Well its a new year new shit and stuff. In the end of January Jayce contacted Jenna about starting a project but she declined so I asked her to msg him and throw my name in the pot. I was super surprise she did and that he wrote back. SO now we have Counselor a 2 piece acoustic duo and we have our first show in a couple weeks. That's the high part of my life, but I didn't come here to swim in the decent moments cos that's not what this place is for lol.
So Wolffe where do I start with him? So ever since he had come to my store he always acted really weird about the fact that I called him my little brother, like he was embarrassed and in all actuality I ended up embarrassing myself because I couldn't see that we weren't even friends anymore. He only called me his sister so he could feel comfortable about the part where I liked him and its so fucking stupid cos a part of me will always like him. And I blame myself for Rogue-ing him cos that made me feel closer to him and it freaked him out and he ran away full speed. Sure when he wanted to go to the comicbook store he'd call and wake me up to go, but damn all to hell if he'd hang out with me after that. So it made me feel like an on point friend cos he had no one else. I started declining to hang out because I felt like I was only invited to the comic store for his shit and if he wanted to ask me about baby mama drama. It pains me to fully admit that he used me just as bad as Jz did and I let him because of liking him. I realised that when he asked me in the store if I was still friends with her and I said not that it doomed our friendship or the lack of what really was one. He was only friends with me because i was also friends with her. If he could get info on her then he'd be a step ahead. I was crushed when I realised I was so stupid.
Now to the real reason I'm sad right now. So I can't even remember the last time I talked with him it was some stupid text or something with his small one word answers and boredom feels. Or when he'd randomly come into the store outside of that I only tried inviting him to karaoke once and when he wasn't even polite enough to send me a msg declining.
Now he shows up in the same uniform as JF and has been working there 4 months or so; didn't even tell me but then again we don't talk. And of course he would be chillin with JF and what just upset me badly is I heard his voice before I saw him and he was all about giving K a hug so I yelled at him that I wanted a hug, he left me hanging (yes he had to pee but that's beside the point) he didn't even come say hi to me after he went, he went to chat with JF I didn't see him till they were getting ready to leave and he finally gave me a hug. I know I was unfair in making him feel bad but I thought I'd be one of the first people he'd give a hug to. But then I remembered that I think he's with K it just makes so much sense. And ironically its the only time JF actually sat there and conversed with me too because he was comfortable cos Wolffe was there. So I was sad by that, then as they were leaving i heard him say he had to go talk to someone else. Of course it was K i saw them all over by the deli when I was leaving. I so badly wanted to go over and butt in and pretend that I was one of the cool kids. But i decided to have some self pride today damnit.
Then I sat outside for a moment and smoked a cig, and thought if only I'd gone over and asked him if he wanted a cd for my band that maybe that would peak JF's interest but I couldn't do it cos I'm a pansy hahaha. I can't believe that I'm so lame why can't I just get over JF he doesn't like me and I fully know it just as I fully kno that Wolffe and I are no longer friends. And that makes me jealous of K cos I bet he texts her or calls her as they have the SW Guild together :'(
I just feel so fucking empty, altho the truth is feel everything and it hurts me consistently day after day. Tonight will be day one of getting back on my anti-depressants full time and I pray they help me cos I'm so lost that I don't even kno how to dig my way back out of this grave. Like where do I begin how do I start to let go of all my anger and resentment??
Monday, June 5, 2017
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Why Can't I Be a Girl
FML!! I don't really know what else to say about everything. I'm so super depressed and nothing really seems to help to alleviate that hurt. I kno I'm not pretty and skinny or anywhere near attractive but to sit there and be a douche to me because of all of my short comings I don't really know how to respond to that. So with JM I thought maybe he was just having a rough month or so but after today I'm 100% sure i'm the only one in my store that he has a problem with and I don't kno why. Like I wish I could be powerful and walk up to him and ask him what his fucking problem is. It's like should I apologise for being nice and trying to be friendly? NO? Then why the fuck do you shoot the shit with my co-workers? Oh because they're guys, there's no way that they'll stare at you and hit on you is that it???
And then I have to wait until next yr to do my full sleep study so for a month I have to sleep with oxygen and night 1 was awful, my nose and throat were so dry that I woke up and couldn't breathe; i felt like i was suffocating or having an asthma attack. And just getting to work I had to use my inhaler because it set my asthma off more.
I'm so sick of being fucking fat and not having the energy to fix it. I don't want to hit 400+ lbs like DW at work he's so useless he should claim disability and not waste our time. I'm 300 and worthless as well maybe I should just institutionalize myself. I'm fucking insane and have no one to help combat the crazy. I'm losing it and starting to talk to myself again cos I don't have anyone who wants to listen to my problems. I know my sister doesn't want to hear about gaming or work so anytime she asks how i'm doing i just say fine even tho that's the furthest from where I'm actually at.
She's too busy being career mom and doting wife while I lost my sister and my best friend. She doesn't want to hear about my day because it consists of work and that drama but that's my day. I told her about JM and how he's been treating me and she just shrugs. Even everyone at work just shrugs at me cos they all have partners and don't care that my attraction to him is like middle schoolish. No i don't want to fuck him.. why? cos i'm broken and could never commit to that much. And he is definitely not attracted to me so no chance of that ever happening.
I'm so jealous and sick of all these people hooking up, dating or getting married and having kids. I've always told myself I didn't want these things but I'd be super lying if I didn't tell the truth that I want someone to want to hold me and be happy to see me. And I know for certain that I will Never have that. I'm 35 i'm not getting any younger and so possibly that internal clock is ticking but I just laugh maniacally at it cos it's never getting fullfilled. The higher powers that are can take me now. I don't want this anymore. I've failed as a human being so I should be banished to nowhere all by myself. I pray for death today, tomorrow and every day after that. I just can't do this anymore... Why do I have to be a pansy?! Why can't i be like my sister and able to cause myself pain. I beg for an ending cos I can feel the hope i've held onto just slipping.
How can an emotionally devoid person even try to hold onto something they'll never be able to grasp or understand. Please someone hear me.
I fucking forgot why I wanted to post this damnit!!! So today Jay came into the store and like i've done the past 2 weeks didn't look at him. But what pisses me off the most is ever since the cheeto incident he now shoots the shit with J and W!! So its just me that he doesn't like; I'm the one being ignored like the plague! What the fuck did I do to deserve that shit? And then I realised something essential. Had J and W not roused him about the checkstand situation he would've never offered me a cheeto, he only did that because they were there. So Even tho I thought he didn't like me cos I checked him out, it goes back further than that and I'm not sure what I did besides being a DUFF??? Seriously that just makes him look like the biggest/shallowest asshole on the planet. :'( Like seriously??
