Soooo I like a guy we'll call him Jay, I know absolutely nothing about him but he makes me have butterflies. I've not had that feeling in a long time; just sucks that he's hot cos that means i'm invisible lmao. I fall too hard for people I know always a bad way to go especially since I have nothing to offer. I hate that I like him cos there is no way outside of ringing him up (which I hardly ever do) we don't talk I slightly stalked him just to find out his name and such and then found him on fbk. Realised he's way too young for me but at least he's awesome eye candy.
The last guy that gave me butterflies was a complete douche. And well today Jay was sort of a jerk to me :'( So usually when he comes to the checkstand he always has headphones in so after many attempts to say hi where he didn't hear me, I just wave at him, usually he'll take a bud out and say hi and converse with me. Today I was the one with the headphones in so i still just waved but he didn't wave back. It made me kinda sad. Then when I went to put my things away he walked by me so i waved and mouthed goodbye and he just did a short nod didn't even say anything.
Now i know i'm overreacting cos if I remember correctly today is his Monday so i think he's always crabby; but i've had a horrible week was wanting to see him all week just cos he makes me smile. And I walked out of work today just bummed. I didn't finish my tags since i got screwed over yesterday and am praying tomorrow i can get my shit together and finish everything. I'm soooo fucking sick of being screwed over whether its with tags or cashiering like what did I do that put me on the shitlist? And i'm bummed cos i know tomorrow is gonna be another shit day and will probably have to work off the clock which i hate to do but i don't want to leave anything for laura on monday.
Anyways I've been dealing with so much lately that I feel despondant with everything like nothing i do is good enough and i just want to fade away. I've tried the last many months to still go to trailside and still pretend i fit in there, but its so massively apparent that I don't. I mean I have 'friends' if you will but i'm not particularly close to any of them I talk to none of them outside of the bar. But i feel its my only way to ever see my sister which makes it that much more depressing. Then I know i gave up on music i chose to whether in my hands or not but still miss it more that i care to admit. And the fact that I've said in the company of those friends that I miss it and nothing comes of it reminds me of why I walked away. I think the one that pisses me off the most is my sister; since may she's been going off about wanting a project since IAAM went on hiatus. I kept being like hello I want a project too.. And i think the worse part is every time I'd throw my name in the hat to start a project she'd stutter and be like well i don't know we'll see. Now amazingly enough all of IAAM is now back in state and wanting to restart everything and now she posts on fbk about a music project coming up. I'm actually very hurt because she never comes out and says she doesn't want to do a project with me, she just dances around the topic. And if I call her out on it then i'm being an asshole and trying to start a fight.
So as it stands I sit there hanging out at the local bar and craving for a chance to be on stage again and even my sister doesn't want to work with me, which makes me even more self conscious and petty. I have nothing left to live for. I don't know what is wrong with me but i'm NOT ok. My anxiety and depression are through the roof, i'm either sleeping too much or not enough and i have no energy to be human. I don't go out drinking to meet people I rarely even go to karaoke anymore; and even though i crave interaction its not the kind i need.
Then there is a part of me that is a huge jerk cos i'm really pissed off that my sister had a boyfriend and now they're married and I don't have my sister at all. At least when they were dating she still lived here but in may they moved out together and then in july they were married and there was a whole bunch of drama with that as well that honestly i'm still not fully ok with. But now fast fwd to next month when they're doing a thing for the wedding and shit. I'm actually going out of my comfort zone to transform myself girly just so i don't embarrass her like cos i know with how i have to dress she's embarrassed to be around me. I'm embarrassed to be around me too. But i almost feel like i'm trying too hard just so I can get a compliment like i clean up well or something bwahaha.
Deep down I wish that Jay would come to the bar and see me prettyfied cos that's the only way he'd even see me as human. Everyone at work thinks i'm so nice and sweet and then they find out that I'm actually the biggest asshole you'll ever meet. Yes I throw tantrums and I pull rank all the time because i've done my time with all the shit jobs and god with the sleep issues going on i'm not sleeping well and its making me into this monotone robot. For all the times i say that i don't feel normal now its a reality.
Urgh now i'm feeling groggy and want to sleep my day away i really need energy so i can do laundry and get a shower and I just don't want to... So with that I've got to log off and revel in my darkness and pray for some light to find me.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
3 years later
Ironic... That is the word that reverberates inside my head as I sit here to revel in my woes, because I still have no one I can tell my thoughts to. How many times does it take of dealing with people and feeling dead before one realises that they're not meant to be around people. I try to be smiley and happy so people believe that I'm normal. Oh hell if people knew my alienation, how no matter if i'm in a sea of people or just a little throng of friends that I still feel like an outcast. I'm still the person who has to message my so called friends to arrange a hang out; they don't bother texting me asking my days off or if we can hang out. So then i stop texting them and low and behold I feel guilty for doing so, like I'm the asshole because I gave up once again. Then i get regretful and re-message them trying to patch up what doesn't exist.
Just once, I want someone to care. I don't need rockstar treatment but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt to be ignored. For example, last night; I decided to be Panda's ride to Trailside since my sister had to work. It was hip-hop night (or supposed to be) only 1 out of 5 artists showed up so we got an impromptu karaoke night. And I felt sooo old and out of place. cos lets be serious for a moment I do love getting the attention about my voice, I just don't take compliments well. And so it was a complete buzzkill to have a better singer than me there and hearing everyone give her praise. I'm not hating on her she is a sweet girl and yes an amazing singer and dancer. Any time she would sing everyone would run in from outside to listen to her, the only time they did that for me was on my first song which of course was Evanescence and I do rock it, but after that nobody listened to me. That was really the only praise I got all night was the bartender saying great job.
