backtracking and screwing things up

oh jeez where do i begin... i should just end this there because im so disappointed with myself right now... I know ive been bitching about ronan for months now, but he is for now the least of my issues. So i had a dream the other night about the dreaded V. It was horrible because it stirred up every emotion i have for him, and i say that not past tense because even tho i havent seen him since last july he is like a tattoo on my memory. Ive been lying to myself about him because he is but a ghost in my life, and my full attention should be on my newer interest. But yet again i carry so much regrets with the way i handled V, i think i feel that because he admitted that he liked me not fully, but by telling me he was jealous when he thought my brother was my boyfriend (hehe it still makes me laugh). And what did i do 2 months later i wrote to him cant remember what i said but it was pretty fucked up.

I just wish i could stop my madness cos i know he probably never thinks about me, and i am still lusting him :( The sad part is i keep seeing his jerk of a friend mr. decrepit and he is the last person i would ever want to see. I think i need therapy or something, i seriously need some help. Ive just been surrounded by black lately, everything i do is like a mimick of the life i used to celebrate. I feel so vague and out of touch. How did my life become so empty and so hard, i feel like a fake every day. I dont really like talking to anyone anymore, because i end up just complaining about everything thats wrong, my worries, my doubts. I just never thought id be so broken, i mean ive never been fully whole but ive just never felt depleted.

I just feel like there is no one i can talk to because everyone has their issues and how insensitive would i be to just want to pour out mine. But then everyone asks me advice and i feel like im lacking in that department how can i give people advice if i have never experienced anything. Mark says its because ill have an open mind and my answer would be more from my own heart, but i dont think people should trust my judgments not from my heart anyway. Im hopeless. I torture myself daily on what i will do with the messes that ive made in my life. And the truth i have no flipping idea what im doing, clueless, listless, disengaged.

I cant even voice the feeling i have radiating through me theres so much distaste where do i begin. And then im angry at myself because i told myself i would try to be more caring towards god, and yet i just cant bring myself to fully open up to the idea of religion. I went back into the caverns of my mind today and remembered my life and its weird when i was making up a rap at work it seemed like what i was saying was a lie, but sadly it wasnt. I look back at how ive been a failure since birth at least in my parents' eyes, i know my mom never wanted us and it doesnt change the past. I understand now that she has grown and ive forgiven her but that doesnt mean ill ever forget.. trust me its in my blood like a map that shows when my messed up psyche started... i can remember back till about 4 can i recall every incident no, but the damage is done that i remember anything at all.
Then ofcourse after i chastised my life i went on to my non existant love life and how time and again im screwing up any chance of happiness. Im scared to see ronan soon there is so much i want to ask but feel like its inappropriate to push him into something he might not be comfortable with. Im merely just talking about trying to open him up, he is just as bad as me hermit and all. I know we have things in common but he has accepted retribution i feel i am not worthy of being redeemed. Is that sacriligious?? i went as far as to view my attempted sacrifice and know that people say in the bible that even the attempt means condemnsion for life.

Then i know from what people have told me that god is forgiving and when its time to face him will he be able to forgive me? I feel like a monster, i feel wrong does that make sense? i have a month till my 2 week vacation, i seriously want to see about taking a mini vacation to a mental ward and see if i can be helped. I feel stupid asking my doctors to help find a place where i can just get some peace for a bit. but being an out patient over the last 2 decades hasnt helped so i need a stronger approach and thats why i feel this is a better option. to quietly sneak out of my life for 2 weeks no contact with others and my obsessions. my other option is to whole up into a motel for 2 weeks and not answer my phone but sadly that sounds worse than an institution.. who knows.. so the planning begins.

the coolest dream ever!!