I was so sure he stopped talking to me cos he was going through shit and in reals he must've realised i was crushing on him and was disgusted so stopped all contact with me. LIke I know I'm not date material not even hook up material but fuck I would've rather been friends but yeah that will never happen. So here I sit not sure why anybody gives me and kind of credit as a human being. Yeah fuck that.
And then I have to wait until next yr to do my full sleep study so for a month I have to sleep with oxygen and night 1 was awful, my nose and throat were so dry that I woke up and couldn't breathe; i felt like i was suffocating or having an asthma attack. And just getting to work I had to use my inhaler because it set my asthma off more.
I'm so sick of being fucking fat and not having the energy to fix it. I don't want to hit 400+ lbs like DW at work he's so useless he should claim disability and not waste our time. I'm 300 and worthless as well maybe I should just institutionalize myself. I'm fucking insane and have no one to help combat the crazy. I'm losing it and starting to talk to myself again cos I don't have anyone who wants to listen to my problems. I know my sister doesn't want to hear about gaming or work so anytime she asks how i'm doing i just say fine even tho that's the furthest from where I'm actually at.
She's too busy being career mom and doting wife while I lost my sister and my best friend. She doesn't want to hear about my day because it consists of work and that drama but that's my day. I told her about JM and how he's been treating me and she just shrugs. Even everyone at work just shrugs at me cos they all have partners and don't care that my attraction to him is like middle schoolish. No i don't want to fuck him.. why? cos i'm broken and could never commit to that much. And he is definitely not attracted to me so no chance of that ever happening.
I'm so jealous and sick of all these people hooking up, dating or getting married and having kids. I've always told myself I didn't want these things but I'd be super lying if I didn't tell the truth that I want someone to want to hold me and be happy to see me. And I know for certain that I will Never have that. I'm 35 i'm not getting any younger and so possibly that internal clock is ticking but I just laugh maniacally at it cos it's never getting fullfilled. The higher powers that are can take me now. I don't want this anymore. I've failed as a human being so I should be banished to nowhere all by myself. I pray for death today, tomorrow and every day after that. I just can't do this anymore... Why do I have to be a pansy?! Why can't i be like my sister and able to cause myself pain. I beg for an ending cos I can feel the hope i've held onto just slipping.
How can an emotionally devoid person even try to hold onto something they'll never be able to grasp or understand. Please someone hear me.
I fucking forgot why I wanted to post this damnit!!! So today Jay came into the store and like i've done the past 2 weeks didn't look at him. But what pisses me off the most is ever since the cheeto incident he now shoots the shit with J and W!! So its just me that he doesn't like; I'm the one being ignored like the plague! What the fuck did I do to deserve that shit? And then I realised something essential. Had J and W not roused him about the checkstand situation he would've never offered me a cheeto, he only did that because they were there. So Even tho I thought he didn't like me cos I checked him out, it goes back further than that and I'm not sure what I did besides being a DUFF??? Seriously that just makes him look like the biggest/shallowest asshole on the planet. :'( Like seriously??
I was so sure he stopped talking to me cos he was going through shit and in reals he must've realised i was crushing on him and was disgusted so stopped all contact with me. LIke I know I'm not date material not even hook up material but fuck I would've rather been friends but yeah that will never happen. So here I sit not sure why anybody gives me and kind of credit as a human being. Yeah fuck that.
Monday, December 5, 2016
Oh How The Tides Rise
So yesterday even tho I was feeling blah at work I did a really awesome thing, this poor girl was upset cos her apple pay wouldn't work and she had forgotten her wallet. X tried to help with it but it just wouldn't work; So I turned around and paid for her groceries. Not a big deal but she gave me a hug and was practically in tears. Even X was like shocked I did it but hey why not lol.
So generally I walk into work today with my chest puffed out a little I got a compliment from X and D when they came to work cos that girl gave me a 10 shop. That was the highlight of my day it went shit from there. Today was super slow and extremely boring. And then Jay came in and I perked up a little only to be practically kicked in the teeth and highly embarrassed...
So I over react to everything any kind of niceity and I think I've won an edge with someone.... So the other day Jay came in and bought cheetos i'm skipping the banter between him, J and W but anyways he offered them some cheetos both guys said no. So he was in really good mood and turned to me and asked if I wanted some cheetos I of course said yes lol. So he said to the guys 'see someone cares!!' Which i just blushed hell i'm a fat girl and I like cheeotos. But I think a part of me felt excited that he said I cared......
Fast fwd to today So apparently I assumed because of that interaction that maybe that would make Jay more friendly to me, yeaaaaahhh not so much. When I was on lunch he came upstairs and I said hey in an overly friendly tone and he practicalled grunted something that was supposed to pass as a hey or something. So I was upset cos I really do try to say hi to him; and no not just cos I like him but he always looks really down and anti-social and I wanted to offer a niceness to bring a smile to his face. The past month that hasn't worked it did at first when he would come up so I'd say hi when he was checking out. Now he either avoids the checkstands like the plague or doesn't acknowledge me whatsoever.
Well after that break room whatever it was I thought he had left, which I was bummed but glad and then I saw he was still there. Well then I saw him talking to this other guy and X and he seemed normal and complacent like.
I mean yes I know I stare at him a lot he's hot I can't really help myself, and its not like anything will ever happen cos I'm well ... me.
Anyways X called a huddle to floral so I glanced over there and then was pacing the front end. Jay came walking by and like a moron i turned my gaze to him and watched him go, well when he was rounding the corner he caught me looking at him. And well the look he gave me was slight disgusted slight annoyance; it completely shattered me. I'm usually careful when I like someone not to stare but obviously I freak him out so I must've been too nice to him.
After the cheeto incident I assumed it made us pals but no that boy is more bi-polar than I am. And that's saying a lot.
So now as I'm completely embarrassed and feeling highly inadequate I have to curse my heart and my emotions for always falling too hard for people like I do. I should kno that i'm forever in the pal/buddy zone. I don't get hit on unless the guy is drunk or desperate and gee doesn't that make a girl feel special.