I wanted to cry by the end of the night and almost did a couple of times, among people who are essentially my friends i felt so alone; I tried to go hang out with Panda a couple of times cos he seemed upset but I could tell he didn't want me near him so i went and sat by myself pretending to have fun. I am my worst critic and was so disappointed on everything else i sang and felt worse when no one was listening. Cos honestly who wants to watch and listen to the ugly fat girl when you've got a skinny pretty girl who sounds better.
I get competitive when it comes to singing cos I've worked my entire life to have an amazing voice and getting sick in December and practically coughing up my lungs for 3 weeks damaged what I had left of my voice. Without my voice I am nothing, I have no specialty otherwise.
Then the night before i helped at Pit Stop and everyone kept ditching me at the door by myself all night, it sucks cos I don't really smoke anymore i bummed a few smokes off of Panda but otherwise both nights were so boring and just kept reminding me that I don't belong there. But i go every week because the only other interaction i get with people is at my work and i've been so frustrated that I've been a real cunt there as well. I've lost all interest of being online and have been spending all my free time reading. But again its a stark reminder that books always have romance and situations and experiences i will never have.
It reminds me that the only person who ever kinda hits on me is porkchop and I think because he didn't snag Jenna and we're twins he thinks i'm a good settlement, I'm not. I will never be as good as Jenna, I will never be acceptable like her. People use her because she is there like PK, or AH like a conquest. Panda is the only one who treats her right; but he is bad at normal interactions as well always saying he'll be in trouble if he talks to another girl or that he'll get his ass kicked for a girl trying to flirt with him, its a bit silly. No one seems to get that we aren't normal.
it's funny in that aspect it's great to not be normal cos i'm sick of all these guys bitchin about what they have to do for their fucking cunts, what they have to give up and be slaves to the vagina.. like what's the point if you can't be a human being, if you want something you can program buy a fucking robot.
I wish i could figure out why i'm so hateful, why nothing motivates me, and my dreams are dead. At 34 yrs old I'll never be a musician, i'll never get to travel around the world and even if i did all my fbk friends and i no longer talk; i've essentially become a hermit and would rather hide in my room and sleep or read a book than get on fbk and pretend to want to be there. Same with the music scene I've lost all sense of belonging; i'm not interesting enough to hold a conversation with and am just an awkward reminder of why i don't go out.
I feel like i just need to step away from the scene because i'm already a newb there, everyone is already friends and family and there are only a small few who hold that place in my heart but I still don't feel connected to them not really.
What am I supposed to do with my life? Why can't i cheer up and find some way to fix everything why the resignation, i've given up on the possibility of being a musician, i've given up the possibility of having a boyfriend,a house, a family. I've come to be comfortable in my darkness but so lonely in it as well. I'm such a mess and I have nowhere to turn. I lost all my friends, I lost my sister, I can't talk to my family or co-workers. I am now and forever just with me. I am truly alone.
Just once, I want someone to care. I don't need rockstar treatment but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt to be ignored. For example, last night; I decided to be Panda's ride to Trailside since my sister had to work. It was hip-hop night (or supposed to be) only 1 out of 5 artists showed up so we got an impromptu karaoke night. And I felt sooo old and out of place. cos lets be serious for a moment I do love getting the attention about my voice, I just don't take compliments well. And so it was a complete buzzkill to have a better singer than me there and hearing everyone give her praise. I'm not hating on her she is a sweet girl and yes an amazing singer and dancer. Any time she would sing everyone would run in from outside to listen to her, the only time they did that for me was on my first song which of course was Evanescence and I do rock it, but after that nobody listened to me. That was really the only praise I got all night was the bartender saying great job.
I wanted to cry by the end of the night and almost did a couple of times, among people who are essentially my friends i felt so alone; I tried to go hang out with Panda a couple of times cos he seemed upset but I could tell he didn't want me near him so i went and sat by myself pretending to have fun. I am my worst critic and was so disappointed on everything else i sang and felt worse when no one was listening. Cos honestly who wants to watch and listen to the ugly fat girl when you've got a skinny pretty girl who sounds better.
I get competitive when it comes to singing cos I've worked my entire life to have an amazing voice and getting sick in December and practically coughing up my lungs for 3 weeks damaged what I had left of my voice. Without my voice I am nothing, I have no specialty otherwise.
Then the night before i helped at Pit Stop and everyone kept ditching me at the door by myself all night, it sucks cos I don't really smoke anymore i bummed a few smokes off of Panda but otherwise both nights were so boring and just kept reminding me that I don't belong there. But i go every week because the only other interaction i get with people is at my work and i've been so frustrated that I've been a real cunt there as well. I've lost all interest of being online and have been spending all my free time reading. But again its a stark reminder that books always have romance and situations and experiences i will never have.
It reminds me that the only person who ever kinda hits on me is porkchop and I think because he didn't snag Jenna and we're twins he thinks i'm a good settlement, I'm not. I will never be as good as Jenna, I will never be acceptable like her. People use her because she is there like PK, or AH like a conquest. Panda is the only one who treats her right; but he is bad at normal interactions as well always saying he'll be in trouble if he talks to another girl or that he'll get his ass kicked for a girl trying to flirt with him, its a bit silly. No one seems to get that we aren't normal.
it's funny in that aspect it's great to not be normal cos i'm sick of all these guys bitchin about what they have to do for their fucking cunts, what they have to give up and be slaves to the vagina.. like what's the point if you can't be a human being, if you want something you can program buy a fucking robot.