Ok so I just say that cos it was a pretty awesome dream. Definitely awesome to wake up to... So i dreamt that i was at my friends show and our usual crew was there. At the same time everyone decided to go smoke so me and Ronan were left there to chat. He asked why i wasnt going out to smoke and i told him that i had quit around my last show, he seemed surprised cos ive now tried to quit at least 3 times. Well we were talking about something that concerned my niece and he asked if she called me Auntie Em. I just laughed and said that everyone eventually calls me that and then i argued that im pushing 30 not 60, and once im 60 then ive earned the right to be called that. I guess he didn't know my age cos he said "wait you're 30?" and i said this yr i will be still 29. He still said he thought i was younger than that which i get all the time so i didnt take offense. Anyway i said well you know how old i am how old are you, his answer older than that. I argued that wasnt a valid answer lol and that he knew my age so i should know his.. He eventually told me, and i told him that was cool.
Then I did something uncharacteristic of myself and asked him if i could kiss him, and he looked shocked and asked why. I replied that i thought he was attractive that i liked him and thought he was cute and funny. His reply is "so then you ask me for permission?" I said well most people dont and can get close to being decked or something so i thought i would be polite and ask. He just smiled and said yeh. Like a dork I answered yeh what? He just raised his eyebrows at me like he does and i got it. So then i kissed him and it was crazy i didnt really get the whole nervous, we're in front of a lot of people we know feeling. At that point didnt care. I guess while we were kissing our group came in from smoking but only my brother and sister saw us making out.
They waited til we werent kissing and walked up and my sister was like so can i get a soda? I said sure i wanted one too so i turned to Ronan and my brother and asked if they wanted anything. Ronan said no but i was like what about some water or something and he said ok to that. My brother also went to water route.
So my sis and i headed towards the bar for drinks and we didnt even make it there before she started asking what was going on.
I turned bright red and tried to give her a quick run down of what happened, she just smiled and said well its about freaking time. Then the dream just ended and it was just a very crazy dream cos my subconscious is cruel lol.

I dont know why but when i dream about Ronan im always the one taking the steps because i can tell he is really shy but then again i dont exactly know how he feels about me. Like the other day i dreamt that we were with our crew of peeps at this giant house and he at least let me hold his hand, so each dream is what baby steps. I just wish i had more guts to reveal my emotions in real life i seem to be more confident in sleep, but arent we all right!! Well gotta end there cos yay gotta go to work.

so the new year has a glitch lol

so after attempts to get my other kitty feeling better, he just looks miserable and the medicine is affecting him weirdly. So im quite upset but on Monday we'll have to put him to sleep. It just amazes me that both my cats who were brothers will die from cancer. Im wondering if their family has a higher cancer rate than most cats and if their other siblings will have the same fate? I will never know, but it is crazy that it is genetic in animals as well.

so today is a down day for me, i think i officially freaked Ronan out. Ive kinda thrown alot at him as far as my show and inviting him to this other one, and he seemed ok with those. But when i decide to see if he'll play the favourites game with me, thats when he decides to stay mum. I don't know what to think its like he is regretting liking me. I know its not true but thats how i feel because when i invite him to shows he's all on board but when i bring up hanging out without a show involved he never replies. i know he is super shy but im just not good at this sort of thing. everyone is giving me ideas to try and get to know him better but he doesnt seem to want to get to know me. I know we have things in common, but im just losing faith here, i dont want to be patient its not who i am, but every time im around him i get so stupid i wouldnt be able to tell him how i feel anyway.

Im lame i think about him a lot but its not really obssessive like ive been in the past its just impatience lol. Anyways if he doesnt want to talk to me thats just fine, im sick of always having to txt him and just randomly say hi.. he never does that for me. Its like if i dont txt him he doesnt even remember who the fuck i am. Im sick of being an after thought, i wish he woulda never asked me out for coffee, then i wouldnt know he likes me. But we still haven't even done that, its like his spur of the moment things and now its over. Well i'm over it, im not trying anymore. "You want me, come find me, make up your mind" Ev lyrics entered here lol
Im out

a yr to remember

oh wow this year has been pretty epic i have to say there were a lot of ups and downs but i think the end of it makes me excited to see what next yr brings!!!

