Anger Hostility Towards The Opposition

Hello once again, yes its been awhile my bad.. I've been so busy dealing with stupid people that I can't begin to write it all in one post lol.

I think this one is gonna start with the question "Why do the people who care the most get screwed over first?" How come it can't be the assholes who are only out for themselves? I don't understand that when you give someone your heart even just a little piece that they keep it and lead you on, but when it really matters they shove a shard of mistrust right through the middle. It makes me sick to think that because I've got a big heart that I fall hard, but that no matter how that person treats me, i feel guilty for walking away.
I will never get to experience someone significant loving me back, cos after what seventeen years of being boy crazy, i've never had one of them actually care back. And yeh it makes me depressed badly and people say i'm lucky but i don't feel lucky... I feel broken and that God hated me enough not to make me normal or something.
Maybe i should blame society for making me awkward just because I'm not drop dead gorgeous and i don't dress like a slut.. I don't know i was taught morals or some shit like that.

But I'm fucking 28yrs old and never had a real relationship, and I will never trust someone enough to fill that spot, that's Pavlov conditioning there, So i think i am gonna stop trying, stop looking.. Its not so bad being alone, i can fill that void with friends... Even tho even then i fell empty there too.

Really in the past 2 yrs I've lost almost all my friends, those who were there always are only there very occasionally, to the point where i too have stopped calling them back cos they never call me either lol. I have no social life these days- No band, no dates, no nothing..
I feel like becoming a hermit, I've got 2 cats i can be the creepy cat lady altho i don't have 30 of them lol..... A bit of humor in the midst of my bitch fest lol shows i'm not toally lost i guess.
Well i've bitched enough today, i just had a bad nite and had to vent about everything that's been bottled up inside me.

urgh untitled

What the fuck!!!! I am getting played hardcore and at first yeh i was so down but now i realise my efforts are going to waste. I am digging this guy right now and was so stoked when he told me i was his homegirl.. it as of today translated to what i didn't want. I'm his homegirl because i'm his pal, his buddy.. looked up the definition its pretty much part of a gang. So yeh he knows i have his back, but i'm nothing more. He told me today he's feeling this other girl and possibly her friend. I wanted to tell him that i was feeling him, but i can't do that. I can't let down my defenses... I've been there plenty of times and either way i still end up getting hurt. I should've known it was never going anywhere with him.. The reason i'm bummed is because all day he's been going by me just to say what's up, and it was weird cos i texted him last nite.
i was hoping he would text back he never did, cos he was at the hookah bar with his girl he wants. I should've just known that because of my age i would never get him. But i hate it cos i thought this could be my last chance for my heart to heal.. instead it feels black and broken into 1,000 pieces... I really feel like i just got kicked in the stomach like i can't breathe... I need a new mantra like fuck guys.. but yeh for everyone else that'll translate to now i'm a lesbian. And no i'm not but i have to never fall for anyone ever again.. its that final.. FINAL

Here is the lie and i am the liar

Wow here i am again, always late at night... and always thinking too damn much lol.. I was just reading back posts because i get lazy and forget to update my soap opera. And now yay i always have more to add lol. Not only can't i get 'V' outta my head, now i have a new subject lol.. we shall call him 'J' because i don't want to use his real initials too obvious. Its what i said i can never just like one guy at a time and again this new guy is outta my reach once again.

I feel so lost anymore, because I seriously don't understand why i get so obsessed with guys, like i want them but i don't. I think its just that i've always been lonely in that department and they're so hot its like a gravitational pull. I wish that i could somehow turn it off and just be peaceful for even 2 minutes.

I don't know exactly how to phrase my thoughts these days, cos they're so lost in translation. I need a code breaker so that i could understand what it is that i'm thinking and what it is that those around me are thinking. I wish i could just get over myself and tell everyone how i feel. But again after recent events i now and forever choose to keep my mouth shut.

Events that caused this final decision is this, i am right now happy that i don't see 'V' much, it would be awkward which i have to claim that seeing him recently was a kick in the teeth. I know i'm reading more into what's not there but no one else saw his face. And the hurt that i'm the one that put it there. I'm kinda upset because i saw him a couple times that day but wasn't sure if it was him so i just ignored that my head was screaming that it was him all along. I went to a show and i was scared because i was pretty sure him or his friends would be there. I was bracing for a confrontation, because i know all his friends think i'm a groupie or just really stupid. Again speculation. Anyways during my fave band i was rockin out and i saw my friend next to the pit and thought it would be funny to mosh him from behind. After i ran into him i backed up and got ready to turn to go back to where i was standing. And who should i see across the pit 'V' and the look of oh shit its the crazy chick just spread across his face, like the biggest disappointment ever. At that point i wasn't feelin it anymore, and if i didn't enjoy that band so much i would've left then.

The horrible thing is deeply i wanted to run into him so i could talk to him even tho in reality he would've blown me off hardcore. I freaked out and went with the original plan that after the band played i would have to leave for work.. i probably could've stayed for the next band and still made it to work on time, but my mind was made up i wanted to run from the building like it was on fire. I am also fighting myself today because he has an event coming up and i want to go, but i probably won't. I'm not a stalker after all. urgh its just so frustrating cos i don't think people are being straight with me. like my friend 'N' i believe he's been hanging with 'V' and his friends and that's why he's being shady with me. Can't prove that obviously but the suspicion is there.