I wish i could figure out why i'm so hateful, why nothing motivates me, and my dreams are dead. At 34 yrs old I'll never be a musician, i'll never get to travel around the world and even if i did all my fbk friends and i no longer talk; i've essentially become a hermit and would rather hide in my room and sleep or read a book than get on fbk and pretend to want to be there. Same with the music scene I've lost all sense of belonging; i'm not interesting enough to hold a conversation with and am just an awkward reminder of why i don't go out.
I feel like i just need to step away from the scene because i'm already a newb there, everyone is already friends and family and there are only a small few who hold that place in my heart but I still don't feel connected to them not really.
What am I supposed to do with my life? Why can't i cheer up and find some way to fix everything why the resignation, i've given up on the possibility of being a musician, i've given up the possibility of having a boyfriend,a house, a family. I've come to be comfortable in my darkness but so lonely in it as well. I'm such a mess and I have nowhere to turn. I lost all my friends, I lost my sister, I can't talk to my family or co-workers. I am now and forever just with me. I am truly alone.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Wow crazyiness abounds
So a couple weeks ago my sister played a show with her friend's band filling in on vocals. I know so shocking lol, first we went to see another friend's show and ran into an old friend I haven't seen for a good couple of years. It was so great to see him and he seemed really happy and it was a good change in him. Anyways he decided to come along to Jenna's show and seemed really happy to see her perform since we've all been out of the scene for a better part of 2 years or more. Once we pulled up to the venue he started freaking out a bit and said that people were looking at him and judging him, I didn't see or feel that from anyone not directly. So he kept walking around and being super paranoid and he was upset because he wanted a drink but has only been sober for a little while. So he told me to help him not buy any alcohol, but then he kept running off and right as the band was getting ready to start. it bothered me cos I promised I would help him but I was there for my sister and she was plenty nervous. Well a mutual friend went and sat with him and helped him not drink which made me feel better. Well prior to making it to my sister's show my friend and I were talking about all the crap that went down; and as to why I walked away from music.
He asked about everything and it led to bringing up Ronan; he asked what really happened between the 2 of us. I didn't really get to tell him everything but i told him why i unfriended Ronan, I told him I did miss the idiot but was too prideful to say anything to Ronan about it. ( I miss a lot of the friends I abandoned in the scene but they obviously haven't missed me as we barely talk anymore. I don't even belong in the music scene anymore I don't know anyone and its like starting at square 1 and I've done that way too many times to count and I just can't be bothered; even tho i miss performing singing my heart out and shedding anger and sweat on stage there is no other feeling on this planet) Anyways back to that night, my friend said he needed to go for a walk and ofcourse that worried me a lot but what can ya do right. Well I was outside on the smoking patio and he came out and said that he was leaving, and that Ronan was there to pick him up. And of course I was like Ronan, Ronan? and he said yes so i freaked and was like idk if i should go talk to him. And he was all like its up to you, but all night he kept asking me what should he do about this situation blah blah, but wouldn't return the favor.
So I braved my pride and walked outside with him and came face to face with Ronan whom I haven't seen since 2011. It was awkward but pleasant he was actually kind of nice side the part where he tried to make me feel stupid about some lame christian project he's a part of, cos he assumed I thought it was a band with big named people ummm yeh right.
Anyway he kinda ruined my night by just seeing him, cos just looking into those eyes brought back the flood of everything that had broken my spirit 2 years prior, i ended up sitting in the car bawling my eyes out while my sister was inside the venue smoozing with the lame ass metal scene. She came out and asked if i was hungry and said we would go eat and then someone's friends' band was playing so thats when she went back inside and I sat outside like an idiot crying. I tried to text a couple friends that knew the back story but neither offered any reprieve from my pain which made it worse. I realised then at that very moment that I don't have a best friend that I can talk to about stupid crap like running into an ex or which brand of shoes look decent on my hobbit feet. It was a sad moment, and I wish I could rewind something in my heart that has blocked everyone out. I want to find a moment and take it back, every back stabbing word that came out of anger, every abandoned text or show invite.
I don't even find timeless comfort in the games i used to play on facebook they're all so boring and repetative. I tried to play some xbox360 games and realised i'm even bad at those so I'm no gamer, I'm horrible at D&D and Marvel Heroes. The only rpg game i'm relatively good at is wizards101 and I have no one to play with me there either. I have recently only found comfort in books, they don't judge me they just feed me fantasy stories I wish I could live. To be a mage in renaissance times, or a shadow hunter who was born to kill demons and evil things or a half aedh/ werewolf who can kick ass and have endless sex. those are the stories that i read or your percy jackson stories, I've read so many series' just in the past 6 months that lately when I have extra money its usually for a damn kindle card lol.
And my dad wonders where I'm getting all these gas points from, he should just be lucky i don't go out of my way to get gas in my car so that he can enjoy the fruits of my addiction. I also hate reading these books because even through every challenge there is always a reward for the hero/heroine. I would just once like to be pretty enough for even a blatantly boring guy would find me somewhat attractive. I get so sad because I know unless I'm a size zero slut I'll never have a guy truly look at me. I always tell people that i'm content in the friend zone but it definitely hurts when you fall for someone and they don't even notice. I don't want to get married or anything cos in this day and age that means nothing, but I can't even find a guy who wants to hold my hand go to dinner and a movie or just sit in the grass at a park, but those are daydreams, no matter how I try to lose weight finally smoked my last cigarette and have been pretty successful and cutting soda almost completely out (i know energy drinks are just as bad) one step at a time. I play tennis when I can but i sabotage myself cos i am a stress eater and all I ever want is to shove food down my throat. Its like i just want to give up on trying but i'm miserable my whole body is sore all the time and I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me.