It's like hey I know I'm a freak ok, I've been told I was one for as long as I can remember, and it never ceases ya know. I'm not pretty, skinny, wantable I get it. Please stop reminding me. I mean fuck I was appalled when PC was trying to flirt with me cos he liked my sister and help assuming that because I was alone and he was desperate that he would be willing to deal with my Asexuality. The guy is a man whore there was no way he'd be able to just 'ignore' that. Needless to say i politely declined just as I decline my friends who are dating and they're not happy but keep trying to throw in a good word for their friend whom I have NO interest in ever meeting.
I lie all the time and say that I deal with being alone because it's better in the long run, less drama. But I've turned into a vicious person and the truth is I push people away and no I don't trust anyone but i fucking hate being a lone. But i will forever and pathetically revel in the amazement of the single life...
So generally I walk into work today with my chest puffed out a little I got a compliment from X and D when they came to work cos that girl gave me a 10 shop. That was the highlight of my day it went shit from there. Today was super slow and extremely boring. And then Jay came in and I perked up a little only to be practically kicked in the teeth and highly embarrassed...
So I over react to everything any kind of niceity and I think I've won an edge with someone.... So the other day Jay came in and bought cheetos i'm skipping the banter between him, J and W but anyways he offered them some cheetos both guys said no. So he was in really good mood and turned to me and asked if I wanted some cheetos I of course said yes lol. So he said to the guys 'see someone cares!!' Which i just blushed hell i'm a fat girl and I like cheeotos. But I think a part of me felt excited that he said I cared......
Fast fwd to today So apparently I assumed because of that interaction that maybe that would make Jay more friendly to me, yeaaaaahhh not so much. When I was on lunch he came upstairs and I said hey in an overly friendly tone and he practicalled grunted something that was supposed to pass as a hey or something. So I was upset cos I really do try to say hi to him; and no not just cos I like him but he always looks really down and anti-social and I wanted to offer a niceness to bring a smile to his face. The past month that hasn't worked it did at first when he would come up so I'd say hi when he was checking out. Now he either avoids the checkstands like the plague or doesn't acknowledge me whatsoever.
Well after that break room whatever it was I thought he had left, which I was bummed but glad and then I saw he was still there. Well then I saw him talking to this other guy and X and he seemed normal and complacent like.
I mean yes I know I stare at him a lot he's hot I can't really help myself, and its not like anything will ever happen cos I'm well ... me.
Anyways X called a huddle to floral so I glanced over there and then was pacing the front end. Jay came walking by and like a moron i turned my gaze to him and watched him go, well when he was rounding the corner he caught me looking at him. And well the look he gave me was slight disgusted slight annoyance; it completely shattered me. I'm usually careful when I like someone not to stare but obviously I freak him out so I must've been too nice to him.
After the cheeto incident I assumed it made us pals but no that boy is more bi-polar than I am. And that's saying a lot.
So now as I'm completely embarrassed and feeling highly inadequate I have to curse my heart and my emotions for always falling too hard for people like I do. I should kno that i'm forever in the pal/buddy zone. I don't get hit on unless the guy is drunk or desperate and gee doesn't that make a girl feel special.
It's like hey I know I'm a freak ok, I've been told I was one for as long as I can remember, and it never ceases ya know. I'm not pretty, skinny, wantable I get it. Please stop reminding me. I mean fuck I was appalled when PC was trying to flirt with me cos he liked my sister and help assuming that because I was alone and he was desperate that he would be willing to deal with my Asexuality. The guy is a man whore there was no way he'd be able to just 'ignore' that. Needless to say i politely declined just as I decline my friends who are dating and they're not happy but keep trying to throw in a good word for their friend whom I have NO interest in ever meeting.
I lie all the time and say that I deal with being alone because it's better in the long run, less drama. But I've turned into a vicious person and the truth is I push people away and no I don't trust anyone but i fucking hate being a lone. But i will forever and pathetically revel in the amazement of the single life...
Thursday, October 20, 2016
A bad week I need to vent lmao
Soooo I like a guy we'll call him Jay, I know absolutely nothing about him but he makes me have butterflies. I've not had that feeling in a long time; just sucks that he's hot cos that means i'm invisible lmao. I fall too hard for people I know always a bad way to go especially since I have nothing to offer. I hate that I like him cos there is no way outside of ringing him up (which I hardly ever do) we don't talk I slightly stalked him just to find out his name and such and then found him on fbk. Realised he's way too young for me but at least he's awesome eye candy.
The last guy that gave me butterflies was a complete douche. And well today Jay was sort of a jerk to me :'( So usually when he comes to the checkstand he always has headphones in so after many attempts to say hi where he didn't hear me, I just wave at him, usually he'll take a bud out and say hi and converse with me. Today I was the one with the headphones in so i still just waved but he didn't wave back. It made me kinda sad. Then when I went to put my things away he walked by me so i waved and mouthed goodbye and he just did a short nod didn't even say anything.
Now i know i'm overreacting cos if I remember correctly today is his Monday so i think he's always crabby; but i've had a horrible week was wanting to see him all week just cos he makes me smile. And I walked out of work today just bummed. I didn't finish my tags since i got screwed over yesterday and am praying tomorrow i can get my shit together and finish everything. I'm soooo fucking sick of being screwed over whether its with tags or cashiering like what did I do that put me on the shitlist? And i'm bummed cos i know tomorrow is gonna be another shit day and will probably have to work off the clock which i hate to do but i don't want to leave anything for laura on monday.
Anyways I've been dealing with so much lately that I feel despondant with everything like nothing i do is good enough and i just want to fade away. I've tried the last many months to still go to trailside and still pretend i fit in there, but its so massively apparent that I don't. I mean I have 'friends' if you will but i'm not particularly close to any of them I talk to none of them outside of the bar. But i feel its my only way to ever see my sister which makes it that much more depressing. Then I know i gave up on music i chose to whether in my hands or not but still miss it more that i care to admit. And the fact that I've said in the company of those friends that I miss it and nothing comes of it reminds me of why I walked away. I think the one that pisses me off the most is my sister; since may she's been going off about wanting a project since IAAM went on hiatus. I kept being like hello I want a project too.. And i think the worse part is every time I'd throw my name in the hat to start a project she'd stutter and be like well i don't know we'll see. Now amazingly enough all of IAAM is now back in state and wanting to restart everything and now she posts on fbk about a music project coming up. I'm actually very hurt because she never comes out and says she doesn't want to do a project with me, she just dances around the topic. And if I call her out on it then i'm being an asshole and trying to start a fight.