So on a sad note it has been a year since my kitty passed away from cancer but i know he isnt hurting anymore and i am trying to fully accept that but he will be missed.

Also after my show last night i'm on a good positive high right now and thats why this post isnt all gloom and doom lol. I got to see my guy last night and sadly i got crunk but he just laughs like he is highly amused, lets hope that is the case lol. Im really hoping we will get together eventually but like i said i'm trying to take this slow i dont want to be all aggro and scare the guy off altho i'm pretty sure i wont do that :) I like the fact that he supports what i do and is such a sweetheart about it. I mean i was trashed and asked him to watch my sandwich while i ran outside to say goodbye to my lil sister that is dedication. I was embarrassed by asking him that later when i gained some common sense but it was a sweet gesture cos, when i came back inside i stood next to him and he was all like so you had me watch your sandwich and you're not gonna eat it.. i told him i had forgotten about it he said it was ok he was just teasing. but it was so cute atleast i thought so...
I think this new year awaits a whole new prospective, i'm gonna try to lose weight again and quit smoking for good and hopefully gain a sweet boyfriend but like i said no rushing. I want to do everything i can to empower my life instead of dwell on negative stuff.. i'm thankful for my family and all my wonderful friends and as long as i remember that i think that my life can only improve. well i guess i should get my chores started i have a lot to clean up after the holidays lol.
well goodbye for now!!

i'd like a little emo pie

Hello welcome to the i am emo writing network, following this brief introduction i will commence to being emo.. thank you!!!
So i've been sitting in the emo seat for a week now i think its not helping that i'm sick and all i do is sleep and sit her analyzing every little thing. I hate being this insecure about everything but recently i've fallen for another guy we shall call him ronan... I know he cares about me but lil ole me keeps reading everything wrong. I guess in the hopes that i dont fuck this one up. Cos i do care about him but i swear i'm a crush whore, that's all i do is crush on so many guys to be let down by them all. the sad refutable fact that i can name every crush i've had since 1rst grade doesnt help either. And to remember how none of them liked me back scares the crap outta me... cos for once one likes me back but he is terrified by me i can tell, i'm too over bearing and i don't know how too back off.
I swear to the gods that i'm trying to be patient on this once but sadly patience is probably my worst virtue i am a Gemini after all. I don't understand how to change my ways, and believe that i am worthy of the life i've been given. How do i make myself believe what people tell of me? I don't feel pretty, or talented. I don't feel like i deserve to be courted by this wonderous man because he is unlike anyone i have ever met.
I say that old fashioned wise because thats how i feel, this relationship is cos i can feel that he wants to make the manly moves and be the one to win me, but little does he know he has. I am trying to take this crush slow because i fall too easily and i risk being hurt even this time. Pessimistic at heart right but hear me on this, i've never had a guy win my heart and not break it, every single guy i've liked up to now has stolen my heart and then stomped it into tiny little pieces.
I want to be someone who its worthy and not psychotic altho i fear i'm too late on that last one.. why must i dwell in the contemplation that i've already fucked up, he doesn't call me or txt me like he cant bring himself to get to kno me not even a little, not at all. i wish i could remember the poem Kat wrote in 10 things i hate about you it was a classic and should be entered here.

I'm a giant ass ball of Jealous because those whom ive crushed on in the past some have no idea while others merely never cared, and the fact that some of the more recent failures still held a candle in my heart, maybe me hoping they would see me but to no avail none of them have. I don't understand why i cant have the confirmation that ronan likes me, i mean i see his emotions on his face for some part but he cant bring himself to say it outloud.. i think i would be more patient to wait if i knew all my efforts weren't in vain. Sadly we even have a cheering section, altho for most of my crushes my friends try to be by my side even when i pick the assholes.