I can't even go to my friend's wedding at the end of August because I can't afford to purchase 2 airline seats for my fat ass. I can't go to the amusement park with my niece and I refuse to even eye a bathing suit cos I'll never wear one in public. Fuck my life. I'm logging off and searching for some dinner before i have to head to bed. I wonder how much a hired sharpshooter costs? Not like i could afford a hitman because I can't even afford to fix my tooth or get plastic surgery. One day I will look normal.. I wonder if I'll ever get the surgeries I need. One day...
He asked about everything and it led to bringing up Ronan; he asked what really happened between the 2 of us. I didn't really get to tell him everything but i told him why i unfriended Ronan, I told him I did miss the idiot but was too prideful to say anything to Ronan about it. ( I miss a lot of the friends I abandoned in the scene but they obviously haven't missed me as we barely talk anymore. I don't even belong in the music scene anymore I don't know anyone and its like starting at square 1 and I've done that way too many times to count and I just can't be bothered; even tho i miss performing singing my heart out and shedding anger and sweat on stage there is no other feeling on this planet) Anyways back to that night, my friend said he needed to go for a walk and ofcourse that worried me a lot but what can ya do right. Well I was outside on the smoking patio and he came out and said that he was leaving, and that Ronan was there to pick him up. And of course I was like Ronan, Ronan? and he said yes so i freaked and was like idk if i should go talk to him. And he was all like its up to you, but all night he kept asking me what should he do about this situation blah blah, but wouldn't return the favor.
So I braved my pride and walked outside with him and came face to face with Ronan whom I haven't seen since 2011. It was awkward but pleasant he was actually kind of nice side the part where he tried to make me feel stupid about some lame christian project he's a part of, cos he assumed I thought it was a band with big named people ummm yeh right.
Anyway he kinda ruined my night by just seeing him, cos just looking into those eyes brought back the flood of everything that had broken my spirit 2 years prior, i ended up sitting in the car bawling my eyes out while my sister was inside the venue smoozing with the lame ass metal scene. She came out and asked if i was hungry and said we would go eat and then someone's friends' band was playing so thats when she went back inside and I sat outside like an idiot crying. I tried to text a couple friends that knew the back story but neither offered any reprieve from my pain which made it worse. I realised then at that very moment that I don't have a best friend that I can talk to about stupid crap like running into an ex or which brand of shoes look decent on my hobbit feet. It was a sad moment, and I wish I could rewind something in my heart that has blocked everyone out. I want to find a moment and take it back, every back stabbing word that came out of anger, every abandoned text or show invite.
I don't even find timeless comfort in the games i used to play on facebook they're all so boring and repetative. I tried to play some xbox360 games and realised i'm even bad at those so I'm no gamer, I'm horrible at D&D and Marvel Heroes. The only rpg game i'm relatively good at is wizards101 and I have no one to play with me there either. I have recently only found comfort in books, they don't judge me they just feed me fantasy stories I wish I could live. To be a mage in renaissance times, or a shadow hunter who was born to kill demons and evil things or a half aedh/ werewolf who can kick ass and have endless sex. those are the stories that i read or your percy jackson stories, I've read so many series' just in the past 6 months that lately when I have extra money its usually for a damn kindle card lol.
And my dad wonders where I'm getting all these gas points from, he should just be lucky i don't go out of my way to get gas in my car so that he can enjoy the fruits of my addiction. I also hate reading these books because even through every challenge there is always a reward for the hero/heroine. I would just once like to be pretty enough for even a blatantly boring guy would find me somewhat attractive. I get so sad because I know unless I'm a size zero slut I'll never have a guy truly look at me. I always tell people that i'm content in the friend zone but it definitely hurts when you fall for someone and they don't even notice. I don't want to get married or anything cos in this day and age that means nothing, but I can't even find a guy who wants to hold my hand go to dinner and a movie or just sit in the grass at a park, but those are daydreams, no matter how I try to lose weight finally smoked my last cigarette and have been pretty successful and cutting soda almost completely out (i know energy drinks are just as bad) one step at a time. I play tennis when I can but i sabotage myself cos i am a stress eater and all I ever want is to shove food down my throat. Its like i just want to give up on trying but i'm miserable my whole body is sore all the time and I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me.
I can't even go to my friend's wedding at the end of August because I can't afford to purchase 2 airline seats for my fat ass. I can't go to the amusement park with my niece and I refuse to even eye a bathing suit cos I'll never wear one in public. Fuck my life. I'm logging off and searching for some dinner before i have to head to bed. I wonder how much a hired sharpshooter costs? Not like i could afford a hitman because I can't even afford to fix my tooth or get plastic surgery. One day I will look normal.. I wonder if I'll ever get the surgeries I need. One day...
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Wow what a different prospective
I really need to write here today. I've been thinking about my life and no, there is nothing exciting or new. I'm still the hermit who answers people with the yeh we should hang out sometime, and know that we probably never will. Its almost a generic answer these days especially when I run into old school friends and look back at how when I went to school(mainly college) that I had an abundance of free time to hang with said friends. Then I got into my first band and that was a whirwind 2 years. After that I dropped out of college, I had wanted to pay my own way hence only taking a couple classes here or there; it was a shining accomplishment to be able to say that I paid my way through it. Well then band stuff became more great work screwed me over with hours at work where it was nearly impossible to even make it to class or actually get any homework done. Needless to say I failed the 3rd time I went. I did 4 semesters total but only took a class or 2 each time. Trust me I would've rather gone full time but yeh my parents couldn't pay for my classes and I never wanted one of those loans or grants you had to pay back. I was already in enough financial trouble I didn't need to add to it.