So as it stands I sit there hanging out at the local bar and craving for a chance to be on stage again and even my sister doesn't want to work with me, which makes me even more self conscious and petty. I have nothing left to live for. I don't know what is wrong with me but i'm NOT ok. My anxiety and depression are through the roof, i'm either sleeping too much or not enough and i have no energy to be human. I don't go out drinking to meet people I rarely even go to karaoke anymore; and even though i crave interaction its not the kind i need.
Then there is a part of me that is a huge jerk cos i'm really pissed off that my sister had a boyfriend and now they're married and I don't have my sister at all. At least when they were dating she still lived here but in may they moved out together and then in july they were married and there was a whole bunch of drama with that as well that honestly i'm still not fully ok with. But now fast fwd to next month when they're doing a thing for the wedding and shit. I'm actually going out of my comfort zone to transform myself girly just so i don't embarrass her like cos i know with how i have to dress she's embarrassed to be around me. I'm embarrassed to be around me too. But i almost feel like i'm trying too hard just so I can get a compliment like i clean up well or something bwahaha.
Deep down I wish that Jay would come to the bar and see me prettyfied cos that's the only way he'd even see me as human. Everyone at work thinks i'm so nice and sweet and then they find out that I'm actually the biggest asshole you'll ever meet. Yes I throw tantrums and I pull rank all the time because i've done my time with all the shit jobs and god with the sleep issues going on i'm not sleeping well and its making me into this monotone robot. For all the times i say that i don't feel normal now its a reality.
Urgh now i'm feeling groggy and want to sleep my day away i really need energy so i can do laundry and get a shower and I just don't want to... So with that I've got to log off and revel in my darkness and pray for some light to find me.
The last guy that gave me butterflies was a complete douche. And well today Jay was sort of a jerk to me :'( So usually when he comes to the checkstand he always has headphones in so after many attempts to say hi where he didn't hear me, I just wave at him, usually he'll take a bud out and say hi and converse with me. Today I was the one with the headphones in so i still just waved but he didn't wave back. It made me kinda sad. Then when I went to put my things away he walked by me so i waved and mouthed goodbye and he just did a short nod didn't even say anything.
Now i know i'm overreacting cos if I remember correctly today is his Monday so i think he's always crabby; but i've had a horrible week was wanting to see him all week just cos he makes me smile. And I walked out of work today just bummed. I didn't finish my tags since i got screwed over yesterday and am praying tomorrow i can get my shit together and finish everything. I'm soooo fucking sick of being screwed over whether its with tags or cashiering like what did I do that put me on the shitlist? And i'm bummed cos i know tomorrow is gonna be another shit day and will probably have to work off the clock which i hate to do but i don't want to leave anything for laura on monday.
Anyways I've been dealing with so much lately that I feel despondant with everything like nothing i do is good enough and i just want to fade away. I've tried the last many months to still go to trailside and still pretend i fit in there, but its so massively apparent that I don't. I mean I have 'friends' if you will but i'm not particularly close to any of them I talk to none of them outside of the bar. But i feel its my only way to ever see my sister which makes it that much more depressing. Then I know i gave up on music i chose to whether in my hands or not but still miss it more that i care to admit. And the fact that I've said in the company of those friends that I miss it and nothing comes of it reminds me of why I walked away. I think the one that pisses me off the most is my sister; since may she's been going off about wanting a project since IAAM went on hiatus. I kept being like hello I want a project too.. And i think the worse part is every time I'd throw my name in the hat to start a project she'd stutter and be like well i don't know we'll see. Now amazingly enough all of IAAM is now back in state and wanting to restart everything and now she posts on fbk about a music project coming up. I'm actually very hurt because she never comes out and says she doesn't want to do a project with me, she just dances around the topic. And if I call her out on it then i'm being an asshole and trying to start a fight.
So as it stands I sit there hanging out at the local bar and craving for a chance to be on stage again and even my sister doesn't want to work with me, which makes me even more self conscious and petty. I have nothing left to live for. I don't know what is wrong with me but i'm NOT ok. My anxiety and depression are through the roof, i'm either sleeping too much or not enough and i have no energy to be human. I don't go out drinking to meet people I rarely even go to karaoke anymore; and even though i crave interaction its not the kind i need.
Then there is a part of me that is a huge jerk cos i'm really pissed off that my sister had a boyfriend and now they're married and I don't have my sister at all. At least when they were dating she still lived here but in may they moved out together and then in july they were married and there was a whole bunch of drama with that as well that honestly i'm still not fully ok with. But now fast fwd to next month when they're doing a thing for the wedding and shit. I'm actually going out of my comfort zone to transform myself girly just so i don't embarrass her like cos i know with how i have to dress she's embarrassed to be around me. I'm embarrassed to be around me too. But i almost feel like i'm trying too hard just so I can get a compliment like i clean up well or something bwahaha.
Deep down I wish that Jay would come to the bar and see me prettyfied cos that's the only way he'd even see me as human. Everyone at work thinks i'm so nice and sweet and then they find out that I'm actually the biggest asshole you'll ever meet. Yes I throw tantrums and I pull rank all the time because i've done my time with all the shit jobs and god with the sleep issues going on i'm not sleeping well and its making me into this monotone robot. For all the times i say that i don't feel normal now its a reality.
Urgh now i'm feeling groggy and want to sleep my day away i really need energy so i can do laundry and get a shower and I just don't want to... So with that I've got to log off and revel in my darkness and pray for some light to find me.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
3 years later
Ironic... That is the word that reverberates inside my head as I sit here to revel in my woes, because I still have no one I can tell my thoughts to. How many times does it take of dealing with people and feeling dead before one realises that they're not meant to be around people. I try to be smiley and happy so people believe that I'm normal. Oh hell if people knew my alienation, how no matter if i'm in a sea of people or just a little throng of friends that I still feel like an outcast. I'm still the person who has to message my so called friends to arrange a hang out; they don't bother texting me asking my days off or if we can hang out. So then i stop texting them and low and behold I feel guilty for doing so, like I'm the asshole because I gave up once again. Then i get regretful and re-message them trying to patch up what doesn't exist.
Just once, I want someone to care. I don't need rockstar treatment but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt to be ignored. For example, last night; I decided to be Panda's ride to Trailside since my sister had to work. It was hip-hop night (or supposed to be) only 1 out of 5 artists showed up so we got an impromptu karaoke night. And I felt sooo old and out of place. cos lets be serious for a moment I do love getting the attention about my voice, I just don't take compliments well. And so it was a complete buzzkill to have a better singer than me there and hearing everyone give her praise. I'm not hating on her she is a sweet girl and yes an amazing singer and dancer. Any time she would sing everyone would run in from outside to listen to her, the only time they did that for me was on my first song which of course was Evanescence and I do rock it, but after that nobody listened to me. That was really the only praise I got all night was the bartender saying great job.