And i'm negative lately cos i'm minus one friend and I'll miss her greatly i still wish her the best of luck where she is headed!!! Damn straight she'll do great there east coast bound but still i will miss her, she is great she is so much like me in so many ways and because of that i believe no distance will ruin that friendship, im just sad that because of my schedule i hadn't gotten the chance to chill as much as i would've liked to.

Idk what else to do i keep thinking my other friends are changing and running away from me with a white flag but sadly i think i'm the one who has changed. I'd rather play hermit lately and dont want to do much, thanx work for that as well.. But even going to all the shows has just dulled for me, i think because i want to be playing these shows not on the sidelines all the time, but yeh patience once again. Oh well i'm done bitching today time to go play wizard 101 i am liking this game a lot, and all the books i've been reading are all relationship based so i'd like to hork.

Im kinda freaking out

So I don't know what is going with me lately.. I have been having a controversy with myself right now. So on a regular basis i fall flat on my face when it comes to guys and i scare them away cos i'm too brazen or something. But I finally found 1 guy who isnt the usual jerk that i tend to fall for, and I feel like a failure. I'm always worried that once he really gets to know me that he will go running the other way like every other guy, but I know he is different. He is totally like me and we have way too much in common but i'm still terrified.

I know i'm almost 30 and most people say that is still young but being a damn girl, I've been thinking about what it would like to have real love and fins someone you could spend your whole life with.. and I'm terrfied because I don't want to be thinking of settling down, I don't want to think about relationships and I don't want to end up sleeping with a random person who would screw me over the first chance they'd get. Why do I have to over- analyze every situation.

I want to be with this guy a lot and everyone is trying to pressure me into be more brazen *ironic right* because for once i chose to not be normal. Deep down I guess I am old fashioned Id rather have a guy court me and be the one who is excertive. I don't mind paying my own way seriously, but I love it when a guy is polite and sweet. Most guys are jerks and treat you like a one night gig if you will.. And I am not a hoe or a slut and for once someone isn't treating me like i'm a groupie.

I'm really worried because he is so shy and we flirt and obviously like each other but I dont want to mess this up. I was so excited he came to my show and was really kick ass, and asked me out for coffee and I was gushing all night. He makes me want to be girly and he makes me smile a lot. I went to bed with a smile and woke up with one too... I know this is corny but he is the light in my dark and that worries me. He inspires me to be happy and not dwell in my depression.

Ive never had a guy who seemed to worry about my well being or that he would let me down.. I'm so lost because its definitely good but I don't know how to act I don't know how to handle it. He likes me the way I am, I know that but seriously Im worried that once he knows about my past and my dark side, that I'll scare him away.

Once again over thinking and freaking myself out.. is there ever a happy medium.. I dont know what to do because Ive never been in this good of a situation... I never thought that I would be handed someone for me, even tho I know I'm overreacting because he isnt mine but hes the closest ive ever gotten to someone understanding me.
He makes me completely idiotic and I just gawk at him because he is perfect.
If I don't end there I will completely keep repeating how awesome this guy is, and still wondering what I am doing lol..

There is hope here!

Wow I'm in a really good mood today despite being tired. No i havent solved any of my dilemmas but at this point it doesn't matter. I'm so happy that i'm ready to move foward, I'm putting my emotions back out there but only for people who deserve it. I'm ready to take a stand against those who wish to harm me. And i feel Empowered.
I've just been trying to hide and i don't feel like hiding anymore.. no i may not take the big leap of faith i want to but its a start. I"m looking forward to this upcoming show because it will open doors for my band.. sadly i don't know the direction for the band, we are having quite a bunch of turmoil but that doesn't mean that some of us wont stay strong. I right now just want to focus on feeling better so that i can give my highest performance and that i wont bomb in front of a lot of people or a select few lol..... This on is short because i ran out of time yesterday when i wanted to rant about hope and stuff and today well i'm just too tired lol