The reason I'm bringing up the college thing is because I made the most awesomest friend the 4th semester that I went. Because of work I failed English my 3rd time I went so I got a D you have to get a C or better to actually get credit for the class. So back to the 4th semester the teacher made us go around and say what we did outside of school what our hobbies were. Of course mine was music, and so I told everyone what my past time was. After class a girl walked up to me and said hey you said you played music what do you play and I laughed cos i can't play an instrument to save my life so I was like hey I'm a singer and she was like hey I play guitar. The friendship was bonded then we started talking about punk and rap music and she was a vegan. I was like wow you're the first person I've met in a long time who understands my eating habits lol. Anyways we were friends for years even after I dropped out of school we still found time to hang out and do movie nights or go to shows, she came to a couple of my 2nd band's shows and it was just awesome!! I still remember her fave song was Serotonin lol.
Anyway I ruined our friendship over a stupid boy who broke my heart anyways :( We went to this show a couple years back and I was nervous if I would see this boy there cos he was in the metal scene but also a rapper. Gods he had me hooked, I knew he was bad for me but there were moments he would be so damn sweet that it usually overrode that he was an asshole other times. Well in this scenario I was the asshole. Call it guilty conscious or whatever. So I asked my friend if she wanted to stand in this one spot and she was like nah i'm gonna sit here at the bar i'm pretty exhausted, i was sad cos i wanted her to stand with me; and in reality I should've stayed with her. But he asked if I wanted to stand with him and his friends and my heart got all giddy and asked my friend if it was ok. She said yeh, but the empath part of me felt she was bummed since we had gone to the show together to hang out. I had a good time at the show but knew I messed up bad and it was after that she moved away and we lost even more contact and there were times she was in state and I didn't even know.
Then I would text or email her and get a response or she'd call. And I remember the last time she called me I was in the car with my friend and his mom and they were talking kinda loud so I couldn't hear her so I told her I'd call her back when we got back to the house from doing the shopping run. We didnt get back till well after 8pm and I had to lay down for work i think, and yup I forgot to call her back, this happened so many times with her and my other friends still. That she just stopped trying and I don't blame her. Im a crappy friend lol.
Fast forward to my life now, ever since I got hurt by my friends in the music scene and a different boy than the above mentioned and with the downfall of my band, I broke down and am just not the same. I stopped supporting a lot of the bands in Denver cos my mind was telling me that nobody really gave a crap about me, and I know that's not true about some of the peoples; but the others I still don't trust. Anyways i walked away from music, I don't sing unless its with my headphones at work, I haven't played my piano in a really long time and I don't write anymore. Plus my best friend was my driver and because of him i was able to go everywhere and be social. Well him and I haven't gotten to hang out at all in the last year or so only a couple times, he has found new friends at work that live close to him and are cooler than me lol. It hurts yeh but it is a needed break because we hurt each other pretty bad and there is still anger and sadness in that. Anyways the only way I was social was because of him, cos he liked driving my car and going out.
I felt like I used him because I knew he liked to drive and I absolutely hate driving especially downtown. He would drive me to said wherever and I would pay for us both to get in, needless to say I ran out of money from going to bars, local and national shows. So now I don't go anywhere. I hate asking for rides cos mine always comes with restrictions, nobody really lives up here and on the weekends I always have to work so I can't stay as late as everyone else. He knew that and worked my schedule perfectly, well then he got a job and wham hang out time was over. I never know his days off and we don't really talk more than once a week or so, and its just to tell each other to have a good day.
So I have friends and all but most of them live down in Aurora area, and they all work during the day and Im still a freaking vampire. So I spend my time either playing apps on facebook pretending I have gaming friends and family or reading. In the past 4 months alone I've read over 20 or so books. I even bought myself a xbox 360 for xmas and have played it only 3 times. I don't even have the energy to go sit out in the room next to mine and play games on there cos even there im still a loner.
My sister works all the time now, so even our friendship is dwindling, I used to look forward to Weds or Thurs nights where we'd hanker down and watch Supernatural on dvd. We are still currently on the last episode of season 6 going on 6 months lol and I even have Season 7 ready to go. I'd have a better chance of watching it on my own time, yet I really don't feel like it. I have that one and 3 other series' to watch and i just don't have the fancy to watch them either. How did I become such a loser?? I was never not a loser but lately I just feel so useless.
I'm sorry this is a freaking novel, I had really wanted to talk about this paranormal investigation I did a week or so ago but that would take up more room so i think i'll start a new thread about that one. even tho it kinda sucked too lol.
The reason I'm bringing up the college thing is because I made the most awesomest friend the 4th semester that I went. Because of work I failed English my 3rd time I went so I got a D you have to get a C or better to actually get credit for the class. So back to the 4th semester the teacher made us go around and say what we did outside of school what our hobbies were. Of course mine was music, and so I told everyone what my past time was. After class a girl walked up to me and said hey you said you played music what do you play and I laughed cos i can't play an instrument to save my life so I was like hey I'm a singer and she was like hey I play guitar. The friendship was bonded then we started talking about punk and rap music and she was a vegan. I was like wow you're the first person I've met in a long time who understands my eating habits lol. Anyways we were friends for years even after I dropped out of school we still found time to hang out and do movie nights or go to shows, she came to a couple of my 2nd band's shows and it was just awesome!! I still remember her fave song was Serotonin lol.
Anyway I ruined our friendship over a stupid boy who broke my heart anyways :( We went to this show a couple years back and I was nervous if I would see this boy there cos he was in the metal scene but also a rapper. Gods he had me hooked, I knew he was bad for me but there were moments he would be so damn sweet that it usually overrode that he was an asshole other times. Well in this scenario I was the asshole. Call it guilty conscious or whatever. So I asked my friend if she wanted to stand in this one spot and she was like nah i'm gonna sit here at the bar i'm pretty exhausted, i was sad cos i wanted her to stand with me; and in reality I should've stayed with her. But he asked if I wanted to stand with him and his friends and my heart got all giddy and asked my friend if it was ok. She said yeh, but the empath part of me felt she was bummed since we had gone to the show together to hang out. I had a good time at the show but knew I messed up bad and it was after that she moved away and we lost even more contact and there were times she was in state and I didn't even know.