I wanted to cry by the end of the night and almost did a couple of times, among people who are essentially my friends i felt so alone; I tried to go hang out with Panda a couple of times cos he seemed upset but I could tell he didn't want me near him so i went and sat by myself pretending to have fun. I am my worst critic and was so disappointed on everything else i sang and felt worse when no one was listening. Cos honestly who wants to watch and listen to the ugly fat girl when you've got a skinny pretty girl who sounds better.
I get competitive when it comes to singing cos I've worked my entire life to have an amazing voice and getting sick in December and practically coughing up my lungs for 3 weeks damaged what I had left of my voice. Without my voice I am nothing, I have no specialty otherwise.
Then the night before i helped at Pit Stop and everyone kept ditching me at the door by myself all night, it sucks cos I don't really smoke anymore i bummed a few smokes off of Panda but otherwise both nights were so boring and just kept reminding me that I don't belong there. But i go every week because the only other interaction i get with people is at my work and i've been so frustrated that I've been a real cunt there as well. I've lost all interest of being online and have been spending all my free time reading. But again its a stark reminder that books always have romance and situations and experiences i will never have.
It reminds me that the only person who ever kinda hits on me is porkchop and I think because he didn't snag Jenna and we're twins he thinks i'm a good settlement, I'm not. I will never be as good as Jenna, I will never be acceptable like her. People use her because she is there like PK, or AH like a conquest. Panda is the only one who treats her right; but he is bad at normal interactions as well always saying he'll be in trouble if he talks to another girl or that he'll get his ass kicked for a girl trying to flirt with him, its a bit silly. No one seems to get that we aren't normal.
it's funny in that aspect it's great to not be normal cos i'm sick of all these guys bitchin about what they have to do for their fucking cunts, what they have to give up and be slaves to the vagina.. like what's the point if you can't be a human being, if you want something you can program buy a fucking robot.
I wish i could figure out why i'm so hateful, why nothing motivates me, and my dreams are dead. At 34 yrs old I'll never be a musician, i'll never get to travel around the world and even if i did all my fbk friends and i no longer talk; i've essentially become a hermit and would rather hide in my room and sleep or read a book than get on fbk and pretend to want to be there. Same with the music scene I've lost all sense of belonging; i'm not interesting enough to hold a conversation with and am just an awkward reminder of why i don't go out.
I feel like i just need to step away from the scene because i'm already a newb there, everyone is already friends and family and there are only a small few who hold that place in my heart but I still don't feel connected to them not really.
What am I supposed to do with my life? Why can't i cheer up and find some way to fix everything why the resignation, i've given up on the possibility of being a musician, i've given up the possibility of having a boyfriend,a house, a family. I've come to be comfortable in my darkness but so lonely in it as well. I'm such a mess and I have nowhere to turn. I lost all my friends, I lost my sister, I can't talk to my family or co-workers. I am now and forever just with me. I am truly alone.
Just once, I want someone to care. I don't need rockstar treatment but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt to be ignored. For example, last night; I decided to be Panda's ride to Trailside since my sister had to work. It was hip-hop night (or supposed to be) only 1 out of 5 artists showed up so we got an impromptu karaoke night. And I felt sooo old and out of place. cos lets be serious for a moment I do love getting the attention about my voice, I just don't take compliments well. And so it was a complete buzzkill to have a better singer than me there and hearing everyone give her praise. I'm not hating on her she is a sweet girl and yes an amazing singer and dancer. Any time she would sing everyone would run in from outside to listen to her, the only time they did that for me was on my first song which of course was Evanescence and I do rock it, but after that nobody listened to me. That was really the only praise I got all night was the bartender saying great job.
I wanted to cry by the end of the night and almost did a couple of times, among people who are essentially my friends i felt so alone; I tried to go hang out with Panda a couple of times cos he seemed upset but I could tell he didn't want me near him so i went and sat by myself pretending to have fun. I am my worst critic and was so disappointed on everything else i sang and felt worse when no one was listening. Cos honestly who wants to watch and listen to the ugly fat girl when you've got a skinny pretty girl who sounds better.
I get competitive when it comes to singing cos I've worked my entire life to have an amazing voice and getting sick in December and practically coughing up my lungs for 3 weeks damaged what I had left of my voice. Without my voice I am nothing, I have no specialty otherwise.
Then the night before i helped at Pit Stop and everyone kept ditching me at the door by myself all night, it sucks cos I don't really smoke anymore i bummed a few smokes off of Panda but otherwise both nights were so boring and just kept reminding me that I don't belong there. But i go every week because the only other interaction i get with people is at my work and i've been so frustrated that I've been a real cunt there as well. I've lost all interest of being online and have been spending all my free time reading. But again its a stark reminder that books always have romance and situations and experiences i will never have.
It reminds me that the only person who ever kinda hits on me is porkchop and I think because he didn't snag Jenna and we're twins he thinks i'm a good settlement, I'm not. I will never be as good as Jenna, I will never be acceptable like her. People use her because she is there like PK, or AH like a conquest. Panda is the only one who treats her right; but he is bad at normal interactions as well always saying he'll be in trouble if he talks to another girl or that he'll get his ass kicked for a girl trying to flirt with him, its a bit silly. No one seems to get that we aren't normal.
it's funny in that aspect it's great to not be normal cos i'm sick of all these guys bitchin about what they have to do for their fucking cunts, what they have to give up and be slaves to the vagina.. like what's the point if you can't be a human being, if you want something you can program buy a fucking robot.
I wish i could figure out why i'm so hateful, why nothing motivates me, and my dreams are dead. At 34 yrs old I'll never be a musician, i'll never get to travel around the world and even if i did all my fbk friends and i no longer talk; i've essentially become a hermit and would rather hide in my room and sleep or read a book than get on fbk and pretend to want to be there. Same with the music scene I've lost all sense of belonging; i'm not interesting enough to hold a conversation with and am just an awkward reminder of why i don't go out.
I feel like i just need to step away from the scene because i'm already a newb there, everyone is already friends and family and there are only a small few who hold that place in my heart but I still don't feel connected to them not really.