Man i really need to write my feelings more these huge posts are an eyesore to read later. But i always back read so i know what i've already pointed out compared to my new dilemmas that crawl to life later.

oh my god what have I done??

again i have done what i shouldn't have done lol... After my show saturday technically sunday morning at this point, i was still quite tipsy and well I took my friends' advice and I finally straight up told the guy i like that i indeed liked him.
I know he read it but of course as usual he never replied and i don't know if i'm actually glad he didn't. The thing is last night i had a dream that his friends tried to get me stoned to see if i would tell them straight up that i liked him.. i won't use their names either just cos that would be awkward, but one of them left cos he said he had to run somewhere and his other friend was like here smoke this bowl. And then he left and after like hitting two or three times i thought it was odd that neither of them came back so i started throwing my backpack together. In the dream this weird reporter was like in my face asking me questions, but i pushed her aside and ran out the door.. i got in my car and drove off but they were there with him in the car and they all flipped me off. Well I drove off and they followed me and i was omg they're gonna kill me or something... They didn't but they did confront me and i went off. I straight up was like listen forget i said anything cos its not like i should care about anyone anymore anyway. I told him i was sick of telling people my feelings and that's why i never let people in or let myself trust people.. (don't get me wrong i trust my friends and most of my family but with everyone else i'm a bit reserved, although now because of being in the music scene i've opened up a bit more. Like i enjoy meeting new bands and hearing new music, but i hate having to be social, it really irks me cos i feel like i'm so fake.. but really i'm not i do like most of the bands we've played with.) ok back to the dream... He was like just talk to me for a minute and i was like why motherfucker you just flipped me off. He was like i'm angry cos i hate when people lie to me and i was like fuck i didn't lie to you, my fault is i opened my heart just a little bit and now i wish it was black and motionless, because obviously you are another notch on the rejection stick(perhaps my spine i'm not sure) He looked hurt when i said it but i didn't care i was livid and the whole situation was fucked up, unfortunately the dream ended there but i think it was supposed to because i don't know where he stands on the situation and plainly i'm glad. Plus i don't think i will see him again although by some grace of god if we have a show together i will be avoiding him like the plague. not his plague, but mine. I can't let him near me, i can't let him in because i care too much but i don't think now its about him. its about conserving my heart but i hate having my heart and i wish i couldn't see or couldn't love. don't get me wrong i'm not really depressed i guess just right now i feel like an ass because its the i told the guy and he'll never talk to me again syndrome. does that make sense??? well i gotta stop there cos yay i get to go to work.

the crazy shit continues

ok so here is part two lol the one where because i'm stoned i've just given a life story in one blog. but no i have these stupid revelations when i'm so stoned and i hate to just sit and ponder them but i never remember what i said the next day. SO

Part two:

So i ask myself why god made me so fucked up like from doing stuff in my past did i make him despise me or was i made to be fucked up always??? I wrote this down because i wanted to go back and update up to this stupid point that i'm about to make like an epiphany lol.

GOD is cruel.
Why even create emotions and love?
I just realised who my soulmate has been all along, but its not fair cos he's not straight and i am not a gay male. But we secretly liked each other way back when. I secretly wanted him then, but to be honest i thought he was so attractive but i don't know if it was because he was with Jenn... she got all the boyfriends, she's the one who has had real relationships. But i secretly liked kissing him even when i knew he was gay, he's the one guy i will always like to kiss.
I sit here and i hate that i was jealous of my sister, i always thought he was great.. even now i look at him and i still have a hole in my heart that was burned there for him.. I almost wish he was straight cos then i wouldn't be even thinking of "V" i would be thinking of only him.
Then i hate myself because i seem to always like more than one guy like "C" and "S" at the same time.. I then feel like a whore because i'd hate to choose. But its weird i still don't like a single guy who isn't out of my reach... Every guy on this planet that attracts me is completely unattainable. Its weird i have a pattern with guys lol.. most of the guys i like a lot are Taurus' why i dunno really... But the two guys that this post is about are not.. I can't say their sign incase people that know "V" were to put pieces together. See again afraid of everyone else.

I want to know why i can't tell people how i feel and have them be ok with it? I either lose those people in my life or my life gets turned upside down and a shitload of drama insues. Case and point i don't really talk to either of my exes, that's right just two.. why because i can't land a date to save my fucking life. well technically i did have a date when i was 20 but that went horribly wrong and yeh i never saw the guy again. no we didn't fuck that's how it sounds.. no i was so damn nervous cos really he was my first official date ever, sorry but the date with "A" sucked and i never considered it a real one. But i talked the poor guy's ear off for too many hours, and that taught me to never talk around any guy i find remotely attractive. yes i look like an asshole for not speaking but trust me its better than having an emotional breakdown over pasta lol.