Then I would text or email her and get a response or she'd call. And I remember the last time she called me I was in the car with my friend and his mom and they were talking kinda loud so I couldn't hear her so I told her I'd call her back when we got back to the house from doing the shopping run. We didnt get back till well after 8pm and I had to lay down for work i think, and yup I forgot to call her back, this happened so many times with her and my other friends still. That she just stopped trying and I don't blame her. Im a crappy friend lol.
Fast forward to my life now, ever since I got hurt by my friends in the music scene and a different boy than the above mentioned and with the downfall of my band, I broke down and am just not the same. I stopped supporting a lot of the bands in Denver cos my mind was telling me that nobody really gave a crap about me, and I know that's not true about some of the peoples; but the others I still don't trust. Anyways i walked away from music, I don't sing unless its with my headphones at work, I haven't played my piano in a really long time and I don't write anymore. Plus my best friend was my driver and because of him i was able to go everywhere and be social. Well him and I haven't gotten to hang out at all in the last year or so only a couple times, he has found new friends at work that live close to him and are cooler than me lol. It hurts yeh but it is a needed break because we hurt each other pretty bad and there is still anger and sadness in that. Anyways the only way I was social was because of him, cos he liked driving my car and going out.
I felt like I used him because I knew he liked to drive and I absolutely hate driving especially downtown. He would drive me to said wherever and I would pay for us both to get in, needless to say I ran out of money from going to bars, local and national shows. So now I don't go anywhere. I hate asking for rides cos mine always comes with restrictions, nobody really lives up here and on the weekends I always have to work so I can't stay as late as everyone else. He knew that and worked my schedule perfectly, well then he got a job and wham hang out time was over. I never know his days off and we don't really talk more than once a week or so, and its just to tell each other to have a good day.
So I have friends and all but most of them live down in Aurora area, and they all work during the day and Im still a freaking vampire. So I spend my time either playing apps on facebook pretending I have gaming friends and family or reading. In the past 4 months alone I've read over 20 or so books. I even bought myself a xbox 360 for xmas and have played it only 3 times. I don't even have the energy to go sit out in the room next to mine and play games on there cos even there im still a loner.
My sister works all the time now, so even our friendship is dwindling, I used to look forward to Weds or Thurs nights where we'd hanker down and watch Supernatural on dvd. We are still currently on the last episode of season 6 going on 6 months lol and I even have Season 7 ready to go. I'd have a better chance of watching it on my own time, yet I really don't feel like it. I have that one and 3 other series' to watch and i just don't have the fancy to watch them either. How did I become such a loser?? I was never not a loser but lately I just feel so useless.
I'm sorry this is a freaking novel, I had really wanted to talk about this paranormal investigation I did a week or so ago but that would take up more room so i think i'll start a new thread about that one. even tho it kinda sucked too lol.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
In Need Of A Friend Today
Omg that is all I can really say right now. I'm not at a loss for words but a loss on how to reflect about them. Tonight started out as stupid fun with co-workers that turned into a not so fun evening for everyone. People were drinking and things quickly escalated to scary, and also embarrassing for one or more peoples involved. So at first it was kind of amusing when Wolfe had to go throw up because he was to the point in his drunken state to where if he threw up he'd feel better and calm down a bit. He gets too hyper and a tad annoying but you'd never hear me say that out loud to him. After about 15 minutes concern started hitting the table so we sent some of the other boys at our table in to check on him and they came out saying damn he's fucked up but it was still all in jest. After 20-30 minutes my worrier kicked in and I knew it was more severe than that, but waited since I am girl after all and cannot go into the men's room. And my anxiety kicked in I knew I would need to use my "Rogue Powers" as I call them. So I announced at the table that I would go in and see what I could do, imagine having your co-workers look at you with a bit of a crazy eye, that's the stares I got, so I quickly explained that I'm an empath and I'm a mutated one at best because I can pull and manipulate energy.
Needless to say they told me to go and do what I could so I walked into the men's bathroom standing with guys from my work and told them to let me touch his skin which sounds weird yes but I have to have skin to skin contact to be fully affective. (side note here I think all the guys that were present from my work are hot, just all under my age so I never confess anything, even about the infected party) So yes I was aware that they all looked at me like I was crazy, so I leaned into the stall and latched onto Wolfe's arm and started swirling his energies to pull out the negative ones and replace them with a healing 'cleansed' energy. I had gotten him to cool down excessively within about 10 minutes of pulling and got his breathing a bit on track.
Then all hell broke loose the manager said he was scared and worried and called the cops, I had asked one of the guys how much he drank and told me that he had also taken a couple hits of weed. From talking with Wolfe in the past I know his body cannot handle weed it makes him sick, pile that on top of drinks and a couple of bbq wings and that isn't a good combo. At that point I had to pull out as much energy as possible because we had to get him outside, i couldn't keep him cooled down inside. It took a lot to get him outside but he did considerably better and i still tried to move around his energy but have to be careful cos if i pull too much it could make it worse. But i think i pulled enough. So everyone was laughing about the situation wherein I was just asking him how he was doing. No one at work knows that I have a crush on Wolfe and have had one for about 3 years but I am a firm believer of never getting with people you work with. And we are definitely not of each others' types. I usually go for thugger or musician guys; he is a musician sort of but is more of your college prep/ boy next door type. But he is attractive and I get his mood swings. But he likes the skinny, pretty girls and of that I am neither and he hates tattoos and piercings on girls except the nose he doesn't mind that.