What am I supposed to do with my life? Why can't i cheer up and find some way to fix everything why the resignation, i've given up on the possibility of being a musician, i've given up the possibility of having a boyfriend,a house, a family. I've come to be comfortable in my darkness but so lonely in it as well. I'm such a mess and I have nowhere to turn. I lost all my friends, I lost my sister, I can't talk to my family or co-workers. I am now and forever just with me. I am truly alone.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Wow crazyiness abounds
So a couple weeks ago my sister played a show with her friend's band filling in on vocals. I know so shocking lol, first we went to see another friend's show and ran into an old friend I haven't seen for a good couple of years. It was so great to see him and he seemed really happy and it was a good change in him. Anyways he decided to come along to Jenna's show and seemed really happy to see her perform since we've all been out of the scene for a better part of 2 years or more. Once we pulled up to the venue he started freaking out a bit and said that people were looking at him and judging him, I didn't see or feel that from anyone not directly. So he kept walking around and being super paranoid and he was upset because he wanted a drink but has only been sober for a little while. So he told me to help him not buy any alcohol, but then he kept running off and right as the band was getting ready to start. it bothered me cos I promised I would help him but I was there for my sister and she was plenty nervous. Well a mutual friend went and sat with him and helped him not drink which made me feel better. Well prior to making it to my sister's show my friend and I were talking about all the crap that went down; and as to why I walked away from music.
He asked about everything and it led to bringing up Ronan; he asked what really happened between the 2 of us. I didn't really get to tell him everything but i told him why i unfriended Ronan, I told him I did miss the idiot but was too prideful to say anything to Ronan about it. ( I miss a lot of the friends I abandoned in the scene but they obviously haven't missed me as we barely talk anymore. I don't even belong in the music scene anymore I don't know anyone and its like starting at square 1 and I've done that way too many times to count and I just can't be bothered; even tho i miss performing singing my heart out and shedding anger and sweat on stage there is no other feeling on this planet) Anyways back to that night, my friend said he needed to go for a walk and ofcourse that worried me a lot but what can ya do right. Well I was outside on the smoking patio and he came out and said that he was leaving, and that Ronan was there to pick him up. And of course I was like Ronan, Ronan? and he said yes so i freaked and was like idk if i should go talk to him. And he was all like its up to you, but all night he kept asking me what should he do about this situation blah blah, but wouldn't return the favor.
So I braved my pride and walked outside with him and came face to face with Ronan whom I haven't seen since 2011. It was awkward but pleasant he was actually kind of nice side the part where he tried to make me feel stupid about some lame christian project he's a part of, cos he assumed I thought it was a band with big named people ummm yeh right.
Anyway he kinda ruined my night by just seeing him, cos just looking into those eyes brought back the flood of everything that had broken my spirit 2 years prior, i ended up sitting in the car bawling my eyes out while my sister was inside the venue smoozing with the lame ass metal scene. She came out and asked if i was hungry and said we would go eat and then someone's friends' band was playing so thats when she went back inside and I sat outside like an idiot crying. I tried to text a couple friends that knew the back story but neither offered any reprieve from my pain which made it worse. I realised then at that very moment that I don't have a best friend that I can talk to about stupid crap like running into an ex or which brand of shoes look decent on my hobbit feet. It was a sad moment, and I wish I could rewind something in my heart that has blocked everyone out. I want to find a moment and take it back, every back stabbing word that came out of anger, every abandoned text or show invite.
I don't even find timeless comfort in the games i used to play on facebook they're all so boring and repetative. I tried to play some xbox360 games and realised i'm even bad at those so I'm no gamer, I'm horrible at D&D and Marvel Heroes. The only rpg game i'm relatively good at is wizards101 and I have no one to play with me there either. I have recently only found comfort in books, they don't judge me they just feed me fantasy stories I wish I could live. To be a mage in renaissance times, or a shadow hunter who was born to kill demons and evil things or a half aedh/ werewolf who can kick ass and have endless sex. those are the stories that i read or your percy jackson stories, I've read so many series' just in the past 6 months that lately when I have extra money its usually for a damn kindle card lol.
And my dad wonders where I'm getting all these gas points from, he should just be lucky i don't go out of my way to get gas in my car so that he can enjoy the fruits of my addiction. I also hate reading these books because even through every challenge there is always a reward for the hero/heroine. I would just once like to be pretty enough for even a blatantly boring guy would find me somewhat attractive. I get so sad because I know unless I'm a size zero slut I'll never have a guy truly look at me. I always tell people that i'm content in the friend zone but it definitely hurts when you fall for someone and they don't even notice. I don't want to get married or anything cos in this day and age that means nothing, but I can't even find a guy who wants to hold my hand go to dinner and a movie or just sit in the grass at a park, but those are daydreams, no matter how I try to lose weight finally smoked my last cigarette and have been pretty successful and cutting soda almost completely out (i know energy drinks are just as bad) one step at a time. I play tennis when I can but i sabotage myself cos i am a stress eater and all I ever want is to shove food down my throat. Its like i just want to give up on trying but i'm miserable my whole body is sore all the time and I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me.
I can't even go to my friend's wedding at the end of August because I can't afford to purchase 2 airline seats for my fat ass. I can't go to the amusement park with my niece and I refuse to even eye a bathing suit cos I'll never wear one in public. Fuck my life. I'm logging off and searching for some dinner before i have to head to bed. I wonder how much a hired sharpshooter costs? Not like i could afford a hitman because I can't even afford to fix my tooth or get plastic surgery. One day I will look normal.. I wonder if I'll ever get the surgeries I need. One day...
He asked about everything and it led to bringing up Ronan; he asked what really happened between the 2 of us. I didn't really get to tell him everything but i told him why i unfriended Ronan, I told him I did miss the idiot but was too prideful to say anything to Ronan about it. ( I miss a lot of the friends I abandoned in the scene but they obviously haven't missed me as we barely talk anymore. I don't even belong in the music scene anymore I don't know anyone and its like starting at square 1 and I've done that way too many times to count and I just can't be bothered; even tho i miss performing singing my heart out and shedding anger and sweat on stage there is no other feeling on this planet) Anyways back to that night, my friend said he needed to go for a walk and ofcourse that worried me a lot but what can ya do right. Well I was outside on the smoking patio and he came out and said that he was leaving, and that Ronan was there to pick him up. And of course I was like Ronan, Ronan? and he said yes so i freaked and was like idk if i should go talk to him. And he was all like its up to you, but all night he kept asking me what should he do about this situation blah blah, but wouldn't return the favor.
So I braved my pride and walked outside with him and came face to face with Ronan whom I haven't seen since 2011. It was awkward but pleasant he was actually kind of nice side the part where he tried to make me feel stupid about some lame christian project he's a part of, cos he assumed I thought it was a band with big named people ummm yeh right.
