my brother and asked if they wanted anything. Ronan said no but i was like what about some water or something and he said ok to that. My brother also went to water route.
So my sis and i headed towards the bar for drinks and we didnt even make it there before she started asking what was going on.
I turned bright red and tried to give her a quick run down of what happened, she just smiled and said well its about freaking time. Then the dream just ended and it was just a very crazy dream cos my subconscious is cruel lol.

I dont know why but when i dream about Ronan im always the one taking the steps because i can tell he is really shy but then again i dont exactly know how he feels about me. Like the other day i dreamt that we were with our crew of peeps at this giant house and he at least let me hold his hand, so each dream is what baby steps. I just wish i had more guts to reveal my emotions in real life i seem to be more confident in sleep, but arent we all right!! Well gotta end there cos yay gotta go to work.

so the new year has a glitch lol

so after attempts to get my other kitty feeling better, he just looks miserable and the medicine is affecting him weirdly. So im quite upset but on Monday we'll have to put him to sleep. It just amazes me that both my cats who were brothers will die from cancer. Im wondering if their family has a higher cancer rate than most cats and if their other siblings will have the same fate? I will never know, but it is crazy that it is genetic in animals as well.

so today is a down day for me, i think i officially freaked Ronan out. Ive kinda thrown alot at him as far as my show and inviting him to this other one, and he seemed ok with those. But when i decide to see if he'll play the favourites game with me, thats when he decides to stay mum. I don't know what to think its like he is regretting liking me. I know its not true but thats how i feel because when i invite him to shows he's all on board but when i bring up hanging out without a show involved he never replies. i know he is super shy but im just not good at this sort of thing. everyone is giving me ideas to try and get to know him better but he doesnt seem to want to get to know me. I know we have things in common, but im just losing faith here, i dont want to be patient its not who i am, but every time im around him i get so stupid i wouldnt be able to tell him how i feel anyway.

Im lame i think about him a lot but its not really obssessive like ive been in the past its just impatience lol. Anyways if he doesnt want to talk to me thats just fine, im sick of always having to txt him and just randomly say hi.. he never does that for me. Its like if i dont txt him he doesnt even remember who the fuck i am. Im sick of being an after thought, i wish he woulda never asked me out for coffee, then i wouldnt know he likes me. But we still haven't even done that, its like his spur of the moment things and now its over. Well i'm over it, im not trying anymore. "You want me, come find me, make up your mind" Ev lyrics entered here lol
Im out