Anyway it was horrible seeing him like this and people laughing at his expense cos yes we have all been there save the hockey player he's only 19 I believe and a goody. But it made him more embarrassed and of course I care, but hopefully the people at work will look at me taking care of him as a sort of motherly thing and not hey she likes him. Cos yeh i'm a glutton for punishment. So here comes the broken heart part, I come to find out that he was hoping to go to this girl's house (we shall call her K-stew cos she's all the rage to hate these days) after the get together cos supposedly they've been linked. And he still ended up over there cos he couldn't go home, I think him and his dad had a fight over his drinking and said if he was drunk not to come home even tho his dad works overnights and wouldn't be there. Picked that up from the energy drain so yeh it was a sad moment. But then it hurt to see that some other bitch could take care of him, i hope she does cos i will kick her ass if she does not. No not jealous am I?
So to end off the night I pretty much found out Wolfe is with some skinny ass hoe, and figured that's why he is transferring stores so he can be with her. I am now my work's own three ring circus and they won't look at me the same, and now i have an even bigger empty heart. I really wish I could not think guys are cute seriously why look when I can never have, and at my age and with my lack of everything i'll never find a relationship. But thats a whole nother ball park and i need to end this so i can relax before i have to go to work, i would take a nap but it would be futile since i go in at 4. urgh smh.. oh the reason for this post is I have no one I can talk to about my feelings so here i am posting them to the empty void, now i will log out.
Needless to say they told me to go and do what I could so I walked into the men's bathroom standing with guys from my work and told them to let me touch his skin which sounds weird yes but I have to have skin to skin contact to be fully affective. (side note here I think all the guys that were present from my work are hot, just all under my age so I never confess anything, even about the infected party) So yes I was aware that they all looked at me like I was crazy, so I leaned into the stall and latched onto Wolfe's arm and started swirling his energies to pull out the negative ones and replace them with a healing 'cleansed' energy. I had gotten him to cool down excessively within about 10 minutes of pulling and got his breathing a bit on track.
Then all hell broke loose the manager said he was scared and worried and called the cops, I had asked one of the guys how much he drank and told me that he had also taken a couple hits of weed. From talking with Wolfe in the past I know his body cannot handle weed it makes him sick, pile that on top of drinks and a couple of bbq wings and that isn't a good combo. At that point I had to pull out as much energy as possible because we had to get him outside, i couldn't keep him cooled down inside. It took a lot to get him outside but he did considerably better and i still tried to move around his energy but have to be careful cos if i pull too much it could make it worse. But i think i pulled enough. So everyone was laughing about the situation wherein I was just asking him how he was doing. No one at work knows that I have a crush on Wolfe and have had one for about 3 years but I am a firm believer of never getting with people you work with. And we are definitely not of each others' types. I usually go for thugger or musician guys; he is a musician sort of but is more of your college prep/ boy next door type. But he is attractive and I get his mood swings. But he likes the skinny, pretty girls and of that I am neither and he hates tattoos and piercings on girls except the nose he doesn't mind that.
Anyway it was horrible seeing him like this and people laughing at his expense cos yes we have all been there save the hockey player he's only 19 I believe and a goody. But it made him more embarrassed and of course I care, but hopefully the people at work will look at me taking care of him as a sort of motherly thing and not hey she likes him. Cos yeh i'm a glutton for punishment. So here comes the broken heart part, I come to find out that he was hoping to go to this girl's house (we shall call her K-stew cos she's all the rage to hate these days) after the get together cos supposedly they've been linked. And he still ended up over there cos he couldn't go home, I think him and his dad had a fight over his drinking and said if he was drunk not to come home even tho his dad works overnights and wouldn't be there. Picked that up from the energy drain so yeh it was a sad moment. But then it hurt to see that some other bitch could take care of him, i hope she does cos i will kick her ass if she does not. No not jealous am I?
So to end off the night I pretty much found out Wolfe is with some skinny ass hoe, and figured that's why he is transferring stores so he can be with her. I am now my work's own three ring circus and they won't look at me the same, and now i have an even bigger empty heart. I really wish I could not think guys are cute seriously why look when I can never have, and at my age and with my lack of everything i'll never find a relationship. But thats a whole nother ball park and i need to end this so i can relax before i have to go to work, i would take a nap but it would be futile since i go in at 4. urgh smh.. oh the reason for this post is I have no one I can talk to about my feelings so here i am posting them to the empty void, now i will log out.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
A Need for Prose
You know its bad when I start a new year by venturing back to this page that I abandoned, but I have nowhere else to turn really. I'm feeling so alienated right now and no one to discuss my rants to. Too many hours of me being alone lets my mind patronize everything in my life and within the past 6 months or so if not longer everything has just been shit. I am broke have no friends I can hang with and no one to talk to. Yes I talk to many people on facebook it's not the same as actually getting to hang out going to eat or going to a movie together or even playing a game together. Its just an empty gesture that once you turn off your computer screen those people become shadows of a life that isn't really there. I'm not saying this about everyone on my page but for the most part most the people I used to count as friends are mere shadows of a past I no longer accquire.
It's lame to have a dream and watch it just fade, and to realize I had a stupid dream and was wondering how a nerd ass like me could ever make it among the vain. Why did I pick the dream of wanting to be a musician why couldn't I have chosen a doctor or a therapist one where I could actually feel like I have self worth? No I choose the profession where if you're not skinny and pretty people eat you for fucking breakfast. I just don't belong anywhere and after leaving the scene only to be betrayed by my own flesh and blood, I hate it. Im so glad to be a mere merch girl so I can hide behind some booth and pretend to wanna be there.