Anyway he kinda ruined my night by just seeing him, cos just looking into those eyes brought back the flood of everything that had broken my spirit 2 years prior, i ended up sitting in the car bawling my eyes out while my sister was inside the venue smoozing with the lame ass metal scene. She came out and asked if i was hungry and said we would go eat and then someone's friends' band was playing so thats when she went back inside and I sat outside like an idiot crying. I tried to text a couple friends that knew the back story but neither offered any reprieve from my pain which made it worse. I realised then at that very moment that I don't have a best friend that I can talk to about stupid crap like running into an ex or which brand of shoes look decent on my hobbit feet. It was a sad moment, and I wish I could rewind something in my heart that has blocked everyone out. I want to find a moment and take it back, every back stabbing word that came out of anger, every abandoned text or show invite.
I don't even find timeless comfort in the games i used to play on facebook they're all so boring and repetative. I tried to play some xbox360 games and realised i'm even bad at those so I'm no gamer, I'm horrible at D&D and Marvel Heroes. The only rpg game i'm relatively good at is wizards101 and I have no one to play with me there either. I have recently only found comfort in books, they don't judge me they just feed me fantasy stories I wish I could live. To be a mage in renaissance times, or a shadow hunter who was born to kill demons and evil things or a half aedh/ werewolf who can kick ass and have endless sex. those are the stories that i read or your percy jackson stories, I've read so many series' just in the past 6 months that lately when I have extra money its usually for a damn kindle card lol.
And my dad wonders where I'm getting all these gas points from, he should just be lucky i don't go out of my way to get gas in my car so that he can enjoy the fruits of my addiction. I also hate reading these books because even through every challenge there is always a reward for the hero/heroine. I would just once like to be pretty enough for even a blatantly boring guy would find me somewhat attractive. I get so sad because I know unless I'm a size zero slut I'll never have a guy truly look at me. I always tell people that i'm content in the friend zone but it definitely hurts when you fall for someone and they don't even notice. I don't want to get married or anything cos in this day and age that means nothing, but I can't even find a guy who wants to hold my hand go to dinner and a movie or just sit in the grass at a park, but those are daydreams, no matter how I try to lose weight finally smoked my last cigarette and have been pretty successful and cutting soda almost completely out (i know energy drinks are just as bad) one step at a time. I play tennis when I can but i sabotage myself cos i am a stress eater and all I ever want is to shove food down my throat. Its like i just want to give up on trying but i'm miserable my whole body is sore all the time and I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me.
I can't even go to my friend's wedding at the end of August because I can't afford to purchase 2 airline seats for my fat ass. I can't go to the amusement park with my niece and I refuse to even eye a bathing suit cos I'll never wear one in public. Fuck my life. I'm logging off and searching for some dinner before i have to head to bed. I wonder how much a hired sharpshooter costs? Not like i could afford a hitman because I can't even afford to fix my tooth or get plastic surgery. One day I will look normal.. I wonder if I'll ever get the surgeries I need. One day...
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Wow what a different prospective
I really need to write here today. I've been thinking about my life and no, there is nothing exciting or new. I'm still the hermit who answers people with the yeh we should hang out sometime, and know that we probably never will. Its almost a generic answer these days especially when I run into old school friends and look back at how when I went to school(mainly college) that I had an abundance of free time to hang with said friends. Then I got into my first band and that was a whirwind 2 years. After that I dropped out of college, I had wanted to pay my own way hence only taking a couple classes here or there; it was a shining accomplishment to be able to say that I paid my way through it. Well then band stuff became more great work screwed me over with hours at work where it was nearly impossible to even make it to class or actually get any homework done. Needless to say I failed the 3rd time I went. I did 4 semesters total but only took a class or 2 each time. Trust me I would've rather gone full time but yeh my parents couldn't pay for my classes and I never wanted one of those loans or grants you had to pay back. I was already in enough financial trouble I didn't need to add to it.
The reason I'm bringing up the college thing is because I made the most awesomest friend the 4th semester that I went. Because of work I failed English my 3rd time I went so I got a D you have to get a C or better to actually get credit for the class. So back to the 4th semester the teacher made us go around and say what we did outside of school what our hobbies were. Of course mine was music, and so I told everyone what my past time was. After class a girl walked up to me and said hey you said you played music what do you play and I laughed cos i can't play an instrument to save my life so I was like hey I'm a singer and she was like hey I play guitar. The friendship was bonded then we started talking about punk and rap music and she was a vegan. I was like wow you're the first person I've met in a long time who understands my eating habits lol. Anyways we were friends for years even after I dropped out of school we still found time to hang out and do movie nights or go to shows, she came to a couple of my 2nd band's shows and it was just awesome!! I still remember her fave song was Serotonin lol.
Anyway I ruined our friendship over a stupid boy who broke my heart anyways :( We went to this show a couple years back and I was nervous if I would see this boy there cos he was in the metal scene but also a rapper. Gods he had me hooked, I knew he was bad for me but there were moments he would be so damn sweet that it usually overrode that he was an asshole other times. Well in this scenario I was the asshole. Call it guilty conscious or whatever. So I asked my friend if she wanted to stand in this one spot and she was like nah i'm gonna sit here at the bar i'm pretty exhausted, i was sad cos i wanted her to stand with me; and in reality I should've stayed with her. But he asked if I wanted to stand with him and his friends and my heart got all giddy and asked my friend if it was ok. She said yeh, but the empath part of me felt she was bummed since we had gone to the show together to hang out. I had a good time at the show but knew I messed up bad and it was after that she moved away and we lost even more contact and there were times she was in state and I didn't even know.
Then I would text or email her and get a response or she'd call. And I remember the last time she called me I was in the car with my friend and his mom and they were talking kinda loud so I couldn't hear her so I told her I'd call her back when we got back to the house from doing the shopping run. We didnt get back till well after 8pm and I had to lay down for work i think, and yup I forgot to call her back, this happened so many times with her and my other friends still. That she just stopped trying and I don't blame her. Im a crappy friend lol.