I dream that one day i will have someone see me for me and not my fucking chest.. trust me i hate it and if i get rich i will have surgery.. that's a promise i made myself in middle school if not earlier. I get all these assholes thinking that just because i dress in gothy black clothes that i'm a slut who likes S&M and wants to get freaky with every guy.. I'm sick of guys asking me if I bite just because i like vampires and i'm sick of guys only talking to me because they think i would fuck them news flash to anyone who even gives a shit.... I am a virgin and i won't sleep with anyone i don't trust.. I know that's a fault cos supposedly at 27 i should be sleeping with whomever i want commitment or not. But i have mad issues there, i don't want to sleep with just anyone i want to know the person i want to be somewhat attracted to them. no we don't have to be married or shit like that, but i want someone who might understand me and not take intial advantage of me. I want someone who won't just fuck me and then walk out the door and tell everyone that i'm a whore, i only want someone who wouldn't mind if i suck in that department cos news flash i probably will. why cos i actually hate the thought of actually committing to someone that far. again the trust issue.

Wow that's the most honest i've been even to myself, because i don't discuss my sexual thoughts to anyone.. and no i'm not broken i get excited around guys i do but my brain is never locked on sex or anything along those lines.. maybe i am broken because that's not the first thing i think about when i look at a guy. even tho i know that's the only thing they think about when they see me. Fuck i just really need to not care anymore, but that's my downfall damnit cos i will always care too much. about people and about what they think of me. wtf right?

Wow my life is a freak show

This is blog one of two because i just realised i have not posted since december and actually need to make a fucking diary about my life lol... why maybe so i can feel good about my current dilemma.

Part one:

Okay since November I have had a crush on a certain anywhoo in the Denver music scene, weirdly i didn't even know his name till maybe January of this year if not February. for all intensive purposes he is "V" . I'm so fucking confused because I feel like i connect to him but in reality I never will. I doubt he knows who i am and i'm not one to push the rememberance. I want to say the moment of sitting with him on the couch and that whatever minutes of silence was some fucked up connection.. I didn't act all groupiesh and he didn't have to talk. But i looked at him then and realised he was a beautiful individual with some light to him, even tho his mood was dark, but i saw a glimmer of something.
I don't know i knew i liked him then but it wasn't like i was totally hooked on him, i think i really liked him more after the new year, i wanted i don't know what i wanted... but i saw him again twice in two weeks and it was weird really. The first encounter i saw him angry and i wanted to comfort him because he never deserved the treatment he got, i tried to talk to him but he shrugged me off, i let him go.. we didn't know each other and to his friends i was probably a groupie or something.
Then i saw him the next week and actually carried a small conversation with him, and i was actually happy because he spoke freely and for one minute he let me through his barrier. From that day on I can't get the fucker off my mind, i dream about him i pretend that he's here and that he could actually care about me.. but who the fuck am i kidding he doesn't even know my name...
I was sad cos i was supposed to see him earlier this month but i knew god didn't want me to fuck things up cos yeh i got trashed i would've either been a pussy and never said hi to him or i would've gotten too friendly or something. I'm almost scared to see him soon, because i don't know if i will be able to just say hi or if i will be stupid and hit on him although anyone who knows me, should know i'd be the pussy and never say anything i never have the nerve... and why because so many times i've told people i like someone and they say ask them out or talk to them.
That's when i find out i'm not attractive enough or too dorky for anyone to take notice.. Plus my standards are too high.. i am mainly attracted to the hot guys who only want the pretty skinny girls with preppy girly clothes, not some overweight goth chick. But even when i was skinny they didn't like me cos i was too tomboyish hence the 'lesbian' reference all the fucking time.
I almost wish i was a lesbian really or that i was a guy... cos if i was a guy i'd look like my dad i would be attractive. or i could be a gay male and have the one guy who gets me lol.. (next blog)

wow my life is messed up lol

Ok so this is my life, its been quite weird for the whole month of December. First off I hurt my friend 'I' because I had to tell him I don't like him the way he likes me and i feel like an ass for that... He hasn't called since I had to lay down my boundaries. Then just a couple weeks ago I went to a show with a good friend and my sister, had some weird goth guy hit on me. I've seen him at other shows and have been nice to him but I never gave the impression that I wanted to jump him. He was all over me trying to hold my hand and giving me hugs he even kissed me on the cheek, it was just too weird. Plus i think it was the full moon week i can't even remember would like it to just disappear.
Now fast foward to tonite I decided to check myspace because i've been posting bulletins for my sister's band cos they have a show coming up.. I got a message from some guy who wants me to be his friend with benefits, only problem is I don't know him we are not friends, and I don 't do that sort of thing.
I guess I'm just confused I've got all these guys telling me how hot I am, when I don't see myself that way at all. I'm not a fucking model or anything?? confused i know i am. I don't understand why guys say that to me, like its supposed to boost what little confidence i have. I guess i would understand if a guy i actually liked thought i was pretty enough, but yeh that's a dream waiting to happen =^( I think guys just see my assets and not me, i hate it. If i could i would just change and be a boy, then maybe i would look good. Whatever I need some sleep.