To lose a sister and a best friend all in a couple of months, I'm doing so damn well for myself. Cos I don't like hanging out with my sister anymore she is so fake, and only cares about her work and her awesome band. She always works late and never wants to hang out with me anymore, altho in this state I wouldn't want to hang with me either. And then my best friend hasn't hung out with me in a long time. We barely even talk anymore :( and it fucking sucks, its like ever since I lived with him our relationship is depleted cos neither of us trust each other and it pains me that things turned so shitty between us.
When I tell him I miss him its the truth but sometimes I wonder if he really misses me, and then I know he's been going through a lot but he doesn't talk to me about any of it, he only talks with his co-workers or Jean. Maybe I am jealous cos that used to be my job to be the listener and help him and now I know nothing about what he does or how he is doing. Same with my sister when I tell her about my day she always falls asleep on me and leaves me feeling useless. But it's not like she ever has a day off unless its for her shows and then she gets to be super awesome screamy bass chick for her band.
I know jealous much, the reason I hold it against her is I asked her to work with me to rekindle our old project that was me and her, and pretty awesome. Her response is that she just wasnt feeling music anymore. And then a couple months later now she has a new MUSIC project and its what she's always wanted. Gee thanks a fucking bunch! So since she got her project I had decided to audition for this pretty big band and had asked her help with timing and stuff since everyone knows I can't keep time to save my life, her response is she was too busy at work to help me. So needless to say I totally bombed the audition. This was back in June at that point I said fuck it and walked away from music. I haven't touched my piano or done vocal warms ups since, and I scrapped my rap project as well. I have no passion for music anymore, even though I get a pang of sadness going to anyone's show because I do miss being on stage but I'll never get a fair chance at being up there unless Im skinny and get plastic surgery to look remote pretty. And yeh that isn't gonna happen, not in this lifetime cos I can't get the surgery I need until I pay off my debt and of course I'm a stress eater and have been plenty stressed.
I lost everything within a year, and I'm not looking forward to this year despite what I told Mark to keep his head up cos it was a new year and things would look up. I don't believe this and haven't for many lifetimes now. I was born to be miserable and nothing can save my soul its not mine to save, it never was. I wish GOD would destroy me make me beg for solace in heaven, but I would be complacent even as a ghost. Im too fucked for heaven or hell. This day and this earth are my hell prison there is no such thing as reprieve not in this reality. Fuck this shit.
It's lame to have a dream and watch it just fade, and to realize I had a stupid dream and was wondering how a nerd ass like me could ever make it among the vain. Why did I pick the dream of wanting to be a musician why couldn't I have chosen a doctor or a therapist one where I could actually feel like I have self worth? No I choose the profession where if you're not skinny and pretty people eat you for fucking breakfast. I just don't belong anywhere and after leaving the scene only to be betrayed by my own flesh and blood, I hate it. Im so glad to be a mere merch girl so I can hide behind some booth and pretend to wanna be there.
To lose a sister and a best friend all in a couple of months, I'm doing so damn well for myself. Cos I don't like hanging out with my sister anymore she is so fake, and only cares about her work and her awesome band. She always works late and never wants to hang out with me anymore, altho in this state I wouldn't want to hang with me either. And then my best friend hasn't hung out with me in a long time. We barely even talk anymore :( and it fucking sucks, its like ever since I lived with him our relationship is depleted cos neither of us trust each other and it pains me that things turned so shitty between us.
When I tell him I miss him its the truth but sometimes I wonder if he really misses me, and then I know he's been going through a lot but he doesn't talk to me about any of it, he only talks with his co-workers or Jean. Maybe I am jealous cos that used to be my job to be the listener and help him and now I know nothing about what he does or how he is doing. Same with my sister when I tell her about my day she always falls asleep on me and leaves me feeling useless. But it's not like she ever has a day off unless its for her shows and then she gets to be super awesome screamy bass chick for her band.
I know jealous much, the reason I hold it against her is I asked her to work with me to rekindle our old project that was me and her, and pretty awesome. Her response is that she just wasnt feeling music anymore. And then a couple months later now she has a new MUSIC project and its what she's always wanted. Gee thanks a fucking bunch! So since she got her project I had decided to audition for this pretty big band and had asked her help with timing and stuff since everyone knows I can't keep time to save my life, her response is she was too busy at work to help me. So needless to say I totally bombed the audition. This was back in June at that point I said fuck it and walked away from music. I haven't touched my piano or done vocal warms ups since, and I scrapped my rap project as well. I have no passion for music anymore, even though I get a pang of sadness going to anyone's show because I do miss being on stage but I'll never get a fair chance at being up there unless Im skinny and get plastic surgery to look remote pretty. And yeh that isn't gonna happen, not in this lifetime cos I can't get the surgery I need until I pay off my debt and of course I'm a stress eater and have been plenty stressed.
I lost everything within a year, and I'm not looking forward to this year despite what I told Mark to keep his head up cos it was a new year and things would look up. I don't believe this and haven't for many lifetimes now. I was born to be miserable and nothing can save my soul its not mine to save, it never was. I wish GOD would destroy me make me beg for solace in heaven, but I would be complacent even as a ghost. Im too fucked for heaven or hell. This day and this earth are my hell prison there is no such thing as reprieve not in this reality. Fuck this shit.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Borders have been Breached...
So I figured i would take a minute and just say that I'm not deleting this site just I no longer wish to use it, what started as theraputic has now just left me exposed and still angry. I want to thank everyone for what support they have given me but my trust has been broken and I don't wish to share with anyone anymore. Shonna thank you for your aspiring words always you are a light among the thieves and I adore you. To my brother who has always tried to help me even though i am an inevitable failure lol. and to anyone else who has left kind even sometimes generic words.
-Emily-
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