Fast forward to my life now, ever since I got hurt by my friends in the music scene and a different boy than the above mentioned and with the downfall of my band, I broke down and am just not the same. I stopped supporting a lot of the bands in Denver cos my mind was telling me that nobody really gave a crap about me, and I know that's not true about some of the peoples; but the others I still don't trust. Anyways i walked away from music, I don't sing unless its with my headphones at work, I haven't played my piano in a really long time and I don't write anymore. Plus my best friend was my driver and because of him i was able to go everywhere and be social. Well him and I haven't gotten to hang out at all in the last year or so only a couple times, he has found new friends at work that live close to him and are cooler than me lol. It hurts yeh but it is a needed break because we hurt each other pretty bad and there is still anger and sadness in that. Anyways the only way I was social was because of him, cos he liked driving my car and going out.
I felt like I used him because I knew he liked to drive and I absolutely hate driving especially downtown. He would drive me to said wherever and I would pay for us both to get in, needless to say I ran out of money from going to bars, local and national shows. So now I don't go anywhere. I hate asking for rides cos mine always comes with restrictions, nobody really lives up here and on the weekends I always have to work so I can't stay as late as everyone else. He knew that and worked my schedule perfectly, well then he got a job and wham hang out time was over. I never know his days off and we don't really talk more than once a week or so, and its just to tell each other to have a good day.
So I have friends and all but most of them live down in Aurora area, and they all work during the day and Im still a freaking vampire. So I spend my time either playing apps on facebook pretending I have gaming friends and family or reading. In the past 4 months alone I've read over 20 or so books. I even bought myself a xbox 360 for xmas and have played it only 3 times. I don't even have the energy to go sit out in the room next to mine and play games on there cos even there im still a loner.
My sister works all the time now, so even our friendship is dwindling, I used to look forward to Weds or Thurs nights where we'd hanker down and watch Supernatural on dvd. We are still currently on the last episode of season 6 going on 6 months lol and I even have Season 7 ready to go. I'd have a better chance of watching it on my own time, yet I really don't feel like it. I have that one and 3 other series' to watch and i just don't have the fancy to watch them either. How did I become such a loser?? I was never not a loser but lately I just feel so useless.
I'm sorry this is a freaking novel, I had really wanted to talk about this paranormal investigation I did a week or so ago but that would take up more room so i think i'll start a new thread about that one. even tho it kinda sucked too lol.
The reason I'm bringing up the college thing is because I made the most awesomest friend the 4th semester that I went. Because of work I failed English my 3rd time I went so I got a D you have to get a C or better to actually get credit for the class. So back to the 4th semester the teacher made us go around and say what we did outside of school what our hobbies were. Of course mine was music, and so I told everyone what my past time was. After class a girl walked up to me and said hey you said you played music what do you play and I laughed cos i can't play an instrument to save my life so I was like hey I'm a singer and she was like hey I play guitar. The friendship was bonded then we started talking about punk and rap music and she was a vegan. I was like wow you're the first person I've met in a long time who understands my eating habits lol. Anyways we were friends for years even after I dropped out of school we still found time to hang out and do movie nights or go to shows, she came to a couple of my 2nd band's shows and it was just awesome!! I still remember her fave song was Serotonin lol.
Anyway I ruined our friendship over a stupid boy who broke my heart anyways :( We went to this show a couple years back and I was nervous if I would see this boy there cos he was in the metal scene but also a rapper. Gods he had me hooked, I knew he was bad for me but there were moments he would be so damn sweet that it usually overrode that he was an asshole other times. Well in this scenario I was the asshole. Call it guilty conscious or whatever. So I asked my friend if she wanted to stand in this one spot and she was like nah i'm gonna sit here at the bar i'm pretty exhausted, i was sad cos i wanted her to stand with me; and in reality I should've stayed with her. But he asked if I wanted to stand with him and his friends and my heart got all giddy and asked my friend if it was ok. She said yeh, but the empath part of me felt she was bummed since we had gone to the show together to hang out. I had a good time at the show but knew I messed up bad and it was after that she moved away and we lost even more contact and there were times she was in state and I didn't even know.
Then I would text or email her and get a response or she'd call. And I remember the last time she called me I was in the car with my friend and his mom and they were talking kinda loud so I couldn't hear her so I told her I'd call her back when we got back to the house from doing the shopping run. We didnt get back till well after 8pm and I had to lay down for work i think, and yup I forgot to call her back, this happened so many times with her and my other friends still. That she just stopped trying and I don't blame her. Im a crappy friend lol.
Fast forward to my life now, ever since I got hurt by my friends in the music scene and a different boy than the above mentioned and with the downfall of my band, I broke down and am just not the same. I stopped supporting a lot of the bands in Denver cos my mind was telling me that nobody really gave a crap about me, and I know that's not true about some of the peoples; but the others I still don't trust. Anyways i walked away from music, I don't sing unless its with my headphones at work, I haven't played my piano in a really long time and I don't write anymore. Plus my best friend was my driver and because of him i was able to go everywhere and be social. Well him and I haven't gotten to hang out at all in the last year or so only a couple times, he has found new friends at work that live close to him and are cooler than me lol. It hurts yeh but it is a needed break because we hurt each other pretty bad and there is still anger and sadness in that. Anyways the only way I was social was because of him, cos he liked driving my car and going out.
I felt like I used him because I knew he liked to drive and I absolutely hate driving especially downtown. He would drive me to said wherever and I would pay for us both to get in, needless to say I ran out of money from going to bars, local and national shows. So now I don't go anywhere. I hate asking for rides cos mine always comes with restrictions, nobody really lives up here and on the weekends I always have to work so I can't stay as late as everyone else. He knew that and worked my schedule perfectly, well then he got a job and wham hang out time was over. I never know his days off and we don't really talk more than once a week or so, and its just to tell each other to have a good day.
So I have friends and all but most of them live down in Aurora area, and they all work during the day and Im still a freaking vampire. So I spend my time either playing apps on facebook pretending I have gaming friends and family or reading. In the past 4 months alone I've read over 20 or so books. I even bought myself a xbox 360 for xmas and have played it only 3 times. I don't even have the energy to go sit out in the room next to mine and play games on there cos even there im still a loner.
My sister works all the time now, so even our friendship is dwindling, I used to look forward to Weds or Thurs nights where we'd hanker down and watch Supernatural on dvd. We are still currently on the last episode of season 6 going on 6 months lol and I even have Season 7 ready to go. I'd have a better chance of watching it on my own time, yet I really don't feel like it. I have that one and 3 other series' to watch and i just don't have the fancy to watch them either. How did I become such a loser?? I was never not a loser but lately I just feel so useless.
I'm sorry this is a freaking novel, I had really wanted to talk about this paranormal investigation I did a week or so ago but that would take up more room so i think i'll start a new thread about that one. even tho it kinda sucked too lol.
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